It just went too far. Not sure what to do now.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Ive known about my wifes BPD for a while now. The first year was very tough but Ive learned to manage my own reactions since then and its just been one of those daily things I can deal with. Also honestly my new gained strength has caused her to act a lot better too and she has learned there are concequences to her actions. The biggest problems I deal with is her overhwelming insecurity and desire for 100% control of everything including every detail of my own life. She is probably a bit paranoid with thinking im constantly running around on her but I also atribute that to the BPD.

What happened yesterday was something I could not control with just my own actions and It is a new level of helplessness I felt. We were in the mountains hiking and overall had a great day. We got to a spot on the mountain with lots of tourist and she asked "should we get someone to take a pic of us". I looked around at the people and a lot were very busy taking their own pics and I said "how about just a selfie". I didnt think it was a big deal and she acted normal. We are walking down the mountain and she starts questioning me about it. "Why?". I told her everyone was so busy with their own pictures I just didnt feel like bothering them. The tone of her voice became aggressive and sarcastic... She said... "Is there someone there that made you uncomfortable?" Then she gave a little giggle and I knew that was not going to be good. I said... "No, nobody made me uncomfortable". Then she asked very aggressively "Well why couldnt you ask then?". I said... ." I just didnt feel like it". She again asked "WHY?". At this point she is getting nasty and raising her voice at me. I kept telling her "Not Now". She kept raising her voice with other people around. We are at a heavily populated areay with kids and families and she just keeps yelling "WHY, WHY, WHY? TALK TO ME!". I keep telling her calmly "Not now, wait till we get in the car". Then she starts yelling again saying "Fine if you dont want to F%ing talk to me". I open the hatch to let my dog in and she slams down the door as hard as she can on the top of my head. Not just a little but hard enough my neck is still very sore and I am twice her size and weight. I lose it and start asking What the heck are you doing only not abreviated. She starts yelling and screaming at me about who knows what and we are in the parking lot just throwing all kinds of F bombs. Of course a cop happens to be standing right there and who does he come after? Me of course. Im the big bad abusive husband and he starts telling me Im going to be handcuffed if I dont leave ASAP. I try telling him what she did but he doesnt care. To make things worse he actually goes to her and ask IF SHE IS OK? Of course she says "I dont know what his problem is, he just got angry". I told him "she slammed the Fing door on my head". She said "ooh it was an accident" which was a complete lie. Luckily he didnt do anything to me but he totally bought all her crap. Total white knite cop who jsut thinks ONLY men can be angry and abusive and everything is always their fault.

As soon as we were leaving she even admitted it was on purpose. But she doesnt care. No empathy about any of this. She doesnt think there was anything wrong with what she did and to make things worse she thinks I am the one that overreacted. According to her everything would have been fine If I just asked someone to take a picture. If it was that important she shoudl have said something on the mountain and not waited till halfway down the mountain.

Its not even about what actually happened. It hit a point where I cant just ignore it. Just simply being in her vacinity is going to cause me very serious harm. We dont have kids. Im not really sure what to do. We have gone through 5 counselors which she keeps dumping because they dont agree that Im the problem. Ive threatened divorce but all she does is beg and beg and beg and cry and tell me she will change and right back to the same thing tomorrow. I dont know how to get out of this. Even if I do divorce she will demand everything. She wont let me get out of her life so easily. I just dont know. I feel completely trapped.  

[jrharvey]

Ive known about my wifes BPD for a while now. The first year was very tough but Ive learned to manage my own reactions since then and its just been one of those daily things I can deal with. Also honestly my new gained strength has caused her to act a lot better too and she has learned there are concequences to her actions. The biggest problems I deal with is her overhwelming insecurity and desire for 100% control of everything including every detail of my own life. She is probably a bit paranoid with thinking im constantly running around on her but I also atribute that to the BPD.

