Emotionally leaving, physically staying

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I’ve been in a r/s for the past few months I was worried at the onset about getting attached and not being able to keep up with emotional intimacy. Things were great we were texting, calling, seeing each other all of the time and then I felt a shift I became less important.

As a good friend pointed out the honeymoon is over. She said that she wasn’t taking care of herself and was putting on a lot of weight and the reason why I was feeling change is because she was starting g to take care of herself. She has a lot going right now she’s going through a divorce, her mother had major surgery a couple of months, they found a removed a large tumor she didn’t have a scan for a long time. She should getting tested for cancer cells. My gf complains a lot about fatigue she has sole custody of S5 and she doesn’t get a break she doesn’t think anyone is suitable to watch her son while she has a break.

I posted this here because I don’t know if it fits well in bettering and I’m not conflicted. I think that she is starting to emotionally detach before me I was thinking tonight and Googling and I never thought of a third option. I’m just speaking for myself when I say this I always thought that it was hard and fast rule but emotionally detaching and staying in the r/s makes sense because r/s are complicated and I wouldn’t want to pull the plug before it runs it’s course. Has anyone emotionally detached and their r/s improved after x amount of time? Any success?

For men and women who become unhappy with in a relationship, they often consider only two clear-cut options: stay in the relationship or break up. I’m here to suggest another alternative when the need applies: learn how to emotionally leave a relationship while physically staying in it.

If you’re unhappy in your relationship, it’s usually not a good idea to end it quickly except in cases of abuse or other extreme conditions. Too often, people break up impulsively and then later realize they regret it. (Enter hooking up with the ex, stage right). You probably know a few couples in your personal life – or can cite some celebrity examples – where their on-again, off-again dynamic suggests a fad going in and out of style. If men and women would learn to be more careful - and strategic - in their consideration of ending the relationship, relationships overall would be healthier, and there would be a lot less getting-back-together emotional drama among couples. Simply put, when you've been unhappy in a relationship for a while, you should come up with a plan to improve the relationship or consider ending the relationship

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201407/how-leave-relationship-emotionally-stay

[Mutt]

I’ve been in a r/s for the past few months I was worried at the onset about getting attached and not being able to keep up with emotional intimacy. Things were great we were texting, calling, seeing each other all of the time and then I felt a shift I became less important.

As a good friend pointed out the honeymoon is over. She said that she wasn’t taking care of herself and was putting on a lot of weight and the reason why I was feeling change is because she was starting g to take care of herself. She has a lot going right now she’s going through a divorce, her mother had major surgery a couple of months, they found a removed a large tumor she didn’t have a scan for a long time. She should getting tested for cancer cells. My gf complains a lot about fatigue she has sole custody of S5 and she doesn’t get a break she doesn’t think anyone is suitable to watch her son while she has a break.

I posted this here because I don’t know if it fits well in bettering and I’m not conflicted. I think that she is starting to emotionally detach before me I was thinking tonight and Googling and I never thought of a third option. I’m just speaking for myself when I say this I always thought that it was hard and fast rule but emotionally detaching and staying in the r/s makes sense because r/s are complicated and I wouldn’t want to pull the plug before it runs it’s course. Has anyone emotionally detached and their r/s improved after x amount of time? Any success?

For men and women who become unhappy with in a relationship, they often consider only two clear-cut options: stay in the relationship or break up. I’m here to suggest another alternative when the need applies: learn how to emotionally leave a relationship while physically staying in it.

If you’re unhappy in your relationship, it’s usually not a good idea to end it quickly except in cases of abuse or other extreme conditions. Too often, people break up impulsively and then later realize they regret it. (Enter hooking up with the ex, stage right). You probably know a few couples in your personal life – or can cite some celebrity examples – where their on-again, off-again dynamic suggests a fad going in and out of style. If men and women would learn to be more careful - and strategic - in their consideration of ending the relationship, relationships overall would be healthier, and there would be a lot less getting-back-together emotional drama among couples. Simply put, when you've been unhappy in a relationship for a while, you should come up with a plan to improve the relationship or consider ending the relationship

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201407/how-leave-relationship-emotionally-stay

[gotbushels]

Hi Mutt   

Has anyone emotionally detached and their r/s improved after x amount of time? Any success?

