New-ish relationship and needing help and guidance

[anxiousndworried]

Hi, I recently started dating a woman who clearly has BPD. We have been dating for about three months and I love her dearly, but the cycle of splitting/angry outbursts is starting to take a toll on my emotional and physical well-being. I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells - a day doesn't go by where she doesn't try to break up with me. I am successful and accomplished in my professional life, and generally consider myself to be a self-confident, rational person, but I feel like this relationship is bringing out my worst anxieties and insecurities.

I am starting to feel crazy for staying with her, but she has so many good qualities and we just click in a way I have not experienced with anyone else before. Also, the thought of breaking up with someone because they have a mental illness goes against everything I thought I stood for. That being said, I know that I need to take care of my own well-being and physical safety. I'm desperately hoping there is a way to make this work.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi anxiousndworried and

there is hope. it sounds like you really care for her, and youve found a great place to get feedback and support.

the first step is usually stopping the bleeding, ending our side of the cycle of conflict (more here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict)

it would help if you can share some more about the primary sources of conflict between the two of you... .what sorts of things youre fighting about, and how they play out. what sorts of things does she break up with you over... .how do you respond?

[pearlsw]

Hi anxiousndworried,

You mention the issue of physical safety? Has she threatened or actually physically attacked you? Are you safe now?

My Achille's heel is illness, and it has been hard for me as well to grapple with leaving someone when I recognize they are ill. It is not easy to face this, I get it, but sometimes these things do have to happen I am learning to accept. I know how hard it is, believe me, it can shake you to your core and make you wonder if you are who you really thought you were - and let's be honest, that's one h*ll of an illness to be that powerful!

As a veteran of hundreds of breakup threats I can relate to what you describe here. It is literally everyday? I get this kind of thing weekly more or less. What leads up to it? And what happens afterwards may I ask?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[anxiousndworried]

Hi all,

Thank you so much for your responses. I wish that I could provide you with a clear, succinct answer to your question ("what usually leads up to the breakups?", but sometimes I don't even know. A common theme is her feeling that I am "not supportive enough."

Some background - I am a surgeon at top US hospital, and I will be the first to admit that my job can be stressful and emotionally draining. I've worked very hard to get where I am and continue to work hard, and genuinely enjoy what I do. About 2-3 times per week, I will come home and she will be complaining about how she had a bad day at work. She works from home, but has an executive level job and makes at least double what I make, so it can be hard for me to have sympathy for her when I am working 80+ hour weeks. That being said, I am always eager and willing to hear about her day and offer suggestions for possible solutions to her problems at work, which are often along the line of "X doesn't like me; Y hates me; Z is the worst boss." When I do offer solutions, I am chastised for being "too logical" and not offering enough emotional support. When I keep quiet and just nod in agreement, I am chided for not taking her concerns and her job seriously enough. I feel like I'm in a no-win situation.

Our fights quickly escalate into her verbally attacking me - she calls me lazy, dramatic, stupid, a moron, a slut, a whore (both of which are ironic because she is the first person I have been intimate with in 6+ years), a loser, etc. She also uses things I've told her in confidence (e.g. my dad leaving the family, my mom's issues with alcohol, etc.) against me. She will say things like "no wonder your dad left your family - I would leave too if I had a family like you." She will also often call her ex-girlfriend in the middle of these arguments and put her on speaker so I can hear them talk ___ about me. On several occasions, our fights have escalated to the point where she gets physical with me by either pushing me or grabbing and twisting my arm etc. I absolutely refuse to "hit back" but have become increasingly frightened by her behavior.

I would be lying if I said that I handle these situations well. Often as these fights progress, I just start sobbing. She often asks me to leave, but in doing so, she often threatens to go find someone else to hook up with, etc. and so I often hesitate to walk out the door. I know that eventually, she will calm down and I would hate for her to do something during one her of her explosions (e.g. cheat on me) that I would not be able to get over. I also know myself well enough to know that if I walk out without her apologizing, I may never come back. She usually blocks my number during these periods, and I continue to call or try to contact her through social media because some part of me thinks that if she just sees or hears from me, I can remind her of what we have together.

