Step 4- " I shall re-experience each set of memories as they surface in my mind"

[Mooberry]

I'm finally giving myself space to think about it all, to put it down somewhere.  I think I am going to use this thread as my place to write down my experiences.  I'm not sure if they will be chronological- but maybe I will put the date that I had the memory, and update the post each time I have a memory.

5/15/2018
When I was 18, I got into an argument with my mother about going back to college from a weekend home.  I lived away for school but was FOG'd into returning home for the weekends.  My mom started to rage, and at 18- the lack of rational thought escalated me into wanting to leave.  She took my keys away.  Followed me outside screaming throwing, and telling me that I was making myself and her look like horrible people to the neighbors.  She somehow got me back inside.  I went to my room, and she followed me screaming, yelling, and when I wouldn't engage- she began the hair pulling, hitting.  I was in a corner, now huddled down, curled into the fetal position, sobbing, screaming for her to stop.  She was calling me a whore, a slut, telling me that I was dumb, stupid, and that I hated her.  My dad walked in, and asked her to stop.  She stopped.  I think she apologized for it.  She doesn't remember.

5/15/2018
When i was 15 I was lured and nearly kidnapped by a sex trafficker.  The FBI was in my house.  I was in a corner still in shock from the trauma.  She was sobbing, crying about how she was a bad mother.  She was screaming at me asking me about masturbation, and sex, and if I was a virgin... .in front of a team of FBI agents attempting to convince my parents to let them pose as me online.  My mother called me a slut for days, and still comments about me not being a virgin when I got married.  She also told everyone what happened, and her friends sent me books about sex before marriage.  It was mortifying on top of the severe trauma I had already experienced.

[Harri]

Hi MissyMoo and welcome!

The memories you wrote about are quite traumatic and serious.  Was physical and emotional violence common growing up?  Your mother took some very tough things and made them all about her and then used humiliation on top of that.  Very hurtful.  I am sorry she did those things.  How did your father respond to the second memory you wrote about?  Were you able to get any comfort or support from anyone?  Other family members or friends?  Hope did you cope?

Feel free to share more as you see fit.

Take care.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi KrissyMoo,

I'm glad you are sharing with us. It's hard to do what you are doing, and it takes bravery, but we are hear to listen and walk alongside you, together. I hope you won't feel so alone. Harri has asked some great questions that can help you to process through the stuff of the memories.

How is it for you when you re-experience these memories? What do you feel? What does your body say?

Let me share a bit of how this process was for me when my own memories began loosening up and pouring out. At first I was too scared to let them come, but my T encouraged me to approach the memories and let them come, but with the very strong words of reminding me that I wasn't that young child anymore, and that they are only memories now without the power of a literal physical uBPDm handing out the abuse. Nonetheless, it was often terrifying to remember because I felt as if I was back there going through it all over again.

I can assure you that you'll get through this one memory at a time and as you are ready. Who is there to walk along with you through this besides us here?

Extra hugs for you.   
Wools

[Mooberry]

Hi MissyMoo and welcome!

The memories you wrote about are quite traumatic and serious.  Was physical and emotional violence common growing up?  Your mother took some very tough things and made them all about her and then used humiliation on top of that.  Very hurtful.  I am sorry she did those things.  How did your father respond to the second memory you wrote about?  Were you able to get any comfort or support from anyone?  Other family members or friends?  Hope did you cope?

Feel free to share more as you see fit.

Take care.

Hi Harri
I've repressed a lot, but yes.  The really big blow ups turned physical.  The emotional and verbal abuse was daily since I was very young.  My dad was a buffer, but worked a lot... .my hunch is so that he could stay away.  He'd tell us to treat her like everyday is her birthday... .so as to not get the abuse.  

My dad knew it was bad. He never denied anything.  He'd just say, you know she's crazy... .why do you engage?

I also remembered a day learning my times tables as a kid.  My mom became so frustrated she ended up slamming my head into the table because she swore that I was purposefully trying to piss her off.  I must have been 8 years old.  

When my dad was home the severe stuff didn't happen as much.  He really helped her stay regulated.

I'm ready to heal, Harri, and I have nothing to keep to myself anymore.

My oldest sister was parentified and triangulated.  She is my stand in mother, and continues to be the person I look to for help.  My brother who js 5 years older has always tried to keep me safe, and I believe became the rebellious one to take the attention off of me.  He and I are very close.  He recently moved from the home, and is now talking to me about my own plan.

[Mooberry]

Hi KrissyMoo,

I'm glad you are sharing with us. It's hard to do what you are doing, and it takes bravery, but we are hear to listen and walk alongside you, together. I hope you won't feel so alone. Harri has asked some great questions that can help you to process through the stuff of the memories.

How is it for you when you re-experience these memories? What do you feel? What does your body say?