For this particular relationship, what does emotional detachment mean for you--can you describe what that is in practical terms?

What do you want from this relationship?

[Mutt]

Hi gutbushells,

Hmm can you rephrase that when you say practical terms? I don’t look at it in my situation as terms I see it as boundaries and the reason why I say that is because I don’t feel like it’s reciprocated at the moment on her side. What I mean is I think that I’m giving myself enough value if I offer all of the emotional support and I don’t get the same return, said differently I don’t want to let myself be used if that makes senses.

That being said, the boundaries are broken down like this:

~ being less available in terms of returning Whatsapp messages, let some phone calls go to voicemail
~ go to family and friends for emotional needs don’t go to my gf for emotional needs and don’t offer emotional support
~ not seeking other r/s’s or physical intimacy with others and no physical intimacy with gf

What do I want? That’s a good question I have feelings for her I just need to step back and reframe the situation because I know that she loves me when she says it she doesn’t want to lose me I believe her I think that she has a lot going on in all fronts I can see how it would be hard to define things on her life when she’s going through a difficult period.

I just don’t want to sell myself short by hanging in there and hoping because I think that I deserve what I want and I don’t want to settle for less if it wasn’t meant to be I would be saddened because  she means a lot but maybe it’s not meant to be. The timing doesn’t right for me if things had settle in her life when we met it would probably be different I think that the stress might of had her seek out a distraction ( me ) The r/s seems to be too much for her so I’m just doing things differently than I would have in the past which would of been invest myself into it but i don’t understand the point today if I’m the only one that seems to be emotionally involved?

[gotbushels]

Hi Mutt   

Thank you for the clarification. 

... .because I don’t feel like it’s reciprocated at the moment on her side.

OK.

What I mean is I think that I’m giving myself enough value if I offer all of the emotional support and I don’t get the same return, said differently I don’t want to let myself be used if that makes senses.

OK. Another way to look at this is that she may have shared burdens with you, which you've supported. You have shared less burdens with her, and she hasn't done the 'equivalent' support. I think that's actually a good thing because you've got less issues in your lives as a summed pair.

Yes that makes sense. It seems like you aren't getting reciprocal treatment for things you feel you're doing for her. I know a bit of that. I get that when we have enough of that going on, then we can feel used--so I appreciate that too. Of course in a relationship there's that subtextual reciprocity because what we do affects the other person and vice versa. There's some trading going on there.

~ being less available [Whatsapp, voicemail]
~ go to family and friends for emotional needs don’t go to my gf [... .]
~ not seeking other r/s’s or physical intimacy with others and no physical intimacy with gf

OK. So one way I see this detachment is a reduction of your side of the contributions of availability, emotional seeking and support, intimacy. Nothing wrong with that.

What do I want?
... .
I just don’t want to sell myself short by hanging in there and hoping
... .
I’m the only one that seems to be emotionally involved?

OK. I know a bit of this. When the reciprocal feelings on my side are running low, and I don't have that 'meeting with' from a partner that I'm romantically involved with, then it can seem like we're solo in the relationship.

It seems that you're not sure if you want to stay in the relationship.  It seems like you're basing what you want on how your mutual giving goes for the next few months (?). I think that's okay. Of course if you're deciding on extending the term of the relationship or a stronger relationship in the future--then at some point you'd want to see how reciprocal the partner is in demonstrating love back to you. Moreover, I think that's more true after you've said "As a good friend pointed out the honeymoon is over".

... .I think that she has a lot going on in all fronts I can see how it would be hard to define things on her life when she’s going through a difficult period.

Yes, when our partner has a lot going on in her life (seems to be), then it's hard for her to invest time into the relationship.

because I know that she loves me when she says it she doesn’t want to lose me

To me, if I got this information from a partner, it communicates to me that perhaps I'm not giving as much attention to the relationship as would be good for two people. This is so because it seems like the partner (you) is feeling more love during times of these dialogues (talking about loss). I would then ask, how is it that the partner is going to feelings of love mostly in these discussions?



