I'm new, Mother was a narcissist

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have a life long history with personality disordered people. My mother was a narcissist and I was involved in a relationship is a borderline, a narcissist and a psychopath.

[amazinggrace]

I have a life long history with personality disordered people. My mother was a narcissist and I was involved in a relationship is a borderline, a narcissist and a psychopath.

[Turkish]

A lot of us here ended up on relationships with people like our parents.  It sounds line you are safely out of that romantic relationship.  Examining the past is a good first step to avoid stepping into the dysfunctionally familiar.  

How was your mother a narcissist and how did she hurt you?

T

[iris519]

Do you feel like your mom being a narcissist led you into a relationship with someone else with a personality disorder? Like you didn't even know what to look for in a healthy relationship?

[amazinggrace]

Yea, it was a learning experience. I got my dad's genetic personality. He was a nice guy. I'm not sure that's a compliment:   My mother was actually really brutal and physically abusive to me. There was a dozen dozen felony level assaults on me as a child. I think that they covet and don't like the nice guy thing. She didn't validate me once in the 50 years before her death. It's been 10 years now and I don't have much anger about it anymore. Understanding her disorder kinda helps me realize that she couldn't do anything about it back then. But, it did set me up to get involved (tolerate) with behaviors that most people (trauma free) wouldn't. I'm not asking for pity and I have enough compassion and empathy for myself that I don't need that either. I'm just saying that the learning experience was hard earned. I think that the set up for continued relationships with personality disordered people was just as abusive and the child abuse. Yep, PTSD. I have a nice girl now for a wife and we work together on everything and I trust her. There is no catastrophe a day, no abuse, no me me me, no projections or circular logic or false allegations. Not even give me money. Imagine that? So, I think that what I learned helped me to find and pick her. My children's mother was diagnosed with BPD and the really hard thing right now is worrying about my youngest daughter's behaviors. I hope it is learned behaviors and not the disorder. When I discovered this disorder my therapist slowly helped me understand it and one of the things that he said was "there is one in every family". I still don't like that but he had been watching it long before me. There is a kind spirit here and I feel safe. I'm glad that I have found you. We can work together to heal.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi amazinggrace,  

We are kindred souls here, seeking comfort, kindness, and we give challenges to heal as well. You joined a great group who understands. So many of us have had horrible experiences growing up with a pwBPD.

There is a great list to the right hand side which describes the journey to healing quite well. ---->>  Have you looked to see where you are through the explanations that open up when you click on them?

As Turkish said, many of us have carried over the things we learned growing up into the relationships we chose as adults. I know I did too. You're not alone.

What do you thinks was one of the main dysfunctional traits you learned that influenced your choices later on? How have you changed now?

Wools

[amazinggrace]

Yea, the survivor's guide is actually quite emotionally difficult for me. I've spent the last 8 years discovering the disorder's effects on me, the behaviors, my own fleas and fears, obligations and guilt; and having really difficult PTSD of which I see more clearly now. Healing is where I haven't had much help. I've had some good therapists as I worked through my child abuse but the effects of the personality disordered person and my trauma really hasn't been seen by them or at least they didn't give me much direction. When I was a young child I can remember my older brother of 10 years raping and torturing my sister. I was three and my sister of 6 years older was screaming at him to unlock the door and leave her alone. 50 years later I told my oldest sister about it and she validated it and remembered it clearly. Since then my sister the victim confronted him and he allegedly took responsibility for it and now they're pals. I don't believe that for an instant. 12 year old boys that rape and torture 6 year old children don't get a pass like that. If they want to register on the sex offender list, complete counseling, and cough up all of their victims like my sister and I who were weeping and begging for it to stop regularly? Maybe. I remember my mother taking a 2 inch by 2 inch chunk of hair and scalp in her angry violent hands in front of my best friend in the garage. We were playing basketball in the driveway. I walked for a couple of miles to the police station and cried and cried. The police finally got angry with me because I couldn't speak and tell him what happened. When my mother was dying she sat up in bed and took her mask off and yelled at my sisters in her hospice morphine induced stupor. Seeing that violent face again at the end really didn't help me much either. I really don't know how to approach this. I don't want pity, attention, or sympathy. I've never really had anyone that I trusted to tell it to. My higher self or inner child's pretty much blind. I read this book "The Simple Art of Not Giving a F" this year and realized that my conditions of immortality had been seriously taken from me by my relationships with hurtful people. One of my annual goals this year is to die and resurrect into a new life. I got that from Becker's book "The Denial of Death". I'm reading a book called "The Cloud of Unknowing" now. It says to seek Grace. I have heard this from AA folks and many other traditions. One thing certain is that I can't do it by myself. I've tried. We can travel together and I will listen. Reading some of the stories here makes me think Wow. I'm not going to dwell of this but I'm guessing that many of you get the picture. I'll stop with the negative narrative knowing that there are others here who get it. For my health, I just need to heal.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi amazinggrace,