Let me share a bit of how this process was for me when my own memories began loosening up and pouring out. At first I was too scared to let them come, but my T encouraged me to approach the memories and let them come, but with the very strong words of reminding me that I wasn't that young child anymore, and that they are only memories now without the power of a literal physical uBPDm handing out the abuse. Nonetheless, it was often terrifying to remember because I felt as if I was back there going through it all over again.

I can assure you that you'll get through this one memory at a time and as you are ready. Who is there to walk along with you through this besides us here?

Extra hugs for you.   
Wools

I have an amazing T who has been with me for years helping me to get to a point to share about my mom.

Some memories make mr laugh, some make my stomach hurt.  I've had some diarrhea today.  I also feel a lot of relief along with fear of what I've repressed.  I still live in a home with her... .my husband, and my 2 kids.  She's no longer physically abusive, but she continues all other aspects of BPD.  I have very strong boundaries with her... .

I'm bracing for the nightmares.  I do suffer from cPTSD, and my fear is that I'm going to do to my kids what she's done to me... .I've taken every test, quiz, whatever to make sure I don't have BPD... .but the behaviors and maladaptive thoughts I grew up being taught are still there.  The more I parent- the more I feel and see their presence.  The other day I told my son, "in the end all you have is family"... .and I immediately realized that I was taught that my entire life, and it's not true.  Plenty of people have lasting friendships with people not in their family.

Unpacking the effects of BPD and all of the memories is going to be a process, but necessary in my process to leave this house.

[Harri]

It is wonderful that you are able to have a close relationship with your siblings.  Sometimes, like with my brother and I, having a good relationship is not always possible.  I mean we do not fight, but we do not hang out or anything like that.  We do love and support each other though.  When we were little kids we would stand up for each other and were very protective of each other.  That changed when we hit tween and teens though, then it became every man for himself.  My mother used to play us against each other even as adults. 

Raising kids is like holding up a mirror to ourselves (or so I've read, I do not have kids!)  I do know several of my friends with kids have had to confront some tough emotional stuff of their own that comes up as they interact with their kids.  They said it can be very intense but they were willing to pause, step back and work on things.  Awareness is good, but it is not enough.  You have to be willing to work on things too.  It sounds like you are willing to do that. 

[Mooberry]

I'm finally giving myself space to think about it all, to put it down somewhere.  I think I am going to use this thread as my place to write down my experiences.  I'm not sure if they will be chronological- but maybe I will put the date that I had the memory, and update the post each time I have a memory.

5/15/2018
When I was 18, I got into an argument with my mother about going back to college from a weekend home.  I lived away for school but was FOG'd into returning home for the weekends.  My mom started to rage, and at 18- the lack of rational thought escalated me into wanting to leave.  She took my keys away.  Followed me outside screaming throwing, and telling me that I was making myself and her look like horrible people to the neighbors.  She somehow got me back inside.  I went to my room, and she followed me screaming, yelling, and when I wouldn't engage- she began the hair pulling, hitting.  I was in a corner, now huddled down, curled into the fetal position, sobbing, screaming for her to stop.  She was calling me a whore, a slut, telling me that I was dumb, stupid, and that I hated her.  My dad walked in, and asked her to stop.  She stopped.  I think she apologized for it.  She doesn't remember.

5/15/2018
When i was 15 I was lured and nearly kidnapped by a sex trafficker.  The FBI was in my house.  I was in a corner still in shock from the trauma.  She was sobbing, crying about how she was a bad mother.  She was screaming at me asking me about masturbation, and sex, and if I was a virgin... .in front of a team of FBI agents attempting to convince my parents to let them pose as me online.  My mother called me a slut for days, and still comments about me not being a virgin when I got married.  She also told everyone what happened, and her friends sent me books about sex before marriage.  It was mortifying on top of the severe trauma I had already experienced.

5/16/2018
I was in high school, and we were driving in the car.  She was screaming at me, and I was hysterically screaming back and crying.  She was driving erratically (she was screaming after all).  A bird fell from the sky and hit our windshield.  We both started laughing.

5/16/2018
I think was about 8.  I had stuffed my pants full of stuffed animals and was rubbing myself on the stuffed animals- masturbating.  I remember getting in trouble, but I can't remember anything else.  I have a memory of walking down a dark hallway, and when I try to remember more I get physically ill (every time).  I know what happened, I just wish I knew who.  I feel angry that I wasn't protected.  I feel angry because I believe the perpetrator was the man who had raped my mom at 15.  Did she think it was all about her and therefore that I wasn't at risk?  She swears I never was around him, but I have memories of it.

5/16/2018
I remember that my mom would sit on the couch in her nightgown and put her hand under it and either pick at the area underneath the fold of fat on her stomach, or at her genitalia.  She'll deny it.  My oldest brother has always been extremely bothered by it, but I just thought it was a weird mom-ism.  I hope she wasn't masturbating, but who knows?

