Had dinner w/stbx and the kids...it was interesting

[mama-wolf]

Tonight was meet the teacher night at the kids' school.  The kids are scheduled be with my stbx this evening, so it was up to her to take them, but I informed her a few days ago that I intended to go as well and we agreed on this with no problems.  I offered to pick up the kids on the way, since my office was closer to them, but she said she wanted to avoid confusion for them and wanted to stick with her picking them up and meeting me at the school.

Knowing her time management issues, I said no problem, but I set a clear boundary that if they didn't make it by the time things started, I would go on in to start talking to the teachers.  I didn't want her running late to take away my time or opportunity for that (which I didn't say to her), and she didn't object.  Then yesterday, my stbx unexpectedly invited me to join them for dinner afterwards. and without thinking much about it I agreed.  I have been hoping that we can do that sort of thing on a semi-regular basis at some point, but in retrospect I think it was too soon.

Today, as predicted, she ran late and didn't arrive with the kids until half an hour into the one-our event.  By the time she arrived, I had a chance to visit both classrooms, and then I met her out front.  I could tell immediately she was out of sorts and stressed out.  I tried to keep things as light and pleasant as possible, greeting the kids (and her), filling her in on what I had already done and giving her the opportunity to supplement information for the teachers.  I stayed out of the way while she visited classrooms and had a chance to speak with the teachers, too. 

As we were leaving, she lagged behind a little, seeming to get more stressed.  I know it was especially difficult for her with the four of us being there but not being one family unit anymore.  By the time we made it down the road to the restaurant, she seemed even more shaken up.  After we sat down at the table inside, it was only a matter of a few minutes before she had to excuse herself to go outside and (I'm assuming) cry/try to pull herself together.

After she came back to the table, we were able to keep a decent conversation going for the most part over dinner.  I mostly focused on interacting with the kids and again keeping things light with my stbx.  At one point, she tried to bring up finances... .how she tried applying for a credit card that she could do a balance transfer to for 0%, but how she couldn't qualify because her name is still on the mortgage for what is now my house.

I didn't take the bait.  The house and finances were addressed in that monstrous 10-hour mediation session a month ago.  The deadline that was agreed upon in mediation for me to refinance in my name only was the end of 2019.  So all I said was that I would refinance as soon as I could, but that I had to wait for my own credit report to improve from the debt I ended up having to carry.  At which point I changed the subject because I really didn't want to be talking about financial issues in front of the kids.

Things wrapped up with dinner relatively peacefully, and we went our separate ways.  I know she was desperately wanting me to show more empathy for her position.  She commented that she was trying not to be too hard on the kids for their behavior, etc. (a major point of conflict for us before separation), and I left that comment alone.  D9 behaved pretty well overall, but S5 had some trouble listening, so I did what I felt I could to help reinforce expectations that he behave better.

Otherwise, I really don't know what she expected.  I know she wanted me to press the kids more on their behavior, but that's too bad.  It was clear she was struggling with the knowledge that the kids would be with me for five days starting tomorrow, and she'll be alone.  Not sure whether she wanted me to be more comforting maybe?  Act more caring?  I figure that would make her feel worse since we're not together anymore--not that I was inclined to do any of that anyway. 

Either way, I'm left in the same damn place as I have been.  Mostly.  I did feel a hint of relief as I drove away from the restaurant, came home to my dog, and sat down with some chamomile tea to watch a little tv before bed.  I didn't get sucked in.  I didn't bend to her will.  I didn't feel the anxiety that I have dealt with so often around her.  But there were enough things this evening that remind me it's going to be a long road ahead.  My mind keeps mulling it all over, so I thought it might help to get it out... .

mw

[Mustbeabetterway]

mama_wolf,

It sounds like you really handled things well despite some issues that could have caused problems such as her showing up late, etc.

You set some boundaries ahead of time which seemed to help you say what you were going to do - if you are late, I will go ahead and speak with teachers... .then you were respectful of her time to speak with them as well.

I think this will get easier for all of you.  You just are beginning to navigate the two separate households reality.

Best of all, you felt a hint of relief

[Lostinthedesert]

It sounds like you handled the situation extremely well!  Good on ya!

[Harley Quinn]

Considering this dinner happened so soon, I think you did tremendously well and as has been said by Lostinthedesert and Mustbeabetterway.  Congratulations on holding strong to your boundaries on yourself to not miss out on valuable time with the teachers due to her lateness and also to not get drawn into discussions you didn't wish to entertain.  Then to go home to your chamomile tea    I'd chalk this up as a very successful day and tuck it under your belt. 

It must be reassuring to know that your interactions are going to be relatively short and you get to go home to some peace and unwind?  Enjoy your five day stretch with the kids and be proud of yourself.  You did amazingly!

Love and light x 

[mama-wolf]

Thank you Mustbe, Lost, and HQ for the encouragement! 

Then to go home to your chamomile tea    I'd chalk this up as a very successful day and tuck it under your belt. 

Yes, I am still working on substituting for the wine or bourbon I might regularly drink in the evenings.  That evening was a "win" but I need to make it happen more frequently

For now, I'll try to take the positives as they come and be patient about the rest.  It's definitely reassuring to have practice successfully sticking to my boundaries, and to know that the limits I am setting do indeed help me feel better in the long run.

I actually had another opportunity for that yesterday (Saturday) because it turned out that D9 had forgotten her iPad at my stbx's house.  I texted to see if we could come get it, and she agreed along with an offer to give me a brief tour of the place.  She sent several long and verbose texts about how it will be good for me to see where the kids will be living 50% of the time, and how it will make the kids happier to give me a tour of their rooms, and how it will help us to reinforce there are good and different qualities of both homes, blah, blah, blah.  She is very bothered by thinking D9 in particular considers my house is her only "real" home, and is she trying to push me into what she thinks is appropriate to combat that.

So I agreed to the tour.  I did want to know what the townhouse looks like so that I can know what the kids are talking about when they speak about it.  But I wasn't taking the bait about the rest.  I had a chance to discuss my stbx's concerns with D9's therapist and D9 in her appointment this past week, and I understand D9's difficulty with just figuring out how to refer to the two locations.  She has to work on differentiating "mama's house" from "mom's house"... .or "house in Town A" from "house in Town B" and I'm not going to dictate how that shapes up.  D9's T even said when she was a kid, she called one home "my house" and the other home "dad's house".  Unless worded very neutrally, I know my stbx would take that sort of thing personally and interpret it an indication of divided loyalties, but I'm not going to take on responsibility for those hurt feelings.

I have to admit that seeing the space was more uncomfortable for me than I expected it to be.  It is new construction and actually very nice inside (new appliances, nice floors, a lot of brand-new furniture that she bought, etc) and it was hard not to be a little envious given the many things around my house that need updating/improving--and the debt I'm carrying that prevents me from doing most of that anytime soon.

I didn't want her in a bad situation... .it's just that her place is a lot nicer than it seems like she would be able to afford.  Especially since she was trying to complain about finances recently.  I do know that this is in part because she got very lucky to find a couple that she could rent from directly instead of going to a rental community.  The situation just worked out well for her, and since it worked out well for her that means it worked out well for the kids (which is ultimately what's most important to me).  The location is a lot less than ideal, which factors into affordability I know, but that's still workable too... .not too far for me to get to, and anyway the kids' school, doctor's office, etc. are all close to my house not hers.

And as for the loyalties, I continue stressing that I will work with D9's therapist on what she feels is appropriate, and otherwise am open to seeing a family therapist with the kids to help them through the transition.  But I won't be pressured into doing things a certain way just because my stbx says so.

mw