Looking to detach emotionally

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am already on my way to detaching from uBPD/uNPD H.  I have already examined why I allowed myself to stay in this marriage for over 20 years (my own FOO) and why H is so messed up (his FOO.)  I have read most of the important books on understanding BPD.

I am really tired of the decades of emotional abuse:  the worst name-calling, blaming, H's children put as priority over me even as adults, the broken objects and holes punched in the walls, daily bullying over the way the house is cleaned, etc.

I am tired of always being the one to care and understand, to show empathy, and have my feelings and needs put last.  It's like being married to a toddler who knows only two things:  rage and contentment.

This weariness of suppressing my unhappiness and anger have led to depression.  I have insomnia and can't seem to focus.  I want to sleep all the time.  I am tired, and then H will bully me into doing more housework, calling me "lazya$$ b****."  Then he will split (devalue me) and take off for the home of one of his adult children.  In some cases, he will go to a restaurant where one of his daughters works during her work shift waiting on tables, order a meal from her and gaze at her her a few hours, happy to just talk to her for a few minutes.  It's stomach-turning.

The latest incident is his allowing his adult D to dictate the color scheme in our home.  We are choosing paint colours and H is favoring the ones preferred by his D.  H puts his children before me in the marriage:  it's like H having three mistresses who take his time, attention and love:  one D and the grandchildren, one D who has substance abuse, S in and out of rehab and can't hold a job.  It's nauseating to hear him talk to them on the phone in his syrupy talk like they were three years old.  H's X W had an affair and left H to marry her lover while all the children were very young and some in diapers, so H tries to make up for lost parenting in this way.  He gives his children thousands of dollars in gifts from techware and designer good to paying for their rehab and vacation fares.  My birthdays and anniversary are an afterthought.  Then I get the lecture from H of how unappreciative I am and how good I have it, and how greedy I am, and that I am a thankless b****.

Add to this H's obsession with one of his male friends.  They have been pals for more than 20 years.  The friend is much older than H and H looks up to the man in most of his decisions from politics to buying cars and clothing.

My H has no identity of his own.  So very BPD.  He even puts the opinions of his adult children over mine.

I want a man who will love me and put me first in all things, and have a clear sense of self.  This is clearly not happening now.

I am so close to not caring anymore.  Yes, I have read Bill Eddy's book. "Splitting."  I already have spoken to several attorneys.

[AskingWhy]

I am already on my way to detaching from uBPD/uNPD H.  I have already examined why I allowed myself to stay in this marriage for over 20 years (my own FOO) and why H is so messed up (his FOO.)  I have read most of the important books on understanding BPD.

I am really tired of the decades of emotional abuse:  the worst name-calling, blaming, H's children put as priority over me even as adults, the broken objects and holes punched in the walls, daily bullying over the way the house is cleaned, etc.

I am tired of always being the one to care and understand, to show empathy, and have my feelings and needs put last.  It's like being married to a toddler who knows only two things:  rage and contentment.

This weariness of suppressing my unhappiness and anger have led to depression.  I have insomnia and can't seem to focus.  I want to sleep all the time.  I am tired, and then H will bully me into doing more housework, calling me "lazya$$ b****."  Then he will split (devalue me) and take off for the home of one of his adult children.  In some cases, he will go to a restaurant where one of his daughters works during her work shift waiting on tables, order a meal from her and gaze at her her a few hours, happy to just talk to her for a few minutes.  It's stomach-turning.

The latest incident is his allowing his adult D to dictate the color scheme in our home.  We are choosing paint colours and H is favoring the ones preferred by his D.  H puts his children before me in the marriage:  it's like H having three mistresses who take his time, attention and love:  one D and the grandchildren, one D who has substance abuse, S in and out of rehab and can't hold a job.  It's nauseating to hear him talk to them on the phone in his syrupy talk like they were three years old.  H's X W had an affair and left H to marry her lover while all the children were very young and some in diapers, so H tries to make up for lost parenting in this way.  He gives his children thousands of dollars in gifts from techware and designer good to paying for their rehab and vacation fares.  My birthdays and anniversary are an afterthought.  Then I get the lecture from H of how unappreciative I am and how good I have it, and how greedy I am, and that I am a thankless b****.

Add to this H's obsession with one of his male friends.  They have been pals for more than 20 years.  The friend is much older than H and H looks up to the man in most of his decisions from politics to buying cars and clothing.

My H has no identity of his own.  So very BPD.  He even puts the opinions of his adult children over mine.

I want a man who will love me and put me first in all things, and have a clear sense of self.  This is clearly not happening now.

I am so close to not caring anymore.  Yes, I have read Bill Eddy's book. "Splitting."  I already have spoken to several attorneys.

[pearlsw]

Hi AskingWhy,

I can certainly related to elements of what you are sharing here. I am sorry to hear that you have not felt appreciated! I too must work a bit not to fall into depression and total despair. It is not easy!

Are you working through the steps towards divorce? Do you have any last slivers of hope? How do you expect him to react if you do end things?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[AskingWhy]

Hi AskingWhy,

I can certainly related to elements of what you are sharing here. I am sorry to hear that you have not felt appreciated! I too must work a bit not to fall into depression and total despair. It is not easy!

Are you working through the steps towards divorce? Do you have any last slivers of hope? How do you expect him to react if you do end things?

wishing you peace, pearl.

Thank you, Pearl.  I suspect my marriage is dying by slow degrees and one day I will wake up and make that call to the attorney--unless H does it first.  I really get upset over the emotional incest he has with his adult children from the brotherly fishing trips he has with his son to letting his daughter chose the paint scheme for our kitchen over my decision.  (And she lives in another state, no less.) 

I am getting so close... .

Right now I am being devalued and H is in his den with the door shut.  I can't handle the depression so I am working on not caring any more.  He is raging and saying he does not like being around me (splitting) and I asked him point blank if that was a divorce threat.

I am on to him and his BPD ways, so I don't take it personally any more, but it's still aggravating. 

[Cat Familiar]

AskingWhy,
No one wants to live with an angry raging partner who says unkind things, blames and bullies, damages the house, and dismisses one's wants, needs and desires.

You've done a lot of reading and you're quite aware of your H's limitations and mental illness. You've been here for a while and have learned the tools. What tools have helped you manage your interactions with him, if any?

Right now you're exhausted, depressed, and considering divorce. What would you consider to be the positives about remaining in your relationship and what would be the positives about leaving it?

Likewise, what would be the negatives in either situation?

[AskingWhy]

AskingWhy,

Right now you're exhausted, depressed, and considering divorce. What would you consider to be the positives about remaining in your relationship and what would be the positives about leaving it?

Likewise, what would be the negatives in either situation?

Thank you, Cat.  I have weighed the pros and cons of leaving and staying.  I have read many books on BPD/NPD and abusive relationships.  I am not ready to file for divorce at this point, but tomorrow it may be different. There may be just one straw that breaks the camel's back.

I recall reading a woman was in an emotionally abusive relationship.  One day, her thoughtless husband threw away a stack of magazines without asking her--magazines that she had not yet read.  That was when she decided to have him served.

I feel that it will be this way for me.  One day I will wake up and decide I don't want to be married to this many any more.  All of my good feelings for him will have been destroyed by his BPD, and I won't care to have him in my life any longer.