If I am honest with myself, I am fed up. I am angry.

[lonely38]

I am working... .once again to read more self help books, to seek out more therapy, to look for more answers.  And what for?  For my marriage and the confusion I have experienced since pretty much the beginning of our marriage.  I was raised in a family with a good, healthy and very predictable environment.  I have not had predictable since I was a kid. 

I am frustrated with having to try and understand my BPD husband's issues, to trying to work toward having empathy toward him when I feel very little to no empathy from him, to support him even when I do not feel supported, to trying to do the right thing when I feel that has not been the case with him.  I am tired of being his 'steady' in the midst of his craziness.  Most of all, I am just missing me. 

I have tried and worked, and tried and worked, to figure out things for so long that I have forgotten who I am.  This is going to sound silly but I was playing the piano today after giving our grandchildren lessons.  I used to play piano as a young person but gave it up as an adult.  We gave our piano to our daughter and I am giving her children lessons and have recently re-engaged myself with playing.  This has brought me back to what I once was. A person who was creative, who enjoyed life, who had energy and enjoyed doing many things. 

It makes me realize what I have been missing out on and makes me really miss just enjoying life.  Are we supposed to just keep going with a BPD partner?  While I want to do that, I want to have a chance to enjoy life again and that has been missing for a while.

I am just very tired from all that this has dealt our marriage and our family.  It makes me incredibly sad and takes me right back to the biggest feeling of all... .lonely.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi lonely in co,

I think many of us can relate to what you've written. Hopefully others will join us here to share their thoughts and experiences as well. 

While it sounds like you are at a low point, it also seems you may be right at that moment where you recognize things need to be better, simply have to be, and you are able to do some things to make it so.

I know my relationship feels overwhelming and too big really at times. It is a very strange feeling. Oh yes, and I sure can relate to nothing quite feeling normal!

If you focus on yourself and enjoyment what does that look like for you? How can you make you bigger in your life and put this illness in its place? (I find depersonalizing and being less upset with the person and more at the abstract notion of an illness helps a bit too.)

When I struggle at times I try to remind myself that even a professional who treats such patients does so with extra support. They just meet clients for an hour. I'm in a 24/7 situation so of course I need support too! We're here and happy to be part of your support system!

warmly, pearl.