I hope this is the right place

[tough_life_rn]

Hi Everyone,

I'm not sure if my wife has BPD or not. It certainly feels like it most of the time. I've never been on a board like this before and I don't know if it's the right place. I think I'll spend some time lurking. Some of the stories that I've read in the book (Stop Walking on Eggshells) sound exactly like my life, some don't.

I hope to get to know some of you better, so we can help each other out of our difficult situations.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi tough_life_rn,

This is the right place! I know some people say that book is like reading their life exactly, it was not like that for me, but it did give me some new insights on the mystery of understanding my SO's serious mental health issues. Many of us have undiagnosed partners and just focus on dealing with/understanding behaviors.

Oh yes, please stick around and create your own threads and post on others - it is the best way to get more folks to know and relate to your story and get some extra support around these issues.

What behaviors does she have that make you suspect BPD?

with compassion, pearl.

[tough_life_rn]

Thank you pearl! It really means a lot to me that you responded.

It's really so hard to talk about it because there are so many different incidents and issues that I don't really know where to start.

I guess the worst thing that I can think of are the fights that we have. I made the mistake of telling her too much about my past relationships, and now she is convinced that I don't love her, and that I still prefer those relationships and girls over her.

I can understand how she feels hurt by thinking about what I did with other girls, but most times I feel like it goes too far. She curses at me and yells about how she doesn't mean anything to me compared to my ex-girlfriend, I don't love her, I never loved her, etc.


When we are in "that zone" no amount of logic, reasoning, apologizing, comforting, empathizing, or anything else can diffuse the situation. I feel very helpless and trapped because leaving is not an option to me as she has severe fear of abandonment and I don't want to leave her in that state.

Anyways, that's just a small slice of the problem but the most painful and agonizing. Sorry if it's very incomplete.

[pearlsw]

Hi tough_life_rn,

Oh I hear ya! Pretty much every detail I ever gave out about an ex has been thrown back at me. I've been put on trial more times than I care to recall about things that have nothing to do with him and happened before I met him, and are frankly none of his d*mn business.

These two tools could help you get some breathing room back if you practice them regularly:

Don't JADE.

Validation

In the past I found that distracting or putting positive thoughts into his head could  also make a difference. The more I praised him and told him nice things about being with him, the more he had that to turn around in his brain instead of all his negative thoughts.

You don't owe her any more past details over these past partners. You can kindly and gently redirect. If she goes too far don't stick around for it. Don't add fuel to the fire. In the calmer times I'd try to give positive reinforcement. Just a nice amount, not over the top. Show her that your relationship is special and unique because it is.

Any other big points of contention you want to tell us about?

warmly, pearl.

[tough_life_rn]

Thanks pearl! Those articles were very enlightening!

I am trying to work on my validation skills. It's really difficult for me when the accusations are false or exaggerated, which they are many times.

And as far as not sticking around when it goes too far, she threatens that if I walk out she's done with the relationship. Sometimes I walk out anyways, and that's the source for hours of more complaining and accusing.

Another point of contention is that she doesn't seem to think that there is anything for her to work on in the relationship. Whenever I bring up how she is reacting to things and not allowing our relationship to grow, she just tells me that it's all my fault and I "treat her like garbage", therefore I'm making her do what she's doing. She has admitted on occasions that she does need to work on something, but she doesn't get specific and it's only temporary before she goes back to the "you're a monster" routine.

The most confusing part for me is that she does have some points. I didn't buy her a huge bouquet a flowers yesterday when she cried that she wanted one. But does that mean that I'm ignoring her and not listening to anything that she's saying?

Where do I draw the line between me making a mistake, and her having her expectations and demands too high?