Aftermath

[LL]

Hi Everyone,

I've posted here a few times. I just need someone to talk to so I thought I would share my feeeelings here.

Today we had a death in my community. I didn't know him personally, but he was a big influence on the community and directly affected my life in many ways, indirectly, if that makes sense. Since I left my partner I have pretty much lost my entire community. I've been a bit open with some people in the community about the abusive behavior coming from my ex, mainly advocating for him to get help, but also because abuse is not ok and I believe that accountability is one of the most effective ways to elicit change in abusive behavior, and of course, because I matter. He hurt me so much in so many ways.  I've mostly been met with silence. Today it hurts a bit more because all of these people that I've worked alongside, making art, working together and spending a lot of time with for the past three years; people who I considered friends, are all grieving together and I'm not really able to be a part of it.  I know, I'm a big girl and can deal with this loss on my own, but it doesn't feel very good. I feel excluded from my own life. My ex lies so much, I can't imagine what people must think of me. I do know some of the lies he has told about me. I know that people have stopped being my friend because of what he has told them, without any interest in knowing more about the abuse. This stuff hurts a lot, and it may seem like silly stuff, but when I am all alone it feels bigger than it probably would if I had more support.

I've been doing fairly well otherwise. I've been busy rebuilding my life. I've finally started working at a real job (I'm a struggling photographer, and the hustle is real) and I'm buying a car. It's so silly, sometimes I feel like a teenager starting out in life, starting from scratch, but with a broken heart. I've found a lot of peace though through practicing compassion. There may be some disagreement, but I feel that, even though my ex-partner's actions were unacceptable and abusive, he is still a person with so many good qualities, a person who is suffering with his own demons. I think that he doesn't want to be hurtful, he just can't control it without getting help. My mantra has been, "Let me response to pain be mercy, empathy, and compassion". It has really helped me a lot. I do a lot of meditating and have found a peace I haven't felt in a long time, just paying attention to my empathy. It was really hard to do that before when all of the pain was overwhelming.  It has taken a lot of work to get to this place. It doesn't hurt quite so bad. It is practice and it is a choice, for me anyway. I choose compassion.

I'm also not sure if he will allow me to have visits with my dog in the future. This will be devastating. As you know, if you've read my posts in the past, I love that girl so much. We got her for both of us, but mainly for me as an emotional support for past trauma. I miss her so much. But one thing I've been considering, if he won't cooperate with visitation, is that I may give another dog a new home with me (it's not a selfless act, I assure you, because of course I will be getting all of the cuddles too) I've already named her, Diana P. ____(insert my last name) (get it?)  We choose love, justice, and kindness.

[Mutt]

Hi LL,

Since I left my partner I have pretty much lost my entire community. I've been a bit open with some people in the community about the abusive behavior coming from my ex, mainly advocating for him to get help, but also because abuse is not ok and I believe that accountability is one of the most effective ways to elicit change in abusive behavior, and of course, because I matter. He hurt me so much in so many ways.  I've mostly been met with silence. Today it hurts a bit more because all of these people that I've worked alongside, making art, working together and spending a lot of time with for the past three years; people who I considered friends, are all grieving together and I'm not really able to be a part of it.  I know, I'm a big girl and can deal with this loss on my own, but it doesn't feel very good.

The loss of a r/s and a community is a lot of loss, it's tough if you feel isolated from others, making the a choice that aligns with who you are is not always the easiest choice but it's better in the long run than if you took the alternative choice and which is staying in an abusive r/s. You deserve more than. LL, the truth has a way of working out on it's own.

[Lucky Jim]

I know that people have stopped being my friend because of what he has told them, without any interest in knowing more about the abuse. This stuff hurts a lot, and it may seem like silly stuff, but when I am all alone it feels bigger than it probably would if I had more support.

Hey LL, Let me echo Mutt and say, yes, it hurts to lose those so-called friends, but it leads to greater happiness now that you are out of an abusive r/s.  It's normal for a pwBPD to paint you black in the aftermath of a r/s.  Some will see through it; others may believe it.  Either way, it's out of your control so I suggest you let it go.  think of it this way: you're finding our who your real friends are.

