Recognizing improvement attempts of our significant other

[walkinthepark247]

hello all,

Things have been very busy in my life and with work. This is something I have meant to post for a while and didn't get around to it.

On this site, we can sometimes (speaking for myself) get so focused on how bad the situation is that we fail to recognize those instances when our significant other is trying to improve. We need to be just as cognizant of those improvement attempts as we are of the down times, IMHO.

To that end, what are some improvements or instances you have witnessed in which you can see your significant other trying to work through their emotions and regulate? It could be small or large. Just wondering what you all have seen that you recognized. Challenge: Have you always been ready to acknowledge the attempts to regulate?

I say this as someone who has really struggled with this myself. My spouse is undiagnosed. She still dysregulates often. Now, I have just learned to prepare myself for this. As I've shared many times prior, it is an improvement that the dysregulation has not turned physical for many, many months.

One improvement which I have noticed and acknowledged is that she is now coming to me at the end of the day and expressing her emotions to me if she dysregulates or gives me the silent treatment. This is a HUGE improvement from the past. While things aren't always 100% peachy, this is something that I acknowledge and I am proud of her for.

What do you have? You may be struggling through the midst of some very dark times and rolling your eyes at this post. If you want to truly improve the relationship, you need to make sure you haven't hardened yourself to such an extent that you fail / refuse to acknowledge if your spouse is attempting to regulate. Believe me, I'm not preaching. This is something I haven't always been good at either.

Have you noticed your significant other attempt to improve or regulate? Tell me what you've seen (big or small)?

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[pearlsw]

Hi walkinthepark, 

Nice post.   

I notice I'm a little grouchy lately. Probably because I'm uncertain about my relationship, future, work, and dealing with some pain issues. I'm not fully able to relax around my SO and he is pressuring me a bit about "our future".

Nevertheless, I have to admit he's done a fairly good job of "letting me" have my mood for the last two days without losing it or getting mad at me (for having emotions). He's even complimented me on being a nice/funny grouchy person.

I'm nervous and not able to get my hopes up, but at least he's being friendly and I can be me, a little bit.  I hate to get my hopes up too much with him only to have them dashed again and again... .We're trying to resolve (one way or another) some pretty big issues between us.

warmly, pearl.

[walkinthepark247]

pearl, I am so sorry to hear about the pain issues. I know how that can drag you down over time.

I also know the feeling of wanting to have hope but also being extremely cautious knowing that it can come tumbling down at any time. That's one of the hardest things for me.

[Bud w]

The day before we left to travel and get married a state over, my now wife was losing her grip. The boys were misbehaving, she was stressed, trying to finish everything before we left. Bankruptcy paperwork (we bith need a fresh start), filing my FMLA and shirt term disability for upcoming surgery, figuring out my insurance plans, figuring out a doctor for her so she can have a much needed surgery. Those are less than half of what we were trying to get done, ok top of the stress if trying to get everything ready to be married 36 hours later. It was a lot. She began getting loud, short and angry with all of us. I quickly realized this was gping to get worse, so I corralled the boys, and went into their room and read and watches some clubhouse with them. Keeping them occupied and minds off the storm blowing through outside. That night, as we sat dowm to our dinner, with the boys in bed, she apologized. Realizing that what went down cannot happen ever again. I can take the brunt of these, and always will and will be there to catch her when it's all over, and figure out how to move forward. But she agreed, that the boys cannot see that side again, nor should they ever be on the receiving end of it. She was horrified with how she acted and treated them with her yelling. She thanked me for intervening, and removing them both as they were another source if stress in that moment. I let her know I was proud of her, for being able to see her misstep and want to correct it. Seeing her realize and recognize her missteps is a good thing. She even is getting better at removing herself before these things happen, and I tell her I'm proud in those moments too.

[SunandMoon]

This is an excellent question, Walkinthepark and I'm happy for you that you are seeing improvements in your relationship too!

The biggie that I have noticed is how much less reactive my husband is these days. We haven't had a dysregulation incident for almost a year now and that's something that I honestly never believed was possible.