Our fights usually end when she "snaps out of it." She will start crying and apologizing and saying she feels like a monster.  She will usually repent for a few hours - buy a self-help book, schedule an emergency therapy appointment, etc. - but then, it's as if nothing happened at all. And the cycle continues to repeat itself. A common cause of our arguments is if I try to bring up one of the hurtful things she said or did during our last argument.

Reading this, it's easy to wonder why I am with her. To be honest, I have never felt so comfortable with anyone in my life and think that we have a special connection when she is not having an episode. I also know that she has an illness - and as a physician and as a person who grew up around a lot of mental illness - it pains me to leave someone for something they are in so little control of. That being said, I know that my own physical and emotional safety needs to be my priority. It's just hard - it's not in my nature to leave people when they are down. Every bone in my body wants to help her and hopes (irrationally) that I will be the person who can help her to help herself.

I don't know how I've found myself in this situation. From the outside, I have a perfect life and everything going for me, but in reality, this relationship has been a roller coaster filled with stress and anxiety. If anyone has any suggestions (apart from the usual "leave her", it would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

[pearlsw]

I don't know how I've found myself in this situation. From the outside, I have a perfect life and everything going for me, but in reality, this relationship has been a roller coaster filled with stress and anxiety. If anyone has any suggestions (apart from the usual "leave her", it would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

Hi anxiousndworried,

No worries! It's a policy around here not to tell people to leave or stay. We understand there are reasons to stay (and leave) and we are here to explore options for improving things and making that possible.

It sounds like working with Validation and learning when to not be invalidating could help a great deal! I thought I was pretty good at communication, and my partner and I are fairly educated ourselves, but... .the communication was absolutely rotten between us, or so I thought. I had no idea, initially, I had stumbled into mental illness, but in time I realized something was "off" and then the search for answers started.  I hear ya! I don't quite know how I stumbled into this myself, but being in a foreign country has made it that much harder for me to get any assistance or find my way out of it if need be... .but I digress!

As I read this reply I wonder if you might be doing too much problem-solving and perhaps not enough listening. A lot of folks, wonderful folks, have that tendency. They hear their partner speak, notice a problem, and think, "oh, I can fix it!" But this can actually be pretty invalidating and also prevent our partners from learning to care properly for themselves I think. It came as quite a shock to me, thinking I was fairly nice and all, to have to realize that I could be pretty darn invalidating! So, no shame in that, it is what is, and we can change and improve.

I look at this way: I have nothing to lose by working on my communication skills, whether it be for this relationship or the next one or no more romantic relationships and just friendships. Good communication always helps!

One approach might be to ask, ":)o you want me to listen? Or do you want me to help solve this?" I'd imagine more often than not she just wants to be listened to. And, guess what, that is a solution - so you get to feel good about that effort and perhaps it might help avoid a larger conflict. It is a relatively easy one to offer if you can adjust to that mode, but it won't always work no. You may find yourself needing to use other tools depending on how far into a dysregulation cycle she gets.

In finding strategies to these issues, I'll let you in early on another tip we share around here - as messed up as our partners seem, and you've seen the stories here, it is really ourselves we need to put the most focus on. Why do we put with this stuff, where our our limits, what can we do to possibly improve things, and if it gets to be abusive when do we call it quits? Those are the kinds of things a lot of us wrestle with.

Sorry to get to this last. (I read your post a few times and picked up on parts of it, hopefully others will join us and touch on other parts as well!) Yes, any amount of physical contact/abuse is a serious red flag and is best prioritized and addressed immediately. That kind of thing tends to get worse. Are you currently in any danger? What is your response to this? I use a lot of deescalation techniques to avoid things ramping up to a place where they could get physical, like not yelling back, not pursuing, not JADE-ing, not name-calling, staying calm and in control of my own emotions, etc. I often leave the room when a healthy back and forth is not possible, but set a time to come back, etc.

