3 years. She's getting married. I'm still stuck.

[bing]

I can't deal with my exwBPD getting married. and having the happy ever after life that I dreamed of us having.

We both had our issues in the r/s for sure, and I've spent the last few years unpacking a lot of stuff and working on personal issues. Still, I can't seem to shake it. Even though we've pretty much dissolved any mutual friendships or activities, there's enough history that we still are connected through friends on social media- and I can't stop looking at her instagram from time to time.

It's weird, still feeling connected to someone who treated me so poorly and blamed/projected everything onto me on her way out the door to her affair partner/poly couple/who knows what.

It's been 3 years., I'm tired of hurting. I can't get over it, and I haven't found a way to feel better. I don't know what to do.

[mraa90]

Hi,

I wanted to share my story with you, and I hope it helps. I was 24 early this year and never been in a relationship. I am always shy. This girl that works at my favorite coffee shop got closer to me and asked me out. Gave me 2 months of heaven before the silent treatment out of the blue. I know it's only two months but she filled the void in my heart. I feel you when you say you don't want your ex to move on with another person. Remember, instead of feeling pain because you lost that person, feel bad for the new partner because what happened to you will happen to them. Imagine being married and have children with a person who would open the door and leave out of the blue.

I promise you, I'm not trying to make your problem seem smaller. This pain that was caused to the both of us was so illogical that not even our brains could process what happened. We are survivors of a psychological warfare.

Me and you, we both deserve better. All this pain we went through for them will eventually reward us. The reward shall be big. Big enough to light our world again. I am here with you.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi bing,

That sounds rough.  Sorry you're struggling with your ex moving on.  I know that many here are struggling woth this, as well.  You are not alone as mraa90 so kindly points out.

I certainly understand being tired of hurting.  I think you will find that many here are going through the same thing.  Perhaps others will share how they have detached and gotten unstuck.

You mention that you have been working on personal issues.  If you don't mind me asking, have you uncovered something in particular that may be keeping you from moving on?

Keep posting, we are listening.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway

[Mutt]

Hi bing,

Perhaps others will share how they have detached and gotten unstuck.

I'm sorry to hear that this has to be excruciatingly painful to you to see your ex get married. Is it possible that this news has made you feel worse, do you think that it's temporary? What I'm saying is that things that are going on in our expwBPD's lives can be triggering for us.

Maybe where I would start to look at is there are part of you waiting for her?

[CluelessNomore]

Hey bing,

I'm only 3 months from being separated from my BPD wife of 16 years. She's already moved on to another guy. Our wedding anniversary is coming up this week. So I know your pain. It SUCKS. Some days are better than others... .but all-in-all, I'm doing ok... .but only if I'm taking care of myself.

Here's what helps me:
1. Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping (stole this from Jordan Peterson's book). If you can separate yourself from your emotions and begin to see yourself as a patient, what would you tell that patient to do? I mentally picture myself leaving my body, and viewing myself from above. I then can observe what I'm feeling and thinking rationally. What would a healthy version of myself tell this person who is wallowing in self-pity? Trust me. this works.

2. GET BUSY. Go to the gym. Lift heavy weights. It does amazing things for your hormones and neurotransmitters. When I get caught in my own head, thinking about my ex happily with her new partner, I get busy. Pump some iron. I feel like a million bucks, mentally and physically.

3. Invest in good male relationships. You probably already have some male friends... .become better friends. Go out for a drink with them. Find some men in the same situation as you and form a fellowship. I've made so many friends with other divorced dads recently. We've got our own little club, and it's beneficial to all of us. Find guys you can really be honest with, but will also tell you to "man up" when you need it.

4. Get professional help. I see a therapist a couple times a month. He calls me on my bull___ and keeps me accountable.

Dude - YOU GOT THIS. You deserve so much better than what you think you do. It may not feel like it now, but I guarantee that if you get busy and take care of yourself, you will be looking back in 6 months from now and THANK her for ending it.

You've got a fantastic future ahead of you if you can embrace it.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi bing,

How are you doing since you last posted?  It must be so hard to know that she is re marrying.  I can imagine that the finality of that is very painful for you.  We're listening when you're ready to talk.  You're in good company here. 

Love and light x

[bing]

Thank you for the replies. I've been trying to stay busy since my last post to remain distracted and get through the next couple weeks.

One thing that I've found helpful lately is to stay away from social media, like cold turkey quit basically. For various reasons it's impractical for me to delete/disable, but I've found that apps such as blocksite and iphone settings help me manage my time and break the habit of social media checking in general. Plus I don't have to feel guilty/fearful of seeming like im 'acting out' by turning off my account, I just don't open it or look at it. I unfriended my ex and asked my family to disengage with her after I found out about the cheating, then a year later she breadcrumbed me by way of an FB invite. I felt guilty so accepted after a while, until she announced the engagement. I knew I didn't need real-time updates on how great her life was without me, so I unfriended but still have that nagging nuisance of a feeling that I could have done something different (rather than take care of myself) to remain connected in a positive way.

CluelessNoMore, I agree with your advice and did much of this after the initial breakup, was doing great for almost a year but encountered some other personal setbacks that have been hard to bounce back from. Definitely need to get back on this stuff and focus on my own business. just venting here I guess. Just feels like things have gotten worse and not better, and while she's off getting married I'm proving her right. I know i'm not the only one on here that got projected upon with a list of awful things that weren't entirely accurate, and were more a reflection of her than me. still hard to separate a lot of it out.

