Placeholder

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi family,
Am packing all of his things, went this morning to get boxes.  What i am beginning to see is our ten yr r/s was a placeholder, i was the one invested in the r/s, he was there w me, as he had no where else to be.   Our r/s was a placeholder.  he was always flirting w other women, refused to make any long range plans w me, our home was a place to be until something better was a better place to be.
The only times he said things about how he felt towards me, caring, was when it looked like i was leaving him.   When i went on vacation w my kids, i came home to flowers and a loving card, that i was the most important person in his life.
When i got that card, i wanted to cry and laugh.
Cry because i had been waiting for that.  Laugh because nothing about our life revealed anything of the sort.

I see all of this NOW, ten years too late, everything, push, pull, it is BPD.
I did not have the presence of mind to discern when i was interacting with the TRUE him, or the BPD.

with kindness,  be good to yourself
j

[juju2]

Hi family,
Am packing all of his things, went this morning to get boxes.  What i am beginning to see is our ten yr r/s was a placeholder, i was the one invested in the r/s, he was there w me, as he had no where else to be.   Our r/s was a placeholder.  he was always flirting w other women, refused to make any long range plans w me, our home was a place to be until something better was a better place to be.
The only times he said things about how he felt towards me, caring, was when it looked like i was leaving him.   When i went on vacation w my kids, i came home to flowers and a loving card, that i was the most important person in his life.
When i got that card, i wanted to cry and laugh.
Cry because i had been waiting for that.  Laugh because nothing about our life revealed anything of the sort.

I see all of this NOW, ten years too late, everything, push, pull, it is BPD.
I did not have the presence of mind to discern when i was interacting with the TRUE him, or the BPD.

with kindness,  be good to yourself
j

[juju2]

all of this is awareness i have gotten going thru the pain of the r/s reality.  When i first met him, within the first week, he said he was still in love w his second wife, the mother of his son.  That r/s was twenty years ago then.   I am sure she divorced him because she could not be a placeholder.
His BPD, drugging, drinking, then.  (He is sober now).
It isnt rewarding to be the holder of a placeholder relationship.  My family.  Thank you for being there for me and everyone here who is hurting.

[Harley Quinn]

juju it sounds like you're doing some postmortem, which is healthy.  Take all of that pain and disappointment (maybe some anger?) and pour it into packing those boxes.   

You have a chance to write your own future any way you'd like it to be.  We take our lessons with us.

Love and light x

[juju2]

Thank you Harley.

Its seems now that i am getting to a better place, he is reaching out.  I only took his shoes out of our closet.   Thats all i got done today.

Did you have a recycle Harley.   How are you so strong.
j

[Harley Quinn]

No I didn't have a recycle. I have had to be strong as my ex is a danger to me so I have ignored any attempts to contact me after I asked for NC. I can honestly say that keeping that boundary on myself was probably the hardest thing I ever did at first, however with each choice to maintain it I felt the clear benefit and eventually the FOG lifted into a feeling of freedom. I found a new determination to love myself and to care about my own well-being above all else. Prior to that I would always make myself a low priority. It has been life changing and I look upon the whole experience as a valuable lesson. Doing the right thing for ourselves can be excruciatingly painful in the short term yet the long term benefits are immeasurable. I know how hard it can be to let go juju but believe me when I say you deserve more. From yourself and any future partner. 

Take your time and allow yourself patience to grieve as you gain momentum with the packing. You will find your flow and it will be driven by your purpose.

Love and light x

[juju2]

Harley,

I read some of your early posts.  From what i read, your s.o. was extreme.  I can totally understand your decision.

What i am seeing after reading and being on this site, is my s.o. got better.  The early years were the worst.  The crises were fewer, the bad behaviour less.  it seems like it all piled up, because he actually had gotten a lot better.   Think that is why i am having a hard time, because i went thru a lot w him, and things got better.   I wasnt better, my co d and another addiction i had (1yearfree now)is what caused us to separate.  I wasnt better.  i dont understand, what was going on w me.
I was a relapsed co dependent.  Somehow he got better and i got worse. 

Now i am a lot better, except emotionally very broken.  I hope for a recycle, except both of us healed.

[juju2]

So, when we went to a weekend recovery retreat in december, he confided to a mutual friend who told me, he broke up w me because i was relapsed co dependency.  I didnt think there was anything like that, i googled it, and i had all the symptoms!
So he did the only thing he could do in that situation: remove himself from my life.  He told me in a moment of vulnerability, that he had gone against what he knew to be right, that he had to be out of my life for me to deal w my issues... .
i was very toxic and ill.  I feel that what he did, caused me to hit bottom and work on myself, losing 50 lbs, deal w addiction, co dependency.
So he is high functioning BPD and i am high functioning co dependent.  I dont think i will ever not be co dependent.

Also, the first man i dated, over two months ago, i shared a lot w him, everything w my r/s, and he listened.  He said all that is wrong w me is that i havent had a normal r/s.  Thats it.  (He used to be a bar tender, he has heard a lot)

It helped me somehow to hear that.

