To Talk About or Not to Talk About?

[Angie59]

Hi everyone!

I have a very sensitive situation here that I would like some advice on.  I am going to put this as best as I can without being out of line or offensive to anyone.  I have thought about it for quite some time, but did not know if it was appropriate to address here.  I just don't know who else to talk with.

My son's uBPD fiancee' always seems to have the kids by himself because the uBPD mother is never hardly home or with them.  I have posted a lot before so some of you will recognize me.  GS2 (grandson 2 years old) and GD4 (grandaughter 4 years old) - however, the GD4 is not biologically his child.  Her father is in her life though.

As a result of her never being around, my son takes care of GD4 (as he has since she was 5 months old), with issues like bathing, dressing, etc.  When my husband and I arrived the other day, as we babysit our GS2, GD4 was getting ready for school.  As any typical 4 year old, she puts on one item of clothing, and then has to be prodded to put on another as she starts watching the TV, etc... .  She went to change her underwear and then sat on the couch, without panties on, practically spread-eagle on the couch and told my son she had a rash "down there."  So he stopped what he was doing and she repeated it and he said, "Ok, kiddo," put some ointment on her and told her to continue getting dressed.

My concerns:  Who should be teaching her modesty and inappropriateness at this point?  I feel if his uBPD fiancee would become angry at him, I have found her to be very manipulative, vindictive, threatening, very cunning, and back-stabbing, and I just named a few.  I am concerned she could easily accuse him of abusing GD4, and if an authority were to ask the GD4, does N (my son) ever touch you there, her honest answer would be yes.  It is like he is a single dad around there and it is just absurd, because the GD4 also has behavior issues and GS2 is picking up on them. 

So, am I being old-fashioned here, or do I have legitimate concerns?  I feel I want to talk to him about this because he obviously sees nothing wrong in her sitting there in front of us leaving nothing to the imagination, as well as taking care of her hygiene, etc... .  I know for a fact the kids need their mom - and especially for these very reasons, her mom.  What is my son's choice though if he is always the only one there?

I am concerned about this.  I know that I can only control myself, but the reason I am thinking about talking to him is because he acts as if her immodesty and all the hygiene he has to take care of, is normal and not out of line at all. 

I just don't know where to turn with all this anymore.  Any advice, ideas, opinions - anything - would be greatly appreciated.

Angie59

[Turkish]

If he's taking care of her like the other kids,  and this will be his stepdaughter,  then he should teach her modesty (in a non shaming way). She obviously trusts your son.  He,  and every parent,  should teach anatomically correct body parts as well, all of the kids.  I didn't do that and it was a mistake. 

As scary as it might seem of you start going through possibilities, what he did is not a crime. If GD4 is honest and trusts your son,  the worst case it would not be taken as a crime because it's not.  I've been through this situation with my kids when D6 had just turned 3. Cops, counseling, CPS and everything.  It's legitimate for a caregiver (family, say) to help assist children like this. 

[Angie59]

Thank you Turkish for your response.

While it is comforting to hear that this is not unheard of, I just feel angry that he is being put in the position of teaching a non-biological daughter about modesty, body parts, etc... .while her mom is never there and her dad is there on weekends - only when convenient for him.

Basically my son plays both Mom and Dad to her while both biological parents are absent most of the time in her life.  Mom is out getting new tattoos and doing nude/bondage photo shoots and Dad is just happens to be too tired.  It just isn't fair and it is just plain taking advantage of someone.  They should both be ashamed of themselves!


Angie59

[Turkish]

I agree that they should be ashamed of themselves,  but this little girl will be your son's daughter (step is irrelevant), and he may be the best last hope and brightest star in her young life. 

[Angie59]

Hi again,

Turkish, I am saying this with respect to you - not trying to be combative.  When you say step is irrelevant, unfortunately it is relevant in a court of law and her biological will have far more rights to her as well as her mother before my son ever will.  He loves her like his own and I commend him for that.  He is a wonderful dad to both of them, but I believe he still will not hold the weight that his biological parents will.  Please let me know if I am wrong.  It sounds like you have more experience in this error than I have.

Angie59

[Turkish]

I meant irrelevant vis-a-vis his emotional and day to day r/s with her.  So he isn't the legal parent, it would be the same if you were medically helping one of your bio grandchildren, even if you had no legal authority in the letter of the law.  It isn't molestation according to the law. 

