BPD / NPD Sister projection and heartbreak.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi All

My BPD/NPD (nasty combo!) sister has well and truly ruined our relationship. She is 3 years younger and has smeared my name to family and almost made everyone stop talking to me for good.

Basically, she told everyone I was after my grandparents money and I named my daughter specifically to lure them into giving me everything. I can't even tell you how upsetting this is. Short version of a very long story: my father is in jail for life and I lived with my grandparents growing up. My Nanna and I have always been close. I named my daughter after her due to our relationship and the fact that my father ruined her. SO, to have that twisted just broke my heart.

I have repaired everything with the family (aunts, uncles, grandparents) and they've since contacted me with grave concerns about my sisters mental health. They gave her a job (admin) in their very successful business. She went on to stalk, be sexually promiscuous, bully and smear others names to make herself look better. It got so bad that 3 staff members made formal complaints about her. If you ask my sister, everyone was out to get her because she's so beautiful and they're jealous.

I've confronted her about what she said about me and she believes every damn lie she told. She even went on to say she doesn't have my back because I'm so jealous and competitive and she finds it annoying.

Side Note: I am very successful in my career, I am financially secure and I have a loving family. I don't have anything I want or need and to insinuate I am jealous of her is beyond comprehension.

The only assumption I can make is that she is projecting her feelings onto me. I hand on heart don't feel that way.

In the last year, upwards of 20 people have de-friended her / blocked her on social media. She's lied and manipulated at every juncture. I've been there every step of the way knowing she's unwell but acting as a sounding board to help her see light.

She doesn't know she's suffering from a mental illness. I know she is because my mother has it too and I've been the "all bad one" in our family for as long as I can remember. I have spent the last 10 years reading about it, seeing psychologists and making damn sure I don't fall in the same hole.

I have just gone no contact to protect myself. She meets every criteria for BPD and NPD. On social media, you can almost track where she started spiralling. Every photo is a selfie, manicured to perfection, no smile, with an almost menacing look in her eyes. It's scary and I'm sure most people are noticing that she's not quite right. Her last boyfriend fled for the hills after 2 months due to her stalkerish / needy behaviour.

So here I am feeling completely heartbroken and at a loss about what to do. How far will she fall before she gets help? Being NC, there's not much I can do but to stand back and let her fall. I have supported her emotionally and financially for as long as I can remember. She throws this in my face by spending her money on Botox, weight loss programs and never saving a dime. I would say she doesn't have long to go in her current job as it stands. She tends to perform well for 6 months and then start splitting and projecting. It takes employers a couple of months to realise and then they ask her to leave.

She'll be destitute if that happens. She's a single mother with a 4 year old and I am really concerned about his welfare with her mental health being so bad.

Her life has a pattern: new job, new apartment, new hair, new boyfriend. Boyfriend leaves, job starts losing it's shine, she starts splitting/projecting, work blows up, she is left with nothing. She is usually depressed for a month or so after and then repeats the exact same cycle over and over never second guessing her role in this. 

I don't know what I am hoping for by posting here. I need to let it out. This is all so full on and it's taking up every inch of brain power I have. It's like a bad TV movie.

Any advice? Have you had similar circumstances with a BPD / NPD sibling or friend? 

Thanks
The All Bad One

[TheAllBadOne]

Hi All

My BPD/NPD (nasty combo!) sister has well and truly ruined our relationship. She is 3 years younger and has smeared my name to family and almost made everyone stop talking to me for good.

Basically, she told everyone I was after my grandparents money and I named my daughter specifically to lure them into giving me everything. I can't even tell you how upsetting this is. Short version of a very long story: my father is in jail for life and I lived with my grandparents growing up. My Nanna and I have always been close. I named my daughter after her due to our relationship and the fact that my father ruined her. SO, to have that twisted just broke my heart.

I have repaired everything with the family (aunts, uncles, grandparents) and they've since contacted me with grave concerns about my sisters mental health. They gave her a job (admin) in their very successful business. She went on to stalk, be sexually promiscuous, bully and smear others names to make herself look better. It got so bad that 3 staff members made formal complaints about her. If you ask my sister, everyone was out to get her because she's so beautiful and they're jealous.