OK so let's come back to your first question.

Has anyone emotionally detached and their r/s improved after x amount of time? Any success?

I think principally--couples that disinvest in each other will drift apart or stagnate. So if you detach in the ways you've shared, I don't see how that will improve the relationship.

So if I jump forward here and assume 'success' means continuity of a "healthy" intimate relationship, then I'd like to offer these ideas.

I have feelings for her I just need to step back and reframe the situation

Yes, I think you've suggested a partial solution here, to step back, to reframe. Therefore, stepping back, it might be helpful to build the frame of where you can decide more accurately where you want the relationship to go from here, and hopefully enjoy yourself too.

So building forward, I think 3 things might help here:

• For you--put some time into your family and friends; if I stay home and stew while my partner is out doing things on her own for ages, it makes me stew.
• Come up with some ideas to spend leisure time together; something that helps me is if I do low-effect non-chorey stuff and chit chat or banter with a partner, this will give you guys a chance to grow together doing something lighthearted versus spending a lot of time sharing about the burdens (e.g., "complains a lot about fatigue", "now she’s going through a divorce", and your burdens you may have shared with her).
• Talk to her; keep it light, share with her how you feel about this reciprocity thing, keep an open mind, and how you hope for things to go.

What do you think?   


I'm just pinging my suggestions here. If any seniors here have something to add, I'm hoping you'll share too.

[Mutt]

Hi gotbushels,,

I’ve always had troubles with relationships. I was hospitalized in my early 20’s and a nurse said that I missed out in an important stage in life. I really appreciate all of your advice. I decided to break up with her today I had told her that I don’t stay friends with exes but she’s different she’s the first one after I changed and isn’t toxic like last ones. I actually feel elated it’s the first time that I broke with a girlfriend. I had asked what she thought about later on if were going to spend more time together and she said that she didn’t want to talk about it.

I just don’t want to hang in there hoping that that she’ll check back into the relationship I’m attractive, i built my body with hard work in the gym the last three years I notice women looking at me and i think I was just a distraction because there was a lot of pressure in her divorce. I’ll find someone else. I owe it to myself to stick up for my values. It’s a lesson learned do t get caught up in the whirlwind of the honeymoon it was s lot of fun though.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Mutt, Sorry to hear about your b/u, but sometimes a clean break can open up new possibilities.  It's great that you made a decision that is right for you.  I think it's wise to follow one's gut feelings, something I neglected to do in my marriage to my BPDxW.  Now I strive for authenticity.  It sounds like you're doing that, too!   

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Thanks Lucky Jim. This in no way feels like my break up with my exuBPDw I feel sad, I had a lot fun with her there was more positive than negative. She’s seperated for a year and a half and going through a divorce, she has a 5 year old son and she’s a single mom.

Today was weird I talked to her and she said that she still like bed me she wants me to call her and spend time with her. Things were fine right up to the honeymoon. She’s also younger than me sge’s 32 and I’m 44 she she’s educated she has two masters, a bachelor and she’s close to getting a doctorate. This is her first separation I was only the second that she was with I’ve been many deportations and through a difficult one with my exuBPDw. What I have is experience. I was worried her and her situation with the divorce her mom is ill she might have cancer I have to look out for myself and not worry about her. My divorce with my uBPDexw was hell but I survived she’ll survive this.

When I first met I thought I wonder what mental illness does she have BPD, is she a depressive, she has traits of obsessive / compulsive behavior and anxiety. She really puts her son in a pedestal she won’t let anyone but her mom in India watch her mom isn’t here. She wants to make sure that he concentrated on his studies she doesn’t want him to be around anyone that is a bad influence she doesn’t want him contaminated, she lives close to me and she wanted me to wear reflective tape on my jacket so that I’m safe - anxiety.

