Hypervigilance

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Long story short, my ex-h (uBPD\NPD) was verbally and emotionally abusive for years. When I started the divorce process, he started to become violent. We've now been divorced for a couple of years. I was diagnosed a few years ago as having PTSD from being in abusive relationships my entire life. I've been seeing a trauma therapist ever since. After the divorce, his emotional and verbal abuse continued in his writings to me. I try to co-parent with him which is extremely difficult more often than not. That's why I can't 100% ignore his writings.

Before, during, and after the divorce I would find myself looking for his car pretty much every time I went somewhere by myself, worried he would try to do or say something awful. My therapist told me that's called hypervigilance and is part of having PTSD. So I try to not go anywhere by myself if I can help it.

Not long ago, I found out he had changed jobs. He didn't tell me. Granted, he's not required to in our agreement. I found out when I saw him on the opposite side of town from his last known job several days in a row on my way to work. Eventually he admitted in writing that he had changed jobs but refused to tell me where because it was "none of my business". I dropped the subject even though I wondered about it because if he got a substantial increase in salary then he would owe me more child support. As it stands now, I pay him a good sized alimony and he gets a small credit for child support. I pay for 100% of the children's care.  I decided to leave it alone because he was finally being quiet for once and not berating or yelling at me for this and that.

Lately I found myself searching the Internet for clues as to where he may be working. I haven't found anything. The thing is I had to stop myself and ask myself why I was doing it. It felt almost obsessive. I had to think about it for a while. I realize that I feel safer when I know where he's at. He also recently moved and wasn't going to tell me where. When I found out from the kids that he had moved and I didn't know where to, my anxiety shot through the roof. He finally gave me his new address writing that he only gave it because he's required to by law otherwise he wouldn't have.

In realizing that I think I'm being hypervigilant again, I don't know how to stop other than to talk with my therapist about it. I'm also trying to figure out why I'm afraid of running into him other than the fairly obvious - that he may say or do something awful to me and it may trigger me and so on.

In reality, if there were people around, chances are he would leave me alone and leave the area as quickly as possible. He does this at school events. If I'm in the room, he leaves immediately. If he sees me driving, he drives off as fast as he possibly can and has even run some red lights. I have a plan that if I run into him somewhere and there's no one around, that I need to try to leave the area as fast as I can and to make sure I have my phone with me so I can record any interaction if he does try to force one. The best thing I can do is to walk away and not engage with him if at all possible especially when no one is around.

In the last year, he has been claiming that I abused him all this time (around 20 years) and that he's afraid of me. That he has extreme anxiety even thinking about me or writing to me. He is much taller and larger than I am and there are several police reports from other people due to his aggressiveness. I have quite a bit of documented proof of his abuse including police reports. It feels like I'm in bizarro world when he claims that he's the victim. I've read that abusers will try to turn the tables on their victims by claiming they were abused all this time when it's not true. Reading about it and living it seem like two very different things.

He seems to have all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking which explains a lot. It's likely that in his reality, only one of us could be abusive and he can't even fathom the possibility that it could be him or that maybe we're both toxic to each other. From what I know of him and his past, I'm guessing he probably can't even consider the possibility probably due to deep feelings of shame. I've lost track of the number of times he's vehemently claimed that I'm NPD. My therapist assures me often that I'm not NPD. If anything, I have a healthy level of narcissism that's needed to not be a doormat. He's tried to rewrite my own personal history of what happened before I met him including what my father was like. My father died when I was a teen. He never met him.

I think I'm trying to reconcile the abusive person I've known him to be for years with this new version who tries to act like a beaten puppy after he verbally and emotionally smacks the crap out of me with no provocation on my part. Ever since I stopped managing his emotions, it seems he's gone off the deep end, so to speak. Maybe he has in some ways. I'm guessing he isn't able to manage his own emotions and is looking for someone else to do it for him such as me. When I refuse to do so, he lashes out at me. It feels really surreal and confusing as hell. Maybe it's something I won't be able to wrap my head around. On a positive note, I've gotten a lot better at responding only if it's about the kids and using methods like BIFF and grey rock. I'm also learning about trauma bonding via my therapist.

