I feel like giving up on love, life and being happy in general

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Never apologise for getting things out here.  That's what we're here for and it's good that you have taken the opportunity to let off some steam.  I can totally relate to the thoughts around her getting better and then things would work.  For the first month after I left my ex I asked out loud for the universe to make him better and send him back to me.  

Holding onto hope holds us back though and at some point we must accept reality for what it is.  She is not currently better in all likelihood and you cannot spend your life waiting in case it happens.  In the end I let go and began to heal.  Who knows what the future may bring, but right now we have the present.  The best way to use that present is to work on ourselves and create a life of our choosing, so that if some distant day in the future she comes back to you - recovered or not - you are in a stronger (which is attractive) place, emotionally healthy and on top of your game enough to have perspective and make healthy decisions based on what you see before you.

8/10 is a high rating for pain and damage to healing.  I'm glad you were able to assess this.  What then does this inform you to do?  It sounds as though you started no contact with dubious intent.  Would you say that you now regret that decision or have come to realise that despite your initial reason for it, you can see the benefit in your being able to start to move forwards?  How is the rumination these days?

Love and light x  

Hey HQ.

I totally agree that holding onto hope in whatever form holds us back. And yet I think the hope is one of if not the hardest thing to let go of. The present is actually the only thing I have control over, and I'm not there but I know I want to create something amazing for myself and meet someone really special. Also wouldn't hurt to make her regret losing me.   but actually as I say that it wouldn't really bring me any happiness. Would never rub a new relationship in her face. And as u said, being in a stronger place, on top of my game it the most attractive position to be in and that's one of my biggest goals. Not for her but for me.

As for my pain rating it informs me that I still have a lot of work to do but I'm also proud of how far I've come regardless. At the worst points it been totally shattering. Being honest I did start no contact dubiously. Fueled by all the online dating coaches who say use NC to get them to miss you and contact you and don't falter or it's begging. And it seemed to work, she reached out. But even before that I came to realize the truth that it actually was more for me, for me to heal. To distance myself so I can get better. I would say that it has aided me immensely in moving on because continued communication with her and "friendship" would've been to painful and held me back. The rumination is getting much beeter, it's reducing every day and I've had moments where she doesn't even cross my mind for large portions of the day.

Many thanks for your advice and peace and light as always.

[heffen]

Never apologise for getting things out here.  That's what we're here for and it's good that you have taken the opportunity to let off some steam.  I can totally relate to the thoughts around her getting better and then things would work.  For the first month after I left my ex I asked out loud for the universe to make him better and send him back to me.  

Holding onto hope holds us back though and at some point we must accept reality for what it is.  She is not currently better in all likelihood and you cannot spend your life waiting in case it happens.  In the end I let go and began to heal.  Who knows what the future may bring, but right now we have the present.  The best way to use that present is to work on ourselves and create a life of our choosing, so that if some distant day in the future she comes back to you - recovered or not - you are in a stronger (which is attractive) place, emotionally healthy and on top of your game enough to have perspective and make healthy decisions based on what you see before you.

8/10 is a high rating for pain and damage to healing.  I'm glad you were able to assess this.  What then does this inform you to do?  It sounds as though you started no contact with dubious intent.  Would you say that you now regret that decision or have come to realise that despite your initial reason for it, you can see the benefit in your being able to start to move forwards?  How is the rumination these days?

Love and light x  

Hey HQ.

I totally agree that holding onto hope in whatever form holds us back. And yet I think the hope is one of if not the hardest thing to let go of. The present is actually the only thing I have control over, and I'm not there but I know I want to create something amazing for myself and meet someone really special. Also wouldn't hurt to make her regret losing me.   but actually as I say that it wouldn't really bring me any happiness. Would never rub a new relationship in her face. And as u said, being in a stronger place, on top of my game it the most attractive position to be in and that's one of my biggest goals. Not for her but for me.

As for my pain rating it informs me that I still have a lot of work to do but I'm also proud of how far I've come regardless. At the worst points it been totally shattering. Being honest I did start no contact dubiously. Fueled by all the online dating coaches who say use NC to get them to miss you and contact you and don't falter or it's begging. And it seemed to work, she reached out. But even before that I came to realize the truth that it actually was more for me, for me to heal. To distance myself so I can get better. I would say that it has aided me immensely in moving on because continued communication with her and "friendship" would've been to painful and held me back. The rumination is getting much beeter, it's reducing every day and I've had moments where she doesn't even cross my mind for large portions of the day.

Many thanks for your advice and peace and light as always.

[heffen]

Guilt was also my companion for a long time for various reasons, but NC is not about your ex.  It is for you to take space and time away from the triggers and to take care of your own needs for the sake of healing.  :)on't beat yourself up.  Here's a reminder of why we use NC:

The key elements of "No Contact" are


to get the partner out of your day-to-day life,
to stop thinking in terms of a relationship,
to take them out of your vision of the future,
to stop wondering about how they are perceiving everything you are doing, and
to stop obsessing with how they are reacting (or not reacting) or what they are doing.

