Tired of living in the shadows of her accusations that have become my problems

[OuttaDaFog]

My UstbxBPDw and I are still cohabitating.  It has been a few months since we decided (well, I decided, really) to divorce.  She has left us financially strapped.  I have rebuilt for myself and am coming around now.  Our son and I are moving into an apartment at the end of next month. Our daughter is going to live with her.  

Last Easter, my UstbxBPDw accused me of an affair.  I was mad and left to go to the store and McDonald's to do homework for my grad school class.  I had good reason, but she could only conceive of it as nothing she could have done, even after telling her, so I had to have gone out to be with my gf.  It has happened several times over the the 10 years.  She wouldn't let it go and kept pressuring me and, when asked, I pushed the nuclear button and told her no, I did not want to be married to her anymore.  I refused marriage counseling temporarily (I was in, and still am in, counseling for myself).  She decided she would start counseling finally for herself.  I refused the marriage counseling because I needed to see that she was going to stick it out and start dealing with some of her issues, as I did mine, before I would commit.  Otherwise I would get out.  I also needed to bide some time because financially she has nearly ruined us, risking eviction multiple times, etc.  I also needed to finish my grad school.  She works at the school and we get a taxable tuition waiver.  As you can well imagine, this did not go well.  

During this time, I came to know one of the women from my church on a mission trip.  We got to talking and we found that she was married to a UBPD/NPDh.  After that we would talk and would support one another, as we were experiencing many of the same things.  This just meant that we would occasionally talk via Messenger.  It was very helpful. We are friends, but nothing beyond that.  Neither one of us has any interest in taking it further.  We are both embroiled in tricky marriages and pending divorces.  It was also not something that got between my wife and I.  I was already pretty well done.  My wife, one day, got into my laptop, and was able to get to my messages and found that I had been talking to this friend.  She of course freaked and accused me of an affair after reading my messages.  After a few days, when she was lucid for a while, and a few times after that, she actually told me that she knew it wasn't an affair and was actually glad that I had found someone to talk to (couldn't afford counseling when first talking to her).  That changed.  Unfortunately, though she admitted to having BPD, she abandoned that and went back to me having an affair. I know what it sounds like, but I know that it is not.  

Right from the start she has made sure that our kids were aware.  My daughter has basically bought into everything.  My wife has of course blamed me for all of our financial trouble (that's another issue) and has been feeding that to her.  It has fairly well destroyed my relationship with my daughter.  She has continued to sabotage things wherever possible.  She has talked to people at our church, which she left now, making sure they all knew.  The Pastors essentially know the truth, though it has made things a little difficult for me, as I actually work at the church right now.  

Today was another day where she has done things to sabotage me with my kids. It really brings me down. I can't say more than that here, but I'm just so tired of it.  Talking to her has done no good, as would be expected.  I have also talked to the kids.  My son doesn't buy into it like his sister.  It makes me sad. I feel like I am constantly living in the shadows of her accusations and problems that have become my problems and I can't stop it.  I have a month left of living with her and then shortly after, I can file for divorce. Until then, it is not easy... .

[heartandwhole]

Hi OuttaDaFog,



I’m really sorry to hear that tryout relationship with your daughter is suffering under the current situation. It’s hard enough to go through a divorce. I can fully understand feeling tired and sad about this.

What are your daily communications like? Is there a lot of conflict, or are you avoiding each other?

This is really tough, but you’ve found a community that will support you and listen. Keep sharing what you are going through. It helps.

heartandwhole

[OuttaDaFog]

