Hi GettingMarried,
Oh my! You really seem to have an awareness of what she is doing! That has its plus side - that you can see what she is doing very clearly.
On the other hand, if you had to take a big step back here, what could you do to improve the situation?
In a way, you telling her to sleep when she says she wants to see a movie seems to be inviting, whether you mean it to or not, some conflict. Any chance that if she is sleepy anyway, you could just say, yeah let's watch the movie with the hope the movie might just put her to sleep? Then you aren't there telling her what to do or not do about her sleepiness, ya know? I understand that it should not be a big deal to say that, making a suggestion, however well-intentioned, but it seems to have the potential for conflict built right into it.
Also, if you know she is about to meltdown, why offer an opinion about a controversial topic during this time frame? You could come here to BPD family and start an interesting thread on this topic and we could all discuss it with you.
I didn't know that there was a new documentary about Robin William and that sounds interesting. He was a fascinating human, full of talent, and I find comedians, and the craft of comedy itself, fascinating. I remember being on vacation in Italy many summers ago when I heard he died, and not just died suddenly, but had committed suicide, and that he had a terrible illness, etc., etc. In other words, come and talk it over with us! We're interested and we can handle your opinions and it might give us all a chance to practice talking over potentially controversial topics with our partners. It might also help you feel listened to if you are missing out on that a bit.
It is hard to not be able to talk over certain things with our partners, but it is important to learn when we could talk things over if we just observed some communication rules, and when perhaps something is inevitably going to lead to discord and it might be worth avoiding or limiting.
For example, I've learned I don't like to talk over certain things with my SO related to his kids. My SO wants my help and that is nice, but I have to be careful that it doesn't set off my own emotions and strict beliefs on certain topics - it is not always him that makes a topic difficult. And it is good to see and acknowledge when we ourselves can also be difficult, even if it is often in relation to their issues.
Here's another personal example: I don't like when his kids start blaming his teacher's for things. At times I think they don't take enough responsibility and want to blame their teachers when in my opinion they aren't doing something they need to do, but I am come from another generation and culture. But I recognize this is about my own beliefs and baggage. I am just hearing about these issues second hand for the most part, and my SO has a really demanding/pressured way of asking for help sometimes. Although I also have to admit he is pretty amazing in terms of being willing to get help from other people, how little ego he has in fact in terms of thinking he always knows best.
I've learned I have to set some boundaries around it, around these and other types of discussions involving him/his kids/and his ex, so I don't get upset. I give a little to help him, and then I move onto other things that make me happy instead of stressed. He stresses me because his problem solving skills are not so strong and I don't like getting pulled too deeply into his parenting/ex wife stuff after many years of it. Again, with some things I can help, but not when it just feels like the life is being sucked out of me.
And I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get this, I'm just rereading your post, but,
her saying she wants to punch you in the face is totally unacceptable by the way. Actual violence or threats of violence should be a strict red line. Is she physically violent with you? How do you feel about the threats of violence? How do you respond to this?
wishing you peace, pearl.
