First real step: knowing this has a name gives me hope

[BePresent]

Here goes nothing... .or everything?
Recently discovered my wife of 16 yrs has BPD.  She’s always had it, just didn’t know there was a name or diagnosis of sorts for it.  There’s been underlying issues for years, but always assumed it was somewhat normal.  Last few years have been going from bad to much worse.  Added outside stress from her career but I’m taking the blame for most everything.  The past few months have been extremely ugly and we are both on the verge of calling it quits.  I’m more vocal about my feelings than ever and it’s making her more volatile.  
She’s seen a therapist for years but I don’t think they discuss BPD directly.  She’s convinced me to go to my own for my “problems”, but my doc says I’m fine other than my staying in a damaging relationship.  (He’s the one who actually said she most likely had BPD based on all my comments)
Knowing there’s support out there for something w a real name gives me hope I can manage all this and we can both get better.  Just wanting to start the process... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi! 

Glad to have you with us, sorry to hear things have been so rough at home these last months!

So, now that you look back you see there were symptoms all along you just didn't know what it was? Have you read Stop Walking on Eggshells yet? A lot of folks here have read it and feel it speaks directly to them!

How are you feeling right now? Feel like trying out some new strategies that might make things better or at least not worse? What are you being blamed for? I guess there is a big list? How do you respond to the blame?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[BePresent]

Thanks for reaching out!
I have read Stop Walking On Eggshells on recommendation of my therapist.  The last time I saw him was a couple months ago when he finally flat out told me my wife had what sounded like BPD.  I told him I didn’t know what that was and he was shocked he hadn’t mentioned the name before or that she hadn’t already known since she was in therapy herself for ten plus years.  Either way, he said read that book.  I did and it immediately hit home.  I was pretty overcome at first since everything described was exactly what I was going through and feeling validated that I am not responsible for my wife’s actions or feelings.   there was so much out there and so many others in similar situations. 
Right now I’m feeling more desperate and a little overwhelmed.  I’m ready to start anything new, just don’t know where to begin.  The book is great, and so many others out there.  Not sure we are ready for couples therapy of any kind yet... .I’m getting blamed for everything.  Reassuring to know it’s projected and misdirected, but doesn’t keep it from hurting or from me reacting poorly.  I get very defensive which triggers her to blow up.  The blow ups themselves are getting much worse, hence the deapiration!

Thanks again... .

[pearlsw]

Hi BP,

There is a lot to read on this site that can deepen what you've read in the book. Here are few places to start if you like!

The Do’s and Don’ts of a BPD Relationship

SET

I think couple's therapy is not necessarily recommend. That can be tough on any couple, but I think it can be difficult for these kinds of relationships. But the good news is there is a lot that you can do just on your own to help learn how to, if not make things better, at least not make things worse we say!

Oh, you get defensive? Oh, then this is your tool, man! Don't JADE. I started using it early on. I memorized the letters asap so I could recall/use it when things were pretty extreme at home for me and it helped a lot! It's one of the best things ever!

How are you doing? What's hurting you the most in all of this?

Again, glad to have you with us! You are not alone! We understand how hard it is!  

with compassion, pearl.