What happened yesterday was something I could not control with just my own actions and It is a new level of helplessness I felt. We were in the mountains hiking and overall had a great day. We got to a spot on the mountain with lots of tourist and she asked "should we get someone to take a pic of us". I looked around at the people and a lot were very busy taking their own pics and I said "how about just a selfie". I didnt think it was a big deal and she acted normal. We are walking down the mountain and she starts questioning me about it. "Why?". I told her everyone was so busy with their own pictures I just didnt feel like bothering them. The tone of her voice became aggressive and sarcastic... She said... "Is there someone there that made you uncomfortable?" Then she gave a little giggle and I knew that was not going to be good. I said... "No, nobody made me uncomfortable". Then she asked very aggressively "Well why couldnt you ask then?". I said... ." I just didnt feel like it". She again asked "WHY?". At this point she is getting nasty and raising her voice at me. I kept telling her "Not Now". She kept raising her voice with other people around. We are at a heavily populated areay with kids and families and she just keeps yelling "WHY, WHY, WHY? TALK TO ME!". I keep telling her calmly "Not now, wait till we get in the car". Then she starts yelling again saying "Fine if you dont want to F%ing talk to me". I open the hatch to let my dog in and she slams down the door as hard as she can on the top of my head. Not just a little but hard enough my neck is still very sore and I am twice her size and weight. I lose it and start asking What the heck are you doing only not abreviated. She starts yelling and screaming at me about who knows what and we are in the parking lot just throwing all kinds of F bombs. Of course a cop happens to be standing right there and who does he come after? Me of course. Im the big bad abusive husband and he starts telling me Im going to be handcuffed if I dont leave ASAP. I try telling him what she did but he doesnt care. To make things worse he actually goes to her and ask IF SHE IS OK? Of course she says "I dont know what his problem is, he just got angry". I told him "she slammed the Fing door on my head". She said "ooh it was an accident" which was a complete lie. Luckily he didnt do anything to me but he totally bought all her crap. Total white knite cop who jsut thinks ONLY men can be angry and abusive and everything is always their fault.

As soon as we were leaving she even admitted it was on purpose. But she doesnt care. No empathy about any of this. She doesnt think there was anything wrong with what she did and to make things worse she thinks I am the one that overreacted. According to her everything would have been fine If I just asked someone to take a picture. If it was that important she shoudl have said something on the mountain and not waited till halfway down the mountain.

Its not even about what actually happened. It hit a point where I cant just ignore it. Just simply being in her vacinity is going to cause me very serious harm. We dont have kids. Im not really sure what to do. We have gone through 5 counselors which she keeps dumping because they dont agree that Im the problem. Ive threatened divorce but all she does is beg and beg and beg and cry and tell me she will change and right back to the same thing tomorrow. I dont know how to get out of this. Even if I do divorce she will demand everything. She wont let me get out of her life so easily. I just dont know. I feel completely trapped.  

[loyalwife]

Hi!
   I understand the level of helplessness. It sounds as though your wife had been controlling her reactions for awhile and was prime to explode. No matter how long between, the bitter truth is that BPD doesn't go away (unless with therapy) and lies dormant. The fact that she chose to let go in front of a lot of people and take her aggression out on you physically may be a new level for her. I've had my pwBPD suddenly outburst in a restaurant, and it's over nothing at all. He will ell through out the parking lot, getting attention.  It sometimes seems as though you are being punished, as they feel so horrible inside.
    She admitted she did it on purpose, when no one was around. It is control. She knows it's her word agains yours, and she thinks she is right. If it were turned around and you did this to her, I'm sure she would have made a big deal out of it, immediately. You on the other hand just wanted to keep the peace. It gets to the point that that is all that matters. The BPD doesn't necessarily care because it "doesn't matter".
    At this point you have to take care of yourself, make a life that you want even if it means not including her all the time.  Connect with friends and family, take up a hobby. She cannot control you if you don't let her. In most marriages, spouses share everything, with a BPD they close up and can't seem to let go. Of anything.
    I've been served twice with divorce papers last year. Recently my husband said he wanted out, instead of letting it go and hoping he'd change his mind, I told him "fine". He asked me how much money I wanted, and I told him nothing.  The abandonment issue is so great with BPD that they may not want you, but they aren't willing to let you go.
    My heart goes out to you as you maneuver through this. Listen to your heart and be true to yourself. 
    Stay strong.

[formflier]

There are two issues here.

What if anything to do about the door slamming on you incident that just happened.
 
What if anything to do differently about "the next time".


I'm positive about next time... .i'm not sure about what just happened.

Next time... stay friendly, let her know (once... perhaps twice) that you will be available to talk when kindness has returned. (don't blame her directly for being unkind)

Then... .walk away from her... .STOP TALKING... .leave her presence... and let things calm. 

Over time, you will tweak this... but once she understands she can't control you with a rage... .perhaps things will improve.