I talked to a good friend of mine and my mom and my friend don’t be friend zoned and my says she might incorrect but could be feeling guilty and that’s the reason that she says that I can talk to her anytime etc... .Anyways she said no obligations it was just confusing I decided to block her on social media, whatsapp, and texts to it helps me get her over quicker. I’m really disappointed at how it turned out she’ll be the only person that knows why.

It’s like Skip said if you have different values at the onset of the r/s its not going to work out in the end. I want to move in with another woman at some point and worth both at different parts of our lives she brought a lot of Hali ness but for now I’m jnot st self protecting and detaching.

[Turkish]

Cultural conflicts are hard... .and hard on relationships which have enough issues going on.  I ran up against some of these in a way,  though not as difficult as "East Meets West."

[Mutt]

Thanks Turk it had little chance of succeed because of family she said that she was going to leave her family at the beginning which scared me exaggerating in the honeymoon phase is normal. I thought that I was a transitional object because the pressure from her mom and the divorce I think that she was a transition from my uBPDexw.

I’m just going to concentrate on the kids and on working out, cutting for the summer.

[Panda39]

Hi Mutt,

It sounds like you want more than she is able to give at the moment. (the question is how long is that moment? Does she circle back around and make you a priority again?)

Is this relationship worth waiting for or not.  If it is then give her space and support, if it isn't then maybe it's time to move on.

I want to say as a divorced, working full-time, single mom, with friends, family, a boyfriend and things I want to do for myself, I can and have been overwhelmed at times with things in my life and have had to put my relationship with my boyfriend on a back burner while I deal with something else.  This doesn't mean I don't love him, but I am one person and I have a full life and my priorities move around. I may not be able to see him as often as he or I would like but when we do spend time together I make sure my focus is on him and us as a couple.  His life is equally full so he gets it.

Panda39

[Mutt]

Hi Panda39,

I guess that it was possible that the r/s might resume but if I asked her she says that she doesn’t know she knows that she loves me i knew what I wanted from the beginning she was saying different things than in the in beginning. She wants to talk and hall out but no r/s and cant answer if it well get back together I refuse to get friend zoned. There are a lot of women out there that I’m compatible with I’m just going to concentrate on detaching if I stay in touch with her it will just prolong my healing I want to heal so that I’m ready for the next woman. Relationships thrive and die that’s life.

[Mutt]

Something else, my mom said that you were going against your values in the r/s. She got sole custody of her son she had asked the lawyer if he can have no contact to their son the lawyer said it doesn’t like that in Canada. I told her that it’s not about her and her ex at this point it’s about S5 and his dad S5 and you. Having gone through the bias treatment of the court system it just went again st my core values. Kids have a right to see their dad.

[Panda39]

Sounds like you have a good plan to me!    

Panda39

[Insom]

Hi, Mutt!  Congrats on making a choice that matches your values.  I hear that this was an enjoyable relationship that you hoped would work, but that it failed to meet your needs in significant ways. 

Would it be fair to say you want to feel important to the person you're in a relationship with?

[Mutt]

That’s fair to say I’ll use an examole from the beginning she said that she felt like she had to do everything tell me what day I should take off so that we can see each other etc and the I eventually did all of the work I think that it should be half and half. I understand that she had to put in the back burner but she didn’t try to come up with solutions and I would of appreciated to have been told that she doesn’t have time instead of finding out when she started to call me once in the morning and once at night and I had to ask her what’s going on? I think asan ex I should be important enough to be told I think she didn’t discuss it are didn’t discuss afterwards. It’s a crummy way to break up with someone age hust left it up to me what choice does that leave you?

This winter going over there every single that she wanted me to because I showed that I was invested in the r/s i has to go when her son was sleeping and leave before he was up in the morning she would call in the middle of the night because she had a nightmare and wanted me to come over and I would in the middle of the night all of that to be friend zoned?

[Mutt]

I want to say as a divorced, working full-time, single mom, with friends, family, a boyfriend and things I want to do for myself, I can and have been overwhelmed at times with things in my life and have had to put my relationship with my boyfriend on a back burner while I deal with something else.  This doesn't mean I don't love him, but I am one person and I have a full life and my priorities move around.