Communication is kept emotionally flat. I tell her what she needs to know, but not more than that.  I will generally avoid engaging her unless I have to.  So there isn't a lot of conflict.  I did have to, at one point, make a threat, which I did in as non-threatening way as possible, more as a choice, regarding finances.  She has reneged or broke agreements we have had.  To protect myself, I had to tell her that I would file for spousal support, which scared the heck out of her.  She made a huge amount of money last year and blew it all away, but she made a LOT more than me.  It has kept things in check for a bit now.  She is very strained when communicating with me.  If I do have to talk to her about something, it is usually rough and she does not take it well.  She is very hypersensitive to anything that she interprets as being her fault or problem or cause or... .  I get it and where it comes from, but it is still difficult to deal with.  I have talked to her about our daughter and what she has done, but she actually ran right to her about what I said.  We talked, but there is a lot of damage from mom.  Mom has spent the last 15 years lying in bed when not physically at work.  Our daughter has craved mom's attention.  Now she has it.  Mom has worked really hard, having lost me, to replace me with someone, and that seems to be our daughter.  They are more like girlfriends.  I don't know that there is anything I can do.  I think that i have done fairly well with my communication, having talked it through with my counselor, but it doesn't stop these things from happening.  No matter what I say or do, it continues.  I fully expect that the threat I made will bite me in the butt at some point, but I hope to have the cash in which to file as soon as I start my last set of classes.  She's making me crazy.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi OuttaDaFog,

I'd like to join heartandwhole in welcoming you to the site and say that I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you are having in your family.  It sounds to me like you're experiencing parental alienation, which is so hard to witness happening and feel helpless to stop.  Have you sought any help specifically for this issue?  There are other members here with experience of this, and will understand how distressing it is.  How old are your children?  I'm so glad that you have a counsellor.  Do either of the children also have any additional support in this respect?

Facing a divorce process is tough, and when a partner has a PD, this only serves to create a more tense and complex situation for the whole family.  What legal support do you have?  There is a great deal of knowledge and experience here and you will find that you are far from alone.  Do take a good look around at the information that the site provides and continue to post.  We are here for you.

Love and light x

[OuttaDaFog]

Thanks for the welcomes!

Our daughter is 19 and goes to college, commuting from home.  Our son is a senior in high school.  He will be 18 in June.  Thankfully, we don't have to worry about child support.  My wife is an instructor at a local university, so both kids have a free education.  We just pay for fees. We haven't done any family counseling.  My wife and daughter do not accept the BPD.  I have talked to my daughter and have left the door open, but mom keeps getting in the way with some things.  The kids have youth group on Wednesdays, which I lead.  Mom keeps inviting them on Wednesdays for things and she gets sucked in.  If I speak to her, I'm a jerk.  Essentially, I have just left it alone.  Mom has freaked out on her before and my daughter has been upset about how mom overreacted.  She is going to be living with mom, so I guess I figured that she will have to figure it out on her own, because there doesn't seem to be anything I can do.  My counselor has heard the full story and I talk it over with him, but I think he gets a little frustrated too, because there is no getting mom to see how destructive her behaviors are.  She seems to want to see me hurt, but doesn't agree that she is doing anything wrong. Our son is in counseling, and has been before this started.  Our daughter "doesn't need it" and mom isn't supporting it, so there is nothing I can do at this point.  I will check out what is here about parental alienation.  This is only one of the things going on, but it is the one that bothers me the most.

I'm in the process of getting legal support.  I have to find an affordable attorney.  Originally we planned on filing for divorce in September, once my degree is complete.  The lease on the house we are currently in was to end June 30.  She went to the landlord, against our mutual agreement, trash talked me to the landlord and then broke the lease 2 months early, because she was going to rent a new place from him that was more affordable for her.  Thankfully I was able to find a place for my son and I that is nice.  I have to put some money together for an attorney.  She is getting money from her parents (shes 47) to pay for the attorney.  I don't have that luxury.  The one thing I have been able to use with her is that last year she made an enormous amount of extra pay.  She tripled my salary.  It was all wasted, of course, but in my state, I can seek spousal support.  We were married for 22 years, so I am entitled to a long time.  I don't want it, but she is terrified that I will try to get it.  I have agreed that if she doesn't play games with school, then I won't seek it. It has been helping, but now this stuff with my daughter is happening, so I have to remind her again.  I plan on filing well before September, once I can retain an attorney. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi OuttaDaFog,

Here is the article we have on Parental Alienation in case you haven’t seen it.

It sounds like you have a good plan going. I hear you about the attorney’s fees. Do you have any recommendations from friends or colleagues?

How are your son and daughter getting along right now? 

heartandwhole

[ForeverDad]

... .last year she made an enormous amount of extra pay.  She tripled my salary.  It was all wasted, of course, but in my state, I can seek spousal support.  We were married for 22 years, so I am entitled to a long time.  I don't want it, but she is terrified that I will try to get it.  I have agreed that if she doesn't play games with school, then I won't seek it.

