Looking to define a behavior

[theblacksheep]

Hello.  I'll describe some background before my question.  I have a sibling that told me she 'probably has BPD' in the early 2000's. Prior to that family labeled her as bipolar.  She is recently divorced and kept the drama (behaviors) within her and her husband's family until after her divorce.  Since her divorce she has brought her drama (behaviors) to our immediate family (parents, aunts, uncles, siblings) and her close friends.  She  estranged herself from our dad, stepmom & half sister (their decision).  Our brother, Aunt, an Uncle, close friends and I have set boundaries that limit or define how we interact with her. Mom enables.  Most of her behaviors are explainable and understood from what I have learned regarding BPD, but one.
If she does something 'wrong' in the presence of another female peer or female sibling, weeks or months, sometimes years later, she states that it was the other person that performed the 'wrong' act (stealing, kissing a stranger, speeding, flashing... .). She has been doing this since we were teens. I always just assumed she was lying to save face or shift blame. Since her divorce, it has become more frequent. I now think she believes her rewriting of these 'wrong' events. I now will only spend time with her if another person is with us.  She fluctuates between being very angry or very sad regarding my boundaries with her.  My question is: Is this a behavior of BPD or a different personality disorder?  She also has signs of HPD. I want to be able to label this behavior to help our family better understand her. I thought it might be an amnesiac or dissociative disorder.
Thank you for your time.

[Kwamina]

Hi theblacksheep and welcome to bpdfamily

Your sister told you she probably has BPD and before that your family labeled her as bipolar. Did she tell the whole family she probably has BPD or did she only confide in you?

Has your sister (as far as you know) ever received any kind of targeted treatment for her issues?

If she does something 'wrong' in the presence of another female peer or female sibling, weeks or months, sometimes years later, she states that it was the other person that performed the 'wrong' act (stealing, kissing a stranger, speeding, flashing... .). She has been doing this since we were teens.

Rewriting of history is something that several members have posted about regarding their BPD family-members. Considering that feelings often equate to facts for people with BPD (i.e. 'I feel angry, so the other person must have done me wrong'), this dynamic could be underlying your sisters behavior. Sometimes also when the facts of the situation don't support the actual feelings the person with BPD is experiencing, he/she might (subconsciously) rewrite the facts to bring them in alignment with what he/she is feeling.

It is interesting though that you specifically mention your sister doing this when she has done something 'wrong' in the presence of other women. Has she ever behaved like this when she was in the presence of a man? Does she perhaps also have other behaviors that she only exhibits in relation to other women?

The Board Parrot

[Learning2Thrive]

EDITED TO NOTE THE BOARD PARROT’S post. It may be quite significant if this behavior results only in response to females.

 theblacksheep

The behavior you questioned and noted sounds like projection.  See this:  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0

My question is: Is this a behavior of BPD or a different personality disorder?  She also has signs of HPD. I want to be able to label this behavior to help our family better understand her. I thought it might be an amnesiac or dissociative disorder.

Unfortunately, we can not diagnose your sibling. However, this article may help you gain a better understanding:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

That said:

Whether it is BPD or BPD personality style, bipolar disorder, or simple depression, etc, we encourage you to work with the members here at bpdfamily. A high conflict, emotionally abusive parent, child, spouse or other relationship partner, regardless of the causation, is a challenge and we need to take appropriate steps for our own well-being and that of our family. And hopefully we will be able rise above it and manage our interface with the difficult person in a constructive, mature and healthy way. It's the very next step to a constructive, mature and healthy future for ourselves

We can help you reduce conflict and improve communication and if you would like help with that, please let us know.  I hope you’ll continue posting and asking questions.

  L2T

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi theblacksheep, 

Welcome to our online family! Kwamina and Learning2Thrive have already asked some good questions and shared some helpful thoughts.

I just want to welcome you and say that you will find so many helpful members here and understanding hearts. Please jump right in to the other member's posts and offer your thoughts as well.  That's what helps to make us a strong community.

Wools

[Pilpel]

If she does something 'wrong' in the presence of another female peer or female sibling, weeks or months, sometimes years later, she states that it was the other person that performed the 'wrong' act (stealing, kissing a stranger, speeding, flashing... .)

I've read people describe very similar situations on this board.  Sounds like projection and gaslighting. 

[Turkish]

Christine Ann Lawson,  in her book Understanding The Borderline Mother,  stated "to a person with BPD,  lying feels like survival." It may be a bit incomprehensible, but a person with BPD may really believe their projections. People with BPD feel intense shame at their cores "I don't matter and am unlovable" and the exhibited behaviors are defense mechanisms based upon this distorted world view. 

I recommend the book (to you to read first, maybe not your relatives),  but I felt it kind of a brutal read and a bit dark,  even if it explained he different types of borderline behaviors: Waif, Hermit, Queen, Witch.

My mom was Waif-Hermit. My ex and the mother of our children was that with Queen (narissistic) thrown in.  Witch would be "Mommy Dearest," more physically and emotionally abusive,  using terror to control the home.   

A recovered person with BPD put it this way: a person with BPD feels that their feelings ate inherently worthless; therfore,  they feel that they are inherently worthless and unlovable.

Because of this,  we talk a lot here about the validation tools.  SET might be a good start to learn how to reduce triggers. Let me know what you think and take a look at the discussion in the Read More link at the bottom:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

The discussion is tailored to romantic partners,  but the underlying concepts work on anybody. 

T

[zachira]

You are very smart to have another person around when you are with your sister. People who tend to act badly with family members, are often better behaved around other people, especially non immediate family members. We cannot diagnose anyone, yet you can have a pretty good idea what is wrong if you read about BPD, and see if the diagnosis seems to fit. Mental health diagnosis are hard to make, because oftentimes a person who is mentally ill has more than one disorder, and there are similarities between disorders. There are many people on this site who have family members with mental illness who are here to support and listen to you. Keep us posted and let us know how we can help.