Hi Panda,

I think that my initial responses to your post was too black and white. I can't really excuse my behaviours towards her I think that she probably hard choice to make she said that I complained often about our situation and I didn't see that way but I agree with her. I talked to her and she just said so tell me and was just her usual self we talked a little bit I'll see her on Thursday said that she loves me and I told her that I love her too. You can love someone without being in a romantic r/s. My ansiety was pretty high over the last couple of says it's not her fault it's mine.

She is a single parent full time and I'm only half the time I get a break for a week and she doesn't. I guess what I'm trying to say is that she's special to me.

Would it be fair to say you want to feel important to the person you're in a relationship with?

I panicked and if I really tried in this r/s because I know if you don't hold up your half it's going to be tough it's not her fault it's how things are in her life right and I think I probably wanted more attention that she could give. I think that I need to keep myself occupied I have some ideas some things that I want to do I'll focus on that and we agreed to be there for each other ( as friends ) It was an enjoyable r/s after the break-up and divorce from a pwBPD. My ex had an affair took whatever money that we had before she left, wouldn't let me access the kids, she put me through a smear campaign and I had to find a lawyer no resources I was alone for 4 years and then I met her she showed me that how much fun and loving a r/s can be. Anyways I have to be respectful and give her space we'll stay in touch we talked a bit this afternoon.

Thank you both for your responses they were more in the grey area than my black and white thinking your responses like the others that posted in this thread are very helpful I'm glad that I could share it here I'm a little embarrassed that my anxiety got the best of me.

[gotbushels]

Hi Mutt   

I decided to break up with her today I had told her that I don’t stay friends with exes but she’s different she’s the first one after I changed and isn’t toxic like last ones.

Yes, it feels comforting to date someone we don't experience as toxic after a difficult relationship.

I owe it to myself to stick up for my values.

Yes.   

I wish you well for summer--I hope any remaining inventory on this goes well for yourself and you're enjoying your peace. 

[Mutt]

Have a good some summer too gotbushels. Just some final thoughts , the reason why she wasn’t saying anything when I asked her hard questions is because she didn’t want to have a relationship after the honeymoon.

She is brilliant but what she lacks is experience or wisdom she said she saw a pattern where I get angry and frustrated and she thinks that I won’t be able to handle waiting for her because of that. I think that it’s normal to ask where this thing is headed after seven months, I’m not asking to move in just what direction should I point at and work my way towards that direction.

I would get frustrated and angry because she wouldn’t answer my questions when I asked her she’s smart in the sense that she led me here and it’s a bit manipulative but she’s just smart. For example she was us the teacher at my kids daycare she was smart to wait until my son was getting transferred to another room to approach me.

I noticed this last month that she wasn’t waiting for me at the door like she used to she would be waiting and hug and kiss me when I got in the door we stopped watching Bollywood movies and instead she would vent about her day I think that she enjoyed the supportive aspect. Sex was a big part of our relationship and that had sharply dropped off her desire waned and when I asked her she said that the passion drops off in all relationships. She dropped the kissing emoji’s and didn’t say I love you just “I know that you love me Mutt I can tell.”

She puts her S5 on a pedestal he’s like a god and she pushes in the relationship because of that. She doesn’t want him to get influenced by other kids with bad habits she wants him to excel in his studies later on. She said that she’s not looking for a father figure for him although she did mention at the beginning of the r/s that I didn’t care for her son I just didn’t want to rescue.

There’s still her divorce, when I said that she didn’t try to find a solution because she had too much in her plate I didn’t think that it would be too much to spend a couple of hours a week she said that she couldn’t think of a solution, she’s brilliant I have a hard time believing that, she couldn’t think of a solution because she didn’t want to.

The control over her son is going to backfire on her that’s something she can’t see she’s going to reproduce the same thing in the next r/s’s with pushing men away because her son takes a lot of place. I have kids myself you need a life aside from them.

