help with emotional abuse recovery and finding social support

[tin]

I am in the process of ending a relationship with someone who was emotionally abusive, and who fits the bill for Borderline (diagnosed). We were together for 8 years and when I tried to get some separate space from him, the angry and controlling side of him started to escalate. When I started opening up I keep getting questioned on why I stayed as long as I did.

In reading through articles and forums I did notice some things that left me hesitating to commit to the relationship. I do think I was dissociating and in denial in some ways, I do think I felt weird and noticed him mirroring and idealizing/devaluing. I don't think I was obvious to that or our codependency. I do feel rather anxious and depressed now, but glad and grateful to have separated- just sold the house we bought together 3 years ago.  

While friends have tried to be supportive to both of us, I do see how he is playing the victim and turning the few friends I did feel close to and comfortable being myself and feeling like myself around. He has always been charismatic and outgoing but very short tempered.

I have been disappointed in sharing with friends that he was emotionally abusive- physically blocking and emotionally blocking me when I tried to leave, threatening to kill himself whenever I tried to leave, cheating on me and blaming me, driving dangerously when I was in the car and he got angry, etc. And yet they feel sorry for him and want to support him. Our couples counselor informed me that his actions amount to emotional abuse and that since he is manipulative and doesn't have a clear grasp on the situation it's best to cut out 'mutual friends'. I feel very isolated as a result- I don't feel situated to make new friends or connect with people I am not already close/comfortable with while suffering from anxiety and depression- I simply don't enjoy or relax with new/unfamiliar people- which I would love to work on changing and recover my self esteem and more inner peace and physical and emotional health but would love a better support system and community of people who are able to calmly listen, unconditionally accept me as I am, and not blame/judge me for what I have been through- the ways I was manipulated and allowed myself to stay in an unhealthy and damaging relationship for so long.

I did feel confused by his continual efforts to turn the blame on me for any of his issues, anger, actions and inability to follow through on his promises and commitments. I did feel (and still feel) the fog of fear, obligation and guilt.

What next now that I accept that this was emotional abuse and that I want to end the relationship? Do I need to cut out all of our mutual friends and start over? How do I recover my emotional well being if I feel isolated and without community when that is such an important part of mental health? How do I overcome my social anxiety and insecurities while recovering from this?

I have been neglecting my health- physically and emotionally. I've had insomnia and acne (and a lot of resulting scars) and headaches and stomachaches and it's so hard to leave the house and/or get out of bed. It's overwhelming and embarrassing to have to face people the way I look and feel. I am irritable, suspicious and tense.

I have been trying to do things I used to enjoy and take pride in but I feel so low. I have been trying to find a therapist, dentist (I have been neglecting this for a long time and my teeth are overcrowded and look terrible with my wisdom teeth not removed, and feel anxious about facing a dentist and dealing with it), going to a doctor or dermatologist. I am trying to breath deep. I am trying to do more yoga and stretching. Getting outside and going for walks, going to yoga classes, going to work (meetings, giving presentations, making decisions, staying focused and productive etc.) feels difficult if not impossible. Will exposure to people help ease my social anxiety and make it easier, or is it hurting my mental health to push myself in ways that are stress and anxiety provoking?

I want to travel, find myself, get healthy, eat healthy but it all feels scary and overwhelming and I so wish my supposed friends would take my hand and help me through it. But they choose to support him, and I feel afraid to confide and spend time with people in contact with him. He interrogates them on what I am doing, thinking, where I am living, who I am associating with etc. Even if they are able to keep secrets and lies for me, he still tries to read between the lines and draw conclusions about me. I have had to block him over and over and over again because he continued to message me from different accounts. It finally has stopped after I started forwarding his emails to both of our parents. I continually tried to set and enforce boundaries and had them violated so have decided once the fiances are settled it needs to end. He hurled accusations, blame screamed in my face 'don't you dare break my heart', tried to pressure me into staying with him all while making me out to be a terrible person and partner, and blocked me physically from leaving- during our last couples counseling session after I made steps to separate since living together was making me continually anxious and stressed and walking on eggshells.

What was it like for you once you left an emotionally abusive partner? How did you rebuild your life and yourself? How did you face yourself after neglecting yourself for so long? I have been out of shape, weak, eating unhealthy, not sleeping etc. I don't like myself and feel that others won't like me. I want to take steps to live healthier and be less isolated and build a stronger community but those things feel overwhelming on my own.

People have offered to help but I feel too overwhelmed and anxious to accept and follow through- and when I do I just feel worse.

