Tell us what you were like before this relationship began

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Many times we give up parts of our selves that we cherish when we become involved in a relationship. Can you share with us what you were like before you became involved in your current relationship? Is there any way to rediscover these parts of yourself while in this relationship? Did you give up some of your close friends to spend more time with your partner? Is your relationship more strained with your family members? What activities did you enjoy that you no longer do or do less of?

[zachira]

Many times we give up parts of our selves that we cherish when we become involved in a relationship. Can you share with us what you were like before you became involved in your current relationship? Is there any way to rediscover these parts of yourself while in this relationship? Did you give up some of your close friends to spend more time with your partner? Is your relationship more strained with your family members? What activities did you enjoy that you no longer do or do less of?

[pearlsw]

Hi zachira,

Thanks for asking! Hope others join us here soon!

I no longer do my favorite sport - swimming. Partly it is because of nothing here in this foreign country being convenient or easy or affordable, but I also think my SO has been steering me against it for years. He did have a meltdown once when he didn't like the way I dressed after swimming at a nearby pool. It was so close by and I covered up, but he was upset by how I looked nevertheless. It is not fun to be with a jealous person.

I was just thinking today I might like to make a push and get this piece of my life back!

take care, pearl.

[Red5]

I love these posts…

The “before” times,

Can you share with us what you were like before you became involved in your current relationship?

*I think I was pretty carefree, happy in my own skin, nothing really bothered me, I was a “live and let live” kind of guy, a playful
practical joker… happy-go-lucky… "my own boss"... .fiercely independent... .maybe a bit of a wonderer (adhd? Lol), but certainly NOT lost  !

Is there any way to rediscover these parts of yourself while in this relationship?

*…”fraid not”… she would never permit it !

Did you give up some of your close friends to spend more time with your partner?

*… yes, I think she was maybe became very jealous of my friends, and confidants et’ all, before she came onto the scene?

Is your relationship more strained with your family members?

*Absolutely !… I understand that this occurrence is a resolute marker with the BPD phenomena (?).

What activities did you enjoy that you no longer do or do less of?

*Backyard time, shed time (woodworking)… fishing, “wondering”, ie’ walkabouts… gardening; all but gone now ; (

Red5

[Nixie_3]

I was just thinking today I might like to make a push and get this piece of my life back!

take care, pearl.

I really hope you do! I love swimming as well and my SO made me feel like I could hardly ever do it because the pool was a half hour away. Have you ever hear of the book "Blue Mind?" It's about the healing power of water. It looks like an interesting read and if you enjoy swimming you may like it.


In response to the original post: I do feel like my other relationships have taken a toll. I just saw my best friend last week after almost of year of not seeing her. She does have a challenging schedule to work around, but even though my SO never said I couldn't see her there was just this feeling from everything that I couldn't spend too much time away from him. Even when I would go to events with my family and he didn't want to come, I would leave early and the whole time almost wonder what time I could leave that wasn't too early to make my family feel hurt but not too late for my SO not to feel hurt. It's ridiculous. I had recently resolved to stop letting his feelings isolate me from my friends and family and I have held firm about weekly riding lessons. I hope everyone can get a little bit of themselves back, you all deserve it!

[pearlsw]

I really hope you do! I love swimming as well and my SO made me feel like I could hardly ever do it because the pool was a half hour away. Have you ever hear of the book "Blue Mind?" It's about the healing power of water. It looks like an interesting read and if you enjoy swimming you may like it.

Hi Nixie_3!

How nice of you ! Thank you for the recommendation. I'll take a look. hahahaha. I was about to say I'm a little fish, but I think that is evident.  

take care, pearl.

[BetterLanes]

Hi Zachira and all,

This is the first thing my T wants to talk with me about when we start sessions properly! She would like to meet teenage me. I think a problem here is that teenage me was rather a mess, and thought that the things that little me had liked were uncool, and picked a new set of more appropriate likes that I didn't really like in order to try to fit in better and be cooler. I liked fitting in so I liked the new likes because of that. I was then in romantic relationships from age 15 and with H from age 18 so just copied their likes to fit in with the relationship, and didn't really mind this because I didn't fundamentally like my own teenage likes anyway. I have more recently found some things that I like that H has never himself had an interest in. Can you guess if he now likes those things, or absolutely the reverse? That's right. When/if I get free literally or psychologically, there will definitely be a Step 0 of identifying what I actually do like to do and going ahead and doing some of it!