These are the simple objectives of "No Contact". You may need to remind yourself every day of what you are trying to do. It takes focus and determination to do this - at a time when you probably just want to sit down and cry. Just keep reminding yourself that it takes great strength and determination to be emotionally healthy.

The above is taken from THIS ARTICLE

Heffen, have you read our article on Surviving a BPD breakup?  It contains the 10 beliefs that can keep you stuck.  If you've not yet seen this, I believe you'll find it helpful and I'd be really interested to hear if you feel any of these would apply to you.  I think I can safely say that all of us have held some if not all of these beliefs at one point or another and I've referred to this article more than any other in my own detaching.  You can find it HERE.  When we can identify what is holding us back from detaching, then we can actively focus on changing that.  I don't believe you valued yourself too highly.  You valued yourself highly enough to want more than what you were getting.  Those instincts are rarely far wrong.

Love and light x

Thank for this. It really clears up a lot of the emotions I was feeling and I'll have to use it a reminder whenever I feel like back tracking until it just becomes my reality. I did read the 10 beliefs article and found a few of them a bit hard to accept but I guess that's part of accepting reality. It doesn't sugar coat things tho which I a good thing.

[heffen]

Amen --- well said... .and I would dare guess that many of us feel the same way.   The things that the article say are very true and telling.   I experienced a lot of what you have been through --- they don't feel the same way about "us".   It's all about them and their survival... .at ANY (or anyone's) expense.   It feels like a no win situation --- stay in it and continue the pain cycle that (if we were honest) was bad enough to make you go no contact.    Staying away is maybe worse because it is hard to start over when you want the person that you fell in love with to be there --- but I'm not sure that person ever really existed... .or existed in what could have stayed a normal and healthy relationship.   BUT... .staying away gives you the chance of finding a normal and healthy relationship in your future... .  staying more than likely does not.   

Amen sister.

It is all about their survival. Every man for himself. Always felt like I was damned if I did or didn't. I agree that staying away is harder especially when all you want is that person you fell in love with in the beginning so much. It feels like having the rug pulled out from u to realize that they never truly existed and what u have now is the true reality of that person. But part of true love is accepting someone or a situation truly for what it is and not changing it. Which is hard when someone has faults and bad behaviors that u wish they'd realize and change... .

[heffen]

Hey guys so quick update... .

Didn't end up going for the farewell as hard as I found it to stay away I sent the message that I couldn't make it. And the universe chose to bless me as well. My sister, her husband and my nephew and niece wound up coming on a short holiday close to where I live. So I flew down and its been amazing just to have my people around me who love me unconditionally.

Don't think I've been as present as I have this weekend in a while. That being said I knew I'd be getting whatsapp posts at some point from the event and dreaded seeing her in them. That being said they came and I saw. And strangely the emotional charge and immense anxiety I usually from just seeing her picture werent present. At least nowhere near before. It was almost just like seeing a picture of someone that I used to know. Or someone who used to be so important to me but now isn't. Don't know how to put it.

Anyway I did have a feeling of fomo and genuinely wished I could've been there but I wouldn't trade it for the time I've had with my family. Anyway as I looked at her I Baca me fixated on the fact that I just felt like she wasn't happy. Like her smile in the pictures and videos looks forced. Idk it's like I could just see through it and I honestly did see pain behind it. I even had to look at em a few times. Anyway still realized I obviously find her attractive. She looked very pretty but somethings kinda changed. It's weird and I don't know if it'll last but yeah that's where I am right now.

Oh and I don't know if I mentioned that after we broke up she became beasties with my ex before her. Literally the girl I dated before her. She didn't really even hang out with her now apparently they're besties. In a way they're very similar and I'm happy for their friendship if it's real but I just find it weird. Won't lie I thought how boss would it be if I showed up there like a boss. Super confident, had an amazing time and wasn't phased by my two exs sitting right there and owned the night. Maybe one day. Anyway just wanted to share that. Gonna try fall back asleep but ever since I logged on I've felt peaceful. First time in a while. I just feel good. My niece n nephew are slumbering in my room and I'm just tranquil.

Blessings... .

[tlc232]

Heffren --

Phenomenal!   You may not see it that way, but that was a huge step... .and the ability to step back and analyze how YOU feel and how YOU felt about the situation.   I'm no expert -- but I think that your ability to be as honest as you just were in that post is a really big deal.   

We seem to get into this trap about how our actions may make them feel... .but being able to first put your feelings, future and emotions at the center of your actions... .  I am happy for you as I think it's a big step to start thinking that way instead of how you likely had.   

