Polyamourous Triad

[Ourhouse]

SO I don't know what I need or how I can start to move forward
I have been in a three people relationship for a year and a half now. We all live together and raise 3 kids. They were together before and have a lot of harsh history. She has BPD, he is the hurt wounded victim of the abuse. They have never dealt with it properly. Now we are all working together, but this last year has deeply wounded me. I can't/don't want to leave. He and I have the most amazing partnership. But we walk on eggshells. And I am losing patience and the motivation to try... .Looking for answers or hope or something  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi samanthaOrae,



Can you please tell us more about the symptoms of the partner that has BPD or BPD traits? And how the other two of you three handle this now?

Is this your first experience with a polyamorous relationship?

warmly, pearl. 

[Mutt]

Hi samanthaOrae,

Is the problem mostly between you and him? I sense that you’re not feeling supported in your post. Does he side with the pwBPD? What are the issues on the table?

[isilme]

Hello samanthaOrae,

Hope you're doing okay.  can you share anything more about specific about how BPD shows itself in your lives?  How old are the kids?  How does this affect the dynamic between the kids and the adults, and between the adults themselves?

[Ourhouse]

Thanks for the replies
Obviously everything is very complicated but the majority of the issues comes from the tension & hostility pwBPD creates.
I have two boys, 7 & 10. She has an 11yr old daughter. With different shared custody arrangements, our house ranges from any combination of 2-6 people week to week. pwBPD is definitely causing a lot of emotional stress on her daughter, but mostly been able to shelter my boys from it.
Her symptoms range but always stem from insecurities, feeling unworthy & abandonment.  We both put in so much effort to show that we care, love & support her but it always gets turned around to how we don't love her enough, we think shes stupid, we don't want her around, etc... and everything is our fault. Always. She is always making really hurtful passive aggressive comments, especially towards him, and her therapist suggested that we try to help by pointing out the passive aggressive comments. So now it has become my fault because I don't point it out when she does it so "how can she get better" ... .and it's just non stop, I always feel like I have done something wrong. I always feel guilty that I could have done something better. I am always hiding/sugar coating/managing the situation so we don't have huge explosions. And its exhausting.
She says she misses us and wants to spend more time together but then avoids home as much as possible and then complains we do that on purpose to push her away.  When we are together its goes from 0 to 100 back to 0 again with her mood. Tiniest thing sets her off and turns into a giant fight.
I just don't know where to get more energy from to keep trying. Everything I read for advice feels exhausting as it suggests so much more effort on my behalf. 
Any suggestions, advice or thoughts would be much appreciated 
Thank you 

[pearlsw]

Hi again! 

Glad to see you back and talking with us! And thanks to all joining us here and lending support!

I am not sure how much you have or have not read so far but these are good starters:

The Do’s and Don’ts of a BPD Relationship

SET

Yes, it can be a lot of work and will take a lot of adjusting. It basically does boil down to effort on your part. The more consistent and clear you can be with the better your chances to at least not make things worse.

Well, at least she does have a therapist, though I guess she can even twist that around a bit.

I walked into my situation thinking I knew how to properly communicate in a relationship. Long story short, I was dead wrong. I had to toss all I knew and restart, and it still takes effort. My idea was just to place a high value on my own learning, it least it made me less confused, and see this as an opportunity to learn instead of a burden. That is not to say I want to do this forever, but I don’t want to be resentful and the only way not to be is to not to be. Again, tall order and maybe just my thing - for now.

How many of the BPD traits does she have? Some? All?

with compassion, pearl.

[Ourhouse]

Thank you for the links, will be spending time with these this week for sure! I am very new to this and haven't done as much research up until now, very much so went into everything with the "I can totally handle this" attitude. Which I have been humbly punched in the face with now... .silly me 

She has all of the traits. When reading up on the description of the disorder, I could have sworn they were just talking about her, down the every little detail... .

I guess I am just trying to come to terms with the whole life and the idea of this being forever. I can't give up because I can't/won't leave him... .so I am kind of staying in the situation for reasons most people wouldn't understand. SO hoping the research and heavy learning approach can help a bit!

Thank you again for your response and the links! Really appreciate it!   

[pearlsw]

Thank you for the links, will be spending time with these this week for sure! I am very new to this and haven't done as much research up until now, very much so went into everything with the "I can totally handle this" attitude. Which I have been humbly punched in the face with now... .silly me  

I feel exactly the same way! hahaaha. You made me laugh!

She has all of the traits.

 

I guess I am just trying to come to terms with the whole life and the idea of this being forever. I can't give up because I can't/won't leave him... .so I am kind of staying in the situation for reasons most people wouldn't understand. SO hoping the research and heavy learning approach can help a bit!

I hear ya! We’re right here with you! It makes me nervous to imagine a lifetime of this…it is so unpredictable and hard to know what is acceptable and what isn’t. Being forgiving and understanding feels like my downfall some days…

The research will help a lot! Ask all the questions and share your struggles. We’ll helpsupport you, you can help support us!

Thank you again for your response and the links! Really appreciate it!    

     back atcha!  

~pearl.