Just needing to vent...she's playing video games, not engaging household issues

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I received a call this evening from our pastor asking about a mattress that my wife had told him we would donate to someone in need.  I had not heard anything about donating a mattress but told him that I could help him get it delivered whenever worked for him.  I asked my wife if we were donating a mattress, her reply was a snappy 'yes'.  I told her we were planning on delivering it tomorrow and that she needed to have it ready to go.  The mattress is upstairs and I know she can't get it down on her own so I ask her if she would like me to bring it down.  She responded almost screaming at me, 'I don't know right now, let me finish what I am doing!'.  I turned and walked away.  I am so angry or something along those lines.  What was she doing that was so important you ask?  She was playing a video game.  I do not plan to address it again.  If the time comes to get the mattress out of the house, I will just take care of it without a word.

On a slightly different note, the shower in our master bathroom has been an issue since we moved in almost 3 years ago.  I have patched it a few times but the floor keeps cracking in different places due to a poor install.  We have talked about having it replaced.  She even found someone that she wanted to do the work and had me contact them but they never got back to me.  While she was gone last week, I started looking into how to do it myself and pulled a few of the bottom tiles off, exposing black mold.  I texted her about the black mold and the new crack.  I got no response.  I did not do any further work on it as I wanted to wait for her to get home to go over it.  When I tried to talk to her about it when she got home, she told me she had nothing to say.  So today I went ahead and started ripping out the old shower.  Once I got the pan out, there was a lot of black mold all over the sub floor.  I sent her a picture of that (she was at work) and got no response.  When she got home, I asked her if she had any bleach water already mixed.  She told me it was probably in the laundry area.  I asked her if she could help with taking care of the black mold and she responded that she was not going to have anything to do with any of it.  WTH?  We had talked about it and it is obviously a health risk but because she doesn't like something about it (who knows what that is) she won't talk about it or help with it at all!  I am just going to quietly go ahead and keep working on the project.  I am really just using this post to vent so I can get at least some of the frustration out.

Woodchuck

[Woodchuck]

I received a call this evening from our pastor asking about a mattress that my wife had told him we would donate to someone in need.  I had not heard anything about donating a mattress but told him that I could help him get it delivered whenever worked for him.  I asked my wife if we were donating a mattress, her reply was a snappy 'yes'.  I told her we were planning on delivering it tomorrow and that she needed to have it ready to go.  The mattress is upstairs and I know she can't get it down on her own so I ask her if she would like me to bring it down.  She responded almost screaming at me, 'I don't know right now, let me finish what I am doing!'.  I turned and walked away.  I am so angry or something along those lines.  What was she doing that was so important you ask?  She was playing a video game.  I do not plan to address it again.  If the time comes to get the mattress out of the house, I will just take care of it without a word.

On a slightly different note, the shower in our master bathroom has been an issue since we moved in almost 3 years ago.  I have patched it a few times but the floor keeps cracking in different places due to a poor install.  We have talked about having it replaced.  She even found someone that she wanted to do the work and had me contact them but they never got back to me.  While she was gone last week, I started looking into how to do it myself and pulled a few of the bottom tiles off, exposing black mold.  I texted her about the black mold and the new crack.  I got no response.  I did not do any further work on it as I wanted to wait for her to get home to go over it.  When I tried to talk to her about it when she got home, she told me she had nothing to say.  So today I went ahead and started ripping out the old shower.  Once I got the pan out, there was a lot of black mold all over the sub floor.  I sent her a picture of that (she was at work) and got no response.  When she got home, I asked her if she had any bleach water already mixed.  She told me it was probably in the laundry area.  I asked her if she could help with taking care of the black mold and she responded that she was not going to have anything to do with any of it.  WTH?  We had talked about it and it is obviously a health risk but because she doesn't like something about it (who knows what that is) she won't talk about it or help with it at all!  I am just going to quietly go ahead and keep working on the project.  I am really just using this post to vent so I can get at least some of the frustration out.

Woodchuck

[Notwendy]

If the time comes to get the mattress out of the house, I will just take care of it without a word.

I am just going to quietly go ahead and keep working on the project.


For the first one- this is something she arranged with the pastor and didn't involve you. You offered to help and she was rude to you. It's actually her responsibility to deal with the mattress. She also has the ability to ask for help and to ask nicely and then you can help if you choose. You stepped in to solve her problem before she asked you.

