Welcome, jii!
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. Is your ex diagnosed? It's so frustrating when you know in your heart that you want to connect and have harmony with someone you care about, but in practice, it's not always so easy, especially with complex and sensitive personalities.
Quiet BPD's (my partner is also one) usually do internalize a lot and turn their negative feelings inwards, not always "exploding" as some other types might. This can also be destructive, because they inflict a lot of shame and misery upon themselves, and eventually do need a time and place to vent. Like a pressure cooker, the lid cannot stay on forever. Often we have no idea how much they are struggling internally, because they can hide it so well... .until they can't. It is hard to know for certain what is causing the hurt and pain he is showing you, other than BPD is a complex disorder, deeply rooted in shame, fear, and often old traumas. Anything can trigger the pain, (usually people they care about, sadly and ironically) but the "cause" is typically the disorder itself.
Why do you think he has been hanging around your old haunts? Do you think he wants to try to re-establish contact but doesn't have the skills to do it? Maybe he feels insecure and afraid you will reject his attempts to talk to you so he "rejects you" first by being rude? <-- In a weird way, this is still a from of reaching out, though not always the most effective.
How long ago did you guys break up? What has he been saying when he runs into you that's snide toward you? How have you handled it?
I notice you are on the "bettering board", so would you want to reconcile the relationship if possible? (Sorry for all the questions! Take your time.)
Also have a look at the tools on the right of the board. They are really helpful when it comes to de-escalating conflict, or even avoiding it. They also teach a lot about BPD itself, and how to relate to highly sensitive people.
You came to the right place!
- BD
