Do you Live Near or Far from Your FOO?

[Insom]

I know some of us live far away from our families of origin (FOOs).   Others live closer or even share a household.

Do you view your location - near or far from FOO - as something you chose?  Or did you end up there because of circumstances you didn't control?  Either way, how has where you live impacted your relationships with your FOO?  Has living near or far made things better or worse?

   

[Insom]

I'll kick things off:

FWIW, I live far away from my FOO.  While it wasn't a conscious choice to leave them behind, I think on a gut level I needed to move away to establish an independent life.

I see benefits and drawbacks to this life choice.  On one hand, living far away has pushed me to grow in ways I may not have had the opportunity to grow in if I'd stayed nearby.  Living away has also helped me shed depression.  On the other hand, it's also allowed me to defer dealing with difficult family issues.  It's only now, in my forties, that I'm looking deeply at generational problems that have baffled me for years.

Sometimes i wonder how things may have unfolded for me if I stayed close by.  Would living closer have forced me to address difficult issues sooner?  How would I feel if I hadn't made the choice to venture further afield?

[Turkish]

I'll give a history:

I moved 50 miles away to college when I turned 18 late that October after graduating high school. The commute was killing me with 18 units and since I was in a tech program, the lab hours required were far more than on paper.  Thus, hitting a deer going 60 mph on my motorcycle just before I was to turn 18 early that October,  totaling my bike,  wrecking my knee and killing the deer, was a boon. I was going to move out anyway but my mom reminded me I was hers until 18, which I now realize was a lot better than a lot of us here whose parents FOGed them to remain at home.

Three years later,  I moved another 60 miles West to the Silicon Valley to start my career. 

Five years later,  I had the opportunity to apply for a job at our company's start up fab on Oregon,  700 miles away,  give or take.  I had dreamed about Oregon,  having spent my teen years in the foothills and mountains of California.  I was sick of the city.  Almost every weekend I used to drive over two hours to return home.  Often I didn't visit my mom.  Small town.  She usually heard I was there.  I stayed with friends. 

Having the opportunity to go,  I fled. I didn't consciously run from my mother,  but rather all that she had put us through. There was also a girl,  unrequited love,  and the likely BPD lab partner I became much to close with, 14 years my senior,  I was also happy to get away from.  But overall Oregon was my dream.  The other was Alaska,  but now in middle age... .I might just take a cruise there. The cold might get to me. 

I think it is a quote from the movie Buckaroo Bonzai, which I've never seen: wherever you go,  there you are. 

It is true that I lived one dream. It is also true that my move improved my experiences and career (nothing like doing a factory start up!). The quote is also true. Thus, despite swearing to myself never to return to California,  I did so at age 30.

I wasn't dealing with the clingy and controlling parent as some of you do.  I did,  however,  let myself by dragged into my mother's tendency to take in dysfunctional Waifs. I rescued. 130 miles was suddenly not far enough.

Still a similar distance, I wish she hadn't made the choices she made that resulted in she losing her 5 acres in the mountains and ending up on a nursing home against her will being unable to function independently.  She's far enough away not to hurt me now as she could have done when she lived with me and the kids two years ago for four months.  We are safe.  Yet I still wish she were closer so we could visit her more often.  Yet maybe 130 miles is better. 

[Insom]

She's far enough away not to hurt me now as she could have done when she lived with me and the kids two years ago for four months.  We are safe.  Yet I still wish she were closer so we could visit her more often.  Yet maybe 130 miles is better.

  I love that you attached mileage to this and agree, 130 miles sounds perfect!  My parents who are divorced but still live near each other would probably agree.  Alas, after so many years of living much further away I have a hard time imagining going back and fitting in culturally and emotionally.  (Conflicted, obviously.)

[Learning2Thrive]

Far away. Far, far away as in thousands of miles. It impacted me by providing a natural barrier to her immediate access and that of her flying monkeys.

Even so it still took me more than 40 years to get to the truth and accept reality of uNPD/Sociopath mother.  Sibs that stayed are suffering more than I because she has access to other friends and family aka flying monkeys who heap addiction coals of bitterness, suffering and shame.

I have no desire to visit that area again until she’s dead. Probably will not go to her funeral. She’s done a number on dividing her grandchildren from their parents (sick gotcha game using the dangling carrot). I have no desire to watch the fallout when they realize she had them played all along (against each other).

[Turkish]

What's the dangling carrot,  inheritance?

[Learning2Thrive]

What's the dangling carrot,  inheritance?