5/16/2018
My mom was lying in bed for days.  She would scream at how bad her head hurt.  She wouldn't come out of the room, but would demand we help her and bring things to her.  It seemed fake even as a kid.  I now know that she often does this with other health issues.  Minor issues are blown out of proportion while actual health problems are not taken care of (i.e. diabetes). 

Reflection on memories remembered:
I feel like a lot of what is surfacing today is related to not having been taken care of as a child.  In my life, there are a lot of times that I ask myself- where were they?  She was so caught up in herself that she failed to see the problems I was having.  I was doing very poorly in school.  I was getting bullied.  I had no friends.  She made me dress so that I wouldn't get attention.  If anything was "trendy" it was the devil incarnate.  So much coming out.  Maybe I'll write a book one day.

My brother called me last night- "staying there isn't sustainable.  You need to create an exit strategy- a timeline.  You are going to get blamed for her losing the house.  [our older siblings] are going to be upset with you.  she will lose the house, but she will be fine, Kris.  You can not stay there forever because of your fear.  You aren't worried about her.  You're scared of her reaction".  #truth

[Mooberry]

It is wonderful that you are able to have a close relationship with your siblings.  Sometimes, like with my brother and I, having a good relationship is not always possible.  I mean we do not fight, but we do not hang out or anything like that.  We do love and support each other though.  When we were little kids we would stand up for each other and were very protective of each other.  That changed when we hit tween and teens though, then it became every man for himself.  My mother used to play us against each other even as adults. 

Raising kids is like holding up a mirror to ourselves (or so I've read, I do not have kids!)  I do know several of my friends with kids have had to confront some tough emotional stuff of their own that comes up as they interact with their kids.  They said it can be very intense but they were willing to pause, step back and work on things.  Awareness is good, but it is not enough.  You have to be willing to work on things too.  It sounds like you are willing to do that. 

Harri,

I feel really blessed for 2 of my siblings who with out them- I probably wouldn't be here.  I really believe my brother sacrificed himself to protect me on a subconscious level.  We fought so bad with each other growing up.  I threatened to kill him multiple times... .I wish that was a joke.  At 10 I told him that I was going to stab him with a fork and kill him.  He kind of ridiculed me and made fun of me growing up, but I was the scapegoat.  As we got older is when he started to protect me- when I was a teenager.  My oldest sister is pretty disconnected at this point.  She is around, but keeps her distance from my mother.

[Harri]

Hi KrissyMoo.  I apologize for my delayed response.

My brother called me last night- "staying there isn't sustainable.  You need to create an exit strategy- a timeline.  You are going to get blamed for her losing the house.  [our older siblings] are going to be upset with you.  she will lose the house, but she will be fine, Kris.  You can not stay there forever because of your fear.  You aren't worried about her.  You're scared of her reaction". 

I too think your brother is correct.  I am not sure if you want to talk about it in this thread or keep this one focused on your memories but I do think it would be good to plan an exit strategy and address some of the fear surrounding her possible reaction to moving.  Is that something you want to talk about here?

[Woolspinner2000]

Eventually there came a time in my life when the memories weren't quite so dramatic and traumatic. I still have them, but as I processed through them, somewhere along the way they lost the sting. It wasn't overnight, don't get me wrong. Our brains do a lot of unloading. You're doing well, KrissyMoo

I also have cPTSD, and many of the other members do as well. Have you ever heard of Pete Walker and his work with cPTSD?

Hang in there!
 
Wools

[Mooberry]

Hi KrissyMoo.  I apologize for my delayed response.

I too think your brother is correct.  I am not sure if you want to talk about it in this thread or keep this one focused on your memories but I do think it would be good to plan an exit strategy and address some of the fear surrounding her possible reaction to moving.  Is that something you want to talk about here?

Yes.  This weekend really pushed me to a point that it is becoming more and more apparent.  If my husband isn't home it gets bad still.  She criticizes everything I do.  My daughter is highly sensitive, and tantrums constantly (we are going to send her to Occupational therapy, she's 3).  My mom just goes on and on and on about untrue statements about my parenting.  If my husband isn't there... .she makes stories about him being a bad father, a bad husband, that he's probably cheating on me.  It gets so bad.  I think it doesn't affect me, but then my husband comes home- and i take it out on him.  It's not fair to anyone.

How does anyone plan to leave?  Holy crap.  I get a panic attack thinking about it.  At 18 I left for college.  Best decision of my life.  I can tell you that my 20's I was functioning pretty well.  I had to move home after college.  Then I left when I got married for a year, and had to go back.  We've been there going on 4 years now (in Nov is 4 years).  The original plan was 5 years.  Leaving in a year seems overwhelming.