He told you this.  Is he concerned?

[Angie59]

He did not show or tell us anything at all. We observed it ourselves when we were there, so no I don't see concern coming from him at all. Which is our concern. Someone needs to teach her modesty, etc... .

At this point, no matter how he feels about GD4 he is only engaged to GS4's mother, no date set because she truly seems to have lost interest. She doesn't want to set a date yet.

So, without embellishment, she has good man at home who totally provides the roof over her and her daughter's head, is free to come and go as she pleases, including with other men, stay out all night.and all household bills paid for. Her money is hers to keep.  Bonus! She has someone who loves her daughter as his own picks her up at daycare every day, makes dinner does bats and reads to them before bed! Pretty sweet deal I would say!

I truly thought we did right with our son's bringing them up as responsible, kind, compassionate people. Maybe we should have told them this may lead to people taking advantage of it. We sent him out into the world too naive.

Angie

[Turkish]

good man at home who totally provides the roof over her and her daughter's head,

Yes he does. I'd trust him to parent as he is.  He's doing the right thing for all of the kids.  His choice despite her behaviors, but it's his choice to make. 

[Angie59]

So,so hard for us to understand how he could possibly be happy. I know it is his choice to make butGD4's behavior is extreme. I asked two of my physician's opinion on her behavior and they strongly advised she see a professional. Then they both said we should be in counseling to deal with it all.

How ironic that the one person who is wreaking all of this havoc on everyone's life get by Scott free and everyone else needs counseling?  I do wish my son would get counseling because I don't believe he is in a good mental state at all.

[Angie59]

Good afternoon everyone!

Turkish, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and opinions.  I know that I cannot control what my son and his uBPD fiancee do or don't do parenting their children.

I guess I feel some sort of obligation to at least talk to my son, or take some sort of action regarding GD4's lack of modesty.  I guess what I'm saying if no one corrects her and explains appropriateness and modesty, and possibly seeing the nude/bondage photos of her mother, could this not make her feel that this is all okay?  She is only 4 years old I feel these things need to be taught.

Not my place?  Say something to my son?  Let it all go?  I do give my son a lot of credit for what he is trying to do with both children, it is a lot for him.  However, he is acting like this is okay behavior for the GS4 as well. I don't know.  Sometimes I think I either try too hard, or maybe I'm the one that's going crazy!

Any ideas or opinions would be so welcome.

Angie59

[Harri]

Until the age of 4 to 5 kids will often run around naked as often as they can.  By the age of 5 to 6 they start to realize boys and girls have different parts.  That is normal.  Her lying spread eagled on the couch or where ever is her being a normal 4 year old.

What can be done is to stress modesty but in a non-shaming way.  Do it with a smile or a grin and say "oh, we keep our bodies private" or something like that.  No shaming, no shock no horror.  Don't make a big deal about it.

You son was being a father to her when he put the ointment on her.  her trusting him to do so is normal and healthy and quite sweet actually.  He could have said Ooops, sit up straight now or something like that.  You could have done so as well.  Say it with a smile on your face and in your eyes though so she does not pick up on your personal feelings about this.

GS2 will be doing this quite soon.  It is normal.

[Turkish]

Just turned 6, my daughter is still a little immodest.  She lives with me and S8 half the time, the other half with another girl in the house, mommy. I'd trust your son to be a father. Children doing this in the house is quite different then outside or with strangers or other relatives.

[Angie59]

Thanks Harri for your input.  

I think I am beginning to realize that I compare a lot of my upbringing to "it should be done this way." My mom was a single mom and worked during the day and my brother and I lived with my grandparents (as well as my mom).  Whenever I had any "girl" type issues to deal with as a small child, as well as toiletry practices, or whatever, my grandma used to deal with it; not grandpa.  My grandpa and I were very close and I did not suffer any type of abuse by anyone in my family, sexual or otherwise.  I just knew somehow that whenever anything involved my private parts, it would be mom or grandma.

Maybe that might be where I get hung up with things sometimes.  Feeling like things should be handled as it was when I grew up.  

I need a vacation!  Ugh, this is all really too much sometimes, you know?

Angie59

P.S.  I see my T tomorrow evening.