You know how you get into bad habits... .that's how I feel about the relationships we develop and continue to be the lashing post for BPD SOs.   You have to break your bad habit (putting a person who doesn't deserve to be put first, first) gives them something they don't expect (you not caring about how they feel), and they don't know how to react to that.   To me (my opinion only) their mental illness is all about survival and using the people around them (not so unlike a used car salesman) to make sure that their lives are neat, happy and intact.    What they don't know is that the illness they have (untreated) never allows them to really feel satiated and able to see a relationship for what it really is... .any relationship... good or bad.    They are on to the next.    My personal opinion about her becoming besties with your "ex" is for that reason.   There is no reason for her to befriend your ex.   If she was "normal", that would be the last person she'd have time for.   But the manipulators that they are --- it's all staged for a purpose -- to make you feel uncomfortable because you dared to say "enough".    Rock on!       

[heffen]

Hey all.

Hope you've been well and finding daily peace in each of your journeys.

I just had something I wanted to share and get your input on. So since the last time I was on here I have really made a lot of progress on just feeling more at peace with my breakup and all the rumination. I really resolved a lot of the emotions I had within me and started feeling better and focusing on myself more.

But the universe works in mysterious ways. Just as I'd been on this streak of feeling great... .Tonight I leave a very productive business meeting where I felt like I achieved a lot and to celebrate myself and my business partner decided to go grab a beer before heading home. For context there's a pub we frequent that's our go to but we decided to go somewhere else for a change. On the way there for some reason my buddy ends up still going to our usual place and he's like "we're here already let's just have one beer and then move on to the next place." Anyway we walk in everything is as it usually is. Then once I'm inside I realize that my ex's car is parked across the street. Then I peek outside and see the top of her head. I totally didn't see her as I was walking in. My buddy played piano as I chatted to some people I knew but I won't lie I was nervous she'd come in at some point. Anyway we hang out for a little bit and decide it's time to leave.

I didn't want to run into her realizing she was there so I asked my friend to pick me up from around the corner. He went to get the car and I left through the other door where I wouldn't have seen her. I crossed the street and he picked me up.

As we're driving he's like ":)ude... .Wasn't ur ex outside.?" and that confirmed it for me. It was definitely her. Anyway here's my thing, that place is a place where I used to frequent before we dated. If anything I took her there a few times. I just find it interesting that she all of a sudden has drinks there especially if she didn't want to bump into me. Maybe I'm reading too much into it because we have a mutual friend who goes there from time to time who I think she was with, not sure. I honestly didn't see anyone.

Anyway as I was leaving my buddy told me he saw her walking in but I was already on my way out the other door. I don't even know what I wanna ask I guess I just wanted to say that the interaction even though I didn't see her has brought up a lot of thoughts and emotions for me. Like should I have talked to her? Should I have shown her I was OK even though I wasn't and haven't been for some time? I don't want to undermine or rub anyone the wrong way by sounding like I'm backtracking or anything. I'm just being honest that I thought it would've been nice to see her or reconnect with her again in some way. I thought to myself maybe she saw me and will contact me in the next few days. But on the other hand I remember all the bad that we went through and reality sets in. I want to stay strong and stay on my path but a part of me still longs for her as bad as that sounds.

I realized I still have a fondness for her. Although I have no idea whether those feelings are mutual. In a perfect world we'd still be together but this is where the universe is taking me right now. I guess I still have a long way to go, I'm not as over her as I thought I was. I really did love this girl. Maybe it wasn't love but I'm learning everyday how to cope and manage this.

Anyway I just wanted to share and hopefully get some insight and advice on my situation. Tha KS for reading... .

[heffen]

Hey guys.

So I need some help. As I mentioned above I narrowly missed running into my ex. I find myself backtracking and struggling with a lot of thoughts.

I keep feeling like she left me because I wasn't good enough or I did something to turn her off me or I could've done better. Literally feel like everything I look at I can say I failed or wasn't perfect in some way. I'm battling with did she ever even love me. And I'm scared, I'm scared of what the future has in store for me because the more time passes the more I realize that it's truly over and yet I'm still stuck here while she's probably moved on and is with someone else.

And that there is literally no room in her heart for me. During the relationship I constantly felt like I didn't know what i was even doing and that I needed to try different things to keep her. Maybe that's where I went wrong. But she had changed and it was an emotional Rollercoaster and I didn't know what was coming next at any point.

I struggle with the fact that someone who has been into me more than anyone ever just changed and that all disappeared. Now she could care less. And if this person who was so about me. Who I feel I had the most connection to, the best sex. If she doesn't want me then who will? How can I even look at another girl when my mind is still on her? I'm so mad that I'm still here and don't give a cap about her because I still do. And it just hurts, it's been months and all I want is to move on and be happy but the universe keeps bringing me back to it just when I feel I'm better.

I've literally overthought every outcome. Including thoughts of what if she gets better and we get back together, or more recently what if she'll be better with someone else and they get married and she's the happiest and most fulfilled she's ever been. Wish I didn't care enough to wish her well and be happy for that but I still feel like why wasn't it me. I really tried my best with her but I feel like it didn't even make a dent to her and that she didn't love me and the time I invested was just a waste and had no impact at all. Because she's moved on so easily.