I think that another reason why it was hard to let go is that I knew that I was in a honeymoon and the fantasy was a distraction from real life pressures; a crazy ex wife, a 12 year old D that says that she a boy and an autistic son I think that part of the pain was the realization that the fantasy ended and disappointment.

I told her a a couple of months ago that I felt that she was observing me and there was something that she didn’t like she said that it’s normal to observe in a relationship but still wouldn’t give me an answer. I told her that your brain will try to search for answers Nd it will keep doing so until it finds a satisfactory answer. If I had to take a guess I think that it’s money I’m sure though that there’s more but she did state a couple of times that she wants to get to a point where she doesn’t have to look at a price tag when she buys something. It’s a part of her culture gold is important I asked her why money was so important and she said to take care of her family.

I’m not happy with how she turned it on me and blamed me. I knew from the beginning that there were risks. The first time that we met me met my house while I was moving at the new place and we ended up in my bedroom and she said do you want me to take it off , that same week she said that she wanted to leave her family for me and she said that she wanted to have my baby it was intense.

I had thought about what my T said before “Find a woman and have s little fun” even with red flags at the beginning that’s what I set out to do I got attached. I let my guard down and had real emotional
Intimacy for the first time. It was worth it because it was a lot of fun.  I’ll never forget her. I found attracted her because I’m attractive I have good looks and I’m in shape, she liked my personality, she found this I was fun. she 12 is years younger than me she was 32 and I was only the second man that she’s been with. I’ll attract another woman.

[Mutt]

Sorry guys I’m just laying down my thoughts. She keeps a very clean house and in Friday’s she’s scrubbing walls and doing detail for for an hour almost obsessive compulsive.

She was worried about me this winter and wanted me to wear reflective tape on my winter jacket so that card can see me when it’s dark out.

A colleague at work today said said that she’s busy all of the time. She’s up at 4 sometimes and at work at 7 the gets a two hour break after 9 then she’s off at 6 at night. She has her S5 in between her shifts she’s always doing something she doesn’t take a break that was the remark that her coworker said today. Anyone that’s worked split shifts know that they are very hard. I did 4 months of them when I was in my 20’s and i hated it.

Her mom has anxiety. We tend to attract people that are similar i have anxiety / depression and traits of GAD / PTSD. At first I thought that she might have BPD when we first met because she telegraphed poor boundaries I’m guilty too because I didn’t stop myself. I don’t want to project my stuff on her. She said that she doesn’t want to he dependent on her dad or a man that’s why she’s busy all of the time the symptoms of feeling tired all of the time can be from anxiety. She’s not taking care of her anxiety. We had a conversation tonight and it hit me. She has said that she’s felt anxious I don’t recall her saying that she has anxiety. Should I I tell her to talk to a doctor?

[gotbushels]

I have kids myself you need a life aside from them.

Yes--it's important to have other things going for you besides kids. Sometimes it's also hard for people to make that happen for them.

It’s a part of her culture gold is important I asked her why money was so important and she said to take care of her family.

Yes some people are concerned about house finance because they're a part of paying for household expenses. Some cultures seem to be skewed toward it more than others.

I had thought about what my T said before “Find a woman and have s little fun” even with red flags at the beginning that’s what I set out to do I got attached.

If this is what you set out to do, then I think you did some good by it;

The first time that we met me met my house while I was moving at the new place and we ended up in my bedroom and she said do you want me to take it off , that same week she said that she wanted to leave her family for me and she said that she wanted to have my baby it was intense.

In addition to building intimacy as two consenting adults, I think this is a good reward for you;

I let my guard down and had real emotional
Intimacy for the first time.

[Mutt]

She came over today at my house. Usually when I had a weekday off we had sex at my house and sometimes her house. The first thing that I noticed was that she kept her jacket on so she wasn’t going to stay long. She was on her phone ordering a dress for her mom for Mother’s Day. I have two couches side by side she was sitting on the opposite one. I noticed that she was nervous she was talking a lot she got up and sat beside me and was showing me the dresses her leg was touching mine. I told her that I was sorry that I wasn’t listening to her when she said that she didn’t want to commit to me she said don’t think too much.