[Angie59]

Thank you Turkish, I do see your point about inside and family members, versus being in an outside environment and strangers.  I'm glad you pointed that out.

[CollectedChaos]

Hi Angie!

It's totally appropriate for a 4 year old to be naked - it isn't until 5-6 or even older before they start wanting some modesty, and that's totally normal.  I think excessive modesty at 4 would be more concerning than not, truthfully, although every child is different.  If I had witnessed a similar situation, I think I would have been very pleased that your GD was so comfortable with your son that she had no issue asking for help in that area.

I would say that these types of conversations are best left to her parents.  If the parents are not concerned, then you should tow their line and allow her to do as she chooses in regard to clothing.  If they begin pushing her towards clothing, modesty, etc - you can then follow their lead on that as well.  As a grandparent, you don't get to make the rules that they choose to follow in their home with their kids, and putting yourself in a situation where you are disagreeing with their parenting style will only further tarnish the strained relationship you have with them.

[Fie]

Hello Angie59,


You are asking 'to talk about or to not talk about' ;

I would definitely say to  *not* talk about.

We are from a different generation than your GD4 and not everything was better in the old days. Maybe it's good to keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with nudity. We all have a naked body under our cloths and that's ok !

Children at the age of 4 do not realize yet that there's some shame around being naked. Enjoy this (last) phase of innocence I would say ! She'll have plenty of time to grow up and will be an adult before you know it.

I do agree that we can tell children to sit 'appropriately'. If my daughter would sit in such a way that f.e. I can see her underwear, I'd tell her 'Ok, for here inside it's ok, because it's only me seeing it but outside please make sure strangers don't see your underwear because that's not considered polite'.

I agree that seeing pictures with bondage etc is not ideal for a 4yr old ! But in my opinion there is no need to go the opposite way. A vagina is just a body part like all of the other body parts. No need to cultivate shame around that.

A father putting ointment on his daughter's vagina, when she's not at an age yet that she can do that herself... .is perfectly acceptable. As I said, it's a body part.

[Harri]

Angie, do you think your anxiety is causing you to escalate these situations in your mind?  I know how anxiety can mess with our heads so I figured I would ask.  If you do think so, talk with your therapist about it.  

[Angie59]

It sounds pretty unanimous that I should keep my mouth closed about this whole modesty thing.  I would never "shame" GS4 about anything, modesty or whatever it may be because I don't believe that is a good way to discipline children.

The "shame" I referred to was towards her mother, the uBPD, and son for not recognizing the damage she is doing.  I guess sometimes you have to "be there" to see what is going on and see how the children's behaviors are to know what I really mean. 

Harri, good point.  My anxiety could play a role in this.  I just don't want her to accuse (son's uBPD) as a threat that he abused GD4 and find my son in hot water with the law.  Many of you are saying, step-father, parent, father... .  Please understand he is none of these.  She has 2 biological parents as we all do.  They are part of her life in whatever ways you call it, but my son is nothing to GD4.  He is not her father, they are not married so not her step-father, and certainly cannot be called a parent. 

These may be all wonderful ways to think of him, as long as the uBPD's life or her parents life is causing no waves and letting this type of thing go on.  If you speak up about it, whether it be us, my son or whoever, he will quickly become "the boyfriend." 

I know these people and I can see that happening.  No respect is going on for my son - not by his uBPD, his mom or dad.  Her father's answer to her going out of the country with another man was, "Well it's good for her to do those things."  What?  They just got engaged!

I know it is my son's choice, but it is taking a very bad toll on me.  I have pretty bad anxiety and depression.  First comes the anxiety and then depression sets in.  This is not good for me.  It looks like it is time to make a choice.

[Feeling Better]

Angie, I totally get what you are saying, however, you are worrying about something that may or may not happen and this is not good for you if it is starting to affect your health. You cannot change things and you cannot fix things, but you can be there for your son if sometime in the future he does need your help and support. It is so hard sometimes to just be an onlooker especially when we feel that things could go wrong and our natural tendencies are to get in there and help.

Your son is an adult, he is responsible for himself and the decisions he makes, you say that you know it is your son’s choice, but are you truly accepting this?

[CollectedChaos]

Many of you are saying, step-father, parent, father... .  Please understand he is none of these.

