How to start the healing process

[alphabeta]

I'm back on this message board after a 10 month hiatus.  During this time, I have been going to counseling with and without my mother, whom has BPD/npd traits.

The last counseling session with my mother ended with her storming out of the session -- this wasn't the first time such an event happened; however, it seemed like the last with this counselor.

Anyhow, we were discussing how we had been having a bad time in our relationship -- on account of a misunderstanding, my mother insulted me and said that I had ruined her vacation.  When I was asked to discuss the matter further, to resolve it, I told her that I was hesitant of talking to her due to her explosive behavior.  This led her to tell me that I was cold, cruel, and she threatened to contact child services because I was such a bad person.  I told her that I didn't want to continue the conversation, with the consequence that she told me that she felt like she was going to die, and that when she died, it would be all my fault.  Well, I recounted these events to the counselor, telling her that I felt bad about all the events that had ensued, and my mother was furious with me, because I had made her suffer and now I was blaming her in front of a third person.  This made her storm out of the session.

Fast forward two weeks later, and my mother and I had agreed to meet once a week to discuss our issues.  Because she did not seem to listen to me at the session, she asked me what was bothering me.  I told her that I felt manipulated after she threatened to take my child away from me, because she told me that if I would not confort her and neglect her (after threatening me), she was going to die.  She told me that while I not being manipulated by her, she was being manipulated by me and my wife (because we ignore her to the point of her wanted to commit suicide).

Nonetheless, for the first time in my life, I stood up for myself and told her that I was angry that she put the blame for her actions on me and my wife.  After five hours of telling her -- five hours were required because she interrupted me every minute -- that I think it would be best if we stop having an emotionally intimate relationship, I told her that I didn't want to speak with her for some time, because the conversation had digressed into talking about how arrogant I was (she would have to treat me higher than "God" because she couldn't make any mistakes in front of me).

Currently I am having mixed feelings.  On one hand I feel free to not have to cater to her emotional needs and watch what I say ("walking on eggshells" lest she rage or tell me she's going to die, yet on the other hand I feel sorry for her, because she lives on her own and doesn't have many friends -- she has been emotionally dependent on me for the past ten years.

What do others in my shoes (or similar shoes) recommend is my next step in my journey for achieving more emotional peace?

[Turkish]

In the short term,  anger would be an appropriate feeling to having someone threaten to sic the authorities on my to take my children.  Are you angry about that?

[alphabeta]

Yes, I am angry that my mother threatened to go to Child Services. 

This is the main reason I do not want to talk to her -- I tell her that I am angry at her and she, in turn, says that she is the one who should be angry at me and my wife for being so inconsiderate of her.

My mother said that I shouldn't be angry at her, because she has never actually carried out her threats.

This sort of logic really frustrates me, because if I ignore her threats, she claims that I think that she is crazy, which leads her to say that she is going to kill herself.  However, if all her threats are real, then I really should avoid her at any costs.

Right now, I don't feel like seeing or talking to my mother. 

I would like to learn what is the best way of coping with my guilt of not wanting to do so.

I am hoping that by overcoming my guilt, I may be able to have a limited relationship with my mother (instead of going NC).

Does anyone else have the experience of overcoming the guilt?

[lovelyj]

I don’t have much advice to give on getting rid of the guilt as I’m currently going through something similar where every time I try to break free from my mothers control I feel extreme guilt.

But I did want to say congrats on standing up to your mother. I think you telling her how you felt was great and that’s a great start for you. What she did say to you was so wrong, abusive, and manipulative. And it sounds like there was no reasoning with her no matter what you tried to say she brought the blame back to you.

I would say don’t give in to talking or seeing your mother until YOU want to. If at some point you feel in a good place to talk with her do so but on your terms. For me personally I try to see/talk with my mom when I feel emotionally well enough to do so and if she rages or becomes unreasonable I take myself out of the situation. That means actually physically getting away from her to shield myself from insults or verbal abuse.