Thank you for supporting me.  j

[juju2]

Family,

I blame myself for not taking good self care, and not getting help earlier for my addiction and co dep.

[Harley Quinn]

You blame yourself for the breakup?  There are two people in any r/s juju.  No one person is responsible for everything.  Try to go easy on yourself. 

Remind me, do you see a therapist?  That support is really valuable as we process our loss and work through the stages of grief.  Guilt is a heavy burden and one which can take some additional help to dislodge.  My counsellor made a huge difference in my thought processes around things I was feeling guilty for after the end of the r/s.  Letting go of that helps us to move forwards with less to carry.

Love and light x

[Cromwell]

Am packing all of his things, went this morning to get boxes.  What i am beginning to see is our ten yr r/s was a placeholder, i was the one invested in the r/s, he was there w me, as he had no where else to be.   Our r/s was a placeholder.  he was always flirting w other women, refused to make any long range plans w me, our home was a place to be until something better was a better place to be.
The only times he said things about how he felt towards me, caring, was when it looked like i was leaving him.   When i went on vacation w my kids, i came home to flowers and a loving card, that i was the most important person in his life.
When i got that card, i wanted to cry and laugh.

This is a powerful post for me juju2 thanks so much for sharing it.

I always wonder if the fact my ex stayed with me for so long (despite being on the constant look-out for a 'better' alternative) is an indicator of either I was so good at supplying those needs, had mustered that level of strength to carry her, or if it was the case that no-one else was as stupid enough to do so. im divided on this one. Beyond having the luxury to now ponder that sort of stuff, I found a lot of empowerment of finally packing up and calling it a day once and for all.

I never got flowers and a card, yet it would have been a waste of cardboard in my mind, provoking the same level of incredulous laughter at the banality of it all rather than feeling anything genuinely heartfelt of the gesture.

[juju2]

Hi family,

He asked to see me at a neutral location, we had some minor business to handle.
I didnt even get out of my vehicle.
He is being really kind and complimentary.
My take on all of the low contact is that he perhapse is seeing things, especially his work situation, our lifestyle, he had it incredible w me.
He had started treating me more and more poorly, which caused me to have a moment of clarity, ask for a healing separation.
Yesterday i got a glimpse of how he has healed.
j

[JNChell]

Hi, juju2. I’ve been keeping up on your situation with your pwBPD. It has been quite a painful struggle and a lot to process from what I’ve read. I feel for you.  Us nons can hold on to hope as if we were gripping a piece of rope while dangling from the tenth floor of a burning building. By the way, that rope has no knots.

I relate to his belongings being left behind. During one of the big breakups with my Son’s mother, she left her stuff at my house for 3 months. I gathered all of it up, packed what I could, and begged her to take her belongings out of my home. Whenever there was a drop off with our Son, she would come in, go through her stuff, and take whatever she wanted for that day. It was awful. She eventually took her stuff after I paid for the U-Haul and physically loaded most of it.

Our last and final breakup was a different story. This house was her’s. I didn’t have much there, but I was required to remove my property ASAP. I got a few necessities out, the rest I wrote off. I’m terrified of her, and that fact alone gave zero value to the rest of my possessions. I simply started over. I do wish I would’ve retrieved my crockpot, however.

He asked to see me at a neutral location, we had some minor business to handle.
I didnt even get out of my vehicle.
He is being really kind and complimentary.
My take on all of the low contact is that he perhapse is seeing things, especially his work situation, our lifestyle, he had it incredible w me.
He had started treating me more and more poorly, which caused me to have a moment of clarity, ask for a healing separation.
Yesterday i got a glimpse of how he has healed.

juju2, we’ve both been here long enough to know, understand and accept how long it takes for a Borderline to show signs of recovery. He isn’t there. He is doing what recyclers do. Accept this. Please. I know, understand and empathize with how strong the pull is, but there will be a push... .again. Please be kind to yourself and begin the real process of letting go. This man isn’t good for himself. Therefore, he can’t be good for you. It’s ok to love him from a distance. Harley Quinn has always been good at reminding us of this.

More and better things await us if we make the choice to heal ourselves, and leave the healing or demise of others to themselves. There is no logical guilt in letting go of unhealthy adults. They are still this way because they have manipulated people like you and I. They will continue to do this long after we are out of the picture. Allow him his journey if you have hope in him healing. In the meantime, be all about yourself. This is a must juju2.

[juju2]

Hi JNChell,
appreciate your response.
Am in a good state, am being peaceful, surrounding myself with kind and loving people.
One thing that helps me a lot is my program.
I go to two meetings a week, see my sponsor, take a meeting into the jail for women, once a month, the best thing for me.  When i can be of service, when i can get out of my own head.

Looking forward to taking more classes also, class starts in a few weeks... .
i dont know what my future holds.
I have let go of expectations.  Its better for me to have no expectations.  My thinking has become more healthy.
I give thanks to this community also.
With gratitude, j