Looking for support for children of narcissistic parents

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

I’m new here.  I stumbled across the site when looking for online support for children of narcissistic parents.

Thought I’d drop by and say hello.  

[Brittica]

Hi,

I’m new here.  I stumbled across the site when looking for online support for children of narcissistic parents.

Thought I’d drop by and say hello.  

[Harri]

Hi Brittica and welcome to the board!  You are in the right place as we are all dealing with a relative with BPD and NPD type behaviors here. 

I am glad you stopped to say hello.  When you feel ready, share more of your story so we can get to know you and support you better.

Take care.

[Turkish]

My mother with BPD doesn't have a narcissistic bone in her body,  but you will find great support here as many members do have parents like yours. 

What would you say are the narcissistic behaviors you are dealing with?

[Brittica]

Thanks for the replies.  I guess I need to go back to what triggered this revelation of NPD.

There’s a lot of background to my situation, so I will try and truncate it as much as I can.  I apologise for the length.

Since November of last year, I have been on anxiety medication and seeing a therapist to work through issues that arose due to my mother’s ill health. I live in England, and she lives in the USA. Last September, I received a call that she was in hospital after having multiple strokes, and I was advised to take the first plane out as her condition was critical. She was intubated and ventilated for 16 days, in an induced coma, and my brother and I (our father died years ago, and Mom was 3 times divorced) were preparing for her death. On the 15th day, she woke up. She was taken off the ventilator the next day. It was a long road of recovery for her, the first two weeks of which she could not communicate by talking or writing as she had sustained damage to those areas of the brain and had to relearn how to do everything. Because of this, and because we had no idea what cognitive ability she would have, we asked her to agree to a power of attorney for the time being to help in case I needed to handle any finances or medical decisions from across the pond. She agreed and made her “mark” (an x that is legal when witnessed) and witnessed by 4 other people. As I could not stay there indefinitely, the POA allowed me the ability to handle things from afar. My brother is an idiot savant, so the idea of him dealing with major decisions was out of the question.

Fast forward to now. My mother has done nothing but complain about decisions we made for her, and all of her hatred and disdain is aimed at me. She doesn’t say a word about my brother and his part in what happened. About 3 months ago, I started speaking to my therapist about the hold she has over me, and I began to realise that she has been hateful, mean, aggressive, rude, selfish, manipulative, vindictive, and dismissive of me all my life. In researching, I have come to the realisation that she has NPD. Growing up, I was never good enough; I never did anything right; I was fat and ugly; she acted ashamed and embarrassed of me when we were around other people; she divorced my dad when I was 2 but married and divorced two more always accusing them and my father of being alcoholics or liars or something; I was always “selfish” or “making something out of nothing” or “acting crazy”, or “not listening”; she made all my decisions growing up and wouldn’t let me do anything I wanted to do; one minute she’d be friendly, the next she’d be screaming at me for something insignificant; she insulted all my friends and their families to me; she rarely ever hugged me and I found physical intimacy with her to be awkward, like she didn’t know how to; she has never admitted she’s ever done anything wrong, and I can honestly say she’s never said “I’m sorry” to me in all my life.

I am now trying to go no contact with her, currently a few days since. She recently went to the lawyer who did the POA and had it revoked but claimed that she was forced to sign it and that she didn’t know what she was signing. All the witnesses attest that those are lies. She may even try and sue either me or the lawyer or both of us because she has tried to say that I was stealing her money. She’s unbelievably paranoid about her finances and doesn’t need to be; she has more money than I do! I didn’t want the POA in the first place; it was a necessary evil at the time, so I’m glad it’s revoked because I thought I could go NC after that. Then, last week, she went to her bank and had me added to her account. The bank emailed me a signature card to sign and scan back. I called them and told them to take me off. I called my mother last Thursday and told her I didn’t want to be on it, and she pitched a tantrum about how selfish I was and that I never listen. Blah blah blah. I then told her that THIS is the reason I don’t want any part of it anymore; that her abuse and hatred towards me has left me with needing anxiety meds and a therapist. Her response? “Well, I’ve been that way for years.”

I have often questioned if I’m right, if she actually is narcissistic, but one BIG red flag sticks out in my memory. When I was planning my wedding over 10 years ago, my mother was dating yet another man. They wanted to get married. My mother came to me less than a week before my own wedding and asked me if I would mind them getting married the morning of my wedding in the same church in their small chapel. I didn’t care at the time because I was too wrapped up in planning to really pay attention. My husband (fiancé at the time), however, flipped his lid. I had to talk him down. He was THISCLOSE to calling it all off. I now realise she could not stand the fact that I would have one day when the attention wouldn’t be on her, and she also thought she might sabotage my happiness because she knew my fiancé wouldn’t like it.

I still wonder if I’m making something out of nothing, but I know for sure I never really felt loved or accepted by her. My brother was the opposite: he was the GC. I often wondered if I was adopted. I loved my father more than anything, and I felt immense love and appreciation from him, like he felt blessed he had me. I felt valued and perfect in my own way around him. We shared interests and had mutual respect for each other. As soon as I returned to my mother from being with him, all that happiness and light went away.

I’m sorry for this being a novel, and thanks for sticking with it until now, if you have. Sometimes it just all comes spewing out.  :|

[Turkish]

I hope any possible lawsuit doesn't go anywhere.  My mother made accusations of criminal elder financial abuse that I was stealing her money.  The social worker went to the bank to investigate and they confirmed absolutely not.  I'm glad I was told after the fact. I supported her for 4 months and gave her many thousands over the years. She denied one rescue in front of people  (me helping her with her property taxes) and I stood there feeling like a fool. 

As so many people here and in real life told me, I like you did the right thing at the time.  Now it's time to do the right thing for yourself to protect YOU.

Sometimes it takes a lot of input from others to make us aware of the extreme dysfunction we put up with for so long.