I'll have to think about how to address the past incident... .nothing good comes to mind at the moment.

I'm so sorry you had to deal with this.  Hang in there... .be kind to yourself
FF

[jrharvey]

There are two issues here.

What if anything to do about the door slamming on you incident that just happened.
 
What if anything to do differently about "the next time".


I'm positive about next time... .i'm not sure about what just happened.

Next time... stay friendly, let her know (once... perhaps twice) that you will be available to talk when kindness has returned. (don't blame her directly for being unkind)

Then... .walk away from her... .STOP TALKING... .leave her presence... and let things calm.  

Over time, you will tweak this... but once she understands she can't control you with a rage... .perhaps things will improve.

I'll have to think about how to address the past incident... .nothing good comes to mind at the moment.

I'm so sorry you had to deal with this.  Hang in there... .be kind to yourself
FF

I really did try to stay calm for about 15 minutes while walking down the mountain. Normally when something like this happens in public we both stay pretty quite until we can get in private and talk about this. If she escalates to aggressive behavior in private I can just turn off and ignore her till she calms down a few hours later. This is new to me. I have not seen her escalate so quickly and aggressively in public. Im lost at what to do in this particular situation because I am balancing the fact that i need to be strong with her plus the fact that everyone and their mom is staring AT ME wondering what i will do. I dont know how true it is but I feel like their is a stigma against public fighting and people staring at me thinking its my fault. It doesnt help when the cop obviously does think the fault lies with me. Another problem is I cannot simply get away. We are 2 hours away from the house and If I simply abandon her there Im sure she will have a great story to tell the cops. If I continue to walk away and try to be alone she will continue to follow me escalating louder and louder and louder. My only solution at the moment was to try to get both of us in the car to drive away but she stood behind the car and refused to get in. I got in the driver seat and kept telling her to get in while she stood out there yelling at me to get out of the car. I cant drive away because Id have to run her over. Sitting in the parking lot arguing with her just causes a scene. Trying to walk away causes a scene. Just kind of stuck.

[formflier]

Hey... .I'm really sorry this happened... .this isn't your fault, but you DO HAVE A ROLE TO PLAY. 

Again... .not your fault, yet you MUST be responsible for YOUR part... and your part only. 

 

Would you rather have had a scene... rather than a door slammed on you?

Seriously... .you didn't "cause" the door to hit you, yet if you made a different choice... .none of your body parts would have been there.

Would you rather her tell the cops an assault story... .or that you abandoned her.

Much of the "good strategies" are counter-intuitive.  They can be a struggle to wrap you head around.

Getting in a car with a disordered person that is dysregulating is a bad idea.  Please... NEVER do this again.

Drive separately if you need.  Let her decide who she rides with... .YOU control that YOU NEVER put yourself in that position again. 

Sorry man... .strong boundaries do work.  I will tell you stories some day.  Thoughts?

FF

[RolandOfEld]

Welcome!

First off, that is a horrible thing that happened to you, hands down. And then to be treated that way by the police. As someone who has involved the police in my BPD relationship, and not always to the best result, I truly feel for you.

I think most of us have that moment where it suddenly goes too far and we are left completely blank as to where to go. My moment was when I came home to find my wife had shredded nearly 70% of my clothes when I said no to a request I could not in good conscience fulfill. In that moment like you I felt utterly helpless. I knew she would not apologize. I also knew it would be useless to erupt at her, even more it would have been bad in front of the kids. And I knew the relationship had hit a point of no return.

When it happened one more time about a week later. I called the police over. It was ugly. She hit me after they left. But she has not damaged my stuff since. We set a boundary. It's held so far.

I can say for certain that you've definitely hit a crossroads, judging from the whole event and the fact that you are here. That was a great first move. There is no easy answer, but we can guide you through this step by step. bpdfamily saved my life.

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[Turkish]

It sounds scary that you were almost arrested. And it sucked that you were so far from home.  

Was this the first time she assaulted you? I'm a calm person, but I would have been pissed if someone had done to me what age did to you.  Hard to keep calm given that.  

I hear that you're struggling on what to do in the long term,  but here and now it would be good to have a safety plan: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

[formflier]

And I knew the relationship had hit a point of no return.

When it happened one more time about a week later. I called the police over. It was ugly. She hit me after they left. But she has not damaged my stuff since. We set a boundary. It's held so far.