LuckyJim

[Wicker Man]

I've been doing fairly well otherwise. I've been busy rebuilding my life. I've finally started working at a real job (I'm a struggling photographer, and the hustle is real)

LL I am a director of photography (commercials and movies) and intimately under getting work is far harder than actually doing the work.  I had swung my career over to the country of my undiagnosed BPD lover and now find myself trying to swing my career back to my country.  When I ended my relationship I also walked away from years of contacts. 

and I'm buying a car. It's so silly, sometimes I feel like a teenager starting out in life, starting from scratch, but with a broken heart.

As an artist we can use this pain.  There is a beauty in pain and it will effect how you approach your art -as horrible as it feels right now, know that pain forces growth.

There may be some disagreement, but I feel that, even though my ex-partner's actions were unacceptable and abusive, he is still a person with so many good qualities, a person who is suffering with his own demons. I think that he doesn't want to be hurtful, he just can't control it without getting help.

I actually began posting here on BPD Family because I have the same belief.  My ex lover had no control over her emotional state.  She is a leaf blown in the wind.  When she loved me she did it with all her heart and it was the single best feeling I have ever experienced.  When she raged -by God she hated me with the same passion.  When she drank she would literally forget about us and was capable of anything. 

I'm also not sure if he will allow me to have visits with my dog in the future. This will be devastating.

This really struck a chord with me.  Our 'baby' a 6 year old rescued samoyed from ShangHai died six days after I left my lover.  My lover went unresponsive into the hospital.  Not contacting her -staying 'No Contact' was, perhaps, one of the most difficult things I have ever done.  Her friends were beseeching me to come back. 

Aftermath... .  Yes, perfectly said.  I have been using the term 'fallout'.  Turmoil, pain, confusion have all become words I now use on a daily basis.

Dive into your work.  Create and try to use your pain as inspiration.


Wicker Man

[LL]

 

Either way, it's out of your control so I suggest you let it go.  think of it this way: you're finding our who your real friends are.

I'm working on letting it go, it's just a process. It is good to know who your real friends are, but it's a painful realization.

As an artist we can use this pain.

Yeah, I'm finding that to be true. My work has been a bit darker these days, but that's not a bad thing.

You deserve more than. LL, the truth has a way of working out on it's own.

We all deserve to be treated with kindness, compassion, and empathy. Again, part of the process. I guess I can thank my ex for one thing; the opportunity to completely address my personal issues has pretty much been forced upon me. I don't fully believe that you cannot love someone if you don't love yourself, but I do believe that in order to be happy we must find that love and acceptance of who we are. I guess I don't really care if some of the people in my life believe me or not. If they really knew me they would know that I am not the person that he is trying to paint me as, and those that don't care enough to investigate, or step in and help, well I guess that's not a real friendship and I just have to accept them where they are. It is my choice who I give my energy to. It's just lonely right now.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi LL,

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through regards the response from those around you at this difficult time.  Wicker Man is right that your creativity can be an outlet for your pain.  I study art and photography and my work became very dark also, but has received a lot of admiration from other artists as it provokes a response.  Now that I am further removed from that most painful time I'm able to see how I've grown as an individual and in my creativity.  I know that may feel very far away from where you are but you may be surprised how each day and every small step adds up.  How are you spending the time you might otherwise have been interacting with those who have fallen away? 

Perhaps this is a good time to think about the types of acquaintances and friends you wish to surround yourself with and to seek that through becoming involved in areas you have interests.  Are there any groups you could tap into in your area?  I look upon times of loss as being handed a blank canvas to paint something new.  After winter comes spring.  A fresh start can lead us on the path to our true destination.  Let us know how you're doing.

Love and light x   

[LL]

I'm working a lot, which is better than not working, but I'm very lonely. The past few days have been particularly rough. I'm just feeling cut off from the world. I know that this won't last forever but I'm in the middle of it right now. It's weird because I don't want to be with my ex, it was a terribly unhealthy relationship, and I don't want to go back to that, but I feel sadness for the loss. He was my best friend and now there is a hole in my life, I miss him (the good parts of him). I'm having trouble with the fact that this breakup has been so hard for me. Like I've said before, I've been through breakups in the past, but something about this one just destroyed me. I'm still practicing compassion, but it is practice and it doesn't mean that pain is not there. I just don't know how another human can go from "I love you, you are my best friend, we are going to spend our lives together, we are a team" to posting "I got 99 problems but a b**ch ain't one" online. This coming from a man who is intellectually brilliant and well educated.

