Not sure if I should leave

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have been married to my wife for over 17 years and the relationship is falling apart after the discovery of her having an affair.  Through counseling, I have had my eyes opened to the root cause of our long-standing relationship problems after the counselor pulled me aside and recommended that I read "stop walking on eggshells".  I finally realize what is going on in our marriage.  I feel like there is little hope of ever being able to reconcile and repair our marriage, but our teenage children are still in the home.  I am torn over whether to stay (in large part for their protection) or to finally just move on.  She has threatened to divorce me repeatedly over the last decade, and I was against it.  I am starting to think she was right.

[GTX]

I have been married to my wife for over 17 years and the relationship is falling apart after the discovery of her having an affair.  Through counseling, I have had my eyes opened to the root cause of our long-standing relationship problems after the counselor pulled me aside and recommended that I read "stop walking on eggshells".  I finally realize what is going on in our marriage.  I feel like there is little hope of ever being able to reconcile and repair our marriage, but our teenage children are still in the home.  I am torn over whether to stay (in large part for their protection) or to finally just move on.  She has threatened to divorce me repeatedly over the last decade, and I was against it.  I am starting to think she was right.

[formflier]

  the counselor pulled me aside and recommended that I read "stop walking on eggshells".  I finally realize what is going on in our marriage. 

I too had the exact same experience... .  We had been to several different counselors and it seemed like my brain was always in a blender.  Then... my wife ran from the room one day and I stayed.  SWOE was recommended and BPD was discussed.  I had never heard of that.

Well... that was sometime in early 2014 or late 2013.  I've learned a lot since then and my relationship has stabilized somewhat... .and I am very different.

I have kids in the house as well.

So... .how long have you known about SWOE and BPD?  My guess is it's still fresh and very confusing, especially since there is a lot of nonsense about it on the internet. 

Can I suggest you decide to spend some time with us gaining understanding of what you are facing and what part of that you can control (hint... there is likely good news in that)

Look to  right of your screen... ."choosing a path" is an important resource.

https://bpdfamily.com/deciding_guide/00.htm

I want to assure you that you have found a safe place to share and learn. 

There is hope here, even though I remember feeling like there would never be hope again...

I do remember the divorce threats... .they've been gone for a couple years.  (there is lots to explore down that path for you)

Keep your activity here private and come back often.  We can support you as your find your way!   

FF

[GTX]

Thank you for that insight.  I will definitely check out the choosing a path info.  I'm not in a big rush to make decisions since I have already been living with this situation for years.  I have finally just reached a point where something has to change. The kids are old enough that I don't have to protect them the way I did when they were younger, and I am tired of being lied to and blamed for everything.  We have gone to counseling 5 different times throughout the marriage, and each time they have recommended she seek private therapy.  She did once or twice but never stuck with it, and within days was back to saying everything is my fault and I am the one that has a problem. 

I always thought she just had anxiety and depression, but only recently connected the dots to figure out that we are dealing with BPD.  Looking back, I now realize that her mother did as well, but alcoholism was what everyone blamed her behavior on.  I just counted my blessings that my wife doesn't drink and hoped that she would probably never be as mean as her mother was.

The trigger that has me so riled up right now is the cheating.  I am seeing signs that she is still communicating with him and is actively looking for ways to connect with him despite promising me that it was over.  All of this while telling me that she doesn't trust me.  She said she needs "space" right now but all indications are that she is wanting to resume the affair.  I am not willing to tolerate that anymore/again.

[formflier]

  I'm not in a big rush to make decisions   


I have finally just reached a point where something has to change.   


   I am not willing to tolerate that anymore/again.     

So... .

second priority

read this

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Have you ever really thought about the values and the boundaries that YOU use in your marriage?

FF

[GTX]

We have always had disagreements, but we still had appropriate boundaries and shared values.  After her mother died, things got a lot more difficult.  She had a lot of unresolved issues related to emotional and verbal abuse she suffered from her mother.  She has gotten steadily worse since then, but I still felt like the boundaries and values were appropriate.