I appreciate any thoughts on this.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Long story short, my ex-h (uBPD\NPD) was verbally and emotionally abusive for years. When I started the divorce process, he started to become violent. We've now been divorced for a couple of years. I was diagnosed a few years ago as having PTSD from being in abusive relationships my entire life. I've been seeing a trauma therapist ever since. After the divorce, his emotional and verbal abuse continued in his writings to me. I try to co-parent with him which is extremely difficult more often than not. That's why I can't 100% ignore his writings.

Before, during, and after the divorce I would find myself looking for his car pretty much every time I went somewhere by myself, worried he would try to do or say something awful. My therapist told me that's called hypervigilance and is part of having PTSD. So I try to not go anywhere by myself if I can help it.

Not long ago, I found out he had changed jobs. He didn't tell me. Granted, he's not required to in our agreement. I found out when I saw him on the opposite side of town from his last known job several days in a row on my way to work. Eventually he admitted in writing that he had changed jobs but refused to tell me where because it was "none of my business". I dropped the subject even though I wondered about it because if he got a substantial increase in salary then he would owe me more child support. As it stands now, I pay him a good sized alimony and he gets a small credit for child support. I pay for 100% of the children's care.  I decided to leave it alone because he was finally being quiet for once and not berating or yelling at me for this and that.

Lately I found myself searching the Internet for clues as to where he may be working. I haven't found anything. The thing is I had to stop myself and ask myself why I was doing it. It felt almost obsessive. I had to think about it for a while. I realize that I feel safer when I know where he's at. He also recently moved and wasn't going to tell me where. When I found out from the kids that he had moved and I didn't know where to, my anxiety shot through the roof. He finally gave me his new address writing that he only gave it because he's required to by law otherwise he wouldn't have.

In realizing that I think I'm being hypervigilant again, I don't know how to stop other than to talk with my therapist about it. I'm also trying to figure out why I'm afraid of running into him other than the fairly obvious - that he may say or do something awful to me and it may trigger me and so on.

In reality, if there were people around, chances are he would leave me alone and leave the area as quickly as possible. He does this at school events. If I'm in the room, he leaves immediately. If he sees me driving, he drives off as fast as he possibly can and has even run some red lights. I have a plan that if I run into him somewhere and there's no one around, that I need to try to leave the area as fast as I can and to make sure I have my phone with me so I can record any interaction if he does try to force one. The best thing I can do is to walk away and not engage with him if at all possible especially when no one is around.

In the last year, he has been claiming that I abused him all this time (around 20 years) and that he's afraid of me. That he has extreme anxiety even thinking about me or writing to me. He is much taller and larger than I am and there are several police reports from other people due to his aggressiveness. I have quite a bit of documented proof of his abuse including police reports. It feels like I'm in bizarro world when he claims that he's the victim. I've read that abusers will try to turn the tables on their victims by claiming they were abused all this time when it's not true. Reading about it and living it seem like two very different things.

He seems to have all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking which explains a lot. It's likely that in his reality, only one of us could be abusive and he can't even fathom the possibility that it could be him or that maybe we're both toxic to each other. From what I know of him and his past, I'm guessing he probably can't even consider the possibility probably due to deep feelings of shame. I've lost track of the number of times he's vehemently claimed that I'm NPD. My therapist assures me often that I'm not NPD. If anything, I have a healthy level of narcissism that's needed to not be a doormat. He's tried to rewrite my own personal history of what happened before I met him including what my father was like. My father died when I was a teen. He never met him.

I think I'm trying to reconcile the abusive person I've known him to be for years with this new version who tries to act like a beaten puppy after he verbally and emotionally smacks the crap out of me with no provocation on my part. Ever since I stopped managing his emotions, it seems he's gone off the deep end, so to speak. Maybe he has in some ways. I'm guessing he isn't able to manage his own emotions and is looking for someone else to do it for him such as me. When I refuse to do so, he lashes out at me. It feels really surreal and confusing as hell. Maybe it's something I won't be able to wrap my head around. On a positive note, I've gotten a lot better at responding only if it's about the kids and using methods like BIFF and grey rock. I'm also learning about trauma bonding via my therapist.

I appreciate any thoughts on this.

[Mutt]

Hi I_Am_The_Fire,

Im sorry to hear that your experiencing hyper vigilance it makes you feel keyed up and in red alert. You may find that the symptoms will get better with more time behind you. Have you tried mindfulness, did your T give you coping strategies?