I have done heaps of learning and work over the years, including using the tools taught here and they really do make a huge difference. Particularly, refusing to engage in or stay around for yelling and raging, not getting into JADE or circular arguments, and not being invalidating.

However, around a year ago I noticed that all the work wasn't just coming from my side any more. I see him pick up the cue from me and follow it. If he raises his voice, I give one short warning, usually along the lines of "Speak calmly and I will listen" (that's not what's taught here but it's what has evolved from the longer version over the years). He knows I will leave the room and why. He also knows I will come back.

These days, he will usually lower his voice. Or more often, not even raise his voice!   We are having meaningful conversations, even disagreements, without him getting triggered. We can even agree to disagree! That is huge and I can see the effort he makes to stay open minded and respectful... .totally love him for it!

[boogs152]

I just love this post. It was inspiring to read a more positive thread. I’ve been with my BP man for seven months. It’s been really hard for me at times. I’ve been through many things that I’ve never been through emotionally since we met.
But I would like to say that’s he’s really trying. He’s seeing a clinical psychologist once a fortnight and actively practices grounding techniques.
I wish he had more empathy but hopefully in time he will soften.

Thanks again.

[ortac77]

This is a very positive thread and although it can be hard I think it important to acknowledge our pwBPDs efforts. It is definitely not a 'one way' street and I can see where my partner has worked with his therapist to help manage his dysregulation through my own therapy I can also see that I am part of the problem!

Not least that I can see that I am always wary about having too much hope for 'us' in the future, I am a pretty competent and self assured person and have laid in some definite plans for my retirement next year not least budgeting what is possible to live a reasonably comfortable life. The difficulty I perceive is that when I try to talk about these plans I am very conscious that my partner does not really want to engage.

I get it that change for him = threat to the status quo.

Experience has taught me that when I think we have agreed something at a later date I am told that it was never agreed/ I did not discuss it and then when things don't work out as he wanted it to then its all my fault.

Its a bit of a conundrum - I certainly see a happy retirement for me however it does not feel like we are planning things together and I question whether this is really possible?

[braveSun]

I have witnessed my spouse to modulate her harsh tone of voice once she was starting to criticize me over the phone. This has been a long road for us. She used to feel justified to attack my personality or the relationship when she felt triggered. Or give me orders around. Said it was because she had reasons to be angry.


Recently I saw her being more careful, more self-aware in her verbal communications.

She also has shared some of her deeper feelings, like her sadness in the morning, or her experience with her emotions going up and down so much.

Sometimes she has apologized, saying that she had 'been bad'. "Bad me", she would say. And I would not give her validation for the 'bad me' per se, but say that there was not a need to feel she was bad for that, only doing our best with our circumstances is better.

I must say that these moments of clarity or deeper truths I could witness are precious to me. I am very grateful for my spouse's communicated self awareness to me. Very. I felt a certain respect for her efforts.

  If you want to truly improve the relationship, you need to make sure you haven't hardened yourself to such an extent that you fail / refuse to acknowledge if your spouse is attempting to regulate.

This is something I am thinking about a lot. I don't want my refusal to accept her unfair/unfounded criticism to interfere with my own sense of responsibility in the relationship.

I am proud of my spouse's efforts every time she does. I usually feel a sense of great hope and relief inside. I am also so cautious that I may not have thought out yet how to express this gratitude to her in a way that doesn't make any of us think that we are acting 'normal again'. That would be a gross invalidating mistake.

I have read somewhere that some hospital workers, working with pwBPD patients were instructed to speak carefully to their patients at discharge. Like not telling them they had done very well and let them go thinking that all is normal again. Changing is a long term, committed, and sometimes scary process.  They said to let the patient know that they had performed solid efforts, and that there was still a lot of work ahead, but they had showed they had the wherewithal to do the work it takes. If they so chose to do it.

I like that type of validation.

Brave
 

[wendydarling]

Hello walk 

Wow, thank you. I've stepped over to Relationship from Son/Daughter forum.

What I have learnt on S/D is if you see some improvement (golden nuggets), there is much more happening, evolving.

The road is not linear, step forward, back. Most importantly is acknowledging we are all doing our very best.

And you are.

WDx