Dad fight (aka happy father's day)

[etown]

Hi everyone,
I'm between counselling appointments and I could really use some commiseration/support around this fight I had with my dad last weekend. See, it's actually my mom who is BPD diagnosed, but he has some serious mental health issues of his own that have really affected my life. He left my mom when I was small, married her friend, had a baby, then divorced her too. I'd always assumed he'd left her, but I gather she kicked him out. Now I know why. He then sort of disappeared. I didn't hear from him again until I was 17 and didn't see him (we lived in different places) until I was 19.
Since we reconnected, I've gone to visit him many times hoping to build a real relationship. It's actually been almost 20 years. In that time, I've travelled across country once every 2 or 3 years. He's come to visit me twice. He actually refuses even to step foot in the city where I currently live (have lived for almost 10 years) because something happened to him on vacation here when he was 19.
Over the years, I've felt so unnecessary to him, like my presence was barely tolerated. He talks about himself incessantly and tends to ignore what I say when I talk about even casual things. I just kept thinking, this is how to be a good daughter. This is how I keep a relationship going with my father.
Basically, he refuses to go out of his way. He barely acknowledges me when I'm around, but gets super upset when I hang out with anyone else, including my ex-step family (who I've known all my life), my half brother, and my grandmother. He wants me to act like his daughter, but he doesn't want to act like a father.
Still, I've been working on being more honest about my feelings with people lately. As the eldest child it a very dysfunctional family, I've carried a lot of responsibility and some pretty debilitating abandonment issues. It's made it hard for me to be direct with people, which has led to me allowing some nasty boundary crossing as well as some serious health issues. It's even affected my professional life. Basically, I need to learn to be more direct. But he makes it so hard.
The other weekend, I went to my step-sister's wedding in his city and he got totally upset. When I asked if he wanted to meet up, he said he'd be at his cabin. I was really hurt, but I didn't want to deal with it, so I just left it. I didn't say anything, but I unfollowed him on instagram because I couldn't stand to see his face.
So he calls on Sunday, upset that I unfollowed him on instagram and that I'm not look at his photos. He asks me why and I just lost it. I just laid out everything that I was angry about, all the years I'd been travelling across country, bankrupting myself to keep our relationship going while he couldn't be bothered to visit me or support me in any way (emotionally or financially).
He got angry back, kept finding ways to say none of it was his fault, blaming it on my mom, his second ex-wife, even my half-brother who is eight years younger than me. He kept gaslighting me about my own experiences, changing his story, being sarcastic. I got so frustrated that I hung up on him.
I need to be clear, I'm not usually the sort of person who yells at people. I don't normally hang up on people. It was like he just hit me with a rage lazar.
The thing is, I feel like it's the first honest conversation we've ever had. I'm not proud of how I went about it, but it felt like I was loosening up decades of heartbreak and beginning to let it go.
Then a couple of days later, he emails me dismissing everything I said and accusing me of not respecting him because he's not successful enough, which is both not true and just so beside the point.
In the end, I'm just so damned heart broken and angry over all this. I feel like such a fool for spending so much time and money and effort on a relationship that was always so one-sided. I don't have a relationship with my mother, and now I feel like I've lost even the tiniest hope of ever having a real relationship with my father. It's taking up a huge amount of my brain space. How do I get through father's day? Why aren't I able to move past all this? I feel like I've worn my friends out on this topic, but it's all I can think about, you know?
So commiseration would be much appreciated.

[Harri]

Hi etown.  I am glad you came back here to talk with us about this.  I can hear the hurt in your post and I am so sorry your father (and mother for that matter) are unable to value you and love you the way you should be valued and loved.  Your fathers behavior makes no sense and is hurtful. 

The thing is, I feel like it's the first honest conversation we've ever had. I'm not proud of how I went about it, but it felt like I was loosening up decades of heartbreak and beginning to let it go.

