Scapegoat question-Why do they slam us when we are happy?

[sparrowfarfrom home]

I haven't posted in a while BPD mom is now in a nursing home.
BPD sis lives near her.
I went NC w sis 3 yrs ago. Long story I will post later about the whole drama.

I was the middle child. Older non brother and BPD younger sister were split good . Their happiness made my mother happy. Whenever I showed any laughter or happiness the ax would fall on me almost immediately.

I was artistic in high school. My non dad was a professional artist. She split him bad most of the tme.
Just recently as the contents of the house were being gotten rid of I hastily asked if there was anything left. There was a pastel that was on her wall among others I did.

He packed it up for me.
She wants me to send it back, says I can have it when she dies,
She has nowhere to hang it.

Why no happiness for the scapegoat?

Need answers

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you being the scapegoat of the family. I am also the scapegoat of my family and know how much it hurts when family members are not happy for you, and get upset when good things happen to the scapegoat. I have a wider perspective than most on the scapegoating and favorite siblings dynamic because it happened in both my parents' immediate families, and with some of my cousins' families as well. Basically, it works this way: Certain children are chosen as the favorites, and can do the most horrible things yet are excused. For example, my sister was a terrible parent, and certain family members can never stop talking about how wonderful she is. Certain children are chosen as the scapegoats. The scapegoat does not receive any credit for good things they do, and are the recipient of the uncomfortable negative feelings of the people with BPD and NPD in the family.
What has helped me most, is to learn to value myself, and to limit my contact with certain family members. Know that you are indeed a person worthy of love and respect. Keep us posted on how you are doing. We are here to listen and support you.

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Hi Zachira,
Thank you for your lovely reply.

Yes I have built a beautiful life full of love and friendship,  and have been working on my core wounds for years.  I have indeed learned my real worth. You have summarized the problem well.

But to add some clarity to my question: What is their BPD reasoning behind this, and not just in relation to my story, but what is the BPD disordered thinking that brings about this response. You see it in npd too. But right now I'm focusing on why the BPD person does it.

Thanks
Sparrow

[zachira]

The person with BPD cannot handle their unwanted uncomfortable feelings so he/she has to have a scapegoat to blame. The person with severe BPD has an empty core, so he/she is constantly looking for a person to define who he/she is in the moment. The BPD seeks people who will cater to their needs who are often the favorite children. The scapegoated children do not go along with the BPD's need for perfect validation or have some characteristics that make the child most likely to be the scapegoat. In my case, I kept asking my mother for love and affection, even though she could never provide it. I also refused to accept being mistreated whereas my siblings continue to seek mom's favor by doing all kinds of incredible things for her.
Know that there is no real justification for being chosen as the family scapegoat, and you will probably never full understand why you are the scapegoat, because it is never okay for a parent to put some children in the family on a pedestal while demonizing other children. The behavior of a BPD parent is irrational and hurtful, and though there are some explanations for their ways, there is really no excuse that is going to end all the hurt caused by a parent that does not know how to love and support their children.

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi sparrowfarfromhome 

I’m so sorry for the pain and suffering. It’s so unfair and cruel.

He packed it up for me.
She wants me to send it back, says I can have it when she dies,
She has nowhere to hang it.

I wonder what would happen if you just don’t send it back?

It’s pretty impossible to know exactly why BPD folks make the choices they do other than making others hurt gives them a sense of control that they don’t have over themselves. They want/need their scapegoats to feel their pain.

I hope you’ll do something extra special for yourself today. You are worthy of love, joy and goodness in your life.

How are you doing today?

L2T

[JNChell]

Hello, sparrowfarfrom home. I can relate to you and others here as well on being the family scapegoat. I’m sorry that you were chosen to fill that role by your disordered parent.  

In many cases, a disordered parent views their children as an extension of themselves. Since the disordered parent has little to no self identity, they will attempt to live and experience life through others. In my experience, with both parents disordered, they were all about keeping up appearances and groomed my sister as the golden child. It takes a lot of energy and concentration for disordered individuals to keep the mask on. I was the outlet when things boiled over. It is impossible, in most cases, for disordered people to admit when they’re wrong or apologize, so the blame has to be shifted to somewhere/something/someone in order to keep the responsibility off of them.