Be careful about promising not to seek what would be otherwise something accessible to you.  You don't know what her finances or your finances will be in the future.  I'm not telling you to be mean or spiteful, just don't toss away all your cards so quickly.  You may need that Leverage in the months or even years to come.

[OuttaDaFog]

Thank you, heartandwhole for the link.  I will be reading it.  

Do you have any recommendations from friends or colleagues?

I have a recommendation from an attorney friend who handled divorces, but is retired and has moved out of state. With my kids being older, I'm not too worried about finding someone who is experienced with BPD.  I don't think it will be much of a fight and I don't have to worry about custody.  

How are your son and daughter getting along right now?  

My son is ok.  He has been in counseling and has been on small doses of meds, as he has mild schizo affective disorder, but he is doing pretty well.  My UstbxBPDw had a meeting with the kids without me early on, and my daughter chose to live with mom and my son chose to live with me. I have had to tell her a couple times now that she needs to have those meetings with me involved, but that's like talking to the wall.  

My daughter seems to be ok, but she is playing the role of care taker for mom.  She used to cry because it was like she didn't have a mom she would say, since my UstbxBPDw would cancel things all the time and had a hundred excuses why she couldn't do family stuff. Now that I am moving out of the picture, mom has latched on to our daughter, like they are BFF's and our daughter is eating it up.  She's 19, a college student, and it seems like she thinks she's one of the parents in the house.  I don't get a lot of respect from her, as she believes all the stuff mom is saying about me, none of which is true. My UstbxBPDw repeatedly undermines my authority with her and will attack me in front of her.  She also is mom's spy now.  She won't admit it, but she is. There are a couple things that my wife has said to me, after my daughter and I have talked, that went straight back to mom. I don't talk to her about mom, but she came to me upset because mom flipped out on her and some of what I nicely said, without bashing mom, she told mom about.  I don't trust either one of them right now.    

[OuttaDaFog]

Be careful about promising not to seek what would be otherwise something accessible to you.  You don't know what her finances or your finances will be in the future.  I'm not telling you to be mean or spiteful, just don't toss away all your cards so quickly.  You may need that Leverage in the months or even years to come.

Thanks foreverdad.  I will rethink all that and talk to my attorney.  I think that is my first response, based on the idea that I just want to be done with her and don't want to deal with her any more, but I can see your point.  My instinct is to get out and run for the hills.

[heartandwhole]

Hi OuttaDaFog,

I meant how are your son and daughter getting along with each other? 

Are they in contact, do they see each other, etc.?

I agree with ForeverDad that you might not want to let go of what is due to you. I can understand wanting to cut ties and be free of the stress. In my experience, however, there could be unforeseeable situations, for which you might be very glad to have some kind of agreement in place. Just something to think about.

heartandwhole

[OuttaDaFog]

Ha.  Sorry.  Read the question wrong.  The four of us still live together for another month, so they see each other regularly.  By and large, they get along ok.  They will very occasionally go to lunch together after church or during the week.  When we split up, I will continue to do everything I can to encourage the two getting together.  Sundays, the three of us go to church.  Mom quit the church. If my daughter continues, and I believe she will for a time at least, as she is signed up for our Mission Trip, the kids will continue to spend time together there.  I will try to arrange for her to drive her brother home regularly. That is usually what happens, as I have to stay later, since I work there.

[heartandwhole]

Ha.  Sorry.  Read the question wrong.

I don't think the question was clear; I'd read it the way you did, too. 

Seeing each other regularly at church and then driving home together—that sounds like a good way for them to have one-on-one time together. I hope that their relationship stays solid despite the divorce. It sounds like it will, and with them being older, I think that helps as well.

heartandwhole

[Newyoungfather]

I agree with everyone when they say don't throw away all your cards.  Trust me as you move on with your life, buy a house, get a new gf the revenge cycle starts.  I'm not saying to be spiteful but have everything in a clear court order, visitation rights, support etc.  In my case my exBPDgf would go out of control rage whenever I did good for myself.