Have you had a chance to check out the lessons to the right of the board yet? 

I hope you stick around and keep asking questions, talking, sharing, learning and supporting others - you are not alone in this! We are here to support you!

with compassion, pearl.

[Radcliff]

Welcome!  I am sorry for the tough situation you are in, but am so glad you've found us!  Everything you said about your experience is familiar to us.  You are not alone.  pwBPD can have amazing qualities; if they didn't we'd just leave.  As you assess your situation, remember that BPD exists on a continuum, with different people expressing different numbers of the DSM V traits with differing severity.  The tools we teach here are appropriate for all levels of severity, but it's the lower levels of severity where members are most likely to be able to build lasting relationships.  A caveat on the tools is that as we practice them it puts us firmly in the mind of being the relationship caretaker, but when dealing with domestic violence behaviors we must shift gears and take an assertive approach with our empathy focused more on ourselves.

To help get oriented, I'd suggest you take a look at these links on What Does It Take To Be In a BPD Relationship? and The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship.  Remember to allay your impulses as a caregiver to try to cure her.  Like dealing with an alcoholic, you can only control your own actions.

If she has attained an executive position, she is very high-functioning.  Being the partner of a high-functioning pwBPD is tremendously isolating, because you may be the only one that sees the dysfunction.  You may start to feel like the problem is all you, and she will certainly try to convince you of this.  The fact that she is high-functioning also is likely to make her resistant to treatment -- she has attained so much using her existing coping strategies, so why change? 

I am concerned about your situation.  Emotional abuse can be even more devastating than physical abuse.  Calling her former partner in front of you was an awful thing to do.  It is important to establish firm boundaries around emotional abuse, otherwise it can continue to weaken your defenses and entrap you. 

When I was trying to figure out the differences between healthy, unhealthy, and abusive behavior I found it very helpful to look at a graphic called the Relationship Spectrum.  Can you tell us which of the abusive behaviors you are experiencing?

Can you give us details about the worst and most recent incidents of physical abuse -- what led up to them, what she did, how you responded, etc.?

On the Bettering board we focus most of our efforts on teaching folks the coping tools to make their relationships better.  I don't want our caution to wash out that positive message.  But in cases of abuse, we focus first on getting a handle on the abuse, since that's the first step in establishing a safe, successful relationship.

WW

[anxiousndworried]

Wow, thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. I truly appreciate you all taking the time to help me out.

Pearl, I completely agree with your assessment of the situation. I do not think my communication strategies are optimized for dealing with a partner with BPD. Even when I am listening, I am thinking of next steps and what I can do to solve the problem. I agree that I need to focus on myself and my own reactions. If nothing else, this relationship has taught me that I may not be as emotionally mature and sophisticated as I initially assumed. Many of my reactions to my partner's episodes have been less than ideal and there are many areas where I can improve.

While I certainly don't blame myself for any of her physical outbursts (her actions are her actions and, in my opinion, getting physical is NEVER acceptable), I do not think I have actively worked to de-escalate the situations when I see her mood changing. If anything, I end up escalating the situation by trying to be logical and offer solutions when she is clearly not in a place to hear them. 

WW, thank you for your response. To answer your question, with regards to the physical violence, she has told me from the beginning of our relationship that when she asks for space in the middle of an outburst, she needs it for my safety and for hers. As I learn about BPD, I am understanding the importance of giving her space and walking away, but it’s certainly been a learning process.

Our worst argument happened started when I said I wasn’t interested in engagement photos if we ever got married. This was about a month and a half into our relationship. I now understand that photos are often important to people with BPD, but at the time, I had no idea. In hindsight, I can see that she was starting to get upset, but I continued to joke about how lame I thought engagement photos were. By the time I was done pulling up a website of awkward engagement photos to “prove my point”, she was enraged. I initially tried to explain myself, but despite my “logical” explanation, the conversation devolved into her calling me selfish and saying that she didn’t want to be with me anymore. Regardless of how many times we go through this, I am always bothered by her threats of breaking up with me. As usual, I tried to respond by being rational and saying “I don’t think you really want to end things with me…,” but she started calling me the usual names – idiot, moron, slut, whore, trash, etc.