She is an adult. She offered to donate the mattress. Let her deal with it how to move it- she can ask you, or the kids, or maybe the pastor was planning to bring someone to help with him. Solving someone's problems without being asked can be seen as invalidating.

For the second one- you decided to take on the shower project. You didn't discuss this with her, you did it and then you found the mold. You asked her to help and she said no. That is her choice. ( maybe not the decision you wanted ) but she can say yes or no to a project you started on your own, just like you can say yes or no to something she started.

I understand that you feel spouses should help each other, but as an exercise, it helps to look at things from our own side of the fence. You had an expectation about the shower, but she may not have been prepared to deal with it just as you weren't in the loop about the mattress.

I would suggest you don't be the silent servant as that leaves you resentful. Leave the mattress and let her ask you for help with it if she wants you to help.  You take care of the shower project.

[Woodchuck]

If the time comes to get the mattress out of the house, I will just take care of it without a word.

I am just going to quietly go ahead and keep working on the project.


For the first one- this is something she arranged with the pastor and didn't involve you. You offered to help and she was rude to you. It's actually her responsibility to deal with the mattress. She also has the ability to ask for help and to ask nicely and then you can help if you choose. You stepped in to solve her problem before she asked you.

She is an adult. She offered to donate the mattress. Let her deal with it how to move it- she can ask you, or the kids, or maybe the pastor was planning to bring someone to help with him. Solving someone's problems without being asked can be seen as invalidating.

For the second one- you decided to take on the shower project. You didn't discuss this with her, you did it and then you found the mold. You asked her to help and she said no. That is her choice. ( maybe not the decision you wanted ) but she can say yes or no to a project you started on your own, just like you can say yes or no to something she started.

I understand that you feel spouses should help each other, but as an exercise, it helps to look at things from our own side of the fence. You had an expectation about the shower, but she may not have been prepared to deal with it just as you weren't in the loop about the mattress.

I would suggest you don't be the silent servant as that leaves you resentful. Leave the mattress and let her ask you for help with it if she wants you to help.  You take care of the shower project.

Notwendy -
Good morning!  I am not quite sure I am completely following with these scenarios. I kind of got into the mix with the mattress because the pastor called me and asked about it.   I guess at that point, I could have told him that he would need to talk to my wife and leave it at that.   I agree that since she set it up, it is her responsibility but it kind of gets muddy, at least for me since I got the call about helping deliver it.  It was the pastor asking for help, not her.  She apparently had our son help her get it ready to go and moved down to the entryway last night.   

As far as the shower issue, we had talked about it on several occasions in the recent past and she was completely on board with getting it fixed.  I pulled 2 small tiles (4”x4”) last week while she was out of town after noticing another crack in the floor.  I did that to see if I could slide the pan out without taking anything else apart.  That ended up not working. I stopped there so we could discuss what we wanted to do when she got home.  It would have been very easy to reset the tiles and reseal the pan.  When I tried to talk to her about the issue when she got home, she refused and it was at that point I decided to take care of it as I saw fit.  I didn’t press her to talk or try to get her to engage after she told me she wasn’t going to discuss it.   I don’t want to mess around with mold being in the house and don’t want to wait around playing her ‘games’ before taking action.  I guess I feel like I did what I could to include her and communicated and she just shut me out.   Maybe I am looking at things in a warped way. 

[Notwendy]

The issue I was focusing on is your resentment, how your wife responds to you, and your decision to be the silent servant - doing the tasks while seething to yourself.

Some background about myself- raised by BPD mother and enabling father- I was basically raised to be a doormat to them. That was my "normal" to survive in the family. The problem in my adult life is that nobody respects a doormat. Somehow I imagined the more I did, that someone would notice and treat me better. That didn't work and I don't know if it does work.

I don't suggest becoming a mean, cold- hearted person or paying someone back by disrespecting them. I still enjoy helping out and being kind but I had to also include myself in this kindness and self respect. My own resentment was the key to figuring out when to help and when not to. Everyone has tasks to do- this is not about just following my own wishes. Dinner has to be cooked or my kids don't eat- whether or not I want to cook that night. I am talking about doing things I don't have to do and feeling intense resentment over it. That tells my I crossed the line from helping to being a doormat.

Your wife is treating you with contempt and she is stonewalling you when you try to engage her. The answer isn't to do things quietly and suffer in silence. Yes, if the pastor asks you directly to help him- that is between you and him, but if he calls to ask you something your wife did and didn't include you- don't get on that triangle- say " I don't know anything about that, please ask my wife".

