Dealing with Guilt: She's getting better, but blames me for not helping sooner

[eruannon]

Hi Everyone! My wife is currently in DBT and things are getting a bit better. Her emotional explosions are less frequent and less intense. For example, we used to argue a lot over things that I had done in the past that hurt her feelings, I knew nothing about validation and would get defensive (because the severity of her accusations seemed to be much more than the facts that I remember would warrant). During these arguments she would call me terrible names, throw things at me, and occasionally break some of my expensive possessions. We still have these same arguments, but she stays mostly under control during them.

However, I am having a lot of trouble employing some of the skills I have read about in BPD support forums. I no longer retaliate (when she would go on calling me names and screaming at me, I would eventually lose my temper and hurl insults back at her, especially if she was physically violent), but I am having trouble with validating her feelings. For example, today she brought up that she doesn't understand how I could have let her be sick for so long. She accused me of not respecting her and claimed that she would have gotten help much sooner if I had simply listened to her. My version of this reality is that I became essentially co-dependent. I am the only person that has made money in our relationship (we don't have kids), and I was constantly running to the store to buy her food, supplements, pharmaceuticals, laundry, cleaning, etc. Also, most of our conversations over the past several years were about her problems, and much time has been spent helping her try to figure out what was going on, how she could get help, and how I could help. I helped her find several different psychiatrists, and drove her to all of her appointments because she was too anxious to go alone. I never made her feel guilty about spending money on Drs., even though our finances were very very tight. Finally, after years of trying to find help, she was able to get a BPD diagnosis and is in a DBT program.

I feel like I did everything I could with the tools I had available to me. But I feel very guilty about the things that I did that were not kind. There was a period during all of this that I became very controlling about money (we were having trouble with finances), and would make comments like "can't we get the non-organic?" or "can you get the other one, it's on sale". I would also comment on purchase she made occasionally, in what I know was a condescending tone. She brings these things up constantly, and uses them as evidence that I didn't respect her and didn't care about her. My feelings are that these are things I shouldn't have said, but I don't think they are really outside the scope of normal behavior in a young marriage, especially one as stressful as ours. She also constantly criticizes me for having pressured her into going out when she was socially anxious (we were losing all of our friends, and I was desperate to keep those connections). And for spending money occasionally on social events or take-out when I was simultaneously criticizing her spending habits.

It seems like she won't give up talking about this stuff until she has some explanation for why I did these things, why I wasn't "helpful", why she felt like I treated her like a child. The truth is, I think I did lose a lot of respect for her. She became completely helpless about 2 years after we met, and depended on me for everything. She was so anxious and emotionally disregulated that it was difficult for me to not take control in many situations. I have told her this in the most diplomatic way possible, but she doesn't seem to be happy with this explanation, she still thinks there is something I am not telling her, and wants a guarantee that our relationship won't be like "that" again. I am almost certain that our relationship was bad because there was only one person capable of putting real effort into the relationship (me), and that the DBT is her guarantee that she won't go back to how she felt before. I don't know how to communicate this to her, or if I should even try to communicate this to her. Is this a normal part of the DBT process? How can I be more validating without admitting that my behavior was severe enough to warrant her reactions? How can I deal with the guilt when she is constantly making me feel like I must be a monster?

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[braveSun]

Welcome back eruannon!   

It's nice to see your progress since last time you posted.

However, I am having a lot of trouble employing some of the skills I have read about in BPD support forums. I no longer retaliate (when she would go on calling me names and screaming at me, I would eventually lose my temper and hurl insults back at her, especially if she was physically violent), but I am having trouble with validating her feelings.

First, you are not a monster. pwBPD are notorious with having a difficult time to process their own emotions, so tend to project at the loved one some type of matching interpretation to the harsh feeling they may have about themselves and people in general. Thus their interpretations can be a bit superlative, even though they may have a point sometimes.

I think there you might have not known how to deal with the situation in the past and now you know better. That's really what counts. Naturally for your wife, things tend to be more extreme in her mind than what nons like us would think. That's up to us than to re-adjust the 'accusations' according to context... .maybe in our own minds at least.

It's good that you are reaching out. Many people on these boards have been dealing with similar situations. You're definitely not alone.

The fact that she is in DBT and is doing better is encouraging. I would not leave my sense of self-worth into the hands of someone with a mental illness however.

Regarding the validation skills. Sometimes in the heat of the moment we don't know how to respond within the reasonable range we know would be valuable. Don't beat yourself up. I still have difficulties sometimes to validate my spouse's feelings. It's a work in progress. As long as you're not falling into the violence yourself. So important.

The idea I think, and it would be nice if others would pitch in with their experiences as well, is that you don't need to validate the unvalidable. The feelings she expresses she might associate them with you, but you only need to validate the feelings themselves, not the association. It's a bit like going against the grain. Would you have a bit of an example of back and forth conversation you've been having with her that would result in you feeling guilty? Like she said/he said?