ROE,

Would it be more accurate to say that you knew that YOU had hit a point of no return?  Or perhaps you knew that you would never be the same in the relationship, ever again.

"physical stuff" seems to do that in relationships.  For me, this past fall, my wife overspent.  She claimed I tricked her into overspending.

I offered a new manner of accessing money where she could be 100% certain that I had approved and there was no "trickery".  

She picked up the debit card that I was offering and the paper with the procedure on it that solved ALL of her stated problems and she threw it at me.  I remember how it felt bouncing off me.

It's hard to describe... but I"m a pretty imposing guy.  (also quite cool with Naval Aviator mustache and all... .oh wait... back to story... .put away inner monologue... )

I was a lineman in football.  6 foot 2... .was likely around 260 lbs or so when the card bounced off me.  

So... the physics of it were minimal.  A debit card was thrown at "full force" from a few feet away and I did physically feel it... I did.

I also "felt it in my soul".  The next day I severed the last of our financial ties... .and I wrote her a letter.  Frankly a letter many advised me to write, yet nobody advised me to give it to her.  

I gave it to her... .and I embarked on a different pathway.  I would never again be the same in the relationship  Sure... if you read the letter, I would love to "talk to her on that riverbank".  That's much different that "forgetting" what that card hitting me "felt like" deep in my soul.


https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=315549.0


jrharvery... .not trying to hijack your thread, but I am trying to let you know that the feelings are real you are experiencing after the physical incident.  If you feel led to do certain things in your relationship... I would certainly discuss them here... .but I can't imagine telling you NOT to honor your feelings after crossing such a line.

Ditto to the Turkish one as well.  Safety!

FF

[Notwendy]

On the subject of honoring your feelings, I want to call attention to your statement here:

We dont have kids. Im not really sure what to do. We have gone through 5 counselors which she keeps dumping because they dont agree that Im the problem. Ive threatened divorce but all she does is beg and beg and beg and cry and tell me she will change and right back to the same thing tomorrow. I dont know how to get out of this. Even if I do divorce she will demand everything. She wont let me get out of her life so easily. I just dont know. I feel completely trapped.  


We don't post stay or leave advice here. This is because every situation is different and also it is most important that each person arrive at his or her conclusion about what to do. This advice will not include an answer about that. It's to address these statements.

Whether or not someone stays or leaves, feeling completely trapped is not a good feeling. It makes you feel like a victim. You do have choices- to stay or leave. Neither one is easy and both have consequences,  but you still have the choice. There is no absolute answer that applies to everyone. How can you situate yourself so that you feel you have the emotional space to not feel trapped? It may take personal counseling, legal counseling to help answer your question. You may not even know what you want to do, and that is OK too but learning about your options may help you arrive at a decision.

Learn about BPD and how you can work on the situation. Much of it is going to take personal work. The work is worth it no matter what decision you choose- gaining better relationship skills are skills you keep regardless.

You do not have children. Some people fall for the notion that having a child makes the relationship better. A child is a wonderful addition for couples who want one, but if there are issues in the marriage, these issues will not get better with a child and the decision to leave if you arrive at it is harder and more costly.

BPD does not resolve quickly or on its own. Your wife may appear to switch to better quickly but true improvement for the long run comes from motivation and hard work, with professional help. You can work on your part of the relationship and impact the dynamics but you can not cure BPD on your own or through attempts to fix her yourself.

Don't threaten divorce. This will elicit her abandonment fears. She may "behave better" shortly after a threat but she's doing it out of fear. This is hurtful to her. If you are at a point of seriously considering divorce, get legal council as well as professional counseling. With physical abuse in the picture- you need a safety plan as well as professional advice about how to go about informing her while considering the safety of both of you. Yes, divorce will trigger her abandonment fears but that is not a reason to stay in a marriage if you truly want to leave. Threats when you have no solid plans are unnecessarily hurtful and don't help either of you. They also undermine your word if you threaten something with no action.

"She will demand everything". She could, but there are also laws that address this. It is better to make a decision based on facts than fears if you have concerns about this.  

Where you are at - is just that. No judgment and the only "right path" for you is the one you are on. Learn as much as you can. You can hold the big decisions if you are uncertain. I agree with Turkish on the suggestion for a safety plan.

[Red5]

Good Morning jrharvey

Very sorry that you had this event happen... .I'll tell you, "when BPD shows up, boy it SHOWS UP!"