I just don't know what to do anymore. My mind starts to idealize her and wants her back just when I feel I'm getting there and she was special but I know I have to be strong and move on. I just keep going in circles. I don't know what my lesson is to learn from this. Especially if we're never getting back together again ever. Feels painful to say that but if I'm truly honest in the back of my mind somewhere hidden I had kept hope of her coming back and us living happily ever after.

This relationship has really shaken my perceptions on relationships in general. Realized there's so much I have to learn but I don't know what my lesson is anymore, feel like I am so incompetent. And I'm terrified because if I don't learn the lesson I don't want to ever go thru this again. I barely made it through this time. I've never been through anything like this... .

Sorry for the negativity I just needed to get this off my chest. Been up all night and I've really been struggling with this.

[eggfry]

Hi Heffen,
The topic title alone, made me tear up. I read through the thread and think the journey and progress you've made in your life is beautiful. I hope you took up jui jitsu. Breakups are a lot like losing a loved one, because  there's a loss of having that bond in your life. And I think it's difficult because in a breakup the person is still out there for you to see. Whereas with death it's permanent and life has a way of forcing you to move forward. One of my favorite quotes is from Watchmen "The grimy parts, just keep getting brighter" Meaning the darker memories over time we tend to romanticize and idealize. It's easy to forget the bad. (I'm really guilty of this and working on it) Try making a list of all the negatives about her. I have one for my SO, I'm having difficulty detaching too. Don't beat yourself up about loving her. BPD people are complicated. There's a lot to love about them, it's just that there's a lot of other stuff that comes with them too.

This relationship has really shaken my perceptions on relationships in general. Realized there's so much I have to learn but I don't know what my lesson is anymore, feel like I am so incompetent. And I'm terrified because if I don't learn the lesson I don't want to ever go thru this again. I barely made it through this time. I've never been through anything like this... .

I feel the same way. I'm not sure what is normal anymore or what the expectations would be in a healthy relationship. Remember that you learned how to date once, you can learn again. Don't think that because this one didn't work out that you are a failure or not good enough. The fact that you are worried about thinking of another girl before starting a new relationship shows that you are one of the good ones. Maybe if you decide to date again, don't search for relationship but work towards having positive experiences with people. Even if it's a friendly dinner date. Have a good dinner, share laughs with a nice person. Create new and happy memories.

At the end of the day what is it you hope for most? What do you want from her?

[Harley Quinn]

Heffen, I'm sorry that you're wrestling with these thoughts and feelings.  Letting go of hope is so tough and most of us can relate to that.  Eggfry has made some thoughtful suggestions and asked some really good questions.  What need do you think she filled for you?  How did you feel when you were together and how do you feel at the prospect of not being with her again?  In other words, what is it that you feel you are losing by not having her in your life?  In our Lessons, we talk about acknowledging our feelings:

When we're dealing with a major loss or strong attachment, we begin our healing by acknowledging and working with our feelings. The feelings that are the stickiest aspects of attachment are:

the excited desire we feel when we want something,
the anxiety we feel about losing it, and
the sense of hopelessness that can arise when we fail to achieve it.

Acknowledgment doesn't just mean recognizing that we want something badly or that we're feeling loss. When you want something, feel how you want it—find the wanting feeling in your body.

Remember when you were feeling cocky about a victory and you beat your chest and said, "Me, me, me!"

Rather than pushing away the anxiety and fear of losing what you care about, let it come up and breathe into it the same way. And when you're experiencing the hopelessness of actual loss, allow it in.

Let yourself cry.

Do you think you've allowed yourself to move through this stage?

Then we explore the feelings further, observing them and beginning to understand what they are telling us.  What do you think your feelings might be indicating to you?  Is what she provided you with something that you can find ways to achieve for yourself?

We're here for you and will walk with you on this journey 

Love and light x

[heffen]

Hi all.

Just wanted to firstly say thanks to anyone who's taken time to reply to my posts. It has been super helpful and although I don't always reply back just wanted to let you know that it has been impactful.

I'm going to cut to the chase. I've been feeling really overwhelmed lately and just need to get this out. Hopefully someone can help me or shed some light on my situation.

So I had been feeling better just in general but a lot of things have kinda taken a tumble in my life and so I feel like I'm back to square one. I stopped going to therapy although I still utilize my university counselor for free. My therapist wasn't the best and I couldn't afford her rates in the end. My insurance wouldn't cover it. So I just stopped going. I also stopped going to class and then it became aca me this big thing and I couldn't go back for fear in general. So now basically I'm going to fail this year, again might I add. I'm tired of disappointing my family. They've really don't their best but I don't know how much more slack they'll give me. I truly never meant to hurt them but sometimes I just feel like I don't know what to do with my life/ myself/ my future.

Anyway I had traveled recently and I missed some days off my depression meds so maybe it has something to do with it. Anyway my dad's memorial of his passing was two weeks ago and I thought my ex would contact me because she knows it's a tough day for me but not a peep. Not a message, nada. If I'm honest and this is in no way to undermine anyone else's journey or look for backlash I'm just trying to resolve what's going on in my life. If I'm honest I still yearn for contact from her. In essence I still yearn for her. It's been so difficult to move on from her. It's been 9 months and still I struggle to disconnect.

