Cynthia3
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 4
|
 |
« on: May 14, 2018, 09:15:14 AM » |
|
Good morning,
I am a single mom of a 15-year-old daughter and 18-year-old-son. My son has struggled with mental health for many years. His father and I divorced when he was three. Parenting time became increasingly inconsistent and emotionally abusive, (using obscene names to discuss me to the kids, telling them that everything was my fault, not letting them call, etc.) He was once arrested for DUI with the children in his car, and finally DYFS was involved when my son told his therapist his father wanted them to drink beer together. Long story short, my daughter stopped visiting him at about 5 years old, and my son at about 8. In response to this, rather than clean up his act, their father has disappeared from their lives. We often have no idea where he is, unless the child support system tracks him down from time to time. Unfortunately, as a young mother with two young kids and no father figure in their lives, I too made mistakes. Two failed live-in relationships and a second failed marriage certainly resulted in undermining their sense of stability, rather than creating the family unit I had hoped to find for all of us.
I've had my son in and out of therapy over the years. He has always been combative about it. As he got older, he had increasing problems with anger control and, often feeling left out socially, with depression. Although there have been long periods of time where he seems to be doing ok, he has been increasingly volatile over the past two years. In 2016, my father passed away from terminal cancer. That likely had a huge impact on my son, who adored him. I think that looming adulthood and college/life on his own are also extremely troublesome for him. Last year, after driving halfway to the emergency room following an angry outburst and suicide threat, he promised he'd try therapy again. It didn't go well or last long, but he seemed to be doing better for several months. This fall, it started up again. He is almost constantly unpleasant at home, and angry almost as much. While he blames his father or his peers, or teachers sometimes, he blames me for everything that is wrong in life on an almost daily basis. He slams doors so hard and often, that paint is chipping off the trim and I often have to re-nail it to the door jamb. He calls me names I'm not sure I can repeat here, and finally has begun to say he wants to die almost anytime he doesn't get his way and these types of situations arise. He agreed to go back into therapy in November and also agreed to see a psychiatrist for medication help. He had almost constant difficulty getting to school in the morning and then verbally attacked a girl he didn't like in school, causing a teacher to go to administration. I have been in constant contact with his guidance counselor, who knew what he and I were dealing with. In January, after a meeting at school that his therapist and I both attended, we made the decision that home instruction might be best for him for a while, since he also blamed his misery on his school and the kids in it and was struggling to improve in that environment. Through all of this, he managed to get very good grades and was accepted to 7 colleges. Home instruction was a nightmare. He would go into angry mini-tirades every time he had to go to meet his teachers at the library. He spent most days sleeping and playing video games, and would launch verbal attacks at me any time I questioned him about his work or even offered to help. He seemed both excited to go to college, and crippled with fear... .I suspect he is subconsciously self-destructing so that he can avoid his fear of the future.
In mid-March, during a conversation that was not going well, he slapped a soda can out of my hand and across the room. This was the first time he was hospitalized. On the way to the hospital, he verbally berated me the entire time, threw his iPhone out the car window, opened the door and threatened to take off in the middle of the road, almost picked a fight with a stranger in the parking garage, and got mouthy with hospital security prompting a police officer to stand by us until he was taken in. He was there for 5 days. He initially refused to sign consent forms or speak to me. Eventually he did. His sister and I visited several times and he came home apologetic and wanting to continue therapy and work on things. The hospital suggested a partial care program, but he refused. A few days later, he began to ignore school work again, despite us implementing a system HE had come up with to help him get the work done and reduce our interactions over it so that we could get along better. The yelling, name-calling, and door slamming started again. Then, all within a few days, he put up a few social media posts directed at kids he felt had excluded or been unkind to him in the past, prompting a visit from our local police to check on him, as well as several visits to school administration by kids who were either worried about him, or upset by his posts. He became upset with a friend he felt had excluded him from a party and punched a tree. He was hospitalized again. This time the hospital chose involuntary commitment as they felt his willingness to sign in voluntarily was superficial. They were likely right, as when he called, he would either call me horrible names and hang up on me, or refuse to speak to me and ask to speak to his sister instead. He would tell her how awful I am and then that he would be killing himself as soon as he was released. (My poor daughter. She desperately wanted to be there for him, but was subjected to these fearful statements.) Again he refused to sign consent, but eventually relented. I went to one family meeting about a week in, and he was released two days later, after just 9 days. This time the clinic helped to compel him into a Partial Care program. I have been open, honest, and communicative with his clinician. I attend a meeting once each week, update her on how things are at home and even informed her that he was almost taken back to the hospital about a week ago after an angry fit during which he threw a picture frame and shattered glass all over his bedroom and punched his bedroom floor. He has been in Partial Care for 3 weeks, and they now want to downgrade him to Intensive Outpatient. Things seem no better at home, although at least he's getting school work done there now, so will hopefully get his high school diploma, and I'm removed from that battle.