I've confronted her about what she said about me and she believes every damn lie she told. She even went on to say she doesn't have my back because I'm so jealous and competitive and she finds it annoying.

Side Note: I am very successful in my career, I am financially secure and I have a loving family. I don't have anything I want or need and to insinuate I am jealous of her is beyond comprehension.

The only assumption I can make is that she is projecting her feelings onto me. I hand on heart don't feel that way.

In the last year, upwards of 20 people have de-friended her / blocked her on social media. She's lied and manipulated at every juncture. I've been there every step of the way knowing she's unwell but acting as a sounding board to help her see light.

She doesn't know she's suffering from a mental illness. I know she is because my mother has it too and I've been the "all bad one" in our family for as long as I can remember. I have spent the last 10 years reading about it, seeing psychologists and making damn sure I don't fall in the same hole.

I have just gone no contact to protect myself. She meets every criteria for BPD and NPD. On social media, you can almost track where she started spiralling. Every photo is a selfie, manicured to perfection, no smile, with an almost menacing look in her eyes. It's scary and I'm sure most people are noticing that she's not quite right. Her last boyfriend fled for the hills after 2 months due to her stalkerish / needy behaviour.

So here I am feeling completely heartbroken and at a loss about what to do. How far will she fall before she gets help? Being NC, there's not much I can do but to stand back and let her fall. I have supported her emotionally and financially for as long as I can remember. She throws this in my face by spending her money on Botox, weight loss programs and never saving a dime. I would say she doesn't have long to go in her current job as it stands. She tends to perform well for 6 months and then start splitting and projecting. It takes employers a couple of months to realise and then they ask her to leave.

She'll be destitute if that happens. She's a single mother with a 4 year old and I am really concerned about his welfare with her mental health being so bad.

Her life has a pattern: new job, new apartment, new hair, new boyfriend. Boyfriend leaves, job starts losing it's shine, she starts splitting/projecting, work blows up, she is left with nothing. She is usually depressed for a month or so after and then repeats the exact same cycle over and over never second guessing her role in this. 

I don't know what I am hoping for by posting here. I need to let it out. This is all so full on and it's taking up every inch of brain power I have. It's like a bad TV movie.

Any advice? Have you had similar circumstances with a BPD / NPD sibling or friend? 

Thanks
The All Bad One

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi TheAllBadOne, 

Welcome!   I haven't had a chance to greet you yet, and I'm so glad that you've shared your heartache with us. It helps, doesn't it, knowing that others understand. We truly do. My mom was an uBPD with N as well. What a strong combination that is! 

As I'm sure you know, we cannot change them. It's so sad to watch those we love self destruct. I can tell you care about her very much and also about your nephew. Are you able to maintain any contact with him? How far away do you live?

Another question I have would be in regard to guardianship for your nephew. Do you know if anything is in place in case it is needed?

The most important thing is for you to take care of yourself as you've mentioned that you are trying to do with T. I see that many around you already see her for who she really is, and that can be validatating, but I know it doesn't solve anything. Validation does help us to not feel so singled out. How hard it must be for you when she spreads lies and believes them so fully. Are you able to get to a place of being okay with her not liking you or believing those things?

Keep posting and sharing your feelings. This is a great family.

 
Wools

[Panda39]

Hi TheAllBadOne,

I come at BPD from a different angle my significant other has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife, but I see the struggle that my SO's daughters have had with their uBPDmom and it is so similar to your story (It's amazing how similar our stories can be).

The younger daughter is low contact with her mom and her older sister is no contact with her mom.

It's very hard to come to that no contact decision, but we all have limits.  Unfortunately, we can't make someone else feel, do, or behave in ways they don't want to.  The only people we can control are ourselves.  Taking yourself out of the mix (for however long) is a boundary and boundaries are what we use to protect ourselves.