Have you read The Road Less Travelled?  M Scott Peck writes in a compelling way about grace and I recognise and thank grace every day since reading it.  I've read most of his books, so apologies if this actually comes in a later one in the series... .but perhaps if you've not checked it out before you could read up and see if it's for you.  Meantime, I'm still building up to posting on this board about my FOO stuff.  Working through low self esteem at the moment with my therapist and that's the beginning of what I suspect will be a long journey.  I got off lightly in contrast to some in respect of my early years and for that I'm grateful yet the impact of the core beliefs I developed is considerable.  Let's just say I have a long history of abusive relationships and trauma to unravel before I am ready to open another box.   

I'll stop with the negative narrative knowing that there are others here who get it. For my health, I just need to heal.

This is a wonderful place to work on healing, with others who truly understand and will support you in the way you feel you need.  Negative or not, if it needs to come out, someone is always here to listen.  You're in good company friend. 

Love and light x

[amazinggrace]

Yea Harley. I read The Road Less Traveled. My thinking has evolved from "family systems theory" to the real problem being a pattern of personal behaviors of personality disordered people and how they effect the system which can perpetuate repeatedly. I was very careful to not abuse my daughters with judgement or violence but my dysfunction and coping mechanisms has had an impact upon them. Also, they were in the middle of the my-mother-like relationships I chose including their mother who was diagnosed during a custody battle with BPD that we all went through. I got custody of which I'm very thankful for and they are better off but their mother's behaviors and my own fleas didn't make their life easy at time. That year in court was one of the hardest years I've been through and they were just little kids and had to deal with it. I know they are better off than I was so we made some progress toward a more functional system. They don't have chemical dependency issues, were not physically or sexually abused, have graduated from college and good professional job; kind and successful husbands.  <-- So that's the grace I'm probably thankful for. The grace thing is giving me peace at times so I'm going to pursue it. I've had a successful life so far. I'm highly educated and in a pretty good situation now. But, the trauma history makes my aging mind and body tired. I still have nightmares and awaken to anxiety most mornings. I'm going into the third 30 year trimester of this gestation on a giant rock flying through space sometimes faster than the speed of light. I want this next 30 years to be peaceful and successful. One thing for sure? Mean people don't get a pass with me and are not invited. I'm ready for a personal god, twelve step program, church experience or something like that. I was raised in a religious cult founded by liars and sex offenders (my BPD mother dragged us there so she could hide out and not get discovered; and of course she promoted transience every 3 or 4 years to a new geographic location but same church:-) so finding my own tradition is really hard. I really do feel like becoming more spiritual. Anyway, that's were I'm at.

[Turkish]

The Denial of Death sounds interesting.  One of my favorite poems from high school was Ozymandias, certainly a reflection upon Solomon's "all is vanity" from Ecclesiastes.

