The Double Standard

[pav_bhaji_bun]

My SO and I decided to start on a new script for both of us. Before this, she would rage at me for hours about how our relationship started - I was seeing other women at the same time, I thought she knew, she didn't. I totally understand her hatred towards me, but I didn't understand her desire to have me near as well. But that wasn't the only topic that would bring blood-boiling rage and tears and hours of talking:
- I bought a soy-milk making machine, she didn't like that I did
- I forgot to delete my social media account which had a picture of my ex on it
- I didn't change my social media picture to include her - something I told her I felt strongly about not doing

The list goes on - I legitimately made a lot of mistakes and my SO has reason to be upset, but the reaction was so overwhelming in response - threatening to report me to my manager at work for sexual harassment, threatening to get me kicked out of the country, threatening to humiliate me in front of all of our friends, in addition to swearing at me, calling me a sexual predator, etc. etc.

We hit the reset button on our relationship after all of this and starting from mid-February we decided to do something new. Since then, the number of conflicts have been a lot fewer, but we are still very much in the negative as far as relationship bank account is concerned (at least according to me):
- SO bought me a box of strawberries, I ate all of them. SO came back and seemed fine with it, then when we went to go get dinner, a bunch of places were closing, which led to us going to this Chinese restaurant. SO then piles on me about the privilege I have in my life (not wrong), the fact that I acted like a kid by eating strawberries (also not wrong) and in the middle of the restaurant, berates me for quite some time about how I can't be relied on to provide. I wish I had enough memory to remember all the reasons why I was so upset by this exchange!

The other day, SO literally took food out of my plate to give to someone else (an older relative of mine)! Talk about providing... .

- SO bumped a finger in a door, it looked bad, but seemed like it would dissipate in a day or two (didn't look like a fracture). I didn't call the next day - partially because I was tired of babying her and partially because I just didn't think it was that big of a deal. That evening, she berates me in public again, walks away, says that I don't care about her, all of that jazz.

The other day, I was going into surgery and SO neither inquired what time it was, nor sent me a message in time to say good luck - despite the fact that I sent a good morning message and she read it!

The double standard is so silly! How do I counter it? I often find myself having to couch my feelings in very, very, very soft terms when I am burning up inside and hurting.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SlyQQ]

Don't let it bother you, it is what it is.

? is form her view point the standards are different, don't expect consistency thats crazy

[pearlsw]

Hi pav_bhaji-bun,

That sounds tough! First I'd like to say these things you did barely sound like mistakes to me. I swear, it feels like sometimes people just get together to nitpick the other one to death and completely miss the big picture. Sigh.

Do you live together? Share expenses? Are you allowed no personal pleasures in life? I have no idea what that soy milk machine is, but I know it is not worth a rage about.

You might get some mileage out of the tools here. It could help with just dealing with the emotions and having a better chance to say things that might detour horrible discussions.

SET

Validation

Keep in mind, we all have reasons to be upset, but this is part of personality disorder to react in such extreme, over the top, unproductive ways. The thing to keep an eye on too is when this spills over into being abuse.

Please don't let her distortions separate you from reality and good judgement about yourself and the situation.

Sorry she didn't offer much support while you were having medical issues. 

I have spent years trying to get my SO to just say please or thank you without being reminded, to not interrupt me while I am working, and not repeatedly breaking that promise not to do so. In my case he is impulsive and thinks of himself first. I give him credit and a lot of praise for the parts he does well. It's not easy. I am afraid the double standard may be a feature, not a bug, but you can try bit by bit to counter it. I think sometimes by just stating what you want, not guilt tripping, but just stating needs, the other person could be willing to try to meet some of them. I hear all the time how he is willing to meet my needs, but he is just not so consistent or perceptive in recognizing them.

Did you have other support around your surgery? Others who can fill in some of the lacking emotional support?

with compassion, pearl.

[pav_bhaji_bun]

We don't live together yet, nor do we share expenses, we have gotten better at spending time apart (we live about 30 mins away from each other), but we had a tiff last night and that was triggered at least partially by the fact that she missed me and she didn't feel like I missed her. I pointed out that we last met some 2 days before and I was convalescing after my surgery while also trying to get back on work stuff during that time, but she didn't appreciate the mention of time.

I could tell she was really hating on herself for missing me, and was doubly hurting because I didn't miss her as much, which is true! I was feeling pretty socially exhausted because my parents are staying with me right now (who did offer me support as I recovered the past few days). She did feel really bad that she didn't send me a supportive message or call before my surgery, but at the same time she also made the recovery a bit more difficult by just adding additional stress to an already stressful situation.

I often try to validate her feelings - they often come from a very real and rational place, but as you said, the expression sometimes gets way beyond what I think is appropriate.

[pearlsw]

Hi pav_bhaji_bun,

Oh yes! It sounds like doing some validation and avoiding JADE-ing could potentially help here! Instead of jumping right into a counter point, in effect "arguing" back, it is good to address the feelings. "I hear that you miss me. I miss you too. Let's find a time to see each other!" It is not easy, I never realized how much I was skipping over my SO's feelings when they did not match up with how I saw a situation! It takes some discipline and effort... .and although the results aren't guaranteed I always feel better when I try to communicate at my best!

take care, pearl.