Basically my thoughts keep going to the why. Why did she leave? Why hasn't she come back. And I've read so much literature with so many conflicting opinions I don't know which way is up anymore. Some schools of thought say that if you truly love someone you want them to be happy even if that's not with you.

And then I ask myself why didn't she want to be with me. And I look at my life and I already hate myself and feel I'm not good enough already, even before this and I can point to a million reasons. I'm old af and still in school. I have no job, no money, no prospects on the horizon. Why would anyone want me?

And then I think that it's been so long she's definitely moved on. She's definitely found the perfect guy for her. A provided, successful, ambitious, rich, good looking, great in the sack. Basically better than me in every way. That's how my mind thinks so thus she's gone forever. And the rejection eats me up inside because looking back although I know it wasn't working but I was willing to work at things. The only time I wanted to leave was because of her bad behavior. Writing that down I'm like why would I want someone who treated me badly or behaved badly. Maybe I want an illusion or the idea of who I think/ thought she was.

Anyway so then the rejection comes back to me. That I wasn't good enough, that I didn't do enough or should've done more. Because if I was perfect for her she would've never left. But maybe it's the way I am, I hate later hearing my partner has been miserable with me. I always try my best to give my partner what they need. Make them happy. Maybe I'm a people pleaser and that's not attractive.

Anyway looking back I can see where I played a part in our demise. I was always afraid to lose her. I made her way too much of a priority in my life. I was jealous. I was probably needy. I wasn't confident or felt like I deserved her. Although she gave me clear signs that all of this was to the contrary but that's besides the point. I'm owning those parts of me and working on them.

I guess what hurts is that I loved her more than she loved me. And it feels like it was all a lie. When she told me she loved me and would marry me. I feel like I had my time wasted and was taken advantage of by someone who never had any intention of doing any of the things they said. I'd be lying if I said I never saw us not working out. There were so many red flags for me in the beginning. But I pushed them aside. And then I fell in love. And she made me feel more alive than I ever have. And now I'm slowly realizing that that all meant nothing and she's really gone for good. Never ever coming back. But yet I can never forget that time we spent, the things we did. The things she told me. What I told her... .But with my luck she has... .My mind tells me that she's totally moved on. Some other guy now is the apple of her eye and he gets to have everything I failed at or was supposed to have. He's her focus of attention now. And I think to myself why does it hurt because if and when I move on I'd be doing the same to her. She won't be the focus anymore and I actually want that. Maybe it's my ego. I guess I find it hard to just delete or erase people like they didn't really matter.

Anyway long story short this experience really cut me deep. And I think to myself that even if she was happy for me I wouldn't want it. Because it'd be like we'll I didn't want you but I'm so happy you found someone in the end. And I'm like u don't deserve to be/feel happy for me or have any kinda say in my life because you were the one who destroyed me.

Sorry for the convoluted rant. I really had to get this off my chest. It's been eating away at me and still is and I need to heal it. Any help with be greatly appreciated.

[Cromwell]

Hi Heffen

ive speed read through this, what crops up as the main issue is self esteem issues and I see the same get repeated over and over in many other threads. A feeling of not being good enough but often, no specifics, just a general feeling.

I think its worthwhile to try and pinpoint specifics of what you feel about yourself that led to a belief of not being "good enough" for your ex. The end of the relationship could have been for factors that arent even related to this and often we can beat ourselves up over something that has became exaggerated.

Lastly, it is also important to realise how these insecurities were allowed to manifest themselves during the relationship. Ive had my own insecurities in relationships, but my partners have never made me feel them, ive felt at ease and comfortable just the way I was. In regards to my ex, she had a critical nature of others in general stemming from her own insecurities. I realise looking back that I could have worked myself to the point of whatever her ideals were and the goalposts would just be changed, ironically, I have the feeling that the reason we have finally broken apart was because I did change myself for the better and without sounding aloof or arrogant, there are signs there that I became "too good" for her as opposed to being deficient. It took a lot of reflection to start to come to these insights, I recommend you dig a bit deeper into the specifics of where that thought comes from rather than generalise it. Once you do, there is the scope to make changes of things that can be changed.

[heffen]

Hi Heffen

ive speed read through this, what crops up as the main issue is self esteem issues and I see the same get repeated over and over in many other threads. A feeling of not being good enough but often, no specifics, just a general feeling.

I think its worthwhile to try and pinpoint specifics of what you feel about yourself that led to a belief of not being "good enough" for your ex. The end of the relationship could have been for factors that arent even related to this and often we can beat ourselves up over something that has became exaggerated.