I feel guilty about the way I acted and treated my ex- I was angry, spiteful, resentful and critical. He has been damaging and harmful to me, but I am not proud of how I handled it either. There was a lot of avoidance and passive aggressiveness on my end. I had pre existing insecurities and some anxiety and depression when we started dating, but over time and as i accumulated more and more trauma it certainly became much much worse. I do want to take responsibility for allowing myself to stay in the situation and allowing myself to be treated this way- though I have tried to fight it and to address it and to leave it. I want to forgive myself and forgive him.

I find myself resentful and lashing out at friends who i felt close to, who are choosing to support him and coddle him as he plays the victim role. Who i have informed of the emotional abuse and my anxiety and depression, and my stress around being alone all the time, and having to deal with unfamiliar people.  I am trying to be grateful for the people who have shown up in my life are trying to be caring and supportive but they often make me feel worse. I feel anxious around them and they are not the people i felt close to and comfortable with. I feel that since he is extremely outgoing, makes new friends instantaneously, opens up about his emotions and our relationship problems with random strangers- and then hooks up with those random strangers (which happened multiple times throughout our relationship) and since he has said many critical and judgmental and hateful things about these 'friends' who he is choosing to rely on- who are the people i felt safest with, and wish i could rely on. I am not trying to be demanding or possessive i just feel abandoned in my time of need by the people who i could really use right now. My attempts to be open with them about this have gone horribly. I wonder if me expressing my neediness, my anxiety/depression, what i have been through, what i need from them, why i need them specifically bc talking to new people about my personal ___ is something i really have been trying and finding draining/damaging... .i do somehow wish that they could relate to what i need and be there for me.

i feel like I am pressuring them to take sides since i have set the boundaries that anyone who continues talking to my abuser and
spending time with him I can't trust. he is persuasive and manipulative and does not want the relationship to end, and is triggered in feeling abandonment issues and suicidal by me leaving him. i understand their desire to help but do not understand why it is more important to them than not causing me harm by leaving me isolated when I've been dealing with a great deal of social anxiety and would really benefit from those people who i felt close and comfortable with.

I know i would much rather be in a position where i am not so needy, not so divisive, not having to make people choose sides in who they can talk to, but after everything i have been through and my safety planning with my counselor it feels like i am stuck.  i am stuck where i don't feel safe with people who are supporting my abuser. i don't feel safe around new/unfamiliar people. i don't feel supported and I feel isolated.

perhaps just really really focusing on making the most of the time to myself. on journaling. on making appointments and facing people. on breathing through my anxiety. on doing things that are comforting and pacing myself on challenging myself to do things that are scary/difficult but i think would be healthy- traveling, going outside, interacting with people, getting treatments.

i had a couple camping trips and travel plans with old friends. but i've had to cancel them bc they chose to stay in contact and spend time with and support my abuser. Is it unreasonable for me to feel betrayed by my old friends who made this choice? Should I expect people to believe me when I say he was abusive, when I myself have been mean towards my abuser too? Should I expect people to spend time with me when I am tired, anxious, irritable, depressed and unpleasant to be around? Am I being paranoid and unreasonable? Am I placing too much emphasis on having community, having support, and having old friends around to go out with to help me feel more comfortable?

I feel lonely and miss my old life. I miss my old self. I know in the long run separating from him is for the best, but I'm struggling to get through this transition. I am struggling with accepting that the person I loved for so long was so unhealthy. I am struggling the fact that the close friends who told me about borderline personality, who told me they believe he has it, who opened up my eyes to the situation, have turned their backs on me and chosen to be a part of his journey and spend their time with him while ignoring my requests to spend time together. I fear for them and their well being for being around him and potentially manipulated by him. I feel having everyone I've ever known turned against me. I've seen how he's done this to many others who he was formerly close- how he bad mouthed them to everyone, fixated on everything that's wrong with him. he's confident and smart and articulate and charismatic. he's a therapist himself and teaches meditation. I'm awkward and shy and soft spoken and reserved. I worry about being cut off from everyone i love and trust.

He is very manipulative and uses his expertise in psychology, mindfulness, self help, and health against people. I have had a lot of barriers towards self help because of the ways he used these things to blame me for his anger, cheating, and emotional abuse. the way he criticized, judged, and shamed me for my depression and anxiety which intensified my symptoms and barriers to making healthy choices.