Yes, this does sound like the beginning of letting go.  I've done what you did, lost my temper, hung up, walked out.  Not exactly proud moments for me, but years later i still don't regret them.  I used these sort of incidents as fuel to keep separating myself from my family and unhealthy ties.   You are not alone.  Any time someone posts here about losing their temper or yelling, I usually want to say 'way to go'.  So I'm saying it to you.  Holding in the hurt and anger is not healthy and it has to come out some way.  After holding it all  in for a lifetime sometimes it comes out sideways.  We can work with that.    

I feel like such a fool for spending so much time and money and effort on a relationship that was always so one-sided.

I understand why you feel this way and I can imagine feeling the same... .but then you need to remind yourself that it is not foolish to do your best to have a relationship with someone.  And it is not foolish to try a few times before realize things just aren't going to be the way you want them to be.  I think it is natural and normal to want and try to have a relationship with your dad.  It takes time to accept certain truths.  It is human and there is not one foolish thing about it.

What can you do to help yourself wind down from all of this?  Can you think of something to do on father's day that *you* want to do and that honors the truths you have come to face about your parents?  Or maybe do something that does not concern them at all.  The choice is yours.

 

[Turkish]

I might feel like a fool putting in that much work (time,  money,  emotions) only not to have even the feelings reciprocated. Like Harri said,  I don't think it was foolish to try and do the right things. 

Without judging either him or you,  you're both hurt, you both  retreated, then lashed out at each other.  Would you feel better by doing something small?

[Harri]

Hi etown. 

How are you doing today?  I've been thinking about you and hope you are faring well today.  If or when you feel like it, post an update.  It would be great to hear more from you.

[HappyChappy]

Hey Etown,

I am so sorry you are having to go through this, your fathers behaviour does sound very selfish, very NPD in honesty. Its only natural for you to want a healthy relationships with your parents, and as you have been denied this with your mother due to BPD, I guess it puts more pressure on you to want to make it work with your father. But I would agree with Harri, it does sound like you have begun detachment and who could blame you. As you rightly point out you have done all the running, but for what ? If you put that sort of investment into a friend, you would probably get a much better return.

I must admit, accepting that my family members were not going to change, and therefore would continue to damage my mental health was the biggest sticking point. But once you get past that, its wonderful. Sounds like your parents never deserved you. Like you say, if he can’t act like a father, why treat him like one. Does any of this resonate with you ? Do you feel that detaching might be in your best interest ? The best thing for your health ? Once you’ve detached and healed and are less bothered or triggered by it all, it might be easier for you to deal with all this ? As we get older, typically our appetite to change goes, so do you think your Father will ever change ? If not, what do you think would be in your own best interest to do ?

[etown]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. They really helped. Honestly, it just felt good to put that all down. Not that everything's better now, but writing it with an audience in mind made me realize once again just how messed up the whole situation is. It's so easy to get trapped in my head with this, to just play out the same argument over and over, trying to find ways to get him to understand. But you're right. He's probably never going to change.
I've been thinking about detaching from him as I mostly have from my mom, but it feels like admitting failure, which is something I'm not great at. I tend to be really tenacious, holding on to things long after they've stopped working, convinced I can fix them. Gee, I wonder where that comes from?
Anyway, I spent the weekend with friends, trying to keep away from the topic as much as possible. It's tricky because my partner lost is father a few months ago, so we're both in very raw places around the subject of dads, but for vastly different reasons.
I have a counselling appointment next month where I'll be able to talk this all out. Until then, I'm just going to keep writing things down and being nice to myself, I guess. Thanks again for listening.

[Harri]

Honestly, it just felt good to put that all down. Not that everything's better now, but writing it with an audience in mind made me realize once again just how messed up the whole situation is.

Posting does help doesn't it?  Posting to others is what helped me to reach out to others for help after being here a while.  I found replying to others to be almost more helpful as I had to pull in my emotions and focus on the concrete.  It helped me to stop the endless ruminating and problem solving that happened in my head.   