Lastly, it is also important to realise how these insecurities were allowed to manifest themselves during the relationship. Ive had my own insecurities in relationships, but my partners have never made me feel them, ive felt at ease and comfortable just the way I was. In regards to my ex, she had a critical nature of others in general stemming from her own insecurities. I realise looking back that I could have worked myself to the point of whatever her ideals were and the goalposts would just be changed, ironically, I have the feeling that the reason we have finally broken apart was because I did change myself for the better and without sounding aloof or arrogant, there are signs there that I became "too good" for her as opposed to being deficient. It took a lot of reflection to start to come to these insights, I recommend you dig a bit deeper into the specifics of where that thought comes from rather than generalise it. Once you do, there is the scope to make changes of things that can be changed.

Hi Cromwell,

Thanks so much for your reply.

Yeah my self esteem is at an all time low right now. I agree with tmyou that it's would be good to get specific and if you'll humor me here's where i feel it stems from in regards to my ex. I just felt like I couldn't do right by her. I was damned if I did and didn't. She would say she needed space and I'd feel her pulling away but when I did give her space she would want to be all over me the next moment. So I was never sure what she needed to feel comfortable. I was kinda walking in eggshells about that and would try act cool about it but was fearful she was just going to lose interest. I never pursued but I felt like I was in a catch 22.

Another time she told me she is allergic to weakness because her mom was very unstable and almost like a child. I think her mom had BPD as well so she needed someone who was always strong and had a hold on their ___. I felt like I couldn't be that person because as stated before my self esteem hasn't been there. And lastly she wanted to be married by now with a kid or two. Financially I'm nowhere near ready to have a family and that's something I'm embarrassed about. I'm 31 this year and that brings a lot of shame to me.

So in my view I sometimes feel like I failed her. Like I wasn't man enough or didn't step up to the plate. I guess that's where I feel a lot of my shame and grief and unworthiness. She broke up with the guy before me for many of those reasons. He was unemployed, not driven and eventually their relationship just fell apart. When we started dating she'd confide in me about it a lot. She even compared us early on and I told her I'm not him im a totally different person. In a way did she manifest me again and see a dead end like she did with her ex? That's something that had always been on my mind.

Regardless of this relationship I just have a hard time figuring out my life and my role as a man in general. What's right, what's wrong. What's society's expectations on me and this breakup has just magnified that in my mind and made me feel inadequate. I literally look at all facets and can somehow find a reason for why I failed or am not good enough and it's destroying me but I don't know how to get out or even what reality kind of is anymore. Not to be over dramatic. I just feel overwhelmed, like what's the point anymore?

[heffen]

Oh and about insecurities I guess I've always had a strong fear of rejection/ abandonment by my partner. Ie they would leave me for someone better. My ex would always tell me about her previous lovers and escapades and they were fine when we just fooling around. I guess the nail in the coffin was her texting the other guy during our relationship and telling him she misses him and all this other stuff. And that our relationship sucked. I know she didn't choose to work on us and if she was truly that miserable then why didn't she say so? Or maybe we were just way too incompatible. And as irrational as I know it sounds I still put that on me. That I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't exciting enough for her. That I did something to sway her attention from me. Idk I just want to be someone's ideal one day and I invested so much and I never wanna hear my partner is unhappy or quietly not feeling amazing about us.

So I guess the act of her texting dude made me more insecure. And I was ready to leave her because of it. She just couldn't communicate and I told her it was unacceptable to me that she's chatting to dude she used to sleep with and she said it wasnt a problem but she can understand where I'm coming from but never changed. She still kept texting him and then dumped me at the end of it all. And yet I'm the one left screwed up while from what I've heard she's OK and doing well... .

Sorry went off on a rant but just being as honest as possible. Really need all the help I can get.

[Cromwell]

Hi Heffen

my advice is that in any relationship not just BPD, since you have no idea what the person you want to be with wants you to be (from your post: "someones ideal" you might aswell just be yourself.

Since your last relationship with a pwBPD doesnt know themselves who they are, let alone what they expect from you, it isnt realistic in my mind to generate too much talk of self doubt that you couldnt be the person that was "good enough". These feelings are just heightened by having the goal posts shifted so many times, I can fully understand and relate as to how you have ended confused.

As for that feeling at 31, its normal, its a good sign. You are just having an inner urge that you want to achieve more in life.

You have just came out of your 20s, It is not an unusual feeling at all, rather than fear that impulse, see it as something to work with, you have a long life still ahead to strive towards your goals. With regards to marriage, look at the divorce rate, a representation of how many people got together without having had gained suitable experience of selecting partners that had the right rapport. You have the opportunity to date and gain experience now, to find a partner that you have the right rapport with. You found out she had qualities you didnt like, these were not behaviours you forced her to do, they were things she did herself and displeased you. Recognise that and emphasize that your expectations were not met if you want to judge yourself as not having met hers. View it from both sides.

You did your best, you were yourself, regardless of what any faults you believe exist that stop you finding someone who will appreciate you for who you are, it is a wrong self sabotaging belief, and nothing more. My advice is to identity the things youd like to improve on, use that impulse you feel as a positive and keep dating regardless of where you are at now. Go for women you want not who you feel you deserve, all they can say is no.

the most important thing about rejection, which is inevitable when you are going through relationships, is to accept it as an occupational hazard of the goal of finding the right person and above all not to reject yourself.