[Wicker Man]

This coming from a man who is intellectually brilliant and well educated.

My undiagnosed BPD ex is a genius -award winning pianist, dancer, calligrapher -she is good at everything she sets her mind to.  Apparently this is not uncommon. 

I understand precisely what you mean when you talk about the tectonic shift in sentiment -Always and forever, knight in shining armor, never before, always, best.  Then rage and hatred.

I feel incredible pity for my ex.  She is a genius and ultimately she knows what she did when she broke me.  This pity and the love I felt for her is not, however, enough for me to consign myself to annihilation.  This lovely woman would have destroyed me. 

She had a flirtatious relationship with the truth... .But I did once receive complete and utter honesty --real true selfless love.  She was suffering from dysphoria one evening.  She was non-responsive, consumed in darkness.  I slowly, over hours talked her through it.  She began responding, feeling better.  She told me that evening 'You must leave me -I will destroy you'.  At the time pride and naivety made me unable to understand this gift of true love.

She deeply loved me -but knew because of her nature. She would have consumed me.  This is the tragedy of BPD in my opinion.  What she craves most of all in her life is something she can never allow to exist --love.

I think often about the scorpion and the frog parable.  I spoke with my therapist about this.  In the fantasy I had created my beautiful princess kissed the frog and I turned into a prince... .  My therapist said 'So you think you are a frog?'  I said -'Yes I am living frog who left the scorpion to negotiate the river on her own'.

The aftermath for me comes from having to realize my relationship was an elaborate and fantastic construct of my creation.  Childish love --'If I care for you the way I want to be loved -then you will love me that way too'.

I ultimately 'got off easy'.  At the end of a 7 day rage she broke up with me.  This caused me to have an epiphany --she will leave me one day.  She had meant the 'break up' as a threat and back peddled as soon as I 'called her bluff' -but for me it was not a 'call' -this was my life, not a game.  I say got off easy because my dance with BPD was brief, but there is Aftermath.

This last couple days I have been reminding myself of an old movie quote --"Strange game. The only way to win is not to play."

[Harley Quinn]

I'm working a lot, which is better than not working, but I'm very lonely. The past few days have been particularly rough. I'm just feeling cut off from the world. I know that this won't last forever but I'm in the middle of it right now. It's weird because I don't want to be with my ex, it was a terribly unhealthy relationship, and I don't want to go back to that, but I feel sadness for the loss. He was my best friend and now there is a hole in my life, I miss him (the good parts of him).

LL, what if anything did you do before you met your ex that you let fall by the wayside?  What have you always wanted to do but never gotten around to?  When I was feeling as you do - cut off from the world - I turned my thoughts to these things.  You are going to miss him and remember the good times and all the things you've loved about him.  That comes with the territory and it's OK to feel that way.  It can be likened to withdrawal symptoms in many respects. 

At the same time, self care is so vital right now to allow you the strength to work through these feelings and come out the other side, so I'd encourage you to push yourself to do something positive for yourself, like reaching out and connecting with others, even though that may be the last thing you feel like doing.  For myself, I found that booking myself onto short courses and getting involved in groups was a way to be around people and feel the nurturing effect that has.  I began to feel like I existed in the wider world again. 

When you're not working, I'd advise you to take a look around at what is available in your area.  It may surprise you.  Community centres, local libraries and other wellbeing focused projects can be hidden gems where new or existing interests can be explored with like minded individuals.  Perhaps you could find yourself teaching others your art in the process and connecting that way.  Finding ways to have fun and possibly make new friends can go a long way to helping you to feel like you again.  This doesn't happen overnight, but you are worth the effort. 

Love and light x

[LL]

Thank you, everyone, for your responses. It really is good to have this place to come to.

I've been doing fairly well recently. I still have moments of sadness and anger. Today was a little rough. I see the support that my ex is getting from my community and it still hurts. It is frustrating that this man has done some pretty terrible things to me and he is the one getting validation and support. I want him to get help, but I also need help. I keep re-reading the comments everyone has left here, and it is true that it will be better in the long run that I know who my real friends are. I'm still kind of shocked at how this has all played out. I guess I hope that one day the truth will come out.