BetterLanes

[Cat Familiar]

In my first marriage, I was young and naive and I allowed my BPD husband to overrule lots of things that I previously enjoyed. I subsumed my personality into his wants, likes, needs, desires and though I could identify what I didn't want, I had little awareness of what it was that I did want.

After many years of a BPD nightmare of a marriage, I finally clawed my way to freedom. Then I went to therapy for a couple of years, hoping never to repeat that mistake.   

I remember my therapist saying, "We've got to build you a self."  And indeed she did.

For a number of years I lived alone, dated a nice man (with PTSD from military service and a crazy daughter) and refused to let that relationship progress beyond casual dating.

Then, the man who I believed to be "the love of my life"--my current BPD husband, who I'd known as a friend for many years, was suddenly unattached and we began dating. I still was a bit gunshy, so when he proposed rather soon after getting together, I made him wait a couple of years before we got married. Apparently this was not long enough for all the BPD craziness to show up.

So, long story short, I'm pretty much the same person as I was when I began dating him, with the exception I no longer have stars in my eyes and think of this relationship as my fairytale romance. That said, I'm even more set in my ways than I was when I first got together with him. At that time, I was a bit more open to exploring his interests, but now I'm firmly entrenched in my own and he's welcome to do the things he likes without me.

Therapy has been a net positive for me. However, I did get together with someone who has very few common interests with me. We really don't enjoy many of the same things, but there are a few shared interests.

[MrRight]

Good question - makes me sad to think about what I was like 17 years ago before I let this madness take charge of my life.

But I'm not that different - I was easy going then and am so now. That's probably what got me into this - if I had been more critical about my life with less of compromising this never could have happened. I always liked to please people even if that meant some inconvenience to myself.

I laughed a lot more then than I do now - still have the same humour, which is now unexpressed for fear of censure.

Listened to music more - went for aimless walks - saw my family regularly. It's all gone now.

[AskingWhy]

Before, like Red5 and Cat, I was happy-go-lucky and confident in myself.

After my RS with uBPD/uNPD H, my whole self-concept changed.  I now have a PTSD after more than 20 years of marriage.

H is hypercritical, ordering, demanding and emotionally abusive.  Divorce threats became his weapons of choice to control me.  For many years, it worked.  (He is not like this with his adult children, who emotionally abuse him and demand gifts and money--ironically, blackmailing him.)  His children are like emotional spouses, and he fawns all over them, taking his own opinions from the mouths of his children.  (BPDs often have no sense of self, and H gets his views from his friends and children.)

On top of this, the rages and violence of breaking things and punching holes in walls gave me PTSD.  When I am with him, I cannot be my relaxed, happy self.  It's like I am "working for him."  I cannot relax when H is around.  I get home from work earlier than H, but when I hear him enter the house, I go on "high alert," as if I should be working and not reading a magazine or doing something fun for myself.  I recall an article online where BPD men "control through criticism" of their partners.

I guess "walking on eggshells" is the best way to put it!  Lately, though, with the help of a counselor, I am allowing myself not to cater to H's whims and take back who I was.   I no longer let the opinion of my H dictate whether or not I am happy.   If he dysregulates and splits, and makes divorce threats, breaking things, I no longer cower in fear nor rage back.  I take it matter-of-factly and leave him to clean up his own mess be it a broken wine glass with wine all over the kitchen, or broken crockery.  (I make sure pets and grandchildren are safe from glass shards, etc.)

H knows, somehow, that he has lost control over me, and I am now my own woman.  He really can't see how I have changed.  I see the hollow person he is and how frightened he is, and how little sense of self he has.  How can I be intimidated by such a pathetic man?

[Cipher13]

There seems to be a lot of similarities with everyone. Before my relationship I wouldn't say I was anymore outgoing than I am now. That said I know I have very little control of my life. I've tried to get back into 2 of my favorite hobbies. Playing guitar and hunting/fishing/hiking. After a couple years of trying to get back into these hobbies I have sold my guitars and everything related to them. I am so very limited in my hunting/fishing/hiking  that it seems more work than fun to pursue. Last fall I was out hunting and would get bombarded with texts (when I didn't turn the phone off) and the constant harassment of her being left alone for hours while I was "screwing someone and not where I said I was. I would send pictures of my surrounds but she would tell me that I faked the background. I mainly went to just get out of the house and sit in nature.

What I have lost the most with this relationship. My family and friends. I haven't seen them in 16 years or so. I miss them all terribly.

[pearlsw]

Hey all,

After a rough day I'm back again on this helpful post because it is a nice reminder of who I am... .