We are in a financial bind as well.  We only pay 1500 in rent in a very nice area.  We can't buy because where we live (even in the bad neighborhoods) is too much.  I self-sabotage leaving because I am afraid to leave.  I believe she's going to hurt herself, or let go of her health, or hate me because I will be blamed for her losing her house.  Our contribution of rent... .pays a lot of her mortgage, and my siblings give her money to make the rest of it.  If I leave, they will make me continue to contribute to her... .putting us in a financial and emotional catch 22.  Screwed if you do.  Screwed if you don't.

I need help with this, Harri- because I can't do it on my own.

[Mooberry]

Eventually there came a time in my life when the memories weren't quite so dramatic and traumatic. I still have them, but as I processed through them, somewhere along the way they lost the sting. It wasn't overnight, don't get me wrong. Our brains do a lot of unloading. You're doing well, KrissyMoo

I also have cPTSD, and many of the other members do as well. Have you ever heard of Pete Walker and his work with cPTSD?

Hang in there!
 
Wools

Hi Wools!

I really appreciate the support.  I haven't, but i will definitely look him up!

MooKrissy

[Mooberry]

5/16/2018
I was in high school, and we were driving in the car.  She was screaming at me, and I was hysterically screaming back and crying.  She was driving erratically (she was screaming after all).  A bird fell from the sky and hit our windshield.  We both started laughing.

5/16/2018
I think was about 8.  I had stuffed my pants full of stuffed animals and was rubbing myself on the stuffed animals- masturbating.  I remember getting in trouble, but I can't remember anything else.  I have a memory of walking down a dark hallway, and when I try to remember more I get physically ill (every time).  I know what happened, I just wish I knew who.  I feel angry that I wasn't protected.  I feel angry because I believe the perpetrator was the man who had raped my mom at 15.  Did she think it was all about her and therefore that I wasn't at risk?  She swears I never was around him, but I have memories of it.

5/16/2018
I remember that my mom would sit on the couch in her nightgown and put her hand under it and either pick at the area underneath the fold of fat on her stomach, or at her genitalia.  She'll deny it.  My oldest brother has always been extremely bothered by it, but I just thought it was a weird mom-ism.  I hope she wasn't masturbating, but who knows?

5/16/2018
My mom was lying in bed for days.  She would scream at how bad her head hurt.  She wouldn't come out of the room, but would demand we help her and bring things to her.  It seemed fake even as a kid.  I now know that she often does this with other health issues.  Minor issues are blown out of proportion while actual health problems are not taken care of (i.e. diabetes). 

Reflection on memories remembered:
I feel like a lot of what is surfacing today is related to not having been taken care of as a child.  In my life, there are a lot of times that I ask myself- where were they?  She was so caught up in herself that she failed to see the problems I was having.  I was doing very poorly in school.  I was getting bullied.  I had no friends.  She made me dress so that I wouldn't get attention.  If anything was "trendy" it was the devil incarnate.  So much coming out.  Maybe I'll write a book one day.

My brother called me last night- "staying there isn't sustainable.  You need to create an exit strategy- a timeline.  You are going to get blamed for her losing the house.  [our older siblings] are going to be upset with you.  she will lose the house, but she will be fine, Kris.  You can not stay there forever because of your fear.  You aren't worried about her.  You're scared of her reaction".  #truth

5/21/2018
I remember there was a big earthquake when I was little.  I think one where freeways fell ontop of each other.  I was probably 5 years old.  I was really scared for days and remember there being a lot of aftershock.  I remember having a nightmare, and getting in bed between my parents.  No body gave me a hug.  I just got yelled at because I was moving around too much.

My son gets in my bed every morning and watches a little show before i get up.  He lays his head down on my legs while I muster up the energy to get up.  I am confused as to why that was so hard for my mom.   

5/21/2018
I remember an adult memory.  I fell over a gate (the kind to keep your dog in a room), I literally flipped over it.  I thought I hurt my leg and I was screaming/crying.  My mom came in, and I had such a negative response to her.  I screamed for her to get away from me and not touch me.  My brother came to help, and I let him help me.  I remember screaming at the top of my lungs at my mother, ":)on't f*ckin touch me".  This bugs me.  I scream for someone to help, but anytime it's her that responds- i refuse her help.  I think it's because if she  helps me, then it's going to be used against me somehow or i will be blamed.  When i fell over the gate, I know she asked- "Well, what were you doing?  You should have just moved it". 

5/21/2018
Summers sucked.  I spent most of the time sitting and watching tv because she was petrified of me playing outside in the front or on my bike.  I would wait for school to start again.  I remember she would spend hours on the phone gossiping, ignoring us... .attention?  I don't think my mom ever enjoyed spending time with us.  I felt alone a lot. 

[Mooberry]

5/24/2018
I remember my mom hitting us... .and when we would block her from hitting us, she would say, "You're hurting me, you're hurting me".