She then asked me to leave her apartment and said she “never wanted to see me again” and proceeded to block my number on her phone, etc.  I refused to leave her apartment without an apology from her for the things she had said. (To be honest, I know I am not an idiot, moron, slut, etc. and was not particularly hurt by her calling me those names, but I have always believed that actions have consequences and it bothers me that she can say all of those things, not apologize, and then expect me to forgive her in a day or two.) Anyways, I refused to leave without an apology and without taking the stuff I had in her apartment. (In my mind, “I never want to see you again” means we are never going to see each other again, and so I certainly didn’t want to leave my work clothing and makeup there.) As I was packing up my stuff, she continued to get angrier and started throwing my stuff into garbage bags. I did not want my stuff thrown in garbage bags, and so I pulled it out and started to fold it nicely. When I did that she pushed me up against the wall and grabbed my arms. She threatened to punch me but didn’t. I responded by staying physically calm but also saying that she was ruining her life and that she was acting pathetically. She pushed me again and I then threatened to call the police.

To be honest, at the time it wasn’t just a meaningless threat. In my world, physical violence is never acceptable and if someone pushes you hard enough to leave bruises (or pushes you at all), that is assault and it would not be unreasonable for the police to be involved. WELL, she responded by saying that she would tell the police I had attacked her (which I most certainly did not) and threatened to call the hospital I work at and file a complaint.  I was completely stunned. I grew up around a lot of mental illness and similar behavior patterns, so I should have anticipated her response, but I didn’t. I just broke down sobbing and wondered (probably out loud) how I could have ended up in a position where my girlfriend was 1) pushing me and 2) threatening to falsely accuse me of pushing her back.

I was inconsolable and basically just collapsed to the ground in tears. Something snapped in her and she just started crying too and backed away. Once things calmed down, she called her therapist to make an emergency appointment, called her parents to tell them what happened (this was obviously not the first time this happened), and insisted we go to the books store so she could buy self-help books. I was bewildered and kind of just went along with it in a trance. I ultimately gave her a lecture on how physical violence is unacceptable and told her repeatedly that she needs to “get help.” Again, in hindsight, this was probably not the right time or message, but I thought I needed to say those things in order to keep being a “strong, independent” woman.

This cycle has continued to repeat over the past few months, albeit without as much physical violence. She has grabbed my arm in an argument twice since but has been able to stop herself from doing more.

With regards to the other behaviors on the relationship spectrum, 80% of our time is spent in the “healthy relationship” category. I think that’s why I’ve found this situation so confusing and overwhelming. During the other 10-20% that she is having an episode (or in the time leading up to or following an episode), she becomes disrespectful (e.g. name calling, demeaning, insulting, threatening), becomes dishonest (she’ll say things like “I should have listened to my parents when they said I shouldn’t be with you,” and then later admit she completely made it up), and becomes distrustful. She gets worried that I am going to retaliate against her for her behavior, which I have reassured her I would never do.

We’ve essentially just been going through this vicious cycle for the past few months. Up until this point, I have focused on what she needs to do to “get better,” but finding this website has helped me realize that there are actions I can take to help regain control. Again, I am not making excuses for her behavior, but I think I will feel better about the situation (even if we don’t ultimately end up together) knowing that I made an effort to adjust my own behavior as well.

Sorry for the super long message. Thank you all again for your help!

[Radcliff]

You have a great attitude towards your situation.  Turning the focus on yourself is the right thing to do, because you control yourself, not her.  You can only take responsibility for your half of the relationship, though.  I am impressed with your viewpoint that focusing on yourself will both help you feel like you've given this relationship your best shot, and also help you with relationship skills in the future.