He is living in the home with your GD, regardless of blood relation or marriage, therefore he is a parental figure.  Whether or not there is a proper term for it is really irrelevant.  He is providing care to her as a father would, and I think that's enough to consider him a father, or step father, or whatever you want to call it.  It sounds as though he sees her as one of his own despite not being biologically so - that should be enough.

I understand that you are worried for your son, but he is an adult and will make his own choices, good or bad.  I see that you are very anxious about the decisions he is making, and the decisions his fiance is making, but interjecting yourself in that space will do none of you any good.  It's hard to let go, and it's hard to be in a position where you want things to change but have no control.  But, if you want to continue to have a relationship with your son and your grandchildren, I think you need to try. 

[Angie59]

Hello everyone!

I first want to thank everyone for their suggestions, ideas, replies, opinions, etc... . 

While I do agree wholeheartedly that this is my son's life and his decisions to make, as a parent I think you will always be concerned about your kids.  Most parents are.  I understand that this doesn't mean you interfere in their business, try to make the rules for them in their own house, or give opinions when they are really not asked for.  Perhaps what I worry about and think about talking with him about is none of my business or an overreaction on my part.  I need to discuss it all with my therapist.

The only other thing I can say is this:  Although I have given various and plenty examples of my son's uBPD finance, I don't think anyone is truly getting the type of person (and people, being her parents), that we are dealing with here.  She feels like she has sprinkled poison through our lives for the past 4 years.  My son and I have fought and cried about thing, she and I have gotten into it about things, my own family (husband, older son and I) have gotten into arguments, etc... . 

Some of you may know what it feels like going to a foreign country you have never visited before.  That is what my husband, myself and older son feel like when we are invited over there.  We feel a sense of dread with the invitation, a sense of anxiety over what might happen, and then we are placed into a place that feels foreign to us. 

It really isn't a matter if my son is doing anything wrong or not - I may not be very good about explaining things the way I want them to come out.  It is the uBPD and her parents who I fear may say something about it.  GD4 can only ask my son to help with baths, place ointment when needed, etc... .He is all she has because her mother is not there! 

Should this have been a different person he would have gotten involved in, I would never have even joined this group.  I would bet every penny I have that if things went sideways for them at some point, or if he wasn't doing what she wanted him to do, she would not hesitate to use the "child abuse" card on him.  I've seen her use threats before.  She is a scary person, and that is why I said he is not her father, step-father or anything to her.  He could very well become the "boyfriend," whom she would easily say she doesn't trust. 

So even though I know my son would have his right arm cut off before he ever even thought of molesting a child or anyone for that matter, what matters is what GD4 would say and what her mother would say. 

Enough said.

[CollectedChaos]

Hi Angie,

Trust me when I say that this community "gets it" better than most others when it comes to the behavior of a BPD person.  Plenty of us have parents or siblings with BPD and have lived a significant portion of our lives around this kind of crazy, so we definitely understand your concerns and understand the gravity of the issues you are discussing.  I agree that the behavior of your soon-to-be daughter in law is troubling and would feel very foreign to someone who has never had a relationship with someone that has BPD or BPD traits.

What we also understand is that we as outsiders have no ability to change the behavior of these people.  It doesn't matter what you say to your son or say to his fiance, it will not change anything and will not correct the issues you are seeing, it likely will only amplify them and cause you more pain and anxiety.  So if we seem to not understand, that is far from the case.  We just know that interjecting yourself into their relationship will only push your son away from you as he needs to come to these conclusions about her on his own terms.  There's no sense in jeopardizing your relationship with him just to make a point that he likely will not see even if you spell it out for him.

Hang in there.

[Angie59]

Thank you CollectedChaos.  Everything you said makes sense.  I'm really just hitting my head against a brick wall - and it hurts!  I know what I need to do, as difficult as it is.  I accept and respect everything you said, and I know that everyone on this board does understand these kinds of behaviors. 

I can't protect my son anymore and that really creates anxiety and then depression.  I have to step back and know he is a man and has to get through this on his own.  The manipulation, lies, cheating, neglecting her children, not respecting my son, etc... .the whole ball of wax is really difficult to take, as I realize you know all too well.

Thank you for post.  It meant a lot.

Angie

[dealing_with_BPD]

Hi Angie!