Before all this I smiled a lot more, was more peaceful inside. I didn't feel denigrated or confused so much. I felt more free and like I could see a future out there somewhere off in the distance.

I am not sure about relationships anymore really... .I just don't know, they just take so much out of me... .it's getting harder to remember what it's all for anymore as this one drowns me a bit, why I bother having one at all I often wonder... .Ick!

thanks, pearl.

[midori]

Even being scorned by my family and always with few friends, I have always been a happy and willing person.

I always became interested in the places I went, because I know how to talk about various subjects, because it is funny and interesting.

Despite this, I was an insecure person with low self-esteem, when I started to get real with the T, it was incredible how I had everything I needed, but at the beginning I was charged for what I was not.

Always charging me and entering the looping of fights and sorrow for situations that I was not guilty of, such as his childhood traumas or previous relationships. After two years of relationship I gave up of myself.

Today I am a sad and unmotivated person, I am not able to be happy for anything that happens, people always ask me if there is something wrong happening to me, I am tired and empty-headed.

I gave up everything I did and even what I want to do today. I do not go to the gym, or go to the movies or theater, even reading books became a task that "bothered" the T. My work performance fell, I even lost several clients. I spend the day at work and when I arrive I have to deal with fights and suicide threats.

To complete he started the "girlfriend" when our agreement was to go out with other people just for sex, the T is emotionally involved with her and does not accept that it hurt me, for him I have to accept absolutely everything that he does to "stay best" even if it includes betrayal.

I started reading the book that told me this forum and I was glad to have any hope, I talked to the about and he accused me "you are knowing my disease to use against me"

Tonight because I did not let him read messages I received on my cell phone, he broke a pen and threatened to scratch, he said horrible things to me, that he would kill himself today for sure and that I should leave him.

I asked "do you really want me to leave?" (I'd really like to know and resolve) and he just burst into tears by saying "I do not have anyone" and other horrible things.

[ILuvABorderline]

Before things got bad... .I was a healthy weight. I showered regularly, wore makeup, kept my hair up, wore flattering clothes. I could genuinely offer a stranger a smile and honestly answer “good” if asked how I was doing. I was more energetic. I got up at a decent time, went to bed at a decent time. My house was reasonably clean. Compulsive eating wasn’t a huge issue, tendencies to obsess were in check, I wasn’t considered a Class 1 hoarder. I didn’t have stomach ulcers. Or have to take antidepressants. Or medications for anxiety. I didn’t have to take Vitamin D due to lack of sunshine. I didn’t avoid all of my friends or family. I was active in church and enjoyed going. My relationship with God was different. I looked my age and not ancient. I looked forward to getting up in the morning. I didn’t fear the night. I enjoyed cooking a variety of different things and experimenting with recipes. I had hope. I didn’t live in my head. I think I was a better wife, a better mom, a better friend, a better person. I cared. I enjoyed reading for pleasure, studying the Bible, etc. I didn’t have a need to hide from the world. I wasn’t perfect by any means... .but I was better. I functioned. I was a functioning human being. I can’t remember the last time I functioned Well. I remembered things. I forget so easily now. I was different... .

[BetterLanes]

Hi Midori and ILuvABorderline,

I'm sorry for all of your troubles! It sounds like you are both in a very low place. I'm no medic but it sounds to me that you both may have clinical depression. I read a lovely book by Johann Hari called "Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression – and the Unexpected Solutions", which explained how depression is a normal response to a situation of difficulty that seems inescapable or unfixable. This book was part of my journey to taking action to deal with my relationship issues. I recommend it to you.

Midori, welcome! From what I've seen you will get the best response and help if you start up a thread of your own on the board. You can ask the admins to start one for you if you are not sure how. I know this feels like a bigger step but you deserve to have your own thread. The people on this board are very kind and will reply and take an interest and help you. Same goes for you ILuvABorderline if you haven't tried starting up your own thread before.

Hope that helps,
BetterLanes x

[ILuvABorderline]

Hi, BetterLanes. Thank you for your concern. I started taking antidepressants a few months following my husbands psychotic break. I honestly cannot tell if they are helping or not but I am afraid of who I am without them at the moment. I believe I have Circumstantial depression. I have been through a lot of things in my life and only two periods of time have I turned to antidepressants. Outside of these events I don't come anywhere close to meeting the criteria of Clinical depression. I take meds to try and manage my stress responses so I don't end up screaming at my children over silly things because of unmanaged stress with my husband. Does that make sense?

