MIL suggested diplomatically providing ex with a book about BPD. Thoughts?

[Baglady]

Not sure if this is the right board or not but here goes.

So I'm recently divorced from my undiagnosed exBPDh after a marriage of 21 years.  He had huge epic mental breakdown at the end of last year and has stabilized considerably since then but still shows many BPD traits.  Our MC has informally diagnosed him with BPD and I completely concur with her opinion - if it walks like a duck etc.  I'm working hard on detaching and moving on with my life but NC is not an option because we co-parent a teen son.  

I'm maintaining contact with my in-laws who are gradually coming around to the idea that a mental health condition is the big factor in our divorce.  My exBPDh is frantically searching and trying to figure out what is going on with himself, searching, trying every (woo-woo) therapy out there in addition to some CBT therapy to try to make sense of some of his poor life choices.  It's been hard on everyone to continue to watch him struggle and flail around in such emotional pain.  My MC and I have not shared and will not share that we think BPD is at play with him.  However my MIL  (who was painted black but is now recycled white again) is now open to the idea of him having BPD.  She has suggested that she could diplomatically simply provide him with a book about BPD to see if this triggers any self-acknowledgement.  She is very concerned though that she not alienate him and she wants to keep the lines of communication open and I understand this.

I'm not sure what to do with this idea.  I know I'm supposed to stay in my lane, work on my own issues and and detach - all of which I'm working mightily on - but my son is in the mix.  I would love to see my ex get appropriate treatment and help for BPD both for his own sake but particularly for the sake of my son and their relationship going forward.  I am not wedded to any outcome in terms of our own relationship (I recognize that there is far too much water under the bridge there).  I think my ex is seeking answers and may really be on board with helping himself appropriately (i.e. DBT therapy etc.) if he just had a clue where to turn.  Can any of you provide any guidance for me on this?  I think I'm too close to the issue to see an appropriate way forward.

[Mutt]

Hi Baglady,

I'll give you a different approach and tell me what you think about it. BPD is pretty scary for a mental illness it has a heavy stigma attached to it and is not widely accepted like depression is. Has he been treated for depression? You could suggest that you think that he has anxiety and depression and he might be more receptive to that and will get help for himself. Maybe once that he has his foot in the door a doctor or a T could tell him if they detect BPD.

[Baglady]

Thanks Mutt,
His T has just diagnosed him with Social Anxiety Disorder and he is doing CBT therapy with him.  However, I and his family members or MC have no contact with this T.  I wonder about the competency of this T to be honest because he has been seeing him off and on for 10 years now and just two months ago he diagnoses him with this disorder?  I do see social anxiety in my ex but I think it's related to his difficulties navigating relationships as part of BPD.

I get that BPD is scary but honestly, I think my ex is flailing so much right now because he is desperately trying to make sense of his life.  I'm not sure but a diagnosis that finally makes sense (even a hard one like BPD) that explains a lot of his issues may be reassuring to him - or not - he could just turn around and accuse me of having it!

[Mutt]

It's hard to diagnose BPD for many T's because of how the symptoms overlap many other disorders. Sometimes it's better not to tell the person that they have BPD because telling them can make the symptoms worse. Another reason that I can think of is for insurance purposes if you get diagnosed for BPD you don't get covered if you get diagnosed for BiP you get covered - it could be intentional it could be a misdiagnosis, if he just recently got diagnosed then it may take time to get a correct diagnosis.

What I would suggest is getting a second and third opinion? Perhaps another T may see social anxiety disorder or BPD or maybe both?

Anxiety Disorders

People with BPD often experience debilitating anxiety, panic attacks and excessive worrying that can be symptomatic of BPD or of a co-occurring anxiety disorder. There are several anxiety disorders that can co-occur with BPD: Panic Disorder, phobias, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Social Anxiety Disorder, agoraphobia and separation anxiety. The rates for co-occurrence vary among the anxiety disorders.

https://www.borderlinepersonalitytreatment.com/5-most-common-comorbid-conditions-with-BPD.html

[Baglady]

Thanks Mutt - I don't think I can go there regarding a new T for my ex but I could suggest it to our MC.  We still go to once a month sessions to ostensibly work on "co-parenting" issues as they arise but really it's an avenue for myself and the MC to take an emotional reading of my ex to see if he is self-regulated enough to handle his custody time with our son.  She also works on some CBT skills with him.  She has debated whether to ask him if she could have contact with his T and maybe this is the next step.

I feel a little side-tracked from my original question re: my MIL and the book.  I'm sensing that you don't think this would be helpful or a good idea simply because BPD is such a difficult disorder for a sufferer to wrap their heads around? 

[Mutt]

I'm sensing that you don't think this would be helpful or a good idea simply because BPD is such a difficult disorder for a sufferer to wrap their heads around?  

I think that your MIL's heart is in the right place I don't think that you'll get the response that you're hoping for. Let’s turn the telescope the other way around, how would you  feel if someone gave you a book on BPD?

[Baglady]

That would be a punch in the gut for sure but my ex is actively going around, seeking and asking friends and family what they think could be wrong with him and I'm not.  He's exploring all sorts of out-there therapies trying to fit the pieces of the puzzle together and I'm not.  It seems almost wrong to withhold a possible answer from him?  I do get your point however and thanks for reframing it for me this way!  I guess MIL will have to shelve this idea.

[livednlearned]

I wonder if a book about DBT might be a less hefty suggestion?

The latest DBT workbook is excellent.

I wonder, too, if it might be helpful to frame it as PTSD, or C-PTSD?

[Baglady]

A DBT book is an interesting compromise - I'll give that suggestion to my MIL and see what she thinks.  She herself was a counselor prior to retirement so it's not left of field for her to be providing a book of this nature to my ex.

[livednlearned]

I've talked to my T about this with two loved ones (not necessarily BPD), including my son whose T believes he is on the autism spectrum. The other is my SD21 who is diagnosed bipolar and most certainly is BPD (undiagnosed).

In both cases, she did not recommend having a family member suggest a diagnosis. We are likely too emotionally activating and won't always be objective enough to see if our timing is off, because family dynamics are harder to see when you're an active participant.

With SD21, there have been a few occasions where she talks about stress in her relationship. I brought up DBT as a special kind of CBT because it has some specific skills for distress tolerance that are helpful. Then nonchalantly mentioned that there is a workbook lying around, and to let me know if she wanted me to try and find it.

Then I just let it go. She didn't ask me for the workbook, but it's no longer there.

That's about as much as I could expect given our relationship.

[ForeverDad]

[My T] did not recommend having a family member suggest a diagnosis. We are likely too emotionally activating... .

Pardon me for seizing just this snippet but I believe it draws attention to a major trigger of BPD responses and overreactions... .BPD is a mood dysregulation disorder more evident the closer the relationship and the person with BPD behaviors has a pattern of not listening to those closest to him/her.  I had read someone's description, and used since, that the past "emotional baggage" from a person so close is a huge hurdle for the pwBPD to overcome and many can't or don't do that.

Whether his mother can make progress with BPD or DBT information, I'd not stop her but also not be too hopeful it will succeed.  One aspect that would impel me to have potential optimism is that he is already trying various ideas.  If they're not sufficient, I would rather he not give up due to him fighting blindfolded in the dark, so to speak.  He is at risk of giving up and limiting his improvement, however much there is.