[heffen]

Hi Heffen

my advice is that in any relationship not just BPD, since you have no idea what the person you want to be with wants you to be (from your post: "someones ideal" you might aswell just be yourself.

Since your last relationship with a pwBPD doesnt know themselves who they are, let alone what they expect from you, it isnt realistic in my mind to generate too much talk of self doubt that you couldnt be the person that was "good enough". These feelings are just heightened by having the goal posts shifted so many times, I can fully understand and relate as to how you have ended confused.

As for that feeling at 31, its normal, its a good sign. You are just having an inner urge that you want to achieve more in life.

You have just came out of your 20s, It is not an unusual feeling at all, rather than fear that impulse, see it as something to work with, you have a long life still ahead to strive towards your goals. With regards to marriage, look at the divorce rate, a representation of how many people got together without having had gained suitable experience of selecting partners that had the right rapport. You have the opportunity to date and gain experience now, to find a partner that you have the right rapport with. You found out she had qualities you didnt like, these were not behaviours you forced her to do, they were things she did herself and displeased you. Recognise that and emphasize that your expectations were not met if you want to judge yourself as not having met hers. View it from both sides.

You did your best, you were yourself, regardless of what any faults you believe exist that stop you finding someone who will appreciate you for who you are, it is a wrong self sabotaging belief, and nothing more. My advice is to identity the things youd like to improve on, use that impulse you feel as a positive and keep dating regardless of where you are at now. Go for women you want not who you feel you deserve, all they can say is no.

the most important thing about rejection, which is inevitable when you are going through relationships, is to accept it as an occupational hazard of the goal of finding the right person and above all not to reject yourself.

Hey Cromwell.

Thanks for this I've read it a couple times over. It really hit home. You're right I did my best at the time. I really did but it's a situation that's beyond just me.

I guess I'm realizing that my anxiety really stems from fear. Fear of losing her, fear that she is the best I can do and that I'll be stuck because of it. Fear of what the future holds. For now I don't even want to date because as unbelievable as it may sound I'm still not over her and have some unresolved issues. It's just hard and I know it will take time. I guess the hardest part is letting her go because in this situation no matter how hard I try I feel it will end badly for me. And I adore her but I can't risk another breakup or my sanity. And in a way I feel like I owed her more somehow, like I could've done better or helped more or been understanding but I had no clue what I was dealing with. And I'm still learning more and more about BPD. Again it's just hard to let go and walk into the unknown.

I definitely wouldn't want to put someone else through something with me when I still have feelings for her. Whatever they may be but it's hard because it can get lonely sometimes and I yearn to have a partner I guess.

Anyway only time will tell, I need to come to grips that's its time to properly move on. The great lessons I've learned from this though is that I have become a lot more emotionally strong, it's taught me to love myself more. Be more objective when choosing a partner and not just go for whoever is around just because we like eachother. I don't regret it because I did get to experience amazing things and an amazing love with her but the reality is time for hope has ended and it'd time to move on.

Thanks again for your kind words. Who knows I might be back here soon backtracking but at least I know what I need to do.

[Harley Quinn]

What steps can you take for yourself heffen that are positive for you right now?  It sounds like there are some things you'd like to change in your life for yourself, and doing things for yourself is the best reason - not to meet someone else's expectations or wishes but to fulfil our own.  What's happening with your studies?
  Sometimes we become fixed on thinking about another person because it feels harder to look at our own stuff.  Do you have support from your counsellor still?  If so how is that going?

Love and light x

[heffen]

What steps can you take for yourself heffen that are positive for you right now?  It sounds like there are some things you'd like to change in your life for yourself, and doing things for yourself is the best reason - not to meet someone else's expectations or wishes but to fulfil our own.  What's happening with your studies?
  Sometimes we become fixed on thinking about another person because it feels harder to look at our own stuff.  Do you have support from your counsellor still?  If so how is that going?

Love and light x

Hey Harley,

There are tons of steps I can take for myself that are positive. And I know I need to do them for my sanity but it's difficult. I've never really been great at making new friends. Or starting new activities. But I want to. I guess I've gotten used to the pain and sitting in it and trying to fine comb through every single detail that getting out of this state almost feel more painful and scary than being in it.

But yeah there's definitely loads of things I'd like to change in my life and to cut myself some slack I have been doing some positive things but I still feel empty. Maybe it's the coming back to my room every day and just the feelings that this space brings.

Anyway I'm rambling. My studies unfortunately are taking a hit and that's also causing me a lot of stress cause it's just compounding and feels like the hole is getting deeper. I basically didn't attend any classes last semester so when I get off holidays gonna have to face the music.

As for my counselor yeah I still go for sessions and I'm still on meds. It's going good it just takes a long time to get through things with her. One session a week is definitely not enough. But we've built a rapport and she knows where I'm coming from and has been very helpful. Just haven't been able to see her cause her dad is ill. So hanging in there until our next session.