The first tool I like to recommend is learning how not to “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE).  It takes some self control to make this change, but it's conceptually very simple and gives you a lot of bang for your buck early in your learning curve -- you'll avoid adding fuel to the fire, and you'll see situations go better than they would have before.  JADE is a trap especially likely to ensare highly educated problem-solving folks

It's good to see that she is aware that the physical violence is a problem and is working to avoid it.  You need strong boundaries around that.  To learn more about boundaries, you might want to visit this page on setting boundaries.  I would suggest that your boundary have two consequences -- one is telling an outsider, such as her therapist or a mutual friend or acquaintance.  The other is physically removing yourself from her for a period of time.  The consequence shouldn't be punitive, you are technically not trying to control her.  Think about how much time you might want away from her to regroup after a physical incident -- one day?  Two?  A week? Once you establish the consequence you will need to follow through every time.  What are your thoughts on this?

WW

[once removed]

If nothing else, this relationship has taught me that I may not be as emotionally mature and sophisticated as I initially assumed.

i recall the time i stood outside her apartment after i threatened a breakup, and shed locked the door, and there i was demanding my stuff back, pounding on her door and shouting, escalating. she walked out to get in her car, and i blocked its exit, threatening to beat the _____ out of her car. a neighbor called security and i had a fleeting glimpse of how far gone i was.

id like to second Wentworth in suggesting that seeing this is a winning attitude. so many of us in these relationships are so fed up, so entrenched, clinging so hard to our point of view and sense of who is right and who is wrong, that we cant see the forest through the trees, in terms of how we are contributing to the dysfunction, and we employ coping mechanisms that make everything worse for both parties, and for the relationship itself; no one wins.

and thats what we work to do here: see our part. stop our side of the conflict. mature emotionally. learn better coping mechanisms to weather the hard times, and nurture and build upon the good.

its seriously challenging to get to that place, and i cant overstate how critical it is to have a good, strong support system in place in order to do it. the catch is that our partners often will follow our lead. constructive space can be created to resolve conflict, to differentiate more clearly between who owns what, without throwing gasoline on the fire, healing can take place, and trust can be rebuilt; and even in a worst case scenario, it makes for a much smoother path.

learning not to JADE is a great start, too. its often a great deal of what fuels conflict, and the nifty thing is you can start practicing it now, with everyone in your life. it can be awkward and counter intuitive at first, because one tends to feel that need to "set things straight" which fuels the drama... .with some practice, it can be incredibly freeing.

[anxiousndworried]

i recall the time i stood outside her apartment after i threatened a breakup, and shed locked the door, and there i was demanding my stuff back, pounding on her door and shouting, escalating. she walked out to get in her car, and i blocked its exit, threatening to beat the _____ out of her car. a neighbor called security and i had a fleeting glimpse of how far gone i was.

I can absolutely see a situation like this happening in our relationship - and it terrifies me. I am a perpetual rule follower - I have never even gotten a speeding ticket. The thought of her apartment security (or worse) being called on me makes me physically sick and underscores how important it is that I learn to take control of my own emotions in this relationship.
 
The arguments between us almost feel like an out-of-body experience, and I am continually surprised by my own actions and my hesitancy towards walking away. This forum has been a wakeup call for me. I think that reading your stories and seeing that this pattern of conflict is a symptom of BPD, makes me feel less isolated and alone. It also makes me feel empowered to take control of my own emotions and reactions.

My partner and I are leaving for our first vacation tomorrow. I am nervous, but feel better about it than I did a few days ago. My plan is to devour the information you all shared in your responses and focus on optimizing my reaction and practicing de-escalation.

I cannot thank you enough for all of your help and support. I would say wish me luck for this vacation, but I no longer feel like it's luck I need. I recognize that the only person I can control in this relationship is myself, and hopefully, this weekend can be a first step towards doing that.

Graciously,
- C