Anyone have tips on why I am having such a hard time and what it takes to forget my BPD "true love"?
I have only started with this online support group in the last few weeks, though it is clearly helping!
Brief suggestions: staying busy, walking, biking, being out in Nature (I personally find this provides some sense of Peace), reading here on BPD Family about possible outcomes to a non if they had stayed... .
I would suggest and encourage you to stay NC or, at least, LC - low contact, as best as you can. In my experience, and from what I have read, the pwBPD usually will contact their non again.
Maybe sharing my experience will help you determine how to proceed in some way:
We have had over 4 years of recycling, and no, being in a relationship with someone with so many traits of BPD is not healthy.
During the first year: OK with NC. we could part ways for a while (a few weeks typically) and, again, I did OK with NC.
Around 2 years: Addicted to her. I really became enmeshed with her emotionally and mentally. During NC, I would miss her tremendously, I could not stop thinking about her and us. I confided in my best friend that I was really "addicted" to her and would do anything to try to "fix" us and have us work out.
Around 3 years: Constant mental churn and obsession about her. I have a 24/7 "background" obsession of thoughts about her, it does not stop and it affects my ability to think and live my life. Even just a few texts or phone calls from her will set this off. I do not even have to see her.
For me, every time we "recycled", I became more enmeshed, more addicted, and more obsessed with her.
Hope my sharing this with you helps you determine how to proceed.
You will figure out what to do. Reading other's experiences has helped me tremendously! I am certain they will help you, as well.