Exhausted and fed-up

[pjmanley41]

Hello, I'm hoping this group helps!  I don't really have any one else--there are not really any mental health resources in my rural area and I'm exhausted with dealing with my 32 year old daughter with BPD.  I've been raising my now 7 year old grand daughter since she was 5 months old because my daughter has serious substance abuse problems.  Periodically she would move in with me, then take the gd and leave for short periods, then bring gd back to me and move in with another substance abuser and then repeat cycle.

Last fall I threw her out after she pushed me down (I'm 61 years old with RA and other health problems) and tried to break my phone to prevent me calling 911.  I told her she couldn't leave with me anymore but I would help as much as I can financially.  I've been disabled many years now and get a small SS Disability check so I can't help much.  She can't keep job because of her violent outbursts and substance abuse... .

She's showed up a couple of times and stayed for a week and it always ended with me telling her to leave or I would call police--she always threatens to take the gd but always leaves her.  Last week she showed up again and this time she wouldn't leave.   I had to call police because she gets so horribly verbally abusive--she knows filthy words I would never use and I have no problem with profanity!  This time she only went a mile away to stay with some "friends" who also abuse drugs.  She keeps calling wanting me to bring the gd to her.  And gets very abusive.  I don't talk to her but she texts and sends snapchats.  I don't want to block her completely because I want my grand daughter to get to talk to her but now she's saying horrible stuff about me to my gd when she calls, texts and snaps.

The local police have said they would have to call DHR for them to determine who gets the gd since I don't have custody but they don't want to let my daughter leave with her.  I don't think DHR with take her from me but my living situation is pretty "poor" "substandard" due to my income and physical limitations. 

I'm emotionally prepared (I think) for what ever happens (unless they decide to put her in foster care... .I don't think I could take that) but I'm having trouble sleeping from worrying my daughter will show up in the middle of the night in one of her tantrums and my stomach has been "knotted-up" since thursday.

I'm sorry this post was so long.  Just really needed to vent.  I've read some self-help books and I have a Master's degree in Counseling Psych. so I have a good idea what I "should" be doing but I'm having trouble knowing what the right thing to do is and not feel guilt/anger/rage!

I'm so glad I found this forum.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi pjmanley41

Welcome to the bpdfamily  
Im sorry for everything you are going through with your daughter, especially when you are trying to manage your own circumstances.  It is so difficult when there are grandchildren involved and we really understand that.  

When I first came here 6 months ago, I took some simple advice that was the catalyst for me moving forward.

Essentially I stepped back out of the drama to reset, look after myself, learn as much as I could about BPD to be in a stronger position to love my DD27 while not losing myself emotionally, physically and financially. I had been rescuing for a long time and i was exhausted.

This is a wonderful article I found very helpful, do you? Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)
 I would also encourage you to reach out to Blueskyday whose circumstances sound so very similar to yours. She has some wonderful insights as do other parents here.

Please know you are not alone and we are here to help you through any time of the day or night.

Take care and we look forward to hearing more from you.  

Merlot

[wendydarling]

Hi there pjmanley41

  
I join Merlot welcoming you here, I'm glad you've jumped in for support. Vent to your hearts content, we are listening, we get it, it's a relief to get it out and share, you are not alone   

I'm hoping this group helps!  I don't really have any one else--there are not really any mental health resources in my rural area and I'm exhausted with dealing with my 32 year old daughter with BPD. 

We can certainly help, that's what we are all about, group support works. You are exhausted, fed up and want to get off the rollercoaster, the cycle and find the peace you and your granddaughter deserve. I'm sorry you are having trouble sleeping from worrying your daughter will show up in the middle of the night in one of her tantrums. She pushed you down last fall and has violent outbursts, and all the verbal abuse it's no wonder your stomach is in knots. Do you have a safety plan pj?

The local police have said they would have to call DHR for them to determine who gets the gd since I don't have custody but they don't want to let my daughter leave with her.  I don't think DHR with take her from me but my living situation is pretty "poor" "substandard" due to my income and physical limitations. 

pj, I think you are right the DHR won't take your GD from you, you have raised her provided love and consistency in a very chaotic situation. Take a look at lesson 2 to your right  if your current approach is not working - change it. And yes it takes courage, we are with you all the way 

We are so glad you found us. How is your day going today pj?

WDx

[pjmanley41]

Thank you Merlot and wendy.  I've started reading the lessons and articles.  Just finally knowing what I'm dealing with has helped tremendously.  For 20 years I've been trying to deal with my DD "normally"--the same way I've dealt with my oldest daughter and their younger brother.  Finally understanding that is never going to work means "if my current approach isn't working... ."

And my own frustration, resentment and anger at/with my DD was beginning to overwhelm me... .this group has helped "de-fuse" that a little and hopefully the choices I have to make in the next few days will be made with less emotionally trauma than they would have been a couple of days ago.

I'm probably not the only person on this board that thinks---you may have just saved my life.

[pjmanley41]

Just had another "run-in" with my DD.  Thanks to this forum I managed to stay (mostly) calm and not engage. 

She only stayed a few minutes and she left with my GD after my GD made her promise to bring her back.  She was still saying ugly stuff about me to my GD but not as bad as usual.  I'm sitting here alone now... .what a relief... .but I'm sick at my stomach and almost shaking.  I'm fairly certain she'll bring GD back since she has no place to go.  But at least the visit didn't end with me having to call the law to get her to leave.

[wendydarling]

Hey pj

It's great to hear from you today   I felt exactly as you do now when I joined Dec 2015, relief. Parents here saved me, held me close, I felt safe and realised through the world class BPD resource available to me here and learning from others I'd work out how to make it to a better place for my situation.  Gentle, small steps, easy does it, focus on the day in hand, be mindful, this is not a race it's a destination. I have pj, I have!

Well done for staying mainly calm today and not engaging. Did you know that 85% of how we communicate is picked up through facial, body expression? It was a real opener to me as people with BPD are super perceptive, kind of follows they are sensitive people.

I'm so sorry you felt sick to your stomach and almost shaking. We often talk here about putting our oxygen mask on first, have you heard of that?

I'm sitting here wondering if your GD is home?

We've got you. 

WDx

[pjmanley41]

WDx--yes GD is home.  DD brought her back and they both stayed.  I had told DD she could move in my camper a few days before the "blow-up" and she's decided to take me up on it.  I have misgivings about it but don't really know how to tell her no when I offered.   I'm hoping it'll work out for the most part.  At least my GD will get to see her on a daily basis--for good or bad.

The tools and articles are great.  Even though I've read all this in the past, somehow with the board here to help put it in perspective, it makes more sense and I can now see ways to apply the advice to my situation.

I have a lot to learn and a lot of changing to do to deal with DD but having people to talk to has really taken off some pressure.

[Feeling Better]

Hi pjmanley41

I just want to jump in and welcome you also, and say how glad I am that you are finding it helpful to be here.

And my own frustration, resentment and anger at/with my DD was beginning to overwhelm me... .this group has helped "de-fuse" that a little and hopefully the choices I have to make in the next few days will be made with less emotionally trauma than they would have been a couple of days ago

I know that you have said that you have read a lot in the past, but what you have written above has led me to wonder whether you have read anything about Wisemind. Here is the link for you in case you have not come across it before:

Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind

Look forward to hearing more from you x