epiphany

[yamada]

I was laying in bed last night and I couldn't sleep- All the lies and deception and everything that doesn't make sense, because of lies and deception and nursing my hurt at being a victim of this. Why dont they accept me for who I am / why are they cruel/ why why why ... .and it occurred to me who I am ... .

I am not like them,

I don't want to be like them

I worked hard to be not like them,.

I want to be the better person, I am the better person , I will always be a better person because that makes me happy.

I am blessed that somehow  I am not like them,  I never was.

My choices continue to make me not like them.

I am not unworthy or of no value... .I am gold.

I broke the cycle.

Imagine if I had of stayed within the circle. Imagine what that would have done to my children, they could have turned out like them.

I dodged a bullet,

I missed the boat that is sinking,

I avoided a plague... I lived,  live the life I want.

I have the people I want in my life.

I chose the good people to be in my life,

I chose the honesty and integrity.

I chose different because I didn't want to be them, owned by them... .

I got freedom, self respect, integrity, pride... .not false but pride in who I am.

I saved myself.

There is no fear obligation and guilt.


So today I went  and started the relationship on my own terms.

No secrets, no deceptions no sneakiness. My rules for relationships

My sister, my mother and my father can play their games and their rules but I am not , because I am a the good person I want to be...

[Learning2Thrive]

  yamada

Those are powerful realizations.  How are you doing today? 

  L2T

[Woolspinner2000]

Ah Yamada,

This is awesome! I can tell that you feel empowered.  So good.

I rejoice with you! 

Wools

[zachira]

You are one of the lucky ones because you are not like them! So often we beat ourselves up because we don't feel appreciated by our family until the light comes on that we would never want to be like them.

[yamada]

I remember coming home hurt that my sister and her kids were all over their walls . I told me son and he said
"why would you want to be on their walls, they are horrible people.'
would you want to be on hitlers walls or fred and rosemary wests walls"
My parents are aging and I am involved in thier care. And after this epephany I got it... .I really got it and I am so Ok with that. I feel like I missed the ride on the titanic.
I have worked 58 years to get to this point.  And this time its holding.
I told my Dad to day that right now I am the best thing that is happening to him because I am the only one who is honest with him. I dont keep secrets I dont emotionally blackmail him and I dont lie.
Unlike the evil mother and sister.
I had to get past the desperation of their behaviour over the years to bring me back to the family rules.
I have ordered emotional blackmail and I can see how my sister is crazy because she is so beat up with FOG. Not my problem.
I have been updating her on my parents care and she told me if I sent her another email she will will take out a restraining order. I said for what updating you about our parents health?

[zachira]

"I have worked 58 years to get to this point.  And this time its holding."
It has taken many of us many years to get to the hold point, and for some of us, it is more than 58 years.

"I told my Dad to day that right now I am the best thing that is happening to him because I am the only one who is honest with him. I dont keep secrets I dont emotionally blackmail him and I dont lie.
Unlike the evil mother and sister."
To overcome the projections your family has dumped on you, and to realize your worth as a separate human being, is a true victory, like winning a major battle in a War, only you did it mostly on your own.

[Turkish]

I have been updating her on my parents care and she told me if I sent her another email she will will take out a restraining order. I said for what updating you about our parents health?

That's ridiculous and I admire your restraint on not replying with a sarcastic response.

It's never too late to differentiate yourself from your FOO, so good for you for doing so and finding your own person.   

[Pilpel]

Yamada,

I really love the declarations you wrote.  It deserves it's own page for tools and personal affirmations to remind ourselves.  I don't think my mom is BPD, but she has some dysfunctional traits that I see in my n/BPD SIL.  I love her, we get along great now.  But when I was a kid, she played some cruel jokes, sometimes making a show of favoring my brother over me just to upset me.  I always felt like the odd girl out at school anyway, and that didn't help.  The first few times she did this, I got upset and cried at the intentional meanness of it.  And also that my brother enjoyed the game, and enjoyed that it upset me.  But at some point you cross a line where you can't help weight things out: These people are purposely being jerks about showing favoritism. Why should I give a poo or feel jealous if one jerk favors another jerk?   (Not saying I can't be a jerk sometimes.)

[yamada]

i always knew this but I never believed it or got what I was saying until that night. I got it and as I was getting it I could feel it going through my body. Very rarely do I get these major moments but it has hit. You can make progress. it seems sometimes you have to run around in a circle to get there . A therapist once told me that true understanding is like an onion ring  you have to go round and round to get to the centre of it. How lucky am I

[zachira]

As you were thinking about how you are not like them, you could feel it going through your body. How wonderful that you are connected to your body. It is by feeling our body that we are to feel our feelings and make good decisions. Many trauma survivors are unaware of their feelings because they are so disconnected from their bodies. Keep noticing your body sensations as you are quietly present and you will heal a lot of the hurt your family has inflicted upon you. Studies show that doing around 45 minutes a day of sitting quietly present can heal both mental and physical illnesses. Take care and keep us posted on your amazing journey!

[wakingfirst]

Thank you, Yamada.  Your insights have really helped me today.
For so long, I felt like the odd person out, because I'm not like my mother or brother.  I felt as if something was wrong with ME.  I think I would almost have chosen to be unhappy and like them rather than out on my own. 
No more.  You're right, we are extremely lucky, and we have worked extremely hard for whatever goodness and contentedness we claim.  Thank you, and I wish you well.