My family is around and wants to support me but they are unhealthy and toxic themselves. I am 30 and they continue to treat me as a child. They help me but also don't seem to trust me and then hold it against me with anger and resentful for the help they've given me. They tease me and my mistakes and flaws, bicker and fight continuously, and while i love them and appreciate them i know they are unhealthy to spend too much time around.

it's been helpful to discover forums like this, and to discover the experiences i've undergone, and the ways he has behaved follow such a predictable and universal pattern. But it also feels somewhat unsettling and like our 'love' our personalities and our issues are not unique. Like we are just archetypes playing out some crazy script that I didn't even know existed.

Maybe getting out of a co-dependent relationship i am craving friendship and trying to be too demanding of people and having unrealistic expectations. maybe i need to accept this loneliness and make the most of it. maybe i need to keep challenging myself by spending time with people who make me feel uncomfortable and judged- and that perhaps that feeling of judgment is in my head and they are not unhealthy for me to be around? Maybe they are challenging me in ways that are beneficial and not destructive for my self esteem and overall well being. Maybe I can take walks outside without being scared- I live in a city where crime and street harassment are common, and i get a lot of stares with my acne and scarring (or perhaps it's simply in my head that i being stared at, or perhaps the aura of insecurity and anxiety that is drawing people's attention). Perhaps i need to get comfortable with people staring at me and learn not to care.

i am having a hard time eating healthy. i am having a hard time being active. I feel nauseous and exhausted and restless and sleepless. i am having a lot of trouble making decisions. of speaking. of accepting my voice, my body, my thoughts, my emotions. i am having a hard time being around people. having a hard time making appointments.

Writing things out online is easier for me than having conversations. i am going to try to take baby steps. what steps worked well for you in your recovery? how do you navigate accepting personal responsibility for your mental and physical health without harboring blame and resentment towards your abusive ex for the problems they caused? how did you accept the abusive ways you started to behave while unhealthy, unhappy, and stressed? How did you start trusting and having comfortable and pleasant interactions with others?

[Insom]

Hi, tin.  Welcome!

It sounds like you're ready for some positive changes in your life.  Congrats on taking a first step by reaching out here!    For me, reaching out here was my first step toward getting into therapy which has helped me a lot.

I'm hearing that there are a lot life-tasks you neglected while you were in your relationship that you'd like to address now and that thinking about them sometimes pushes you into overwhelm.  Hang in there!  You're not alone.

i am going to try to take baby steps.

Yes.  Baby steps is the way to go!   

It sounds like addressing neglected dental work and finding a therapist are both important goals to you.  Which one feels most important today?  What's one next step you can take toward meeting either of those goals?

What was it like for you once you left an emotionally abusive partner? How did you rebuild your life and yourself? How did you face yourself after neglecting yourself for so long

It felt wonderfully freeing to leave my abusive ex with BPD and was the first step toward building the happier life I have now.  FWIW, after leaving my ex  I was able to go back to school, finish my degree, meet and marry my husband, move to a new city that I love living in, start my career, and generally get on with life.  In my experience, change begets change (once you get the ball rolling in a positive direction it has a tendency to keep going).  It all started with baby steps.

I want to travel, find myself, get healthy, eat healthy but it all feels scary and overwhelming and I so wish my supposed friends would take my hand and help me through it. But they choose to support him, and I feel afraid to confide and spend time with people in contact with him.

These are wonderful goals!  It sounds like you could use some friendship and support.  Finding a good therapist is one way to garner the extra help you need right now and I know thats something you're working on.  Is there someone else in your life - a friend or family member that you trust and enjoy spending time with (not one you shared with him) - that you can see yourself reaching out to?

[tin]

Sorry, I just skimmed the beginning of my post, and i hadn't proof read it at all. he is *not* diagnosed but multiple people close to us have spoken up about suspecting this and I finally did some reading. he was a therapist and would psychoanalyze both myself and himself to explain away his actions. I find myself very wary after all the preaching, judging, shaming he has done in the name of mental health.

As far as dental work- i believe i grind my teeth at night leaving me with headaches, so I do need to take care of the pain soon. However I'll have to work with my insurance to find a new dentist as the one I registered with was not compatible with my anxiety and was rushed, judgmental and condensing and it was a physically and emotionally painful experience.

Perhaps the reason I am so anxious about talking to people is simply in my own head. As I read about co-dependency I wonder if I was the needy one or was he- or both of us? He made it clear he was emotionally dependent on me and that I *couldn't* leave him. However I would be jealous and possessive of him- why did he have so much energy, patience, attention, kindness, and enthusiasm to share with friends that he refused to share with me? He cheated on me 3 times and each time made it out to be about how much he loved me but I was not open enough to him. With his anger and outbursts and reactivity I was not.