I definitely know that I'm far from experiencing the worst of it, and if I ever do find myself in a healthy relationship down the road I'll be so thankful that it ended without kids or divorce or shared assets.

[Panda39]

Excellent disengaging from social media and taking that focus off of her and putting it on caring for yourself.  I also thinks it's great that you are here talking about your feelings and not stuffing them. (I got in trouble in my past by stuffing)  You're doing some good things for yourself.

Cluelessnomore had an awesome list of tools!

What do you think has you stuck? Is there something in particular that you are having a hard time with?

I had a long term relationship (not BPD) that took me 20 years to finally resolve.  No I didn't suffer in misery for 20 years but in my heart of hearts I was in love with this person for 20 years.  We were together 10 years and it ended by him cheating on me. (Cheating is a deal breaker for me) 

20 years later we talked on the phone, we would touch base about every 10 years or so.  These conversations were extremely painful and difficult because I didn't want him to know that I was still in love with him.  During one of these calls he told me how much I meant to him all those years ago. Him saying those things was a catalyst, I had a year long breakdown that turned into breakthroughs. All of this unfinished business surfaced.  I met him when I was 16, it ended when we were 25 and at 47 it all came bubbling up.  Everything I stuffed.  I was lying to myself... .yes I loved him, but it wasn't just love I was stuffing.  I was also disappointed, hurt, and angry.  I realized his cheating did a number on my already unsteady self-esteem that lasted years.  I realized that I blamed myself for the break up... .twisted I know... .in my mind it was my fault he cheated   Yep demented.

So I was stuck because I loved him.
I was also stuck because I never expressed my disappointment, pain, anger to anyone.
I was stuck because I blamed myself for his infidelity... .If I was only his perfect ideal he would have stayed with me.
I was stuck because I didn't believe I deserved better.

So he and I stayed in touch via phone for about year.  In that year I healed.  I came to understand that his leaving wasn't my fault, I worked through my feelings for him and forgave him and in doing so set myself free.  I remembered who I was and what a wonderful person I am.  I saw him for who he was a serial womanizer with complete fear of commitment, that was never right for me.  I unfortunately was his first (and longest) relationship so I had no track record to reference when we met.  He was 50 years old and never been married... .probably a good thing  Knowing what I wanted in a relationship (a serious commitment), and what I deserved (someone that loved me and treated me well) and seeing him as he is (not my idealized vision from the past)... .I let go. 

I realized that not everyone is able to work through closure with the person who you were in the relationship with, but I do believe it can be done with a Therapist and being very honest with ourselves.

Keep moving forward one step at a time (there is no deadline for grieving/healing)... .they might not always be big steps, or fast steps, but keep the momentum going forward... .and you are doing that. 

Hang in there, 
Panda39

[zachira]

You are tired of hurting over a relationship that ended three years ago, and are particularly hurting now because it seems she has moved on and is getting married.
What I am about to say may make sense or not be of any use to you whatsoever; it is just something that occurred to me. You say that she blamed you for everything that went wrong in the relationship on her way out the door. I have seen this scenario quite frequently where one partner projects all the negative feelings onto the other, seems to move on, while the partner who was dumped with all the blame struggles for a long time in recovering. I am wondering if part of your pain is from taking blame for things that were not solely your fault (After all there were two of you in the relationship.), and from owning feelings that indeed belong to your ex and not to you. Could you possibly write us a list of what you take responsibility for if anything, and what are solely feelings of your ex that have been dumped on you? This might help in the healing process. Keep us posted on how you are doing, and let us know how we can best help you. We are here to listen.

[DadHurtsPostDvrc]

Bing.  My heart feels for you and your pain. 
Been there.  Doing that.   I'm one of the guys who loyally stuck by and tried to make it work.  Got two sweet kids in the marriage and three more during.  Now two little grand daughters from one of the kids I married into. 
The BPD ex has left a few years ago. Hopped into another bed.  Took my kids and I'm saddled with all the blame, the bills and local stigma after she'd moved with my kids four hours away.  Heavy manipulations and maneuvering to expel me from her life and my kids.  therapy helps.
28000 miles of driving to be a father for my kids.  in that first year after the move and her last minute changes and manipulations complicate further.
Hurts.  Deeply, I know. 
Many told me it'll get better. Weeks months years out. 
It's daunting to hear.  Difficult to live.
You can and will get through this. 

I've found this site. Good advice. 
I have family remote though supportive.
And my faith in God. 
And I've signed in on this site.
A good list found above. 
Find time for yourself and care for yourself. 
You deserve it. 

[Shawnlam]

Good morning bing ,
     I’m sorry you are feeling this pain it definitely isn’t easy.I can only speak from my personal experience on what helped me with those sad times .My weeks consisted therapy , meditation,jogging,training ,and doing a lot of old hobbies I used to do before the relationship.I realized that during this relationship (the first time) I had given up all my time and made it about her.By doing this it made me dependent on her almost exclusively and kinda poisoned the relationship before it ever started.By getting back to doing everything I gave up plus adding more stuff ,I felt 10x better and slowly but surely I got back to my old self .I think returning to who we were prior to these relationships is key and what’s even more important, learning about what we did wrong ourselves and fixing those issues .