The first year was very tough but I've learned to manage my own reactions since then and its just been one of those daily things I can deal with.

Also honestly my new gained strength has caused her to act a lot better too and she has learned there are consequences to her actions.

The biggest problems I deal with is her overwhelming insecurity and desire for 100% control of everything,

She is probably a bit paranoid... .

Ah' yes... .I can certainly relate... .in the last fifteen or so months, I have been on a crash course on how to deal with bps'isms as I call them.

Sometimes I am "on my game"... .sometimes I "get caught short".

My u/BPDw (undiagnosed BPD wife) is also a "controller"... .matter of fact , that was her official title at the last career job she held, as she was a $$ controller for one of the community colleges in our area, .yes, her title was "controller", .how fitting  

I also noticed, that as I grew more "enlightened", that u/BPDw seemed to gain a degree of centered calmness, more so than she had previously, in the preceding years of our relationship, not a constant, but more than usual... .the "episodes" became fewer and less... .but sometimes, oh' boy... .kaboom !... .those were the ones (episodes) I had to watch out for... .not fun, I know !

Paranoia... .another big one in the BPD spectrum of behaviors with my pw/BPD... .why just now, she called me at work to tell me that the "culligan man" was sitting in his truck out in front of our home, in our neighborhood cul-de-sac ... .she was really "upset" about it... .I was like "really"... .lots of folks round here have culligan water softeners, so he is just making rounds probably... don't worry about it... but she proceeded to tell me how she has "locked up" all the "out buildings", and "did not trust a strange culligan man truck" just sitting in front of our home on the street... .see, I deal with it too, and this is just one example of her daily paranoia type behaviors... .

Here a few days ago, .BPD showed up for me too, .we were in the middle of "flying home" from a vacation (lack of a better word)... .and we were in a huge airport (MSP)... .and our flight was delayed, like three hours delayed... .and the air-conditioning in the suspect concourse was not working, it was very hot, very crowded, almost complete chaos... .had already been a long day, a long week... .we had with us my special needs (autistic) son, and her little dog as well... .and she chose that moment, that exact time to "let er rip"... .boy, she really came unglued... .kaboom !

I reached back to my "training" ... .I told myself, you know what you have to do Red5 !

I quickly ran through several scenarios in my head... .as what was I to do... .just walk away(?), while she cancelled our existing connection & reservations (boarding passes), and then tried to rebook our flight (sabotage)... .no, not a good idea, .I held on for a few more moments;... .and as she kept on and on, she began lite into me ... .acted like a complete @SS... .rude and disrespectful to the airline staff, and me as well also, created a huge scene for all the innocent bystanders to see... .blah blah blah... .%#$& !

So I'd had enough, and I knew what I had to do... .execute attack plan "R"... . (from movie Dr. Strangelove),

So I took her by her arm, and said to her... .I will add, I am a retired Marine, I out weight her 2-1, I can present command presence on queue if needed ... .and I am quite capable of taking down any drunken sailor who crosses my path  (FF ... .

I looked right in her eyes and I said, in my best Marine Corps take charge voice(s) ... .three things are about to happen here speed racer ... .if you don't get a $@#% grip on yourself right fricken now... .FIRST, I am going to going to give your little dog back to you to hold, .and THEN SECOND; I am going to take my son and our carry on bags and walk away from you, .and THEN THIRD; (my son & I) we are going down to the street level to the rental car counter... .the rest you can figure out for yourself after I am gone, .so see you in a few days.

Do you read me loud and clear ! / ?... .( I said),

She looked at me in the most seething, fire breathing mode of non-verbal communication that I hadn't seen in quite some time   , and then said... like a little girl who was about to have her fanny "tanned" by her dad... .and she said "ok"... .so then off to the bar-restaurant we went... .we boarded three hours later, and made our final decent into RDU international... .at a little after zero one thirty AM local... .

She never said another word to me the entire way home... .

Long day... .

Yes, FF is correct,

"walk away from her... .STOP TALKING... .leave her presence... and let things calm."

Fun times to be had by all, .in these BPD relationships... .it can be a-ok for a little while, and then whoosh, and kaboom, off the rails they go... .just got to know when to jump off the caboose, as the crazy train leaves the tracks... .that's the key.

