Issues regarding sex, and self esteem

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi family,

I am being transparent, i feel i can trust this community.

My s.o. pwBPD, could not finish, even after thirty minutes or more, i would get exhausted.   He said it was my issue, because i was overweight and had no stamina.    Now that i am seeing other men, havent had relations w anyone, and am scared, my self esteem in this area is low.
If there is anyone who can share experience, strength, and hope, and if you need to p.m. me.

this is a sensitive topic and i appreciate your trust.
j

[juju2]

Hi family,

I am being transparent, i feel i can trust this community.

My s.o. pwBPD, could not finish, even after thirty minutes or more, i would get exhausted.   He said it was my issue, because i was overweight and had no stamina.    Now that i am seeing other men, havent had relations w anyone, and am scared, my self esteem in this area is low.
If there is anyone who can share experience, strength, and hope, and if you need to p.m. me.

this is a sensitive topic and i appreciate your trust.
j

[Cat Familiar]

Hey juju2,
I'm so sorry your ex blamed you for his own issue.  

IDK, but I think not being able to complete the act is likely one of those BPD fear of intimacy issues. I've experienced it in my current marriage.

When we first got together, the sex was magic and so easy. Then as issues between us popped up, it became more difficult for him to get off. Lots of times afterwards, he'd jump out of bed and pour himself a glass of wine and chug it. Or sometimes, he'd just have to do something on the computer. I'd be thinking What the heck? I was hoping to bask in the afterglow with him and it felt really weird.

Then as more and more history happened, the sex became even more challenged. He'd literally wear me out and I'd be waiting for him to be done. Sometimes the look in his eyes was weird, like he wasn't totally there.

Before knowing about BPD, I chalked that up to drinking. And I think that was certainly a part of it--making it more difficult for him to come.

In recent years, we're living a celibate life. I am for sure, perhaps he's not. If not, he's certainly being discrete. I've mentioned rekindling our intimacy, but he's told me that he "didn't trust" me. At first, I felt really insulted, as we both were cheated upon by previous spouses and I'd never do that to him. However, I think he meant that he didn't trust being vulnerable with me.

My hormones have waned and if I don't have a sexual relationship with him, I'm OK about it. It's weird because it was the best sex I ever had, but over time all the ancillary BPD weirdness just sort of quashed much of my attraction for him.

Hope that's not TMI.  

Cat

[ILuvABorderline]

Just so you know, after coming on the board, I realized that a lot of BPD males struggle with reaching ejaculation. My husband has had delayed orgasm or even inorgasmia for almost two years. This is also the time frame in which his BPD has REALLY flared up. I do think there is a connection. When we do make love, our sex life is better and more fulfilling than ever. (That is excluding a few times where the circumstances were a bit different and I wasn't as much of a willing partner.) He even talks about how everything feels better. However, even with MUCH stimulation and hours of trying my husband is often unable to ejaculate. He will either just not be able to orgasm, or he will lose his erection. I do notice lack of orgasms and loss of erections are closely related to his thought patterns. One nice thing about my husband is that he has never really blamed me for this. He will blame me for MANY other things, but not his lack of ejaculation. He will at times get frustrated that he is unable to and that will lead into an episode with the Borderline Beast. Just know, that it isn't YOU. It sounds like he is deflecting and taking aim at an easy target because he can't possibly take responsibility for his own problems.

[juju2]

Thank you everyone.
He just used to say, you are the first one to complain about it... .

Another friend also said, that is a long time, to not have finished... .i did start to think it may he either a control issue or a trust issue.   I never had this isdue, if anything, it was my partners finishing early, never not at all.   I was wondering if it could be because he may have porno addiction?
does anyone know about if that would cause our issue.

Thanks,

j

[Cat Familiar]

I think you're probably bringing up a likely cause--addiction to porn. (In truth, you may never know the why, but the reality is that it was his issue.) Lots of members here have struggled with having partners who prefer porn to their real life sweeties. With BPD often eliciting a fear of intimacy, porn would be a noncommittal way for them to satisfy their sexual needs.

I remember there was an old R&B song, something like "60 Minute Man." The concept sounded interesting when I was a teenager, a nightmare after I passed my 30s.   

[spacecadet]

It was his issue, not yours! I'm sorry he blamed you for it.

As to going forward, the more you have friendship and trust, the more the path is cleared for you and your future man to meet any delicate issues with grace and understanding, on both sides of the fence.

I've never said this aloud to anyone, so thank you for raising this sensitive topic. Since my ex fled the scene before even one time of intimacy, I've long suspected he has issues in this department. He said his ex-gf he was so mad about didn't really enjoy sex (it was her problem of course) and his ex-wife cheated on him (her problem as well). He seems more narc than anything, with some bp traits. It would make sense that he won't be bothered with another person's needs in this area so he avoids r/s altogether, hiding behind this "love equals loss" stuff so people feel sorry for him.

Juju how do you feel about seeing men and getting to know them a little at a time while friendship and trust develop? Are you meeting anyone who might have a similar outlook as opposed to jumping into intimacy early on?

[BreatheFirst]

Thanjs fir raising a sensitive topic. It definitely sounds like his issue.  I am not at tge stage of dating yet but one thing that provides me hope in my break up is a return to a normal sex life with someone new. My ex was always finished in 30 seconds! I would have loved longer. I also noticed he focused on his own pleasure more often tgan on me or touching me the way he wanted. If I asked to be touched a certain way or place he would huff and complain about me talking during it and complaining that he never did anything right.  I took that as a message to shut up. I wish now I had stood up for myself more.

When you find a normal loving partner you will get back into the swing of things I'm sure. It will all naturally flow and you'll work it out as you go together. My previous relationships I could always talk about sex with them. Not so this PD partner. I was ways sofried about his reaction then withdrawal of affection.

Have fun and enjoy your new journey of discovery! :-)

[juju2]

Thank you everyone for sharing.

Its is a sensitive topic, appreciate the wisdom and hope.   Am taking things very slow, just starting w friendship only.  If that doesnt work for someone, they can weed themselves out.

[enlighten me]

Hi all I'd like to pipe in on this from the perspective of a man that doesn't always finish.

It may not be a BPD thing or that theyre not stimulated by you but as in my case rather than going off too quickly I can manage to supress the urge to make it last longer for my partners enjoyment. Unfortunately sometimes this suppression is too effective and leaves me not finishing.

I can understand how this can leave someone thinking that their partners not into them but for me its not the case. If I wasn't into them then I wouldn't get aroused in the first place.