Traumatized by the Break Up and Crazy Making Before It

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Hello,

I am reaching out for support and guidance during this healing phase.  Its been 3 weeks and I am having difficulty alleviating the emotions and pain behind the relationship.  I am a grown woman, 57 years old, and this man swooped in and said I was his one and only, and we were planning retirement in our golden years together.  He is a recovering Alcoholic and is very active in his AA groups.  He has many friends in the program who love him, and he does a lot service work helping others.  He comes off as a beautiful soul, but outwardly a bit narccisistic.   Needless to say, the crazy making began once I let him into my life, which was very fast (a mistake on my part in hindsight). We had been together for about 6 months when the Devaluation phase began. (or so I think).  We had one break up at month 8, but quickly picked up and resumed.  This time, he gave the send-off. 

I did not know he had BPD until I started researching and found the answers I needed. 

Anyone have tips on why I am having such a hard time and what it takes to forget my BPD "true love"?  My friends and family don't understand why I am struggling so badly, as it has stirred anxiety and panic in me (not old fashioned heartache).  It has crushed me to my core and I am having a hard time figuring out why. I have read that these are unique heartbreaks because of the emeshment.   I am working as hard as I can to get myself well, support groups for Al-Anon, and seeking counseling. 

Thank you for your suggestions!

[ShesThe1OKC]

Hello,

I am reaching out for support and guidance during this healing phase.  Its been 3 weeks and I am having difficulty alleviating the emotions and pain behind the relationship.  I am a grown woman, 57 years old, and this man swooped in and said I was his one and only, and we were planning retirement in our golden years together.  He is a recovering Alcoholic and is very active in his AA groups.  He has many friends in the program who love him, and he does a lot service work helping others.  He comes off as a beautiful soul, but outwardly a bit narccisistic.   Needless to say, the crazy making began once I let him into my life, which was very fast (a mistake on my part in hindsight). We had been together for about 6 months when the Devaluation phase began. (or so I think).  We had one break up at month 8, but quickly picked up and resumed.  This time, he gave the send-off. 

I did not know he had BPD until I started researching and found the answers I needed. 

Anyone have tips on why I am having such a hard time and what it takes to forget my BPD "true love"?  My friends and family don't understand why I am struggling so badly, as it has stirred anxiety and panic in me (not old fashioned heartache).  It has crushed me to my core and I am having a hard time figuring out why. I have read that these are unique heartbreaks because of the emeshment.   I am working as hard as I can to get myself well, support groups for Al-Anon, and seeking counseling. 

Thank you for your suggestions!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey ShesThe10KC, Welcome!  You have taken a good first step just by posting here.  It's only been three weeks since your b/u, so I suggest that you be kind and compassionate with yourself.  Everyone heals at his/her own pace, so don't beat yourself up!  Most of us Nons were totally unprepared for a BPD r/s.  It's hard for others to understand because BPD is so far out of the realm of experience for most folks.  That's OK, because we get it.

The place to start, I suggest, is with yourself, by returning the focus to you and your needs.  Many of us have been down this road before you, so you are not alone.

LuckyJim

[pearlsw]

Hi ShesThe10KC,

I am sorry you are feeling so bad! Three weeks seems like a very short amount of time to me to heal after a breakup. Don't push too hard to get over it. It will happen as it does, but you can do things to make it more smooth for yourself like talking with us here.

It's funny, I've had many breakups over the years, and each was hard, but the sudden one with my ex with BPD traits many years ago was particularly painful. I was just so shocked by how quick and inexplicable it was. I never got any closure. I would say it took a full three years to let go and we only dated 13 months and didn't even live together! Sometimes it's just more painful.

I get it. I had my heart set on this relationship when it started. I agonized with every break up threat. When I think of how many times I've begged him not to do that anymore... .and he did... .it is just too much. I think when/if we break up I will be ready for the release from the ongoing pain/crisis I've had to deal with. It will actually go faster in terms of healing I think because my heart has already been broken and I have never had a sense of a real future with him.

What are the parts of the breakup that are hitting you the hardest?

with compassion, pearl.

[uni_all]

Anyone have tips on why I am having such a hard time and what it takes to forget my BPD "true love"?

I have only started with this online support group in the last few weeks, though it is clearly helping!

Brief suggestions: staying busy, walking, biking, being out in Nature (I personally find this provides some sense of Peace), reading here on BPD Family about possible outcomes to a non if they had stayed... .

I would suggest and encourage you to stay NC or, at least, LC - low contact, as best as you can. In my experience, and from what I have read, the pwBPD usually will contact their non again.

Maybe sharing my experience will help you determine how to proceed in some way:

We have had over 4 years of recycling, and no, being in a relationship with someone with so many traits of BPD is not healthy.

During the first year: OK with NC. we could part ways for a while (a few weeks typically) and, again, I did OK with NC.

Around 2 years: Addicted to her. I really became enmeshed with her emotionally and mentally. During NC, I would miss her tremendously, I could not stop thinking about her and us. I confided in my best friend that I was really "addicted" to her and would do anything to try to "fix" us and have us work out.

Around 3 years: Constant mental churn and obsession about her. I have a 24/7 "background" obsession of thoughts about her, it does not stop and it affects my ability to think and live my life. Even just a few texts or phone calls from her will set this off. I do not even have to see her.

For me, every time we "recycled", I became more enmeshed, more addicted, and more obsessed with her.

Hope my sharing this with you helps you determine how to proceed.

You will figure out what to do. Reading other's experiences has helped me tremendously! I am certain they will help you, as well.