So Where Do We Go From Here?

[Notwendy]

When my mother doesn't get her way, she goes for whatever is most hurtful. In my case, it was my father. I understand your dilemma. I had to think of ways to see him while minimizing the impact she had on me. It wasn't easy. I also didn't see him as much as I would have wanted to, but I saw him to the extent I could tolerate her.

It's a tough situation, but it is what it is. Someone you care about is controlled by her 100%. So was my father. She owned him. While he wasn't a child like your GS- at the end of his life he was about as powerless as a child to stand up to her, and dependent on her. She controlled my relationship with him too.

It wasn't what I wanted for me ,or for him--- but he chose it. And your son chose this. All I could do is the best I could with the situation. Your son and his fiancee are the legal guardians of your GS and until he is 18, they do control things. They don't have to let you in on their plans for him.

By taking your focus off them and what they do, I hope you can come to a way to babysit and be more comfortable when you do, if that continues to be your choice. You also don't have to babysit. I know that is a tough decision but you can choose your own sanity and physical health if you need to.

[Angie59]

Yes, Notwendy it really is a tough situation.  It is breaking my heart because my son and our relationship with him (even his older brother) and he do not talk like we used to.  He has really bought into his fiancee's way of thinking and it is quite scary to be honest.  I have had conversations with him where he will tell me something she said and I will point out to him how this could not possibly be.  He would then come to the realization that she did not tell him something truthfully and would just say, oh yeah, I see what you're saying.  It's like she has hijacked his brain or something! 

We have been talking about physical limitations with the GS2 but it, for me, has gone beyond that to mental as well as physical symptoms.  I am not sleeping well in spite of nighttime prescription sleep medicine I was given by my doctor.  I have no appetite.  I think about this whole situation all the time, forcing myself to get on a different subject in my head only to find it is once again engulfing my brain. 

Something has to give here sooner or later and I don't know what that is, but feeling like this is certainly not the answer or one of us (my husband or I) is going to end up sick and will be of no use to our GS. 

Just feeling a lot of anxiety and sadness right now. 

Thank you so much for your time and your suggestions.  Although they were very good ones, our finances are limited and that would also make them mad to bring a chair into their home, or to find out we have him in a church type camp or anything else you mentioned.  I may have misunderstood.  You might have meant let them in on our thoughts and tell them our ideas to run it past them first.  As of right now, financially none of those would work for us and talking to them is out of the question.  Things have been going downhill in the way of communication for some time now and I think we have rockier roads ahead. 

[Notwendy]

I understand and it is tough.  It seemed like my mother hijacked my fathers thoughts too. It wasn't like that earlier. He seemed more himself when I was a teen but was still enmeshed and seemed to excuse her behavior. I can see how he fell in love with her and why he stayed when we were little but he remained with her long past when we grew up and left home. I don't know why and I don't think it's possible to know why.

If this situation and the stress of babysitting is taking a toll on you and your husband you have every right to make yourselves a priority and not do it. I also took some distance from my parents. It was very hard. I had to look out for my well being whether they liked it or not.

I know you love your GS but ultimately he is their responsibility. Your health is important.

[No-One]

How is my son in other relationships?  That is hard to say because this is, believe it or not, the first girl he ever brought home to meet us.  So I believe he may have had other relationships in the past but maybe they didn't last very long?  Not sure.  This is the only serious one we know of.  Regarding how he is with other people and relationships, always well-liked, gets along great with his coworkers, had nice friends in high school and overall everyone seemed to like him.  He was on the quiet side in high school, but from what we have observed, everyone likes him and says he is easy to get along with.

Hi Angie59:
Someone who is quiet and easy to get along with is often a "People Pleaser".  Add in a parent with a temper (and anger management issues), and a "people pleaser" is easily nurtured. Quiet people are generally passive and don't want conflict.

I've often read on the relationship boards about the person with BPD or strong BPD traits who is very attractive.  Early on, there can be intense sexual chemistry.  Some people let the good looks and chemistry be the reason for staying in the relationship (at least until they can't take it any longer).  The chemistry can be like a drug.

Perhaps the person with BPD would rate a "9" or "10" in the looks department (out of a scale from 1-10), and perhaps the non in the relationship is several points lower on the attractiveness scale.  The non may have never dreamed of snagging someone who was so good looking on the outside.  Early on, they will hang on as long as they can, and close their eyes to the ugly personality traits, poor values and bad behaviors.  The looks and the chemistry keep them hooked, and they want to keep that at all costs.  Just sharing a possible perspective on what your son might see in his fiance.  

Just wondering if you ever read the information offered on "People Pleasers" within your thread at the link below:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=324580.20

You left that thread and started a new one.  Perhaps it could be of some value to revisit some things discussed on the 3rd page of that thread. (opportunities?)

I've read many of your posts about babysitting and feeling unappreciated and taken advantage of.  Could you be stuck with ruminating over these things?