Yep!

And in the meantime, she enjoys pitting them against each other in subtlety cruel ways. She did that with me and my Sibs until we finally figured out what was going on and put a stop to it (by then we were in our mid to late 30s).

Unfortunately, by that time we had already allowed her enough access to (most of) our kids that she was able to do some really ugly parental alienation stuff to undermine our relationships with our midteen to young adult kids. We didn’t know what we didn’t know until it was too late.

[Harri]

I lived with my parents until my mid to late 30's (with a three year stint out of state for undergraduate school and then I moved about an hour away when in grad school).  Once I moved out for good it was just one town over but about a 30 minute drive.  The distance helped quite a bit as I had no privacy anywhere in the house when I was living with my parents.  They still searched through my things and walked in on me trying to catch me doing something... .never really knew what they were looking for though.  So yeah, any distance was good for me.

My mother is the one who cut me off when i moved.  That lasted for maybe a year (?) before she would even look at me or talk civilly.  I did still have contact with my brother and father though so I did see her... .it was just very very tense.   

Moving away gave me a chance to begin to break away emotionally and learn who I was (still working on it).  I could breathe though it took me a while.  When I moved and my mom cut me off I think I stayed in a dissociated state for a long time.  I still worked and functioned fine but was numb, had difficulty concentrating.  for example I could not focus enough to read etc.  Maybe it was just depression, I am not sure.  It made sense to me then and even now that I would sort of shut down like I did.  One of my T's had warned me about it.  I looked at it as a temporary but necessary process.

 I now have the ultimate distance from my parents.  they are both dead... .yet I still struggle with emotional attachment and the damage resulting from my childhood.  It certainly keeps me busy!   

Turkish, the quote wherever you go, there you are. is attributed to Confucius though many people have said it... .including  Buckaroo Bonzai https://tinyurl.com/3db8hd         (I am so thankful someone taught me about tiny url!)

Learning2thrive, that is heartbreaking that she was able to extend the damage to the grandkids to such an extent. 

[Turkish]

I never thought to dig deeper on that quote.  Too lazy I guess,  which I've been accused of by multiple people over the years... .good research! I'll add it to my databank. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Although both of my parents are deceased now, I used to live FAR FAR away from my uBPDm, like 1200 miles away. I didn't know anything about BPD back in the 1980's, but I knew the farther away I lived, the less contact I'd have with her. Funny how instinctual it becomes to you. She and my step dad never ceased in trying to get me to move down there with her, close to my siblings and her. I knew that she'd have more control over me then. Never wanted to go there, ever.

[zachira]

I live 3000 miles away from my BPD mom and BPD siblings. My siblings have BPD traits and mom is full blown BPD and NPD. She often calls me and we talk for 2 minutes, then I make an excuse to get away because she is unable to have a healthy conversation with me. Mom does not see any of her children as separate people from her. She threw a fit that my brother liked a little girl when he was in kindergarten and has managed to keep all her children from marrying except my sister. My brother-in-law has put up with all kinds of crap from her. I will be visiting her once a week for three weeks this summer. I will be staying an hour away. I will visit when one of her caretakers is there, and mom will be better behaved with a non family member there. All so sad and painful! I would so much like to have a parent that I could love and comfort in later years, and it is not possible with mom as she has zero boundaries with her children. If I lived closer, I think I would lose my mind.

[hellebore1]

First I moved 300 miles away, then 1200.   Worked for a while, but then BPD enabling mom moved to my town!  She was NC with BPD brother at the time but it made me realize I was never going to be free of this mess, it was going to follow me around and I was going to be forced to deal with it.

I live in the same town with my FOO now, but only because of my incredibly supportive and tough as nails spouse.  I'm now NC with BPDB myself and have been for some years... .my mom finally went to therapy and started setting boundaries with BPDB so he's low contact with her now.  I certainly have moments where I wish I lived far from them, but seems like the die is cast, we've been here almost 20 years now.  Could move, but spouse's job... .what are you gonna do... .

[Insom]

Thanks for the comments, hellebore1, zachira, Woolspinner2000, Harri, Learning2Thrive and Turkish,


hellebore1:

my mom finally went to therapy and started setting boundaries with BPDB so he's low contact with her now.  I certainly have moments where I wish I lived far from them, but seems like the die is cast, we've been here almost 20 years now.  Could move, but spouse's job... .what are you gonna do... .