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Thanks! I haven't talked with her about it yet. There have usually been more pressing issues to address. I'll see her this week. So I'll ask her about what I can do.

[Mutt]

Thanks! I haven't talked with her about it yet. There have usually been more pressing issues to address. I'll see her this week. So I'll ask her about what I can do.

Good I_Am_The_Fire.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I had a really good EMDR session with my therapist. It was very helpful and enlightening. I have a feeling that my hypervigilance goes much further back and deeper than what I experienced with my ex.

In relation to my ex, my hypervigilance comes from years of walking on eggshells around him, especially right before, during, and after our divorce. His verbal and emotional abuse got really bad by the time I filed for divorce. After filing, he came closer to being physically abusive. Before he moved out per the temporary orders, I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know what he would say or do. I felt completely lost and scared because he was behaving in a way that I had never seen him do before even during our twenty year marriage. He even re-traumatized me at one point and my therapist would't let me do EMDR sessions for a couple of weeks because I had been extremely traumatized by him. I was  triggered for weeks. At the time I did not know I had triggered deep abandonment issues in him which explains his rages. That and I had stopped managing his emotions. I had no idea he was probably BPD either until the divorce. It's all making much more sense now.

So it's going to take more EMDR sessions and more time for me to heal and for me to let go of the feeling of having to know where he's at to feel safe. I also realized in my session that this is all tied into why I hate surprises. I did not know that hating surprises is part of having PTSD. It makes sense, though. I've hated surprises for many years. I grew up with an NPD father. My mother was co-dependent, as am I. My first BF possibly had anti-social personality disorder based on his behaviors. From there I unknowingly dated overt NPDs. Their abuse was verbal and emotional. When they started to get physically abusive, I left them. My ex was more of a covert NPD which is why it took me many years and a good therapist to see it. I had to get a restraining order against an ex due to verbal/physical harrassment, threats of killing my family, and stalking. All of this (and more) explains why I hate suprises and am hypervigilant at times.

This is something that will take time for me to heal from. I'm in my 40s and have a lifetime of abuse to overcome. It won't happen overnight but I will get there. I need to be patient with myself.  I felt some relief after my session. The pieces of the puzzle are coming together.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Fire,

I am stunned at how much your story sounds like my own regards past relationships (and I too am hyper vigilant).  We're around the same age as well.
 I also can totally relate to feeling unsafe by not knowing where your ex is.  I have no idea where my BPDex is and it is unnerving.  Like you I've rationalised it yet the hyper vigilance persists.  I still have specific triggers and flashbacks too.  How long have you had these trauma symptoms now?   

It's wonderful that you have a therapist who is supporting you through this.  How are you finding the EMDR?  Has the T made any recommendations for actions you can take between sessions? 

It also sounds like you're doing a good job of managing your communication with your ex by using BIFF, which I find really helpful with my son's NPD trait father.  We parallel parent now, which I find less stressful all round.

So glad that your session went well and the puzzle is beginning to take shape for you.   Keep us posted on how you're doing.

Love and light x   

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Hi Harley,

I am sorry to hear you experience this as well. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's fascinating, in a way, how similar many of our stories are here.

Based on what my T and I discovered, I've probably had PTSD most of my life due to all of the abuse which started when I was a toddler. The symptoms probably flared up from time to time when I became triggered over the years but I didn't realize it until recently. I had emotionally shutdown through most of it. In thinking back, I've probably had hypervigilance periodically for many years depending on what happened in my life. Before I met my now ex (twenty some years ago), I had broken up with someone who ended up stalking and harrassing me. I ended up getting a restraining order ono him and was hypervigilent from that. During my marriage, I wasn't hypervigilant until the year leading up to the divorce and ever since then. It's been a couple of years now since the divorce. The hypervigilance seems to flare up periodically but I'm not quite sure what triggers it yet other than when I'm out and about somewhere by myself. I need to keep better track of what's going on when I do get triggered.

I truly believe EMDR has saved my life. After my last session, I felt immensely better. I think it's the tip of the iceburg when it comes to hypervigilance but it's a start. When I do EMDR, I normally go back to when I was a child. This last time was the first time I went back only two years. Two years ago was the culmination of the divorce and his abuse intensified by quite a bit. His abuse had gotten so bad I felt more suicidal than I had in many years. It probably sounds cliche, but I felt I was living a nightmare. I felt I would never be able to get away from him and his abuse would never stop. So during this last session, I processed through a "summary" of his abusive behavior during that time and it made complete sense why I'm hypervigilant still. I have a lot more processing and healing to go through, though.

