BPD ex partner has finished DBT course but is constantly criticising everyone

[Scarletstar]

Hi all,

I’m hoping some of you may have experienced this and might be able to provide some advice...

I have a BPD fiancé of 5 years, he was diagnosed a year ago. He accepted his diagnosis and threw himself into group DBT. So all good, things made sense but we were still having lots of BPD behaviour so decided to separate and co parent apart, with the mindset of reuniting at some point in the future.

We’ve been spending some time together with our young son and have been getting on okay but my BPD partner has started to become a bit self righteous... A bit like a reformed smoker, if that makes sense.  He’s been great at going to his therapy and trying to use the skills everyday but he is being increasingly critical towards people - especially me.

For example, we were in the car, I was driving and a young man in a car behind us was driving incredibly, dangerously fast. As he swerved past us to overtake us I commented ‘wow, he’s driving like a lunatic!’

There followed a lecture from my BPD partner about the fact that I was being judgemental, negative, etc... I was asked could I not please, because he can’t be around judgemental people.

He used to be incredibly judgemental but I’ve never really been that way. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. For example, that guy in the car - I actually wondered why he would be driving so crazily and thought he might be rushing to the hospital or something... I generally do think that about people like that on the road and just get  out of their way.

Anyway, my point is that I can’t seem to have a normal comversation with him anymore. I came down with our son one morning and said to my BPD partner (I was smiling whilst saying it) ‘Our son was a little monster last night!’ (Because he’d had me up three times.) Wow, the reaction was intense. I was told in no uncertain terms not to talk about his son like that. I was being SO negative and judgemental. He said our son wasn’t green with spikes like a monster... I pointed out that it was just a figure of speech and asked him whether him calling the traffic a ‘nightmare’ was judgemental... Obviously that was perfectly acceptable.

It really is getting difficult to talk about anything! My friend is going through a divorce but I can’t even  say her husband is being ‘quite nasty’ to her - apparently yet again I’m being judgemental...

Have any of you experienced anything like this? It’s utterly frustrating. I know that I’m not a judgemental person. I’m very ‘live and let live’ but I obviously have opinions on things. He seems to believe that every opinion is ‘judgemental’ and pulls me up on it!  

Help!

SS XX

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[pearlsw]

Hi SS,

Well that does sound frustrating! It would irritate me too!

There is not much to do though, but to step up your game I think! I know someone who has experienced a lot of violence in their life and it has suddenly made me aware of how much careless speech I am carrying around from life in my home country that I want to purge now because of it. I don't want to make casual comments or jokes about violence. I want to be better on this point. I want a violence free life in terms of ugliness in speech.

It might not be what you want to hear, but, for a day, you might try to take his point and just make some adjustments on your speech. What does it sound like and feel like when/if you do? You don't have to keep doing it, or do it at all! But sometimes I find that rather than be defensive it is worth trying another route.

Years ago I would tell my SO he was not so appreciative, so he turned the criticism on me. Instead of defend/argue back I thought you know what? I'm going to be more appreciative of him and see what happens, and you know what? It actually brought more happiness into our lives and made him more appreciative of me which made me more appreciative of him. So now I am glad he said what he said. I started to thank him for everything I could think of. He now expresses more gratitude than he would have otherwise I am sure.

just my thoughts for the day!

take care, pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi SS, this is a unique situation I have not encountered and indeed sounds very frustrating.

 To me it sounds like the DBT has not so much improved the BPD but modified it since you are still on the receiving end of exaggerated or unreasonable criticism. 

Has the DBT led to improvements in other aspects of his behavior? Do you think that maybe he is projecting  feelings of being accused of being judgmental onto you?

~ROE