I think it is still very normal for a four-year-old to act that way. If anything, it is a good sign because it means she has not been sexualized in any way. Right now she just sees your son as her dad, and a four-year-old would definitely do that to a father. I have two boys myself, one is 3 and the other day he got naked and ran around while his stepdad chased him to put him in the bath. haha. She doesn't understand that her body parts are anything besides body parts.   

[dealing_with_BPD]

I am sorry that message was incomplete. I also wanted to add that I don't feel like that could be something that would get him in trouble. If your daughter in law did say something when she was angry, and they spoke with his stepdaughter, and she said he touched her I don't think they would immediately jump to that conclusion because she is young enough where you still have to clean them down there, and there could be a lot of scenarios where he would have touched her there, and it wasn't considered inappropriate. Also, I don't think it's enough for someone to just say it. There also has to be evidence. Unfortunately, my niece was sexually abused by her step-grandfather, and even though she had said things they still neded "evidence". I don't doubt she could do something, but actually getting him convicted is another thing. Also, if she was to say something she could say it without him doing those things. I think you are in the clear with this one

[Angie59]

Although I sincerely appreciate all of the replies I get, I am still feeling very misunderstood.  I am so glad I found this board because I do believe that many have probably had much more severe experiences than I have had with the BPD people in their life.  Maybe I am just too upset and angry to be taking in what everyone is saying and am seeing (and feeling) through the filter of anxiety and depression.

My son's uBPD fiancee is a person who I have never come across in my life.  I could list all of her traits, but I have a feeling you already know them. 

First understand, what you are saying about the GD4 is sinking through my head.  I get what you are all saying.  I think it is more the fact that there is so much chaos going on in their lives and dysfunction that it feels like she is poison to me.  It is difficult for me to even say good morning to her if she is the one there. 

I also understand that my son is a man and has to make his own decisions.  That fact doesn't make it any easier to see him being cheated on, lied to, taken advantage of, and people talking behind his back wondering what in the world is wrong with him.  It's like a dagger in the heart for me.

The alternative?  Stay away from their house and try to just see the kids on our terms if it works for them.  Call up on a Saturday and try to make plans with us seeing the kids on Sunday, or something like that.  That won't work though because she will be too angry that we are not giving her free babysitting anymore.  So will retaliate in some way and most likely that will be through using the kids as ammunition. 

I have out-of-town company coming on the weekend of the 18th of this month and I am actually hoping the trip falls through and they can't make it because I don't want them to have see the uBPD - wearing for sure a shirt with her boobs hanging out, shorts that are showing the cheeks of her butt, and acting/talking like a slut. 

No matter which way I turn, I feel dead inside when I think of the choices. 

Someone once said on this board that it doesn't have to be all or nothing, it can be somewhere in the middle.  NOT with her.  It is definitely all or nothing - black or white with her.  I've seen it before.  I had a run-in with her not long after we were told she was pregnant and she totally cut all ties with me for the remaining 6 months of her pregnancy. 

I'm sorry, mental disorder or not, she is a mean, evil person who knows how to mold my son into what she wants and is a terrible, terrible mother to her children.  They will be the ones to pay for all of this in the future. 

I don't know.  I feel like I'm going crazy right now.  Solutions and they all are terrible right now.

Angie

[dealing_with_BPD]

It sounds like that situation with your granddaughter was a trigger for how you're feeling about your son's life and your worry for what is going to happen to it in the future. I am sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed right now.

[No-One]

I truly thought we did right with our son's bringing them up as responsible, kind, compassionate people. Maybe we should have told them this may lead to people taking advantage of it. We sent him out into the world too naive.

Too much of a good thing can turn into a bad thing, when things aren't balanced.  Perhaps you son embraced "kindness" to the extreme, without learning enough about personal boundaries.  Personal boundaries are important.  It is common for people who stay in relationships with emotionally unhealthy people (especially those with strong traits of personality disorders) to be "people pleaser", "rescurers" and/or "co-dependent.

You might find the 3-part series of articles in Psychology Today on "People Pleasers" interesting (see links below).  Some aspects of the information shared there, could apply to your son to some degree. Critical parents, along with other influences, can set the stage for children to become "People Pleasers" and "Emotional Caretakers". 