[amazinggrace]

Yea, Becker won the Pulitzer Prize for that book which rationally put an end to the Oedipus and Electra complex as our reason for unconscious motives. In our lives Freud was probably right to some degree because we kept getting involved with our mother like females. But unlike what Freud suggested we were never happy being married or involved with them. It just "fit" in an unsatisfactory way. Traumatic bonding is well, traumatic bonding. Being intellectual about this hasn't helped me at all so I just think that it is worth mentioning. I'm putting off my desires for revenge and justice until 2025 and in the meantime not giving an F about my more recent transgressions into my own victimization by my mother like figures. I'm in a safe place and just want to heal. By 2025 if all goes well I won't care about justice any more either.That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 

[No-One]

I'm putting off my desires for revenge and justice until 2025 and in the meantime not giving an F about my more recent transgressions into my own victimization by my mother like figures. I'm in a safe place and just want to heal. By 2025 if all goes well I won't care about justice any more either.

What's the significance of the year 2025?

[amazinggrace]

The significance of 2025 isn't really anything important. It's just the date I put into my little annual goals to heal. Revenge is a "sin" which separates us from our inner peace. It's part of my movement toward grace. When we begin to realize our victimization it is natural to feel a deep desire for revenge. But, this just makes our PTSD get worse. Justice is almost always a paper tiger with people who just kinda don't play by the rules. They have so much practice and so less care about others (lack of empathy) that they become experts and we can't compete with them. This also aggravates us. But, it is our anger that gives us the motivation to leave and not go back. Going back for a validation that most of us have never received but wish for. Motivation to make a better life and, hate to say this, but "allow" ourselves to have. Healing #15 on the list there in the Survivor's Guide. We can allow ourselves. Continuing allowing and allowing ourselves to allow ourselves. That's my goal for the next 7 to 30 years. Self kindness seems to be one of our most difficult accomplishments in recovery.

[No-One]

AmazingGrace:
Thanks for clarifying and sharing about 2025.  You've had a hard road to travel, but you have pulled yourself up and onto a good path.  I'm impressed with what you have accomplished.

It's really beneficial to have goals.  Your post reminded me to make myself more accountable, by writing down my goals (I usually document, but I've slacked off for a few months).  I hope that in the spirit of self kindness, that you reward yourself, as you make progress with your goals.

[amazinggrace]

@No-One. Yea, goals are easy. I was taught this and it works for me. Just write it down on a little post it note or notebook and hide the paper in a safe place. At the end of the year you'll look back and go "oh", I did it. If there are some loose ends just delete them and/or add them to next year. It's quite amazing. When I first started coming out of the fog I sent the author Robert D. Hare a message about my victimization after reading his book. He sent me a message back that said that the most important thing about healing is to make a successful life from now on. This was very hard for me because I wanted validation and my life back, I wanted justice from the money grabbing and false allegations. I wanted accountability for the lies that I was told and believed. The real answer after all of the years is that what I didn't know then set me up for my dedication to the lies that I was being told. Now, if someone is doing the PD thing to me, they are absolutely not allowed. Before multiple times a sycophant - now absolutely none. The PTSD will kick our asses and keep us from moving forward. That's why annual goals and self validation about our progress are so important. It takes the rose colored glasses off each year. Recovery from rape takes years. Rape is like grapes. There's a lot of variety and there are just as many female rapists as males.  Passive aggressive feminine rape is one of those variety of grapes that I'm talking about. Mike Ehrmantraut said it in "Breaking Bad". "Half measures" for females is sexist. Females do their share of victimization and remaining silent or attempting to rescue them is actually sexist. Nancy Reagan was right. Just say no.

[iris519]

I have a life long history with personality disordered people. My mother was a narcissist and I was involved in a relationship is a borderline, a narcissist and a psychopath.

I have been going to a therapist for a few months now and have learned so much. I had no idea that love looks different for different people and that's okay! Boundaries are good, your feelings are your feelings and there are reasons for them, you shouldn't ignore them, it's good to rely on others, etc... .I am 36 years old and just now learning these things. You just can't know what you don't know! I have had to relearn how to do so much, emotionally and mentally. I will be working on it for a long time and it is definitely a process. Hang in there and know that you are not alone!