Luckily, my sister and I have a very good relationship with each other. I know how hard it is to depersonalize the disorder, especially when it comes from a parent. Just remember, your mother is disordered, not you. Yes, we have core wounds to heal and cope with. Personally, I’ve been diagnosed with a delightful case of C-PTSD  , but we’re here finding answers, becoming educated and putting the work in. I think one of the most important things to remember is that we’re aware. Hang in there.

[Turkish]

No one likes being the scapegoat.


Maybe being cast into this role is indicative of the core shame of a pwBPD? Like they have to drag you down in order to feel better about themselves? Projection, as zachira alludes to. PwBPD feel core shame ("I'm not worthy of being valued or loved", and these feelings are so painful that they are projected upon another in order to deal with them.

My mom did it: "you should go back to school to be a nurse." "You need to get your 4 year degree." Despite the fact that I've done very well and I couldn't just abandon my career and providorship to fulfill her regrets about her own life,  because that was what it was really about.

I won't pretend I was cast explicitly on the role of scapegoat as an adult (as a teen, likely), but I was cast in the role of the avatar of my mother's perceived personal regrets. No.

[HappyChappy]

Why no happiness for the scapegoat?

Hey Sparrow, my fellow scapegoat,

A BPD operates off inner fantasy thinking, where the scapegoat is all bad. If the scapegoat achieves, or breaks this inner picture in any way, this upsets the BPD, because their “reality” is being challenged.

Like you I am artistic, but my BPD never allowed a single picture to go on the wall, despite me winning art competitions. Conversely,  if I hated something, my BPD would force me to continue doing it.

The BPD  rewards her triangulated children for fulfilling their rolls. So a BPD will be more supportive of a failing scapegoat than an achieving one. Scapegoats typically will either live up to being a failure, or become workaholics/perfectionists determined to prove their BPD wrong. I was the latter. Do you fit either of these categories Sparrow ?

[Teno]

It seems like we all have this question? Why this irrational behavior all of a sudden? This is my thoughts.

When you yourself and authentic like an artist you are 100% yourself you can't fake it. All of a sudden there is no more space for a 'false self of you' created by the BPD in their mind. For a pwBPD admitting that you an artist will make you a separate person and someone else. I think they are so scared of loosing their image of you. Therefore the frantic behavior to keep you as they want to know you. They afraid loosing 'their you' to 'your own self'. What you do must be wrong, else who are you? That triggers being abandoned by your 'false self' for the 'true self'.

I suppose the the golden child lives by the image of the BPD all the time and never trigger that fear of abandonment. Sadly their inner self will never be validated.

It reminds me of the time when I was planning decorating a cake for my D's birthday. My idea was creative and involved some special techniques that I've never done before. I was excited. My MIL ended up verbally attacking my plans while my wife agreed with her and just sat there. She did everything to shatter my confidence and I suppose they did. I still made a beautiful cake unfortunately not in a high spirit. Again I could not be seen as a separate person, who is this confident creative guy? I'm a qualified model maker.

I read the book of Patricia Evens: Controlling People. It really helped my to understand why when I show myself I get the put down, verbally abused, controlled and made felt wrong.

Best Teno

[zachira]

If you can, would you mind sharing a list of some of your best qualities that made you the scapegoat? For most of my life, I thought I was the scapegoat because I was so defective. I later discovered that part of what made me the scapegoat were some of my best qualities.

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Thanks to all for your well thought out comments.
Chell, I just looked up C-ptsd. I can't imagine, and am so sorry.
Happy Chappy... .you are a brother from another mother .
 I am the perfectionist in a way... constantly trying to achieve better results at what I do in my career, always hoping someone will comment to others how smart I am.

My best traits are my sensitivity and intuitive intelligence.

My mother said that after a vaccination I changed from a happy sweet kid to a monster. I had a lot of sinus infections growing up which made me whiny and irritable. I was too much for her to handle.  My older brother was a cheerful dream of a child and my little sister an obedient and good little girl. She would tell others that I needed two mothers.