I reached out to several therapists and have yet to find one who is able to make an appointment with me, so I was hoping to just continue talking to our couples counselor who helped me get out of denial about the emotional abuse to process and understand what she was referring to and her understanding of things, before having to face someone new and explain the situation, relive the embarrassment and shame, etc.

As I read about emotional abuse I am guilty of several things. I would threaten to leave the relationship- although it wasn't a threat it was a real request that we part ways. If he felt so negatively about me and was hurting me so much I didn't want to stay. But he would immediately swing from devaluation to idealization when I tried to leave, and he would beg, cry, threaten, block, and emotionally blackmail me to stay (threatening to kill himself, etc). I would reluctantly feel forced to stay, to give him another chance when he would promise to change. But I stayed resentful and would roll my eyes when he spoke and say critical things about him in front of others. I think partially because he acted so different in front of others, so cocky and preachy, and I would be furious, and it would get a laugh from others. i was having dinner with a friend one day and realized how helpful and kind he was- and calm and listening and easy to talk to. And realized that i had been isolating myself with my fiance and that i didn't feel safe talking to him in fear that he would explode at me and go into an angry rage.

I suppose I may be feeling abandoned and rejected by my closest friends, making me more paranoid or distant from others. I have been spending time with other friends and family but don't enjoy that time. I feel tense, I have a hard time talking about it, and once we are talking about the relationship I get defensive, I interrupt, I withdraw, and feel them pulling away. Perhaps some of the criticism i'm perceiving is in my own head. i have been very isolated for a long time- not sharing the truth about what's been happening with anyone for many years until a couple months ago.

I feel worthless- who would want to be friends with someone so weak, depressed, anxious, who allowed herself to be in such a sick relationship for so long. i just want to hide. but i also feel tremendously alone with ending the relationship and reluctantly cutting people out for talking to him bc of the patterns of problems it was causing.

i see that i need to focus less on relying on friends and relying on other people's approval/validation and support, to gain tools and focus on myself and my health and healing. it's just a thought pattern my mind keeps returning too. i do know that i have a tendency to be a people pleaser and setting these boundaries with so many people in my life at once has been difficult to cope with and triggered a lot of guilt and self doubt whether i'm making the right choice, and sadness when they respond with anger/pain.

[once removed]

hi tin, id like to join Insom and say

my circumstances were not exactly the same in that while we were friends with each others friends, our friends were each clearly our own, so when we broke up, things took their natural course with no hard feelings.

a breakup puts everyone involved in an awkward position. mutual friends may want to support both parties. some friends may pick sides. one or both parties to the breakup may feel betrayed. i do think if you are pressuring them to take sides, it may be counterproductive. you have needs and support is one of them. keep everyone in your corner that you can, to the extent that you can.

i was pretty isolated too. my closest friends cared but werent very present. i tried reaching out to friends that had gone by the wayside and got totally shot down which just made me feel incredibly rejected and more isolated, as well as bitter. i think that this can be such a fragile time in our lives. i think that sometimes people can see that, and it sometimes results in them giving us a wide berth. i dont think its personal, but i know it can really exacerbate a lot of already awful feelings that plague us.

i can tell you that it really does get better. for a long time, it may feel like everything you try doesnt work, or even makes things worse, and its maddening. at some point, things mellow out. that sense of routine and normalcy creep back in, you look back and hadnt even realized how far youd come, and it gets a little bit easier to rebuild your life and see the fruits of your labor.

youre doing the right thing in looking for a good therapist. i think that level of support is really vital. and youve found yourself a heck of a support group here, with folks that really get it, and the tools youre looking for. im seven years out, and i continue to use the skills and tools ive learned here every day.

how long ago did you end the relationship?

[zachira]

I admire your courage in facing all the painful challenges that come with ending an unhappy long term relationship. The ending of this relationship is especially excruciating because your mutual friends seem to believe his version of events, and your family is not one bit supportive and never has been.
You say you are looking for a therapist. I have been in therapy for many years due to my challenges with having so many BPD family members and unhealthy relationships; the therapy has changed my life for the better, though facing the on going pain continues to be very painful, and overwhelming at times, though less painful and overwhelming as I work through key challenges; I am now happier and more self assured than I ever have been.
Change is painful yet so rewarding when we accept the challenges that come with the changes. One of the most hurtful challenges of change for me has been that I have found out who my friends are. At times, it  has meant changing my complete circle of friends, and the loneliness has been almost unbearable. Then when I least expect it, I find people that support my journey who are kind and caring.
There are many people on this site who have/are experiencing similar situations to yours. Many of us are really familiar with the confusion and hurt of leaving a bad relationship. Please keep us updated as we care and support you in your journey. We are here to listen anytime you want someone to hear how you are doing. We are here to share your pain, and yes, your joy. Things will get better and you will heal, though it may not seem like that right now.