[BetterLanes]

Hi ILuvABorderline,

That does make sense yes. It sounds like you are using the antidepressants for a specific purpose here (managing stress) and you understand the relationship is the cause of your depression and directly connected with it. That's pretty cool. One of the most interesting bits of Johann Hari's book was where some medics did a study where they actually asked women being treated with antidepressants (a few decades back) about their life circumstances, and found out some awful things which just hadn't been asked or told about by the doctors whose playbook was to treat the symptoms with meds. But it sounds like you're aware and in control here of your use of the medications.

Have you been able to take any actions that might help improve the situation, apart from coming on this board?

BetterLanes x

[Notwendy]

I might sound like the outlier here, but perhaps my post will give someone hope. I also experienced the lows of my relationship- the transition from a person who had a career, friends and interests to a sad - basically "Stepford Wife" - walking on eggshells with a fake smile on my face, taking care of the house and kids and trying not to elicit my husband's temper.

I was physically present, but withdrew emotionally. I had asked my H to attend MC with me many times and he refused. Eventually though, I think he noticed the change in my attention to him and finally agreed although I don't know if he wanted to. I expected the MC to confront him with his behavior, but she was wiser than that. She knew which one of us wanted a change- and it was me. I was shocked when she told me I was co-dependent and needed to work on that. I didn't quite grasp the idea at first but I was willing to do whatever she said.

I thought I was being the better person. I didn't have anger rages. I was the one reading books on marriage, trying so hard to fix the issues that my H blamed me for. I read piles of marriage books. He didn't read a single one. It seemed I was doing the work to keep the marriage together, so how was it that I was the one with the problem? I was also angry at the MC session. It didn't seem fair that I had the label and he didn't, but I was willing to take the MC's advice.

The self work at times was tough to face. It isn't pleasant to have a T or sponsor turn the mirror on me, but I now am grateful to the ones who did. I didn't realize how much baggage I brought from my own FOO into my relationships. WOE, emotional caretaking was a "normal" for me growing up.

I read the book "Passionate Marriage" and despite the steamy title, it has a lot to say about relationships. One statement stood out to me. They use the term "differentiated" for enmeshment and poor boundaries, and emotional maturity. It said " We choose a partner who is at the same level of differentiation as we are" and then the eye opener: "each partner thinks he or she is more differentiated than the other".

That was true for us. My H thought he was the calm, cool, logical one and I was the one who was the emotional mess. I was the one who wasn't raging like he was. But if we "matched" then I had some work to do. I also realized that I was not the more together person than he was before the relationship. I attracted him and he attracted me- both our strong points and our issues. That meant I had some work to do.

Children growing up in a dysfunctional home don't have a good sense of "normal"- we don't know anything else. If we have maladaptive relationship skills, we don't necessarily know it. We think we are just fine the way we are. My relationship issues led me to look at myself.

They say if we leave a relationship without doing the personal work to see our part in the dysfunction, we are likely to recreate similar dysfunction with someone else. If there are relationship issues with the person I am with, something about me attracted them ( and me to them) before that. I just didn't realize it. Our relationships may challenge us, but working on our part in it, whether or not we stay or leave the relationship seems worth it to me.

[ILuvABorderline]

BetterLanes,

I do go to counseling and have a great therapist. That is one thing I do for myself that definitely helps. I've developed a group of friends that I trust that I reach out to for support. This board has definitely helped. After a very intense night that just felt too "big" to share with anyone else, I found this board. I've seen a lot of good advice on here. One thing I greatly appreciate is that there is a place that doesn't just tell me to leave. That is the main reason I don't disclose things to family and am choosy about who I consider a friend trustworthy enough to share things with.

[Spaceweasel]

Thanks for asking this.  I know that before I met her, I drank less and went to the gym more; I'm not sure how much my fall-off on working out had to do with elbow and shoulder injuries that made weightlifting harder, and how much had to do with extrinsic situations brought on by her.  I feel like when my depression disorder bottomed out before her, it tended to be more chronic--my lows were not as low then, but my baseline was lower.  Now it's more acute, and when I hit a trough it's deep and scary instead of just painful.  When she and I started, I was in therapy; I quit going about six months in because he and I had honestly run out of things to say to one another, and there was very little he could do to help me get better at that point.  I'm pretty sure I would've reached that point even if I'd been single the entire past 2.5 years, but I also feel like it would've been easier to find a new therapist if I hadn't had an SO who rejects the idea of therapy because of one bad experience she had 20 years ago.