Lastly I think what's been the most difficult is that my life literally changed after this breakup. How I felt about myself, my friend group, my studies. A lot of things were affected and I guess it just going to take time to feel normal again.

Anyway thanks for reading and sorry it was so long and all over the place.

[Harley Quinn]

Don't apologise heffen.  We all come here to offload and can be long and all over the place.  We get it.  A lot of stuff comes with a breakup like this.  As you get a little further out you will probably find that you are grateful for the opportunity to almost hit reset on your life.  Now you have the opportunity to make it look the way you would like it to be and to focus fully on that.  I know it can be hard to motivate yourself when you are stuck in a slump.  Trust me.  However no matter how small, you really have to make yourself take one of the steps.  And then another and another.  Slowly but surely they add up and whether you realise it or not, you'll be moving forwards.  Rome wasn't built in a day.  It takes time and effort to make changes. 

So my challenge to you is what will you do (and commit to do) today that you've been putting off?  It could be a phonecall to enquire about an interest group in your area.  Or a trip to the library to see what is going on that you can get involved in locally to meet new people and do something you enjoy.  It could be to engage in a hobby you've let fall by the wayside or to reconnect with friends for a coffee or just a chat.  If being alone in your room is the trigger for the thoughts, get outside and go for a walk.  Smile at passers by.  Whether you feel like it or not.  Sometimes we just have to do these things to get the ball rolling and the wellbeing feelings come later.  What will it be?

Love and light x

[heffen]

Don't apologise heffen.  We all come here to offload and can be long and all over the place.  We get it.  A lot of stuff comes with a breakup like this.  As you get a little further out you will probably find that you are grateful for the opportunity to almost hit reset on your life.  Now you have the opportunity to make it look the way you would like it to be and to focus fully on that.  I know it can be hard to motivate yourself when you are stuck in a slump.  Trust me.  However no matter how small, you really have to make yourself take one of the steps.  And then another and another.  Slowly but surely they add up and whether you realise it or not, you'll be moving forwards.  Rome wasn't built in a day.  It takes time and effort to make changes. 

So my challenge to you is what will you do (and commit to do) today that you've been putting off?  It could be a phonecall to enquire about an interest group in your area.  Or a trip to the library to see what is going on that you can get involved in locally to meet new people and do something you enjoy.  It could be to engage in a hobby you've let fall by the wayside or to reconnect with friends for a coffee or just a chat.  If being alone in your room is the trigger for the thoughts, get outside and go for a walk.  Smile at passers by.  Whether you feel like it or not.  Sometimes we just have to do these things to get the ball rolling and the wellbeing feelings come later.  What will it be?

Love and light x

Ur absolutely right HQ. Very wise words I cant thank you enough. I'm learning albeit very slowly that perspective is everything. And although I'm not where I once was in a way as you said I got to hit the reset button and now have the chance to create what I want. Also I got to realize the people who are my true friends. Had a large friend group and although that was comfortable the real ones are the ones who stuck around. And I'm very grateful for the few real ones.

I also have been helping and partnering with my other buddy who recently launched a company and have been make some extra money from that and meeting new people and had some great experiences. While I was home I was so healthy and got my whole family healthy. And most of all I'm grateful for people like you, Cromwell, literally everyone on here who took the time to help out and share experiences.

So to answer your question, what am I going to do. Well what I can do right now is clean my room. Its been a hot mess . Just took a shower, feel great and clean and I've got some illustrations to do for a client for next week. Oh and go outside for a walk to get some groceries. It's not much but it's a start. And I think that's what I need to really own. That where I'm at in general it not much but just to be OK with it and grateful for all the things that I do have and how far I've come so far.

Thanks again... .

[Harley Quinn]

That's a great start!    You're absolutely right that it's those who truly care about us who stick around when things shift in our lives and I'm pleased that you've been able to do some work with one of your remaining friends.  Try to take a moment every day to think of all the positives right now and gradually build upon these.  You'll develop momentum in no time with that outlook!  Keep us posted on how things are going and check out others' threads.  It's also good for perspective to see how others are doing in the various stages and a good feeling to share from your own experience.

Love and light x 

[RomanticFool]

I feel that love is a myth at the moment because I am currently detaching from somebody I had an affair with for years and I feel hurt and betrayed. In my case the intoxication of the sex and her apparent emotional fragility drew me in as we are attracted to our emotional equals.

The problem is that human beings are fallible, unreliable, unpredictable and many of us are damaged. As painful as this is we must not lose hope as there is a world out there full of wonderful people who are also looking for a committed r/s with somebody reliable. You just have to find them.

However, before you do that, look to yourself and examine why you were drawn to a woman who was disordered. In my case a beautiful unavailable damsel in distress who seems like she needs rescuing but in fact doesn’t, draws me in every time. I am beginning to understand the reasons for this. I seek validation, love, adoration and reliability. Sadly that is just not possible with a person with BPD or BPD traits, especially as I have my own abandonment issues. It is so easy to get drawn into a push/pull cycle without being able to get off the spinning wheel of dysfunction. Keep coming here and keep posting.