I'm also remembering today, that (I'm not exaggerating) the only time my ex-apologized to me was once a few months before I left, when he said he was sorry, sorry that he didn't enforce his boundaries sooner. He had this thing with boundaries before we broke up, suddenly I was crossing all of his boundaries (standing up for myself, talking about issues that were a huge concern; ie drugs)

It doesn't seem to do any good to talk about abuse. Nobody cares, or they believe the abuser. Even women who have been through abuse themselves have turned their back on me, but I have to remember that I couldn't see the abuse either, I couldn't believe that this charming charismatic, vulnerable human would do the terrible things that he has done, and he was doing them to me. I guess I can't really expect others to see through his lies. He is just so good at this. I'm not the first person he has done this to. He was emotionally abusive to his ex (I found out after I left him) She wanted to warn me, or offer support if I needed it, but she was afraid that I wouldn't believe her and that she would just look like the crazy ex.  Another one of his exes told me, "he cheated on me like it was his job". I had been so jealous when I was with him, his wandering eye, his secret "friendships". He had so many secrets. But he would always tell me that I was the prettiest girl in the room.  I don't think he physically cheated on me, but I know he had completely inappropriate relationships with other women when he was with me. He would ask me odd questions out of nowhere, like "how do men have two relationships at one time, it seems like a lot of work". It was so random and weird for him to ask me this and I had a bad feeling about it when he did. Once he went over to his ex's apartment. When I asked him where he was he told me, then said he needed to take a shower (it was out of the norm for him). I told him my concern, you go to your ex's house, need a shower after, red flags everywhere. He assured me nothing had happened... Then months later he told me (randomly) that if I talked to her she would probably say that he tried to have sex with her... .I'm such an idiot... He also changed the story later and said that he took a shower that day because he had gone to the gym. Complete lie... God, what is wrong with me! This is the same woman that he referred to as "She that will not be named, a garbage person" and as far as he and a friend of his, were concerned she had revoked her human card. He contacted her a month after I left him... .I'm also sad that I didn't see how badly he treated her. I was uncomfortable with the way he referred to her, but his version of her was believable; he painted a picture that made it seem that she wasn't a very kind person.

I've just started a new job this week. I really wanted this job, I applied for it before I left my ex. They just now got back to me with an offer. The difficult part is that my ex-comes to the place (next door in the same building). I'm not sure how I'm going to handle seeing him. I think I will be able to just stay in my office space while he is around, but it's going to be rough. Turning the job offer down is not an option right now. He won't be there every day. I think I can mostly avoid him.

I also received an email this morning reminding me of a journal entry from a year ago... I started to read through my old entries and it's kind of shocking how unhappy I have been for so long, and how much crap I put up with. It's also concerning how much I blamed myself. One entry I wrote down something he said to me, I had asked him to tell me something sweet; his response, "I don't know how to break up with you"... Ugh...

[Harley Quinn]

Great news on the new job LL.  That has to feel like a step forwards for you onto a path of your choosing.  Good going!  Will you connect with new people as a result?
 It's certainly unfortunate that your ex frequents the building, but I'm glad that you are not put off from taking the role.  Have you thought about what you will say or do when you run into him?   

I'm interested to know if you have considered speaking to a domestic abuse service, just to have someone to speak to in confidence about what you've been through and how it has affected you?  This would be an opportunity to have the understanding and validation that you are feeling is lacking amongst your community.  What we've experienced can have lasting effects on us and takes time to work through.  Perhaps it's something to think about.

Love and light x 

[LL]

I have thought about an interaction with him and what I would do or say. I think the only thing that I would be able to effectively do is to walk away. I don't have a response that will not be emotional; which means I may say things that I regret later (not mean, just ineffective) or that leave me feeling even more invalidated. I am confident that he won't do anything obvious in front of other people, he will most likely ignore me, and that's fine with me. I plan to avoid him in every way I can.

I have a domestic violence advocate. She is good to talk to. She is very busy and I speak to her maybe once a month. It has been helpful. I think the way my life is going I just have to learn to be ok being alone. I guess it just doesn't feel like the time in one's life that one should be doing it alone. The general message I am getting is that I am a grown a** woman and I need to just be an adult and accept that life is not fair. I have to make my own happiness.