FWIW, what you've written sounds admirable to me.  Do you think you living nearby played a role in your mom getting into therapy?

zachira:

I will visit when one of her caretakers is there, and mom will be better behaved with a non family member there. All so sad and painful!

Yes, this is a strategy I also use.  (Parent is much better behaved when I don't visit alone.) 

My brother-in-law has put up with all kinds of crap from her.

May I ask how he's fared?   Has he held up well or suffered a lot?

Woolspinner2000

She and my step dad never ceased in trying to get me to move down there with her, close to my siblings and her. I knew that she'd have more control over me then. Never wanted to go there, ever.

I love your clarity!  I wish I felt the same but, alas, I feel guilt (that masks itself as nostalgia) about living away that I can't seem to shake.

Harri:

When I moved and my mom cut me off I think I stayed in a dissociated state for a long time.  I still worked and functioned fine but was numb, had difficulty concentrating.  for example I could not focus enough to read etc.  Maybe it was just depression, I am not sure.  It made sense to me then and even now that I would sort of shut down like I did.  One of my T's had warned me about it.  I looked at it as a temporary but necessary process.

Nice strength!  I appreciate the gradual approach you took and your ability to stick-with even when things felt hard.

 I feel conflicted because I know I could play a more meaningful role in my parents' lives by living closer but it's something I've chosen not to do even though meaningfulness matters very much to me.

[livednlearned]

I know I could play a more meaningful role in my parents' lives by living closer but it's something I've chosen not to do even though meaningfulness matters very much to me.

I just wanted to say thanks for writing this

I live 3000 miles away from my family in another country. My mom is pathologically codependent, brother is uBPD, father is something, I'm not sure what exactly. Whatever he is, I ended up married to (now divorced) from a full-blown n/BPD husband who was a perfect combination of my brother/dad.

My SO and I are thinking about retiring within a few hours travel of where my parents live. I haven't seen my dad for 7-8 years, and it looks like I might see him this summer. I have to talk to my therapist about the smallest things, like whether to meet for breakfast or dinner, where to sit, whether to go for a walk or be indoors, whether to hug him or not, how much notice to give them, whether to see him at the beginning or the end of the trip, whether it's ok to lie about being there.

I can do all kinds of adult things in every part of my life, far beyond what I ever thought possible to achieve for myself, and yet when it comes to visits with them, I am filled with doubts.

If I am to have a meaningful role in their lives, I sure hope I can figure out how to be emotionally resilient when I'm around them.

Picking a place that's a few hours away feels like a tolerable psychological distance. I have always felt the need to get myself somewhere safe, and now that I can do that as an adult, it does feel like I can be closer without it being too toxic and dangerous for me.

[hellebore1]

FWIW, what you've written sounds admirable to me.  :)o you think you living nearby played a role in your mom getting into therapy?

Thanks insom!  yes, definitely my living nearby played a huge role.  How shall I put this:  I did everything in my power to force Mom to get help.  Actually my going NC with my half-sib
"A" was a part of this, because as so often happens to siblings of BPD, I had been enlisted at a young age to help Mom manage A.  Even more so than others b/c Mom had a bad relationship with my dad and since I was the only one related to all three of them (both parents and A), man oh man did I get pulled in every direction.

(Here's my whole story: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=325477.msg12971917#msg12971917)

When things started to really get bad around the time my dad died, it occurred to me that the only way I might be able to get my mom to break through her denial and face reality about A's behavior was to make her deal with it alone.  She had enabled him to such a degree, you wouldn't believe (well, maybe people *here* would believe, the general public wouldn't.)  

Honestly I went NC with my mom off and on for a long time too.  I made it clear to her that she could let A drag her down financially and emotionally, but he wasn't going to drag ME down, either directly or by using her as a proxy.  I'm not proud of this but another piece of the puzzle is that as Mom ages she gets more concerned re: who's going to take care of her since there's no money for assisted living (guess who got it all over the years as she supported him and paid his bills?)  If she wants my help, there are certain conditions.  Of course it was really hard at first, but now that I've been setting firm boundaries for 15+ years now it's gotten lots easier.   My one real hard and fast about A is that I will not be in a room with him, period, ever again, unless I have cold hard concrete proof that he is in counseling.  

Even though I realize BPD is pretty resistant to therapy, at least that would show me that there's at least some acknowledgement there's a problem and that he's not always going to play the helpless victim in our family dynamic (I shudder even writing this - he's a monster in many ways.  I don't hate him because I know he's mentally ill, but I also don't anticipate my having much of a relationship with him again - although life is long and I suppose you just never know.)