Needing solidarity and encouragement

[Inner Child]

Hello new friends, I don't have time to give much backstory but will say that my 46th birthday dinner (uBPD mom treated) almost went well. We were nearing the end and I was amazed that mom was actually going to be normal the entire time. Lo and behold she started pushing my boundaries on a subject that I had already been clear and direct about twice before. So right in front of my 11 and 13 year daughters and husband I set the boundary again about what I am willing and unwilling to do for her. My husband was affirming and impressed with my strength and clarity and directness to her. I was impressed with myself as well as I was able to do exactly what I have been working so hard on with my therapist. My mom's text this morning called it "unacceptable" and "punitive." Of course there is a life time of my mom being the most destructive force in my life (she can also be generous and gracious like treating my family to dinner). Bottomline, I texted her and said that I prefer to spend time in the context of family meals and gatherings because the odds are better that the conversation will remain pleasant. I am attempting to go no contact with her darkside. Is this impossible or is this the essence of boundaries? Thus, I declined her invitation to spend time one on one with her on the 4th of July. The last three nights the anxiety has given me insomnia that has left me exhausted and with headaches. Even though I handled it all textbook awesome, my nervous system still feels traumatized. Anyone ever experience this disparity between the inner child and the adult child who is stepping up with healthy boundaries? I am affirming myself today, deciding to make it a good day at work despite exhaustion (I teach at risk youth). I would appreciate connection from you today so I don't feel so alone. Any "me to" friends out there? For now I am going to a 6:30 a.m. exercise class with my 13 year old.

[Harri]

Hello Inner Child.  First let me say Happy belated birthday! 

Even though I handled it all textbook awesome, my nervous system still feels traumatized. Anyone ever experience this disparity between the inner child and the adult child who is stepping up with healthy boundaries?

Yes, you did handle this in textbook awesome fashion!  What you are feeling, this disparity, is to be expected when changing a pattern of behaviors that has existed for a lifetime.  Not only that, but there are a lot of emotions tied to those ingrained behaviors that you also have to fight through.  So you will be fighting on a physical and an emotional level... .and it is exhausting!  So, keep doing what you are doing.  It takes time to change the almost reflexive behaviors we all have.  As we change our behaviors, the emotions will settle and will eventually follow.  The hard part is pushing through the anxiety, panic, depression, etc.  But keep at it.

As unpleasant as all this is, consider it a normal part of the detaching and healing process. 

I know I make it sound easy but it is anything but. I know many of us experience the same thing.  For me, telling myself this is normal and it has to be done to get to a better place worked (usually).  That and posting about it all and working in therapy.

What sort of things do you do to help yourself get through?  You mentioned the gym which is excellent.  Are you familiar with mindfulness? 

It is good you felt comfortable posting here.  We really do get it. 

[CollectedChaos]

Hello!   

Happy belated birthday!  It sounds like you did an awesome job at asserting your boundary - I'm proud of you!  That's no easy task.  Unfortunately, even if we're able to assert ourselves, those old childhood feelings have a tendency to rear their ugly heads.  Just continue to remind yourself that you did the right thing, and your mother doesn't have to agree with it or even like it - it's what's best for you and your family, and you should be proud!

With time and more practice with her in this type of conversation, situations like this will become easier to manage and the anxiety will lessen.  Just keep moving forward, and remember that you will come out the other end better for it.  Ride the wave, so to speak.  It also helped me to remember that I'm no longer a child.  If she is angry at me, that doesn't fundamentally change my life in the way that it used to.  I'm no longer dependent on her moods.  Comforting my inner child with that knowledge helped me lessen my anxiety over boundary setting.

Hang in there!

[Inner Child]

Thank you both for your responses and belated birthday wishes. I got to zipline in Costa Rica on my birthday and play in the ocean with my dear husband of 22 years for a week which was so great for my inner child. I left my mom and all emotions around her at home. I turned off my cell phone for 10 days. I got hit  So, I appreciate your words of encouragement and that some day the anxiety won't be so intense. I also humbly realized through my eleven year old who said I got hooked by her was right upon further contemplation.  My tone was tense even though my words were clear, direct and rock solid. I want to work on having a flat unemotional tone and using the broken record approach because getting me emotional means she has won and I am left strong for the boundary setting but depleted at the same time. I sent a brief "I apologize for my tone." text which mom accepted graciously... .the boundary still stands.  Yes, mindfulness does help me especially with anxiety induced insomnia. I teach at risk teens and my principal is looking for someone to teach traumatized youth mindfulness. I am considering the position but so new to it myself. I am going to start seeing a psychoanalytic therapist (I have been seeing an awesome CBT therapist but need both) on the 4th who also teaches mindfulness so it's an interesting confluence. Thanks for your encouragement!

[Turkish]

If I may ask,  what boundary did she push?

Zip lining is cool.  I did it once on a trip to Canada. I also mentored at-risk teens for two years.  It taught me a lot about myself.  There are so many kids who need help... .much like us adult kids here. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Innerchild, 

Was your inner child triggered at the dinner and then further by the thought of spending one on one time with your mom? Have you been able to comfort her by your present 46 year old inner child?

Sounds as if you had an awesome getaway! 

 
Wools

[Sad4Her]

Hi Innerchild,

I completely understand! I am 46 as well and dealing with those same feelings. Therapy and support from your spouse... .so important! It's astonishing to find out that we are not alone isn't it? I don't know about you but before I realized what type of mental illness my mom had and before I found this site, I thought, " No way can anyone else be dealing with a mother like mine!" Well they are, we are. TOGETHER we can all get through this.