Rages and splitting: He rages at the dog and is controlling over cleaning

[AskingWhy]

My uBPD/uNPD H is prone to rages, especially when it comes to control issues.

My H and I have obligations to babysitting grandchildren and we have several pets.

We sleep with our dogs, and our cats also curl up on the bed.  In the past, we had large dogs sleep on their own mattress on the bedroom floor.  We had one such elderly dog who was deaf and dying, and could not sleep at night, often waking up due to medical problems.  At one point, H was so infuriated with the dog disrupting his sleep that he raged at the poor dog, pulling the dog's mattress out from under the dog in a fit of anger.  The dog was confused and terrified at this. I will take the frightened look on the dog's face to my death.  I immediately defended the dog from H and the rage.  To this day, H's BPD shame forbids me from mentioning this incident because H considers himself an animal lover, but I bring it up as H as some recollection of it.  H, on the other hand, is very obsequious to his adult children, and he gives them money and buys them expensive gifts from computers and vacations to luxury goods and rehab.  (I think one of the children is BPD, another NPD and another with substance abuse and addiction.  They all emotionally blackmail him for their affection and money.)

Recently, one of our dogs was having issues and kept rolling around in our bed. H awakened and raged and the dog, trying to pull the dog off the bed and clean the skin patches.  Again, I defended the dog, and the conversation went south.  H eventually called my lazy a$$, projecting his rage at me and my depression.  At this, I laughed and went back to sleep after comforting the dog.  I have serious medical concerns and also depression over the years of living with a BPD H who controls me even down to how I do the house cleaning. H keeps tabs on how much cleaning I have done for the day and rages if I have not cleaned enough or the manner in which he thinks it should be done.  I earlier posted on how living with H is like working for a bullying boss.

I have revisited the "Eggshells" and am ready to stop care-taking my H and letting him to his own issues.  I have read, "Splitting," by Eddy, and am more open to divorce than ever before.  I am tired of being the rational one in the relationship. In the past, when I disappointed H, he raged and name-called me c---, b---- and other things.  (Since all of his daughters are now adults and im relationships, he does not call me these names any longer, perhaps seeing these are not the names one addresses a woman.)

[Cat Familiar]

I can totally imagine how terrified your poor dog must have been and how that affected you, AskingWhy. And I know you want to prevent a repeat of that sort of thing happening.

My husband would get irritable when the cats disrupted his sleep, so now he sleeps alone, and cat-free, in his studio. I like the cats sleeping on my bed and they're much easier to sleep with, than a cranky spouse who tosses and turns and snores. Also our bedtimes vary considerably.

I'm in bed no later than 10:30, while he will often stay up until the wee hours and read, watch TV or be on the computer. I sleep so much better now that I no longer wait up for him and he sleeps better since my early rising doesn't disturb his best sleeping hours.

Is there a possibility you could sleep in another room with the pets?

[formflier]

Is there a possibility you could sleep in another room with the pets?

Please don't take this as me defending what he did... .yet there is a problem to be solved here. 

I do think you should directly mention this incident (let him rage if he wants) in a neutral way and specifically ask how he would arrange sleeping things (don't suggest anything first)

From an odd point of view, you can see how he could take this that you value an animal over a human (again... .not at all defending).

Animals need to be cared for.

People need to sleep.

There are obviously times when those things come into conflict.

I'm sure you value people living in health... .and can express that as an authentic value.

I'm sure you can value appropriately being taken care of...

What do you image he would suggest to solve this?

FF

[formflier]

I'm in bed no later than 10:30, while he will often stay up until the wee hours and read, watch TV or be on the computer.

 

90% of the time I'm in by 10pm.  Fairly rigid sleep hygiene schedule before that to get ready.

My sleep machine keeps my sleep averages.  If my 7 day average is up around 8... I'm a bubbly... .happy person.

Closer to 6... I'm a zombie.

So... .I go the extra mile to keep it close to 8.

Luckily... .my wife is relatively quiet coming to bed... .so she does her thing an I do mine.  About 50% of the time our dog sleep with us... .5lbs... .doesn't really bother me.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

From an odd point of view, you can see how he could take this that you value an animal over a human (again... .not at all defending).

Karpman triangle with two humans and a dog?

Sleep deprivation can elicit unpleasant behavior and moods, even when we are mindful about that—it’s just biology. We need our sleep, good quality sleep, and plenty of it to recharge body and mind.

Being around someone raging is not conducive to health. Nor is being disrespected and treated like an employee rather than a spouse.

What do you see as your plan, AskingWhy the next time your husband rages at either you or one of the pets?