As to the shower, yes, it would be nice if your wife also shared your concerns, but apparently she doesn't. Fix it for you. You don't like mold in there and I don't blame you, but expecting your wife to feel the same way may not be realistic. She might not care enough to fix it, and you can't make her care. Since you started the project, finish it, without engaging her. You and your family will benefit from that.

If your wife "orders" you to do something, and it isn't essential, you can say no. That may not be easy and she may pitch a fit- because that has worked for her in the past, but at some point you can decide to not let her treat you this way. That has to come from you. She does what she does because it works for her and you can't expect her to change a behavior that does.

[Ltahoe]

So I’ve found that my wife too will find playing games on her phone more important than helping with what she is capable of. It was pointed out to me that when I ask perhaps my wife sees it as unthoughtful for disturbing her, Whether logical or not. In my home we’ve kind of found a routine that works and I don’t really ask for help on home projects unless I need additional hands. It’s actually been suggested I call my brother or friends to move a couch before that she’s perfectly capable of helping with.  Even projects that were her idea, she’s participated In planning she bails out of the work part.  So sadly I’ve come to understand I’m alone in home projects. Because of this she finds herself alone in doing the routine household cleaning, and she seems to accept it this way. I don’t bother her for projects and she don’t bother me to do dishes or vacuum. Of course I also find myself doing the cooking 90% of the time, and gets her out of the spot of coordinating meals and preparing them, which was also an issue I had with her. I understand it’s frustrating but I’ve found a system and try not to interrupt it when it comes to household work.

[Notwendy]

I have a similar situation with household tasks and child care. It is primarily my job, and we have both agreed to that. I have friends in similar arrangements. They do most of the work of home and kids, but if they have something special they want to do, they can ask their husbands to please take the kids so they can attend a meeting, or a ladies church group, or something like that. I tried that and it did not go well. There were even a few times my H would agree to watch the kids so I could go to a work meeting and then back out at the last minute and I could not go.

I learned quickly to not ask him. If I needed to do something work related, I would get a sitter. I don't ask him to help with projects around the house that I want to do. We have things worked out between us, but there seems to be a solid line between us when it comes to things we do. Although it works, it feels more like two people living side by side than sharing or helping. He does his stuff, I do mine.

When I see couples doing things together, like taking the kids to the park together, or shopping together in the supermarket, or going to Home Depot together, it looks really odd to me because I took the kids by myself when he did something else on weekends, and we don't food shop together. Seeing couples do things together reminds me that, this isn't us. We have worked out a system that works in our own way.

[formflier]

" I don't know anything about that, please ask my wife".

The point that I would hope you take away from this is not the "exact words" but the "mindset" that produces the words.

Look back on what you said... .I won't try to quote it, but there is problem solving/fixing in there.  My guess is that is a fairly constant "mindset" for you to  use  (it was for me... .and I still struggle with it)

Think about the "mindset" of a person that would say the following things.

"Oh hey pastor... .goodness, I don't know anything about that.  Perhaps just follow up with my wife."

"Oh how kind of her.  Do you guys have a specific need in mind?  Perhaps I can think of additional things." (and then eventually get to the I don't know about the mattress)

"Oh... .wow... how dare she do this without asking?  Would your wife do that?  What are we going to do about my wife?"

I could go on... . 

There is the "stay out of it approach"

There is the "jump into it approach"

There is the "bitch and moan about my wife not doing it my way approach"

(there could be others)

Yes... there really is a point here... hang with me. 

I would encourage you to pick an approach and be consistent.

"Hey babe... I'm considering working on the shower.  If that's ok with you... .let me know and I'll get started."  (you go on with your life until she responds)

or... you just do it and perhaps let her know.  "I fixed the shower yesterday... .wanna look at the pictures of the nasty mold.  Good grief... ."

or

When she talks about getting it done... ."Sounds great honey.  I'm behind you all the way"  (then stay behind her... let her do it)

What I see from you is switching back and forth with associated resentment that she isn't onboard.

