Eager to learn more. Right now I feel pretty drained

[eeps]

hi, i have been in a difficult relationship for 2.5 years and recently started seeing a therapist for the first time.  through that i was empowered to get my boyfriend and i into couples counseling, which felt like a major victory & finally a step in the right direction! we've only had 2 sessions so far, but i just had an individual meeting with our counselor and she recommended i read Stop Walking on Eggshells. i got it right away and it's ringing so so SO many bells! i'm relieved to have some answers, but also very overwhelmed to realize that my boyfriend more than likely has BPD. i'm eager to learn more... .and figure out if i have the emotional strength and energy to continue with this relationship. right now i feel pretty drained.
looking forward to reading other's stories and learning from y'all.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

  Welcome eeps.

It's great that you and your boyfriend are doing counseling. That shows an openness on his part. Lots of people with BPD (pwBPD) are unwilling to see a therapist.

Yes, being in a relationship with a pwBPD presents lots of complications that relationships with healthy people don't have. What helps is learning tools to communicate with your significant other. You'll learn a lot by reading and posting here.

There's a ton of great information on this site. Please take a look at the sidebar on the right. And keep posting more of your story and reading other people's accounts.

Cat

[pearlsw]

Hi eeps,



Indeed, I agree, it does take a lot of emotional strength for such relationships. Even the strongest of us can be pushed well beyond our limits at times - that's for sure!

What would say makes the relationship so difficult? What kinds of behaviors are you experiencing with him?

What do you currently do to keep your strength/health for this?

take care, pearl.

[eeps]

well, right now so many things make the relationship difficult! it's hard to know where to even begin.
when we fight, which is often lately, things definitely turn very non-rational pretty quickly and that's hard for me to understand. i'm not one to lose my temper, but he is. and he will keep an argument going for many many hours. there's usually no end, and they're usually very late at night. he'll keep me up until he feels satisfied, and won't let me come up for air or leave the room. he calls me names, and i just can't believe that he can act so childish and mean and then turn around and be so needy and expect me to not be hurt by how he treats me.
thankfully our couples counselor gave us some guidelines for what to do in an argument that include taking 20 minute time-outs, so now i feel like i have a neutral 3rd party telling him that it's ok for me to ask for a break. that helps.
i often feel trapped in his need to talk everything through in unending circles, him accusing me of not having his back, and not taking care of him enough.
i'm a very independent minded person... .and that's something that i think he admired about me in the first place, but now i feel like that's being taken away from me.
i started seeing my own therapist about a month ago and plan to continue as long as i can afford it. and my boyfriend does go out of town for work semi-frequently, so that helps. but that also accentuates his affect on me. when he's out of town, my life goes back to "normal" i feel lighter, i do what i want, buy the groceries i want, watch whatever movies i want, see whatever friends i want, the house is tidy... .and then when he comes back home, i brace myself for the rollercoaster.
our couples counselor thinks i need to work on setting boundaries. i definitely agree, i'm bad with that in general. but now that i understand that there might be something more serious than just bad relationship dynamics going on, it's that much more important that i learn how to set boundaries.

[pearlsw]

Hi eeps,

I'm a little short on time, must rush to work, but I see you are online so want to offer you these two tools for now and ask what you think of them, if they could help your situation perhaps? I know they have helped me tremendously!

Don't JADE.

Validation

warmly, pearl. 

[eeps]

thank you so much, pearl! i'll read through these links now

[livednlearned]

Hi eeps,

Welcome and hello 

Sometimes the late-night fighting is fueled by a fear of abandonment (e.g. feeling abandoned by someone going off to sleep), plus the unresolved stressors of the day.

He's fighting so that he will not be alone.

If he can keep you awake, then he is spared from that feeling.

Getting you to stay up is a test to see if you will abandon him. If you stay up, he is worthy. If you go to sleep, he is unlovable.

What is your routine like before bed? Is there a typical night that you feel comfortable sharing here? Maybe we can help think together what communication or relationship skills might prevent things from getting worse.

[eeps]

a big part of the problem (now that i am beginning to know what the problem is!) is that there is no typical night. i'm an artist and a freelancer, i work from home a lot, and i have no consistency in my schedule. none. i personally thrive this way, although i do struggle with structuring my time wisely. but, if left to my own, i get everything done and i'm adept at multi-tasking. we live in a big city, & i also dj at bars (about once a week) so that has me out until 4am sometimes.
he is a musician, and when he's not on the road, he's at home a lot. so, we tend to spend too much time together when he's home. and i can tell that he looks to me to create structure for him, but i clearly haven't provided that.


our relationship beginnings are pretty odd also.
we've known each other for years as casual acquaintances in the same social circles, he was married & i knew his wife as well as him. i was looking for a roommate about 3 years ago, and to my surprise he responded... .he and his wife were divorcing. (they were married for 7 years and together since he was 20 or 21 i believe) he was a great roommate and we became very close buddies, and about 6 months into living together, we became romantically involved. i didn't see or experience any signs of his anxiety problems before we became involved, but they crept up shortly after. i thought it was just anxiety, and i also understood that he was fresh out of a marriage, so i tried to proceed cautiously and with a lot of understanding. but i think being an instant live-in couple puts a ton of stress and heaviness on any relationship. i wish i hadn't been so naive about how much that would affect everything.

the real struggles began about a year in when a weird situation happened when we were out at a bar (that i dj at) and he was very drunk & ended up yelling at me and he got kicked out of the bar. i stayed and was consoled by friends, and he has since then perceived that as me abandoning him. he focused on me not leaving with him rather than everything that led up to him getting kicked out. from that point on, we have fought more often and behavior that i can now identify as BPD has been present all the time.

as i type this out, it seems like such a recipe for disaster. i feel like he sees me as the replacement wife, and i resent that. but i also see how i willingly walked into such a problematic relationship. i have read codependent no more, and want to figure out what it is about me that is willing to take the abuse. i don't even know how to begin to set boundaries, and will definitely be working on that. but this feels very daunting. i don't know if this relationship was ever a good idea in the first place!

thank you all for being here and being so supportive.

[livednlearned]

A really good companion book to Codependent No More is Attached by Amar Levine.

It helps explain the kinds of attachment issues we have, how our attachment issues may determine the partners we seek, and the kinds of behaviors in those relationships that float up when out attachment stuff is triggered, especially when there is emotional intimacy.