She gave me a hug it was a long tight hug it was for at least two minutes. She got up and we hugged again she said that she had to go get groceries she wa getting ready to leave and I asked her if she wanted to do something sometime. She said like what? I said watch TV or something? I thought that she might be lonely and we’d still be able to hang out. I still feelings for her and I wanted to reconcile she asked me when was the next time I had day off during the day I’ll come over.

She knows my schedule I said I get off early from work I’m free on the weeknights she didn’t say anything she left and she said I’ll call you later.

I think that she came over to say good bye because we broke up over whatsapp the hug was a good bye hug she gave me closure on Sunday she said that I loved her like no other. I went to my room to lay down to think about what had just happened. I sent her message to tell her I need to tell her something that i didn’t tell her on Sunday that I had a lot of fun with her. She said that she did too. It’s really over. I kept ignoring the signs and kept hoping.

My kids get off school early today at noon I have an appointment at the orthodontist I’m getting an expander put in. I had some other things to do today I was going to let them stay at the daycare until late this afternoon I’ll get them after my appointment just after lunch and spend time with them.

It must of been hard for her to break up with me she did it nicely and gave me closure this was not a borderline break up. I thank her so much for that.

[Lucky Jim]

I'm sorry, Mutt, to hear that it's over.  It seems like the r/s was a positive experience for both of you, which shows growth on your part.  What emotions are you experiencing?  Suggest you be kind to yourself and acknowledge your feelings as they come up.  We're here to support you through the process.

LuckyJim

[Turkish]

It may not be over.

[Mutt]

It may not be over.

She works in a daycare and she had talked to me about how she disciplines or corrects the kids behaviours. I have a pretty good idea of what behaviours from me that she doesn’t like I wasn’t listening she wasn’t saying it directly. I’ll have more time later I’ll share then I’m going to create a new thread in Saving. I’m going to have to dig deep and I think I’m going to talk to a T.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Mutt, I'm sorry if I jumped the gun by suggesting that you and she are parting ways, which is only what I gleaned from your previous post about things being "really over."  If there is still something there, then maybe it's worth exploring.  As Turkish put it, maybe it's not over.  We're here to help either way.  In any case, it sounds like your new r/s was a far cry from a BPD situation, which is a positive.  Talking to a T is always helpful, in my view, so I think it's a great idea.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

No worries Lucky Jim. I’ve been feeling all over the place this week . I should have listened to her to take a couple of weeks to make up my mind if I wanted to stay or end it. She just said that she couldn’t give me a 100% because she had too much on her plate I’ve beem told in the past that I push translation = clingy clinginess is due to fear of abandonment. I’m a adoptee and I have a fear if abandonment it’s a problem in all of my r/s’s.

She said that I was angry and frustrated because she can’t give me what I want I kept pushing I think that’s what made her decide that she wasn’t going to reconcile which is fair I shouldn’t be making threats. I sensed that something changed I identify that it was that the honeymoon was over so I started clinging more i think that sent her over the edge.

Things to take away I made an appointment today with a T I need to work on the fear abandonment I’ll see if they might give a referral to a a P. I’m going to talk to my MD I’m on Wellbutrin it’s good for my depression and anxiety but I think that I really need help with traits  of GAD worrying I’ll ask what he thinks about switching meds that also addresses GAD and about getting a referral to a P. She’s not direct but she’s indirectly told me that I worry too much.

I think she did the right thing I also think she wants to see if I’m going to make an effort this is what I came with so far i think it’s a step in the right direction and if we ultimately don’t get back together well I can go I ti the next r/s with more confidence. I really appreciate everyone’s help I read all of the posts and thanks for your support.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Mutt, It sounds like she is being honest by saying that she can't give 100% to the r/s due to other responsibilities.  To me that's being practical.  Maybe you can quell your fears of abandonment somewhat and loosen up a bit on your clinginess, which might open things up with her again?  Suggest you let her know that you are taking steps to make some changes, if you feel comfortable letting her know.

LJ