Even after you have done all you can do, and have applied all the tools, and knowledge you have gained, the BPD'isms come out sideways anyhow... .

I have had objects thrown at me, I have been slapped, poked, pinched, and even scratched... .oh' yeah... .crazy times !

Hang in there jrharvey

Red5

 

[Cat Familiar]

I'll agree with Turkish and Notwendy on the necessity of a safety plan.

She has gotten away with physically assaulting you without consequences, and even was presumed to be your victim. I think this could open the floodgates for her to do this again.

I was physically assaulted by my first husband on many occasions. Once that line has been crossed, it's far easier for them to do it again. Being attacked elicited the freeze response; I hoped that it would end soon. After multiple attacks over the years, one night something changed and I knew I would fight back with all I had if he were to hit me again that evening. Fortunately he didn't.

I was alarmed that the primitive survival side of my brain, not accountable to societal norms, had taken hold. That this can happen after being subjected to assault by the person we trust who is supposed to have our back is not a surprise.

[Red5]

... .an attack occurs, either verbal, emotional, or physical,

What happens, what goes through the mind... .in order?

*Fight (stand/defend/"JADE"

*Flee (flight/escape/runaway)

*Freeze

*Fawn (self destructive; stockholm syndrome?)

Is there more ?... .cognitive dissonance ?

[braveSun]

Hey jrharvey, you are at the right place as you see!...

I agree it went too far. We here all know what it's like...

I really did try to stay calm for about 15 minutes while walking down the mountain. Normally when something like this happens in public we both stay pretty quite until we can get in private and talk about this. If she escalates to aggressive behavior in private I can just turn off and ignore her till she calms down a few hours later. This is new to me.

Reading this reminded me of a recent event I had with my spouse too. What I remember the most is that little moment when she is about to dysregulate, and the silence between us is getting crispy, sort of. It almost feels like she is about to lash, but holds herself up a bit and waits for something from me.

I have tried different things in the past, and I have hit the spot with some, and missed it with others. It's really all a work in progress.

In that particular moment I am talking about, I remember noticing my own freeze response coming up. Because that's my go to response. I noticed it before the lashing was coming, so I did something I don't usually do. Tried to respond with some kind of distraction, in a non-threatening way.

Sometimes that works, sometimes it takes something else.  And it's only my response, so I cannot control how she will react.

But I know genuine efforts kind have a way to come back around.

I want to say that you have been doing well it seems, considering that you didn't get arrested by the cop (unfairness being put aside). Something about you must have been at play.

I am currently reading some material about the 4 Fs, like Red is bringing up. Something I am learning is that my go to response can trigger or add fuel to my spouse when she gets in those modes. That it may help to try to change my usual response.

To have more variations, so I can pick and choose what's more effective, given the situation. Sometimes, when we cannot really walk away, finding a little side excuse can help break the cycle before it gets underway.

It can be weird to approach these situations like this, thinking that we have some responsibility in the mix. It's not our fault, yet we are in these situations because we are there with them.

We have to figure out our own ways.

[jrharvey]

Wow this was an overwhelming response. I wasnt expecting so many people to chime in. Thank you for your stories and support. Honestly its so much to take in right now I do wish there was a place I could go to talk in person to some people.

It sounds scary that you were almost arrested. And it sucked that you were so far from home.  

Was this the first time she assaulted you? I'm a calm person, but I would have been pissed if someone had done to me what age did to you.  Hard to keep calm given that.  

I hear that you're struggling on what to do in the long term,  but here and now it would be good to have a safety plan: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

This is not the first time she asaulted me physically. Honestly years ago she threw furniture at me, dishes and physically tried to punch, kick and bite. Back then I was lost and confused and had no idea what BPD was and my only conclusion was that I must have done something so bad and terrible. I didnt do anything in return, just took it. Didnt help that my mom was an extreme narcissist and my dad was nowhere around to balance things out. She constantly told me what a terrible kid I was so maybe I had it in my mind that I was just a crap person. Once I started to work on myself and I realized I was being emotionally and physically abused I sort of lost it. I am an extremely fit physically and can hold my own against several pretty large guys but the thought of being abused by a 100lb little girl just drove me mad. I started to fight back to regain some of my own boundaries but I did go too far myself several times and when I got tired of her being violent I got physical back. That was probably my lowest point when I realized what I had done. That was years ago and we havent been physical with each other since. Not until recently when she slammed the door on my head.