You have power over and can choose the following:

1.  Accept that you are giving your grandson a gift, by babysitting for him.  He is too young to realize it, but you are doing something good for his welfare.  You could choose for this to be enough justification for babysitting (without feeling taken advantage of).  You can exercise whatever boundaries are possible, or you can choose to quit.  If you can't get beyond the feeling of being taken advantage of, you may need to just quit and accept that you won't likely be baby sitting again.

2.  You can talk to your son and express your desire for periodic "Thank You's" from him.  Have you had this conversation with your son? Were "Thank You's" a common practice within your household, while your son was growing up?  

3.  Take measures within your control to make babysitting more comfortable.  i.e. you won't get them to buy the chair you want, but you can provide portable additions to make a chair more comfortable/suitable for your husband. (therapeutic pads for back support, lift pad, etc.)  What have you tried?

Has your husband thought about quitting smoking?  Very few people survive years of smoking, without cancer and/or lung ailments.  Earlier, you mentioned the smoke residue in your home as a problem.  It sounds logical that the car is an issue as well.  So if you husband wasn't a smoker, am I correct in understanding that there would have been more opportunities to babysit at your house and to use your car to transport your grandson?

Although detailing a car would improve the situation with smoke residue in the car, unless your husband quits smoking in the car, it will quickly revert to the way it was before cleaning.

Smoking, or the residue from smoking is a problem for someone who has allergies, asthma or is just sensitive to smoke. I actually understand why someone would stay firm with boundaries in regard to even 3rd hand smoke exposure.  If you don't have allergies and are used to being around smoke, it might be hard to understand how others have problems with being around it.

Until you radically accept the things you can't change, you will be in constant turmoil.  You do have some choices, and perhaps some things you can do to make some small improvements.  "All or Nothing" isn't realistic.  

You previously mentioned getting involved in some activities just for you.  Have you thought about some possibilities?  Maybe start a hobby, join a club, take a yoga class, learn meditation, etc.?  It's never healthy to hyper focus on one aspect of life.  Mental vacations with activities you like can help tame anxiety.

[Notwendy]

No-One makes some very good points. I have struggled with people-pleasing as well. Growing up in my FOO it was considered a desirable thing to do ( basically please one person- my mother) but I also did it because pleasing my mother also pleased my father. It got their approval, but it also required that I ignore my own needs and who I was because there wasn't room in my FOO for anyone else's needs, just my mother's. This behavior was adaptive/survival in my childhood and but after that, created dysfunction for my relationships with others.

Pointing this out isn't meant to be a criticism of you as a parent. It is clear that you are a loving mother to your son. Dysfunction in families and family members tends to be integenerational and also on a spectrum from mild to more severe. My BPD mother has the severe behavior and compared to her, others looked normal, but that didn't mean we didn't have things about ourselves to work on.

I've observed that some people can be both people pleasers and have anger management issues. I think that resentment is at the bottom of this. People saying "yes" when they truly mean "no" and building up resentment. The resentment is expressed in different ways- anger outbursts, or passive aggressive behavior, or sadness.

People pleasers tend to focus on other people rather than their own issues or feelings, or wants and needs. I think some of this is necessary as a parent- we have to get up at night to feed a baby, even if we are tired, or we change our plans to suit a child care situation. But even mothers need to have some self care. They say on an airplane - put your oxygen mask on first.

Self care, turning the focus on ourselves, is an antidote to people pleasing and a way to diminish resentment. You've got several issues going on here- your inconsiderate son and his fiancee, your grandson, and your husband who is not physically comfortable babysitting and also smokes in his car, which makes the babysitting harder on you. As No-One said- there are inexpensive steps to solving these problems, but he has to also cooperate- he can choose to clean the car and stop smoking in it, bring some pillows or other adaptive pads for the chair. What are his feelings about babysitting? Can he freely express them to you or does he fear your anger if he says he doesn't want to? Is he a people pleaser? I don't advocate mind reading but does he speak his feelings or act in passive aggressive ways to get you to stop babysitting?

As for your son's characteristics, he will need to deal with his own people pleasing behavior if he does that. You gave him the best you had with what you knew at the time. The great thing about realizing patterns and our own behavior is it gives us the opportunity to work on making changes in ourselves. We can't change other people but sometimes when one person in a family becomes more direct, authentic and less of a people pleaser, they have less resentment, and can model a better way to interact. Others become less fearful of expressing themselves if the anger is better controlled. This can take time, and work, but is a step towards positive changes in a family.

For the babysitting solution, I think it would help to focus on what you need, what you truly wish to do. If this is not sustainable as it is, what is in your power to change to make it possible for you? How does your husband feel about this- he may not want to do it and so will also feel resentment? I can understand why going alone would be a problem- one car and it is tiring. Once you know your limits, your boundaries- you can present it to your son and fiancee. Yes, they may make it all or none, or realize that even one day a week of free babysitting is still free ( if you cut back to one day) or just have to make other arrangements if you don't babysit. For now, you are accommodating everyone but you. What is it that you really want ( that is possible- they are not going to change).