Anyone experience a problem with their BPD/NPD relative "lingering"?

[Pilpel]

MY NPD relative never knows when it's time to go home.  I think that has to do with the lack of empathy and an inability to see the needs of those around her.  We've actually talked to her about this before, and when planning larger family gatherings we've tried to drop a big hint by requesting everyone observe an end time.  And while everyone else observes the end time, she still won't.  She seems clueless that people around her are tired, or that if she and her family are invited for a lunch that the hosts are not prepared to serve and continue to entertain through dinner.  We just had her and her family over for Easter.  All the other guests left by 6pm.  And at that time my husband had to retreat to his office to prepare for work the next day.  And she still lingers, wanting to talk at me about things that are on her mind (things she talks about all the time), then she wants to go for a walk, then she wants to count out easter eggs to take back home with her.  I realize that if this were a good relationship, where we really got along and I felt energized being around her, I probably wouldn't mind the lingering.  But it's draining being around her.  I feel talked at most of the time.  I don't feel like I can be myself around her.  I don't feel like I can say what I want to say because she gets so easily offended. 

Anyone else experience this?  Anyone have any good hints on how to politely but clearly drop a hint to the NPD that it's time to go home? 

[Harri]

Hi Pipel.  How frustrating!  I ran into this with my mother sometimes.  Being direct was the only way that worked for me.  And yes, she got upset.  That's on her. 

I understand not wanting to offend her, but I also don't see anything wrong with stating, directly, 'Hey mom, it was great having you over and I am glad you came.  We are tired though and have had a long day so why don't we say goodbye.  We will see each other next time.'  Offer to bag up her easter eggs for example and then prod her along to the door.

I am not sure how you can avoid offending her and if she gets offended than she gets offended.  You, however, will have time to clean, relax, spend time with husband, etc.  I am not saying to be rude but I also don't think hinting is going to work.  Some people, myself included, often don't get subtle. 

I will be interested to hear suggestions from other people.  Let's see what else we can come up with.

[Mutt]

I don’t think that it’s from a lack of empathy and I can understand the frustration I think it’s lack of interpersonal r/s skills,  it picking up the non verbal queues. I agree with Harri communicate, you might have to say it a few times but eventually she should understand.

[Fie]

Hello Pipel  

MY NPD relative never knows when it's time to go home.  

Ever thought about the possibility that she perfectly knows when it's time to go home, but just doesn't feel like going ? And also doesn't care if she bothers you, or not ?

My grandmother (BPD) mentioned once that she knew she talked a lot and she bothers people with it, but she just wants to do it anyway. I never really read a lot into it at that point, but knowing what  I know now about BPD and NPD, I realize it's a lack of consideration for others and their boundaries. (and believe me, my grandmother was right, she does talk too much  

It's just not a nice thing to do, period. If you notice people go home after dinner, and you see people retreating in their office to work, it's time to go home too, period. Maybe you can miss the whole point once, but everytime ... .I think she perfectly knows, and couldn't care less about how you feel about that.

My daughter has a friend who's parents are like that. I used to not dear to say something. Until I realized they probably knew they were overstaying their welcome. Especially the dad was annoying, moreover when his wife was not there (I am single).  So I just told them : sorry, time to go now ... I have things to do. Yes, that literally. Some people just don't understand otherwise (or they pretend to not understand more likely). And no, I'm not a rude person  

[alphabeta]

Hello Pilpel,

I share your experience.

My mother will hang around as much as possible -- in the past, she used to sleep over at my house 2-3 days a week (usually during the weekend).  If I mentioned that I wanted a little time to spend with my son and wife, she would say, "but we have such a great time together" or "you already see your wife and son during the week." 

The irony is that she says that she doesn't trust my wife and has gone so far to call her a sociopath.

Anyhow, the times I have hinted that she should go home haven't gone so well for me. 

On one occasion, after I had told her that I was feeling uncertain about our relationship on the previous day, she came over to my home to give my son a present (it was a Hanukah).  I then suggested that we could go out to eat, and everyone agreed.  I suggested that we go to a place halfway between my house and hers -- so that she could return home in a timely manner. 

When she realized this, she screamed at me for being so insensitive and cruel to make her drive to my house and then back to her house on a weekday -- instead of having her sleep over.  She refused to eat dinner with us and went straight home.  When we returned from eating, she called me to blame me again and then hung up on me.  After three iterations of this, I finally stopped picking up the phone.  This prompted her to call us repeatedly (probably 20 times) until we disconnected or turned off our phones.  Ultimately, she drove back to our house to scold me and my wife for being so insensitive and to tell her how miserable we made her feel.

Nonetheless, I have been walking on eggshells since that occurred and try to meet in a public place whenever I see her.