Quick example from FF life.  My wife is a teacher so it makes sense she will handle passwords and school admin systems for our kids.  She kindly asked me to pay a couple of associated fees and I said sure... "please send me the password and I'll handle it"

She promised she would send the password... .and hasn't.  It's come up a time or two and I've reminded her after she brought it up that I haven't received the passwords yet.  She was apologetic and promised to get them to me.  (anyone wanna guess... .I still don't have them)

I don't resent it.  I find it curious.  And I'm certainly ready for a blame fest (which I will withdraw from).  More than likely a deadline will approach a password will show up and I will move forward.

or

She will pay it herself.

What I have decided is I won't get further involved (emotionally or otherwise) in my wife's odd choices about getting things accomplished

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I hear you, Woodchuck. I'm the handyperson around here. Rarely does a day go by when I'm not repairing something here on the ranch. Meanwhile my husband sits in his studio, reading or watching TV.

It used to bug the heck out of me, but now I've accepted that's just who he is. He does pay the bills, so I'm grateful for that.

But previously it used to fall on my shoulders to fix things that were allegedly his responsibility. He wanted to put in lawns by the pool and next to his studio. I'm not big on lawns because of how much care they need and I've got tons of other gardening responsibilities.

So when swimming, I noticed a couple of the sprinklers weren't working properly and I told him. (Solved the mystery as to why brown patches had appeared in the grass.) He asked me how to fix it. I walked through the explanation and didn't do anything more, instead of fixing it, as I would have done previously.

When he goes out to the lawn and unscrews the sprinkler head, he discovers the riser has sheared off, so he has to dig it out to unscrew the broken riser from where it's connected to the coupling, underground. He goes to the hardware store, gets the parts, and fixes it himself! 

I was very proud of him for doing that, kinda like you'd be proud of a kid. And in the process of fixing it, he realized that it can take a lot of time to repair something, particularly when you don't have an extra part on hand and have to go to the hardware store.

It used to drive me crazy when I was fixing something or building something that he'd ask me, "How long is that going to take?" Typically it was because it was getting close to dinner time. I'd always say, "As long as it takes," and think to myself that this guy has never fixed anything--he has no idea of all the things that can go wrong.

[Woodchuck]

I have a similar situation with household tasks and child care. It is primarily my job, and we have both agreed to that. I have friends in similar arrangements. They do most of the work of home and kids, but if they have something special they want to do, they can ask their husbands to please take the kids so they can attend a meeting, or a ladies church group, or something like that. I tried that and it did not go well. There were even a few times my H would agree to watch the kids so I could go to a work meeting and then back out at the last minute and I could not go.

I learned quickly to not ask him. If I needed to do something work related, I would get a sitter. I don't ask him to help with projects around the house that I want to do. We have things worked out between us, but there seems to be a solid line between us when it comes to things we do. Although it works, it feels more like two people living side by side than sharing or helping. He does his stuff, I do mine.

When I see couples doing things together, like taking the kids to the park together, or shopping together in the supermarket, or going to Home Depot together, it looks really odd to me because I took the kids by myself when he did something else on weekends, and we don't food shop together. Seeing couples do things together reminds me that, this isn't us. We have worked out a system that works in our own way.

Notwendy -
I can very much relate to how you feel with two people living 'side by side', though I think that might even be going a bit far, at least for me.  It is two people living in the same house and trying to raise two children.  I have been at the point where I very rarely ask for anything and if I do, it is almost always a genuine need where I am almost unable to do something on my own (i.e. drop a vehicle off to get worked on for a few days).  Yes there are ways that I could get back home without her picking me up but that just doesn't make sense unless she is unable or refuses.  I go to that point because she claims that she is always busy and 'does everything', so I decided quite some time ago to just take care of everything myself.
I can see what you are talking about as far as the resentment and I think that stems from me doing things as I think she would like them done and trying to communicate and expecting something in return (being communication and or appreciation for trying to do things her way).  So the issue is I had an expectation with the shower project and that was not met and that caused the resentment.  Fortunately, I was able to rather quickly shrug it off and just go about fixing it.   I just need to work on having no expectations.  That is going to be difficult.

As for the mattress issue.  I wasn't upset that she offered to donate it without telling me.  In fact I am glad to get it out of the house and free up some space.  What I didn't appreciate was being called and asked about it when I don't even know anything about it and she could have very easily just mentioned that she was donating it and that I might be contacted to help deliver it.  Again, I guess as I look at it, it was again an expectation on my part for her to communicate and not leave me being 'surprised' by something.  