For between sessions, I'm doing self-soothing techniques which really help. I do slow leg taps/pats to emulate EMDR and sometimes butterfly hugs. I like doing the leg taps because I can rock back and forth a bit as if I'm listening to music and I don't feel self-consious doing so in public. I also remind myself that if he saw me in public, it's likely he won't start anything and would just ignore me and leave the area abruptly. I think it's going to take time and more sessions for me to get through it, though. I also work on calm slow breathing. She suggested brief periods of mediation as well.

Part of what triggers me could also be my kids, especially my oldest. She's 12. She does and says things that reminds me of her father and I tend to get triggered at times. So when she's around, I have to pay closer attention to how I feel and why as well as put up "shields" to protect myself. She's not abusive like he is but she sounds like him in several of ways and it sucks. For example, when she tells me I "should" do/think/feel something based on her opinion (especially when I didn't ask for it), I tend to get riled up and have to calm myself and talk to her about why that's not a good thing to say to people, especially when they didn't ask for your opinion. It reminds me of when her father would tell me how I should feel/think about something and then berate me for not feeling/thinking what he thinks. So I'm working on that as well.

I've found that parallel parenting works much better than trying to co-parent with NPD. I'm glad to hear it works for you as well.

Are you doing EMDR or seeing a T for your hypervigilance? Is there anything that you do that helps you through it?

Take care

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Fire,

I'm really only at the start of my therapy journey (although I've also been seeing a counsellor for about 6 months) and have a lifetime to unravel as well.  Ironically I also have a restraining order on a past ex bf.  Although I am sure there are many more in our collective membership with abusive pasts, and this surely indicates it's good that we're in therapy... .I'm sorry that you've had such drama in your life.  It's saddening to think that others have experienced the sort of things I have.  

Currently as a first step my therapist is trying to cut to the heart of my issues by working on a CBT approach to low self esteem which has brought up a great deal of my past so it's quite overwhelming yet strangely comforting too.  To allow myself to face things and begin to unpick what has shaped my relationship history is something I've needed for a long time and I feel like I'm finally going to take control of how the future looks.  Good on you for doing the same.  I will speak to my T about EMDR as a possible future part of my therapy, as it does sound very helpful.  Thanks for sharing about this.  Keeping track of your triggers is also a great idea.  I do find that some things come up randomly and others I can rely upon to put me on edge.  :)o you plan to keep a journal of what affects you?

I can completely relate to your being triggered by your daughter.  My S4 is transforming before my eyes to have the 'streak' I always attributed to his father.  It makes me very anxious and I'm glad you reminded me about being aware of what is happening when this comes up.  It's difficult that I've finally gotten a handle on keeping myself emotionally safe from his father and now it seems I may continue to be exposed to the behaviour that gets under my skin.  Fingers crossed all the hard work I'm putting in to stop this in it's tracks (and the huge stack of books I've bought to help me with that process) will pay off and I can stop history repeating.  It has to be my biggest fear that my darling boy would take on those traits from their time together.  We share custody 50/50 since the end of January, which is unnerving in the light of day.

The things I do to be kind to myself are to take quiet time to get present and much like yourself, to practise purposefully getting in touch with my breath.  I'm gradually exposing myself to triggers and trying to remain mindful of my responses both physically and mentally.  When I find myself being overwhelmed I try to internally say to myself "I am having a difficult time right now" and be compassionate with myself.  It makes a difference when I do this.  

I meditate when I can and spend as much time outdoors as possible.  I'm currently taking medication for depression and anxiety which helps reduce the frequency and severity of my anxiety attacks.  If you aren't able to find time to meditate, any activity which requires total focus is a great way to get present in the here and now.  I study art, photography and pottery, which all keep me balanced and provide great relief for a time.  Painting and drawing at home when I feel able makes a huge difference in my overall sense of well being and calm.  Posting here is proving helpful as well, of course.  Yoga is also excellent and I must get back into my regular practise with that.  :)o you exercise?  

Love and light x