On another hand, do you mind me asking if you have a self care plan? In those intense encounters with our loved ones, its so easy to let our energy deplete to the point where we just don't have the energy to respond with our own values and skills.

Any thoughts?

[RolandOfEld]

Hi eruannon and welcome!

I think braveSun gave you some fantastic ideas to work with. I will just add a little of my own experience.

I am almost certain that our relationship was bad because there was only one person capable of putting real effort into the relationship (me), and that the DBT is her guarantee that she won't go back to how she felt before. I don't know how to communicate this to her, or if I should even try to communicate this to her. Is this a normal part of the DBT process? How can I be more validating without admitting that my behavior was severe enough to warrant her reactions? How can I deal with the guilt when she is constantly making me feel like I must be a monster?

Even if your wife makes a full recovery, it is not for certain whether she will take accountability for her part in the relationship. And as you know, you will never be able to control her behavior, you can only control your reaction to it. I think you need to focus on YOU being OK with what you've done and how you've handled the situation (and, by the way, it sounds like you did an AWESOME job in terms of supporting her and guiding her to treatment). You spent the majority of your marriage in a greenhouse heated by fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG), and this is not an easy habit to put down just because she is in treatment.

The key point is, she is doing what she can for herself - you need to focus on yourself now and getting into a healthier mindset. This is something I'm working on now.

Can you share a little more background on the relationship and how you got her into treatment?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[braveSun]

She accused me of not respecting her and claimed that she would have gotten help much sooner if I had simply listened to her. My version of this reality is that I became essentially co-dependent. I am the only person that has made money in our relationship (we don't have kids), and I was constantly running to the store to buy her food, supplements, pharmaceuticals, laundry, cleaning, etc.

I feel like I did everything I could with the tools I had available to me. But I feel very guilty about the things that I did that were not kind. There was a period during all of this that I became very controlling about money (we were having trouble with finances), and would make comments like "can't we get the non-organic?" or "can you get the other one, it's on sale". I would also comment on purchase she made occasionally, in what I know was a condescending tone. She brings these things up constantly, and uses them as evidence that I didn't respect her and didn't care about her. My feelings are that these are things I shouldn't have said, but I don't think they are really outside the scope of normal behavior in a young marriage, especially one as stressful as ours. She also constantly criticizes me for having pressured her into going out when she was socially anxious (we were losing all of our friends, and I was desperate to keep those connections). And for spending money occasionally on social events or take-out when I was simultaneously criticizing her spending habits.

  ... .I have told her this in the most diplomatic way possible, but she doesn't seem to be happy with this explanation, she still thinks there is something I am not telling her, and wants a guarantee that our relationship won't be like "that" again.

 
   Like RolandOfEld brought up, she will most likely not be happy with your explanation. Explanations have a way to add fuel to the pwBPD insecurities. I've been having the hardest time with stopping myself to justify, argue, defend my point of view, or, ... like you said, explain. Somehow it results in our loved ones feeling invalidated in their particular experience.  Like we, nons, go for logic, and try to 'reason' our spouses. Considering their felt experience, they may not 'reason' things like us, especially when they are dysregulating.  There is a concept for this. It's called JADEing.

  ... .I am almost certain that our relationship was bad because there was only one person capable of putting real effort into the relationship (me), and that the DBT is her guarantee that she won't go back to how she felt before. I don't know how to communicate this to her, or if I should even try to communicate this to her.

   DBT is a therapeutic process which helps pwBPD to learn how to process their emotions in an healthier way, and also learn skills for increasing interpersonal effectiveness, thus easing out the acuteness of their emotions. Over time, if your spouse is doing good work, she will learn new skills and most likely will attain new levels of personal comfort in her relationships and her overall life. While in this process, she may also find out the next thing that is bothering her, and therefore it's to be expected that there will be some disconcerting realizations. It's not up to us to manage their emotions. But it can startle us and if we don't think about it, we might not see that this is also a part of attaining a greater perspective.

Accusations and disappointments are a normal part of a long term relationship. I think here the important part for us non is to learn to distinguish what's ours from what's theirs, considering the possibility for distortions. You seem to be doing a good job in exploring your part.

In life, there are no guarantees, that's for sure. For a pwBPD uncertainty is more difficult to embrace. For us, we can model a certain grace as we have processed these issues for ourselves. It's important when we look at our past mistakes that we practice self-compassion. Like you said, you did the bet you could with the tools you had at the time. Now you may regret the controlling ways you've had back than. It's normal to feel that way. The most important today though, is that you are conscious about the controlling behavior and learn from yourself what it is you need in order to not let that happen again between you both.

You seem to agree with her that you don't want that yourself.
 

Now eruannon, I'm going to ask you a bit of a though question.

What does it mean to you to practice self-compassion? or if that makes more sense, what do you think about the concept of self-forgiveness?