[tin]

how long ago did you end the relationship?

I was able to get him to move out in early April. He wouldn't stop contacting me and showing up and demanding to talk to me despite my requests that we only talk about our emotions/relationship with our counselor present. The house just got sold last week and I'm still working on ending the financial ties before informing our separation is permanent, based on some safety planning suggestions provided by our counselor, who believes the situation to be emotional abuse. It's been hard to talk to others who don't seem to understand and say things that can be more upsetting but it has been helpful to get a glimpse at some of the self awareness revealed through peoples posts here.

It's been maybe a week or two where we have successfully had no contact. I find myself craving attention and affection and love. I don't think it's necessarily him I miss but the intensity, companionship, and feeling so needed and enmeshed with someone. I'm trying to cope with being alone- others have referred to that as 'withdrawal' which I can relate to. Perhaps it's only feeding my 'addition' to the unhealthy enmeshment by wanting so desperately to keep old friendships afloat and to feel loved. Perhaps I'm being overly paranoid about having to avoid anyone who is in contact or communication with him and his manipulation and his perception that he is the victim? He has admitted to me he has been emotionally abusive, had poor mental health, and needs to manage his own emotions and anger at this point but I worry that the other people in his life are simply enabling him and worry the ways he will use and/or hurt them- while also grappling with some childish near-jerk reactions of feeling betrayed, possessive, and isolated.

[tin]

your family is not one bit supportive and never has been.

My family has been supportive in many ways. They have seen and commented to me for a long times the dynamics between us- that I seem to selfless and self-sacrificing, people pleasing and needy. They have seen his short temper, his push-pull between being loving and being cold/distant. They have seen that he is always 'tired' when any sort of domestic contribution is requested of him. They have seen the imbalances and my frustration and unhappiness. They have helped me clean out the house and navigate selling it, and have been trying to be supportive.

However my parents relationship with each other has always been a power-struggle with continual fighting, bickering, and insulting each other. My dad's temper was worse when we were kids (and when we were new immigrants with much lower income than now). My sister has tried to be supportive but also tends to be brutal with criticism. Her relationship with my brother-in-law is raising more concerns with me now that I've started reading about abusive/unhealthy relationships. He has a short fuse and goes off on family members including their very young kids. I worry about the kids being in that setting with someone controlling, angry and reactive, as I had a similar upbringing. I do feel that keeping some distance from them is healthy.

I'm been able to spend some time doing healthier activities, pushing out of my social and physical comfort zones, and finding kind, calm, understanding people who have been willing/able to spend some time with me. I have a hard time relaxing or enjoying myself but I hope I am able to keep working on it over time rather than just giving up and settling for this version of myself.

[WindofChange]

I'm been able to spend some time doing healthier activities, pushing out of my social and physical comfort zones, and finding kind, calm, understanding people who have been willing/able to spend some time with me. I have a hard time relaxing or enjoying myself but I hope I am able to keep working on it over time rather than just giving up and settling for this version of myself.

Hi Tin, I've been reading through this thread, and am sorry it's been so hard for you to find friends that are completely supportive of you and not just sympathetic to your ex. I'm sure that makes this painful and difficult situation even worse for you. But in the quote above, good for you that you're doing things that are healthy for you, and working on having a circle of support for yourself. I think this "version" of yourself will change and heal as time goes on. You won't be stuck with it. You can get past it. It's just part of the process, as everyone says on this site.

I understand totally your struggle with wanting the love and affection and companionship you had with him, and feeling so lonely without it, as you mentioned in an earlier post. My ex and I separated our living arrangements in April, but had continued to see each other some until a few weeks ago. The withdrawal, as everyone puts it, has been horrible. I go through periods where I physically ache for him, just for his touch, his arms around me. I miss his smile (rare though it could be), I miss his voice. It sucks. Other people on here say it gets better as we go along, and that NC is the only way to successfully detach and start to move forward and heal.

Sad as I often feel, I have other times where I am starting to feel some hope, and to feel a little bit stronger (like the Sara Evans song). I'm not there yet, but I can look forward and see that maybe I'll find me, the good parts of the old me, but with more self realization, more emotional maturity, and better mental health. And you will, too.