When she turned 50, she began what I would call a mid-life crisis.  She started fretting about her appearance and started spending a lot of money on various treatments, clothing, etc.  She is a beautiful woman and didn't need to do that to look good, but she was convinced that she had to.  She also stopped wearing her wedding ring (claiming that her skin reacted to the gold) and started spending a lot of time at the tennis club where one of our kids attends a tennis academy.  Before you know it, she is in a relationship with a tennis instructor that is several years younger than us. 

Boundaries and values that I thought were solid became mere speed bumps to her.  No matter how much we disagreed in the past, she was always mostly honest with me.  When she wasn't, I was able to attribute it to her skewed perspective.  Those instances usually involved her memory of the cause or the words said in an argument being somewhat different from what actually went down. 

Since discovering the affair, I have found that she has been lying to me about a number of different things and that she has secret email and social media accounts.  I have been clear about my expectations and boundaries, and she says she will honor that but doesn't.  She is not the same person I married, and is not even the same person she was a year ago.

[formflier]

  I have been clear about my expectations and boundaries, and she says she will honor that but doesn't.  

What does it "cost" her if she doesn't uphold her values or lies to you?

What does she "get" by lying?

FF

[GTX]

Up until now, it has only "cost" her some uncomfortable conversations, awkward silence, and having to go to another round of counseling (which she told me is making her resent me even more because she hates having to talk about her past traumas).  It may now cost her/us the break up of a marriage and our family, and the sale of our home and the loss of financial security that comes from the marriage. 

Her "gain" from lying is the stroking of her ego that comes from having a younger guy pay attention to her, although that "gain" will probably disappear the moment we get divorced and she is free to be with him.  He is not interested in an actual relationship with a 50 year old woman with kids.  He was just looking for sex with no strings attached.

[formflier]

I suspect you are accurate in your assessment

Very early to go into many details about how this could play out.

I'm much more interested in you reading articles... .finding issues to ask questions about and getting a feel for the relationship challenges that you face.

Are you guys in counseling at the moment?  If so how long?

So... .were you guys paying for the tennis lessons?  Is this a club type thing?

Does the instructor know that you know?  Does the employer know what their employees are up to?

FF

[GTX]

Yes, I plan to read as much as I can and educate myself on these issues. 

We are three weeks into the latest round of couples counseling and she is angry and hostile toward me over it.  She likes the counselor but said she resents having to talk and "dredge up her past".

Yes, we were paying for tennis lessons he gave our son.  She was taking lessons from a female instructor and secretly switched to taking lessons from him (on different nights from when our son was there) without telling me.

The instructor was told that I know, and he left the club but is still in the area.  The employer never was told.  Our son has a new coach, and she lost interest in tennis and stopped trying to take lessons.

[formflier]

  The employer never was told.  Our son has a new coach, and she lost interest in tennis and stopped trying to take lessons.

Have you ever consulted a lawyer about her divorce threats?  There could be some interesting pressure points (potentially) regarding the employer/employee... .of course depending on state law.

There is a big difference... .HUGE... .in taking action and in educating yourself about options.  It also depends on your goals, which you will develop here over time.

pwBPD (shorthand for people with BPD) usually have interesting responses to pressure "against" them, so any options would need to be thought through.

You have said much about her resenting the process she is in now... does she seem sorry or remorseful for her actions?  Does she seem like she wants to reconcile?

FF

[GTX]

I am planning to set up a consultation with an attorney later this month. I need to know options and my rights.

She really hasn't shown remorse. the closest she ever came to apologizing was telling me she's sorry she didn't separate from me before she did it. I truly cannot tell if she wants to reconcile or not. She says she doesn't want our family to break apart but then she behaves in a way that says she doesn't want me around.

[formflier]

I am planning to set up a consultation with an attorney later this month. I need to know options and my rights.

 

We have a legal board.  Probably best to separate future posts about legal details over there... and relationship details and strategies over here.

Solid work on sorting out your rights.

Ask if you state has "fault" divorce.

FF