More from the site on boundaries... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

I encourage you to hang around with us here, there are lots of tools, information and support to be had here.  You may learn skills that make may it possible to modify your relationship with your sister later on... .or not... .we want you to do what's best for you but I want you to know that your relationship with her doesn't have to be all or nothing and no contact doesn't have to be forever. There can be flexibility when it comes to your relationship with your sister.

Panda39

[TheAllBadOne]

Hi Woolspinner2000

Thanks for stopping by.

Yes the validation feels good (I hate to say it but it does) however, you're right. It doesn't change anything. My sister doesn't feel she needs help. She thinks it's everyone else.

The sad thing is, I know she loves me but this illness has completely stolen her empathy and ability to care about someone other than herself. She was such a sweet little girl and now she's angry, resentful, calculating and self serving. I wish more than anything she'd come back.

In regards to guardianship of my nephew, I did ask her a while ago to add me to her list in a legal document should anything happen to her. She's on bad terms with her ex but I'd say his care would be placed in his fathers hands if things got really bad. Of course, I would step in and offer what I could.

I don't think I'll ever be ok with her conducting smear campaigns against me. As someone who has loved and supported her unconditionally, I see what she's done as unforgivable. The only way I'd talk to her again is if she started seeing a therapist and had some understanding about her actions and how harmful they are.

Gar, it's so frustrating watching her ruin her life without any self awareness.

Thanks for listening   

[TheAllBadOne]

Hi Panda39

Oh I feel for your step daughters. Having a BPD mum myself was so damaging to me growing up. Still to this day I struggle to with feeling worthless and have times when I feel I am the problem. My husband assures me I'm a giving, caring human which helps but the crazy undertone of my childhood tends to creep in at times.

I have known about the smear campaign for 7 months and didn't say anything. I continued to support my sister but she started spiralling and I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. When I confronted her she said I deserved it which was the last straw. A loving, caring sister would be mortified to cause hurt and she felt she was warranted. No contact is the only option for me.

Boundaries are a must but I find I get sucked in and forget about them very quickly. Which is my fault to a degree I know. I end up trusting and confiding in her again and she uses this information against me. It's interesting, everything she's said about me is a gross exaggeration of the truth. She twists things to suit her needs. It's really scary how calculating she is.

I'm kinda worried what her next step will be.

Thanks for your kind words and advice 

[Panda39]

Oh I feel for your step daughters. Having a BPD mum myself was so damaging to me growing up. Still to this day I struggle to with feeling worthless and have times when I feel I am the problem.

You are not alone in these feelings, when you get negative messaging... .little validation from a parent these feelings make sense, they aren't true but they make sense.  I don't have a BPDmom but do have a critical mom and I can definitely relate to believing that inner critic (usually my mother) and taking a hit to my self-esteem.  I actually started a post a little while ago about self-esteem... .if you want to check it out sometime here's a link to it... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=326401.0

Boundaries are a must but I find I get sucked in and forget about them very quickly. Which is my fault to a degree I know. I end up trusting and confiding in her again and she uses this information against me. It's interesting, everything she's said about me is a gross exaggeration of the truth. She twists things to suit her needs. It's really scary how calculating she is.

It's hard to have boundaries when you are dealing with someone with BPD... .they can be expert boundary busters, you will often find that you are being emotionally blackmailed or what we call FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) with those kinds of pressures it's tough to maintain boundaries, don't beat yourself up.    I know you can learn to use new boundary muscles    It might feel weird at first, you might fail sometimes, but with practice you can get better at it

More on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

I hope you'll check out the posts of other members, and comment on them,  I'm sure you will find plenty of similarities to your situation.  That's what it's all about around here... .sharing and learning from each other.

Panda39

[zachira]

You are wondering what the next step will be. Know that as you set boundaries, the next step will come to you. Keep us posted on how you are doing. We are here to support you and listen.

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi TABO   and welcome!

I don’t have much to add to what the others have already said, but want you to know you’re not alone. Read up on boundaries and FOG, as suggested and be prepared for an extinction burst when you begin setting boundaries.

Hang in there, stay in touch and please feel free to join in other threads on this board. We’re all hereto support each other and comraderyreally makes a positive difference. Most of all, take really good care of you.

  L2T