Little did they know  they were also poisoning me with gluten (pasta, Italian bread, pizza) which I later discovered I was highly allergic to. My father who was an intuitive artist was a scapegoat and she really  was mean to his mother who lived with us.

She was depressed while pregnant with me and was  actually depressed her whole life  afterwards. Her father had an affair with the maid  and  committed suicide when she was 18 after she and her mother (also BPD) refused to see him . She said she always deeply regretted that and blamed herself

She told how cold her mother was to her growing up and she only had brief times of happiness when shipped off to her loving maternal grandmother's farm. Her mother had to escape Italy with her mom and brother to America from an alcoholic physically abusive father.

She did not have a happy life. Her mother and she had conflicted relationship  until my gran got dementia and became very sweet.

At 90 my mom has unfortunately not become sweet.

I really don't look for clues in the life that show why they may have developed BPD. I really think there is a strong genetic basis .

My sister acts a lot like my maternal gran and they never really knew each other. Each generation on that side seems to have had it

[Notwendy]

Hello Sparrow- from another scapegoat!

It isn't easy to be the scapegoat, but compared to the golden child sibling in our family, I think I am far better off being the scapegoat than the golden child. Honestly, I think it isn't easy to have a BPD parent- it will affect the children to some extent. Growing up, it may have appeared that this sibling had it better being the favorite one, but not now.

I read somewhere that the scapegoat is the truth teller in the family. I can identify with that. Although none of us were allowed to tell the truth about what we observed in our mother's behaviors ( we didn't know they had a name- BPD) and we all had to go along with pretending she was fine, I knew she wasn't and I was the one in the family most likely to stand up to her at times.

She was projecting on to me from the start. In my baby book, it describes me as "ignoring her". That's absurd- newborns sleep a lot and sleeping isn't "ignoring" their parent. I'm not sure what she expected out of a baby. As a toddler I threw up on her "on purpose" but toddlers throw up when they have a stomach ache. She recalls when I would not share a cookie with a sibling when she told me to.  I probably had no idea what sharing meant at that age. It seems she was interpreting normal baby and child behavior as intentional from the start.

My mother is dainty and doesn't exercise. I was an athletic child. She likes to dress up and I preferred jeans. She didn't think that was feminine.  BPD parents see their children as extensions of themselves, then it must have been odd to her that her daughter was different from her.  She has more in common with the golden child, and this child was more compliant with her.

I could list the traits that made me the scapegoat, but I think it is just that our own individuality triggers them because we are not extensions of them and they start to project on us. It hurts to be the scapegoat but eventually I saw it as a gift. The golden child sibling is enmeshed. This sibling got the best of her, and so is attached to her but also gets the brunt of her abuse and feels unable to stand up to her. I guess, since I rarely got the best treatment from her, I didn't get as emotionally attached.

[Notwendy]

About the paintings. My mom complains a lot about the stuff that belongs to us that is in her house. She says she wants us to get it out of her house.

One day she was screaming about this and I decided to take the paintings I did in college out of the house. I took one and was walking to my car when she ran after me in a rage screaming " that is MY painting and you are robbing me. Don't you dare touch my things".

She also complains about some of the things my father had in the house. I wanted some of them to remember him by. After his funeral she told me I could not take anything and that if I touched anything in her house she would call the police. When any of us come to help her clear out the house, she changes her mind. Yet she still complains to us about it and that we don't help her with it.

She also tries to figure out if we want something and then she won't let us have it. She will offer something to us and if we say "yes" then she says " "oh I changed my mind".  The only way we know to deal with this is to not play that game with her. If it is in her house, we don't touch it or ask for it.

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Notwendy, all I can say is DITTODITTODITTO!
The truthteller-yes
The tomboy- yes
Enmeshed sister-YES.