For me saying 'no' is very difficult, though I know it is necessary.  I think part of it is based on fear and pre/over analyzing things.  If she asks/orders me to do something that she is perfectly capable of, I may be tempted to say no but the fear of what will happen when I say no gives me an 'excuse' to just do it.  If I don't say 'no' I don't risk the probability of her claiming that I am just demonstrating that I am not there for her and don't support her.  I need to get past that and am working on it.

As far as responsibilities, I have tried to talk to her about what each of our responsibilities are.  This is never a long conversation as I usually begin with asking her what she believes her responsibilities are and the response is always 'I don't know'.  That is the end of that.  

It really hurts my heart when I see couples/families together appearing to have a good time and loving each other.  I feel starved for that and I cannot wrap my head around eliminating that from my life and I guess 'just settling'.  I don't know if that makes any sense.  I just want to be able to work together, have fun together, just basically enjoy life together.   Yes, there will always be bumps in the road but most of those can be worked through rather easily I believe, if both people value the relationship and the other person... .

That you again for all your insight and coaching!  

[formflier]

Perhaps I'm overanalyzing your words... .perhaps not.

People surprise each other... that's what we do.  pwBPD do this more than the rest of us.  It's just what they do.

Instead of being "hurt" by this... .why not be "surprised".  Stay genuine... express the surprise... and move on. 

There is nothing to change or fix or... whatever.  Genuinely express to others what happened and move on.

Thoughts?

Switching gears:  You guys obviously have very different ideas about raising a child and operating a home.

My guess is you wouldn't appreciate her making you change... .and I doubt she appreciates you pushing her to change.

What would life look like if you did you part as you see fit and leave the rest of it.  Perhaps you cook half the meals... over even 60%.  Then... let life happen. 

My guess is people won't starve.  Perhaps she will be ok with grabbing milk and an uncrustable can calling it good. 

Seriously... .what would your life be like?  Note:  You are under no obligation to listen to her blather about you being lazy.  Do your part... plus a bit and move on. 

That may raise her interest in mutual agreement... .or not.  Either way your life is better.  Right?

FF

[Woodchuck]

I hear you, Woodchuck. I'm the handyperson around here. Rarely does a day go by when I'm not repairing something here on the ranch. Meanwhile my husband sits in his studio, reading or watching TV.

It used to bug the heck out of me, but now I've accepted that's just who he is. He does pay the bills, so I'm grateful for that.

But previously it used to fall on my shoulders to fix things that were allegedly his responsibility. He wanted to put in lawns by the pool and next to his studio. I'm not big on lawns because of how much care they need and I've got tons of other gardening responsibilities.

So when swimming, I noticed a couple of the sprinklers weren't working properly and I told him. (Solved the mystery as to why brown patches had appeared in the grass.) He asked me how to fix it. I walked through the explanation and didn't do anything more, instead of fixing it, as I would have done previously.

When he goes out to the lawn and unscrews the sprinkler head, he discovers the riser has sheared off, so he has to dig it out to unscrew the broken riser from where it's connected to the coupling, underground. He goes to the hardware store, gets the parts, and fixes it himself! 

I was very proud of him for doing that, kinda like you'd be proud of a kid. And in the process of fixing it, he realized that it can take a lot of time to repair something, particularly when you don't have an extra part on hand and have to go to the hardware store.

It used to drive me crazy when I was fixing something or building something that he'd ask me, "How long is that going to take?" Typically it was because it was getting close to dinner time. I'd always say, "As long as it takes," and think to myself that this guy has never fixed anything--he has no idea of all the things that can go wrong.

Cat -
That all sounds a bit familiar as my W spends the majority of the time she is not sleeping on her phone or computer.  I have no problem at all fixing things, I actually enjoy it.  I am very hands on person and enjoy fixing stuff around the house and learning new skills.  The part that makes it tough is she has voiced that she wants me to talk to her before doing almost anything in regards to house repairs/maintenance but then when I try to do that, she stonewalls or something along those line.  On top of that, her personality is one where as long as it still works, it doesn't need fixed even if you can tell there is a problem.  I am more of the preventative maintenance mentality and try to fix things before they become a true problem.  I did have a similar experience to your sprinkler experience a few weeks ago.  She had wanted to get the deck stained and she actually took the initiative to go out and get it done and got the kids involved with helping.  It was great to see her out working on something and 'living life' instead of hiding behind a screen.  I was, as you say, proud of her.