I have spent years trying to help him. I have acknowledged and apologized for any role I have played in making things tough for him, I have spent the past 5-6 years completely single without so much as a date to try to create some stability, I have encouraged him to believe that childhood situations like his fathers behavior and choices, or mine, are NOT his fault, I have enthusiastically supported any interests he has taken up over the years, reminded him of the positive qualities he possesses and the achievements he should be proud of, I have welcomed his friends to "hang out" at our home to help support his social life, I have tried to spend quality time with him taking him on snowboarding trips, to a favorite comedians show, out for sushi, and to the Pro Bowl over the years. Any time he expresses an interest in spending time with me or as a family, I say yes. I have taken him to therapy and a psychiatrist (which I pay for out of pocket), gotten him medication, taking him to the hospital, but because he is 18 years old, there's not much more I can do. My daughter and I live in a dysfunctional, hostile, "walking on eggshells" environment. He barely speaks to us anymore and when he does speak to me, it is at best disrespectful, and most often completely abusive. He continues to say that I cause his problems, says I make him feel terrible about himself every day, and he'd be fine if he got away from me. My daughter is forced to witness all of this and is increasingly upset by it.
Here's a recent example: Over the past couple of weeks, my son has been either avoiding interaction with me, or verbally abusing me, (unless he needs or wants something.) A week ago, my daughter spent her own money to buy a Mother's Day card for him to give me. She was afraid he would do nothing and my feelings would be hurt (they wouldn't have, as I expected that.) He didn't thank her, but instead grumbled, "Oh great... .F-ing Mother's Day" and later we found the card thrown across the room on the floor. She quietly put it away, thinking he might change his mind ask for it later. He didn't. Yesterday my daughter made me breakfast in bed, gave me a nice card and gift she had paid for with her own money. I then took my mother out for brunch. My son asked if we were doing anything for Mother's Day. I told him his sister had made breakfast for me, and I was taking Grandma out but would be home by 3:30. He responded with, "I won't be here." Of course never even saying Happy Mother's Day. While I was out, he told his sister she was making him look bad, and she said "Then do something about it. I'm allowed to do whatever I want to do for Mom." He told her no he won't do anything, because he doesn't give a bleep. Then last night, he got upset that we weren't doing anything for mother's day because no one asked him if he wanted to. I reminded him that his sister had tried but he didn't seem receptive and that, based on the way things have been lately, while I'm not upset with him, I felt it best not to force him into anything, or make him feel obligated. (Truth be told, in addition to not wanting to force him to partake in a celebration of me, my son has ruined several family occasions in the past with nasty behavior and intentionally outward misery. My brother passed away recently, which has been very hard on my mother. I wanted her and I to have a nice Mother's Day meal without drama or upset. She deserved that.) So, of course, it's MY fault that he did nothing for me or with me on Mother's Day. I wasn't surprised and just let it go. My daughter was disgusted.
I LOVE my son, I want to help him, but I'm also getting to that point where I feel like I'm going to be forced to choose his issues over my daughter's well-being (she struggles with anxiety herself but has worked hard to overcome it.) Not to mention the constant state of verbal abuse and manipulation I am living with. Neither of us should have to live this way, especially her. He is 18 and so, I can't force him to do anything to help himself if he refuses. If he doesn't go away to school in the Fall, or if it doesn't work out, I'm not sure what to do next, as I just don't think I can let this unhealthy home environment continue much longer, no matter how much I love him. It's hurting me, hurting my daughter, and doesn't seem to be helping him anyway.
One day, I feel like a pretty good parent who's done my best to help him, I can't make him work on himself, and getting him out of the household is the right thing to do for my daughter and myself, (and maybe for him, if it forces him to stop blaming me and start working on himself.) He would have to get a full-time job and I would be able to provide a reasonable amount of financial assistance for at least a few years. The next day, the thought of sending him out on his own seems horribly wrong, like I'm a selfish parent who is failing and giving up on him. "He's ill, how can you do that?", I think. I feel like I'm holding my breath every day, can't plan or enjoy anything without his behaviors overshadowing it. My daughter and I never know what we're waking up to, coming home to, or living with from one day to the next. I'm getting by pretty well on a daily basis. Doing my best not to engage with his anger, moodiness, or nasty comments. Apparently, I'm stronger than I ever thought, but I also know that, just beneath the surface, I'm pretty overwhelmed and afraid.
|