From Parent-Pleasing to People-Pleasing
The paragraph below is an excerpt from the article:

. . .Regarding their value in life as based on their value to others, people-pleasers—so adept at nurturing those around them—literally don’t know how to nurture themselves. And because safeguarding relationships is the way they’ve learned to bolster their fragile egos, they’re unable to recognize that the ultimate cost of devoting themselves to the welfare of others is nothing less than sacrificing their own selfhood. Viewing their worth and personal security as totally hinging on pleasing or placating others, they end up forgetting who they are and what they themselves need to feel fulfilled. . .

The 3-part article appears at the links below:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/200807/parent-pleasing-people-pleasing-part-1-3

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/200807/parent-pleasing-people-pleasing-part-2-3

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/200807/parent-pleasing-people-pleasing-part-3-3

I offer this information, not to criticize you or suggest that you are the blame.  The info. can give you some insight into the role your son is likely playing in his relationship with his fiance.  Your son will have to come to his own realization about his role in the dysfunctional relationship with his fiance and a need to change. 

The information in the Psychology Today articles could be something for you to read and then take to a therapy session to discuss. 

[Panda39]

Thanks for the articles No-One, they should be very beneficial for many here.  I totally identify with them.

I experienced much of what was mentioned there even the rebellion as a teen.  I had a critical controlling mother that had to be right, that had to keep up appearances, that I had to be the perfect reflection of her values... .she chose all of that over her little girl. The sad thing was she was repeating the pattern of how she was raised.

I am happy to say the I broke the cycle.  My son has ADD and really struggled with school and I went into my mom's mode, it was all yelling, screaming and trying to control my son and his school work and all the while making him feel small and not smart. I was doing what I knew... .what I had modeled for me.  But after awhile I made the conscious choice to choose my relationship with my son over his school work.  I let him be responsible for his work. He graduated High School with a 1.something GPA but he graduated. (my mother expecting failure did not come out for his graduation)  He is now about to graduate from Community College with a 3.0 GPA.  We are close and I'm glad I chose him over his schoolwork.

I grew up with low self esteem (never good enough or smart enough), did the people pleasing thing, did the care taking thing, married an alcoholic, became co-dependent, did everything I thought everyone wanted me to do and came to resent it.

Finally at 47 I had a breakdown and breakthroughs and realized my true worth and things have been changing for the better ever since.  I am a wonderful person just as I am 

Thanks again for sharing.
Panda39

[Kwamina]

Hi Angie59

I believe there wasn't a parrot in this thread yet so I thought I'd join

Although I sincerely appreciate all of the replies I get, I am still feeling very misunderstood.
... .
My son's uBPD fiancee is a person who I have never come across in my life.  I could list all of her traits, but I have a feeling you already know them.

When people with BPD come into our lives, this can be a very difficult and often quite surreal experience. Perhaps you will find this thread helpful:
BPD in-laws: Experiences and coping strategies

Your son is engaged to be married and in that thread several members have talked about their experiences dealing with BPD in-laws. Members have also described their coping mechanisms which might be helpful to you as well.

I haven't posted in your thread before but I have followed the discussion. I think the situation you mention for you is not just about this particular issue, but also something that symbolizes the many concerns you have about what's going on with your son and his fiancé. This is not just about this particular issue, but more about how your whole reality seems to have changed ever since your son got involved with his uBPD fiancé. Would you say that this a correct assessment of what you are experiencing?

I'm sorry, mental disorder or not, she is a mean, evil person who knows how to mold my son into what she wants and is a terrible, terrible mother to her children.  They will be the ones to pay for all of this in the future.  

Whether we like someone else's behavior or not, we cannot control them or make them change if they don't want to. What we can do is focus on our own behavior and how we respond to them. One thing I think might help you, also to lessen your anxiety, is to try and focus your mind on the present and less on what might happen in the future. There are various scenarios that can play out, some might be negative but there can also be positive surprises. Things don't have to be the way they are right now forever and things can actually turn out differently than we might have anticipated. Bottom line is we don't know for certain what lies ahead and therefor it might be more effective and better for our well-being to focus our mind more on the present. How does that sound to you, do you think this is something that could help you?

No matter what your son's uBPD fiancé does, he is still an adult too which you also have acknowledged. Why is it that you think he is in this relationship? Do you perhaps feel like he is letting himself be controlled by his fiancé, possibly out of fear, obligation or guilt?

Take care

The Board Parrot