I hung in with lost causes too, not wanting to admit defeat and wanting instead to figure out a way to make things right.  It finally clicked when my T said "Harri, you are way out of your league and they will run circles around you".  She is so right. 

Until then, I'm just going to keep writing things down and being nice to myself, I guess. Thanks again for listening.

It is good you will return to counseling.  We can help support you until then and even during any counseling as well.  I made a lot of progress just on the boards before getting back into counseling.  So please feel free to continue to post and help others as well.

[etown]

Thanks, Harri. That's really really helpful.
I've considered posting on other people's threads, but I feel like I don't have much in the way of answers. In the last few years, I've had to remove myself from my mom, brother and now father, and it's just exhausting.
Last year, my brother was arrested for assaulting his girlfriend. This wasn't the first accusation like this--he's had restraining orders out on him before. He's a bodybuilder with a terrifying temper and the emotional maturity of a 12-year-old. My mom took it very badly and went on a social media campaign to drag the poor girl who seemed to have some serious mental health issues herself. I live in a different city than they do (for a good reason), but the ensuing drama was still a nightmare. That was when I realized it was time to tap out altogether.
It's weird because I've always felt like a spare appendage, trailing along my family's cyclone. Here I am trying to be a functional human being while they create one absurd disaster after another. My mom's severe hypochondria and neverending medical issues (including elective surgeries and compulsive skin picking so she's constantly bleeding). My brother's rage. My father's indifference and self-pity. There's no room left for me.
None of them seem particularly interested in me except as a receptacle for their misery or vanity. I know detaching is the right move, but I guess I'm well-trained. I don't even know how to ask for what I want. Or I guess I'm just learning.

[Harri]

I've considered posting on other people's threads, but I feel like I don't have much in the way of answers.

  I think you have more to offer than you realize actually.  Support, understanding, letting someone know you can relate... .all of that is so necessary for everyone who posts on this board.  Sometimes just the way you may word something clicks and can make a huge difference in centering someone or changing perspective.

You've certainly had a lot to deal with in terms of your family members.  What sort of things have you done to detach so far and what else do you think you want to work on?

[etown]

That's a good point. I'll keep responding when I can. Maybe it'll get some of my self-assurance back? I've really been low on that lately.

You've certainly had a lot to deal with in terms of your family members.  What sort of things have you done to detach so far and what else do you think you want to work on?

So far, I've cut off all social media contact because that was making our interactions far too unpredictable. I haven't spoken to my mother or brother since Christmas. She was all bubbly and completely ignored all the turmoil (as usual). He seemed like he was in a really dark place, but when he started saying violent things about his ex, I said I didn't want to talk about it and he hung up on me. In the past, I would have tried to reason him through it and we probably either have ended up in a fight. So this felt like the right move. I've never told either of them not to contact me. They just haven't and I'm mostly fine with that. I worry about them, but I also know that there's nothing I can do to help them.

As for my father, the last communication I've had with him was that nasty email last week. I just don't know what to say to it. On the advice of my counsellor, I've been writing down everything I'd like to say in a letter that we'll go through at my next appointment.

Their hold on me is internal, I guess. Given that, I wonder if true detachment is every really possible. But I'd like to lessen the power they have over my brain so I can start to feel more confident, I guess. I've kind of retreated from the world in the last few years and I need to figure out how to return to it.

[Turkish]

Thanks, Harri. That's really really helpful.
I've considered posting on other people's threads, but I feel like I don't have much in the way of answers.

etown, more significant than answers,  people need to be heard,  especially those with BPD in the family who've been trained to tolerate dysfunction and stay silent, told implicitly or explicitly that their opinions (and therefore they as people) don't matter.  This board is your voice.  So say we all.  The more people that post to others,  especially newbies,  realize that they aren't alone.  What you have to contribute has value because you have value