IT IS A SYNDROME, PEOPLE! LOL.

thanks for the support

[zachira]

Notwendy,
I really identify with you saying that the scapegoat is the truth teller. That is me to this day, and I pick my battles, and yes, sometimes I have to speak up because what is going on is so immoral, I just have to say something.
I also identify with the golden child eventually being at a disadvantage. My other siblings will never be the kind of person that I am because they refuse to take a look at themselves and how they have been affected by being raised by a mother with BPD and NPD, and a father with narcissistic traits.
Thanks everybody for sharing. It helps to know that we scapegoats are not alone, and we are people of value.

[JNChell]

I’ve really enjoyed this thread, and come to think of it, this is the first real conversation I’ve had about being the scapegoat outside of a therapist’s office or brief acknowledgements between my sister and I.

One big difference that I’ve experienced is how my sister turned out. She was rather enmeshed with my mother when she was still alive. Looking back she was my mother’s caretaker, but after she left for college, she never really came back so she was able to do this from a distance. She’s a brilliant psychologist now and I’m extremely proud of her. She does carry some guilt over the roles that were forced upon us. I just tell her that I would go through it all over again so she wouldn’t have to. She turned out well for someone that goes through the play that we did. I’m curious if it has to do with the fact that we were adopted and she didn’t experience the infant/mother bond, thus making a full, disordered enmeshment impossible. Something to research, I guess.

We’ve got some healing to do, but us goats and PSI kids are some tough cookies!

[Turkish]

Interesting point about the lack of infant mother bond with an adoptive mom,  sans the same day birth adoptions.

Lol.  D6 calls herself a "tough cookie."

[JNChell]

I wasn’t even aware of same day adoptions. Good for D6! I’m sure she is.

[Turkish]

My buddy's ex wife adopted her son at the hospital.  It was arranged with birth mom months in advance.  One of my moms friends adopted out her baby this way.  She didn't want to keep the child who was a product of a date rape but also didn't want to abort it though she thought about it. 

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Yay Goats !   
 Chell what is PSI?

I love the thread too.

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Zachira, it's true, the enmeshed golden child never learns how to find their inner worth... .
We have to fight tooth and nail to find out if it is really true what they say about us... .

" Am I a horrible person? "Etc

I looked for clues to the answer for 20 years thru  interactions with friends.

I found out I did have bad baggage, but all in all I was ACTUALLY A GOOD, OK PERSON!

Wow. All the abuse made me look deep inside. My enmeshed  BP sister  has been unable to. So sad.

A friends mother admitted she had BPD. She may now get help.
How I wish my BPD mom and BPD sis knew!

[Harri]

PSI is our 'new' acronym for this board:  Parent, Sibling, In-Law board.  

What do you think of it?

PS, I remember talking with you a couple of years ago.  It is good to see you back thought I am sorry for the troubles.  

[zachira]

I am so glad you have found out that you are indeed a person of value, worthy of respect and love for who you are. It is so sad that it takes so long to love ourselves when we are so devalued by our family and are sold the big lie that everything is our fault. I too wish that my mother and siblings with BPD would realize this and get help!

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Chappy
PSI  I will get used to that.
Yes I have resurfaced.  It's the nature of the beast in our lives!
It never goes away

[Turkish]

Harri started promoting "PSI" and I kind of fell in line.  More catchy than writing "C&H." That makes me think of pure cane sugar.  That's the one.  

And a Beagle shall lead them.  

[JNChell]

zachira, this is turning out to be one of the hardest things to deal with... .

It is so sad that it takes so long to love ourselves when we are so devalued by our family and are sold the big lie that everything is our fault.

Thank you for pointing this out.

[Kwamina]

PSI is our 'new' acronym for this board:  Parent, Sibling, In-Law board.  

You mean Parrot Squad Inc. right?

Welcome back sparrowfarfrom home  We need more birds around here

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Turkish  what was C&H ?

The history of the word 'scapegoat' comes from the ancient practice where the high priest of Israel on Yom Kippur symbolically laid the sins of the people on a goats head and then sent the goat off into the wilderness.

There is a painting by William Holman Hunt of the scapegoat.

[Kwamina]

Turkish  what was C&H ?

Well I'm not Turkish but I'll answer anyway  C&H stood for Coping & Healing, the previous name of this board.