Woodchuck

[Red5]

Afternoon Woodchuck,

A couple of things…

The mattress, that’s your wife’s gig, when the Pastor or his hired man shows up to collect it, offer your help then, and go from there… I know that many times, as you describe, when us Non’s “offer help”, or try to involve ourselves in a helpful friendly manner in the business of the pw/BPD, its seen as butting in, or “taking over”, ie’ controlling, and so sometimes consequentially, we get our head bitten off resultant, OUCH !… when all we were trying to do was… “help”… whew boy’.

Black mold is very bad news, as you know, and with the help of a good YouTube video, we can all be rocket scientist , or else stone masons … I actually write checklists for rocket scientist for a living ha ha ( seriously I really do !)… so that said, visit www.tilemasterga.com/… and his YouTube channel https://www.you.tube.com/channel/UClKS6HwCUT3E2EEnUu2INog

… thumbs up Man !

Yes, fix the shower on your own, and let her be… myself and udx BPDW remodeled, no, completely rebuilt our master bedroom, and bath, to include moving walls, carving up the concrete foundation for claw foot tub drain, and walk in shower; and all kinds of deep level repairs/improvements… I tell you, I was ready to call Detective Colombo, and confess to premediated homicide before it was over, yeah… me and udx BPDW cannot even change a freakin light bulb together and not get into a hullabaloo !

Wow, the stories I could tell… about “home improvements” around the Red5 domicile over the past ten years… yeah, wow !

As for computer time... .with me, the more Red5W is "on the net"... .the less time she is bothering me .

I also have a 16x20 shop (man cave) out back, and me and my S31(autistic) hang out; out there quite a lot... .thank the Good Lord for "shed time"... .

Hang Tough Woodchuck !

Red5

[Woodchuck]

Afternoon Woodchuck,

A couple of things …

The mattress, … that’s your wife’s gig, when the Pastor or his hired man shows up to collect it, offer your help then, and go from there … I know that many times, as you describe, … when us Non’s “offer help”, or try to involve ourselves in a helpful friendly manner in the business of the pw/BPD, its seen as butting in, or “taking over”, ie’ controlling, and so sometimes consequentially, we get our head bitten off resultant, OUCH ! … when all we were trying to do was … “help” … whew boy’.

Black mold is very bad news, as you know, … and with the help of a good YouTube video, we can all be rocket scientist , or else stone masons  … I actually write checklists for rocket scientist for a living ha ha ( seriously I really do !) … so that said, … visit www.tilemasterga.com/ … and his YouTube channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UClKS6HwCUT3E2EEnUu2INog

… thumbs up Man !

Yes, fix the shower on your own, and let her be … myself and udx BPDW remodeled, … no, completely rebuilt our master bedroom, and bath, to include moving walls, carving up the concrete foundation for claw foot tub drain, and walk in shower; and all kinds of deep level repairs/improvements … I tell you, I was ready to call Detective Colombo, and confess to premediated homicide before it was over, yeah … me and udx BPDW cannot even change a freakin light bulb together and not get into a hullabaloo !

Wow, the stories I could tell … about “home improvements” around the Red5 domicile over the past ten years … yeah, wow !

As for computer time ... .with me, the more Red5W is "on the net" ... .the less time she is bothering me .

I also have a 16x20 shop (man cave) out back, and me and my S31(autistic) hang out; out there quite a lot ... .thank the Good Lord for "shed time" ... .

Hang Tough Woodchuck !

Red5

Red -
Good afternoon and thank you for the insight!  The remodeling issue has almost always been an issue, in large part because doesn't like people in 'her space'.  We had our house flood several years ago and she had a very very difficult time with the contractors being in her house.  I did as much of the work as I could to minimize the amount of time 'strangers' were in our house as well as to save on money but I couldn't do everything.  This current issue is minor compared to then but still an issue.  Again in large part, I guess I am doing as self preservation/recognizing that she doesn't like people in her space.  I have plenty of other things I could be doing but at the end of the day, I look at it as I get to learn something new.  

The computer issue bothers me mainly because she is constantly getting after the children for spending too much time on electronics but is not modeling the behavior that she is 'demanding'.  She is on her phone/computer more than the rest of everyone put together.  So the fact that she is not practicing what she is preaching to the kids is what is frustrating.  If they were not in the picture, it would hardly bother me at all aside from the fact that she isn't really 'living'.  
I have a shop as well and spend time working on things.  That is kind of my 'self-therapy' but I get caught up in mind games with that as well as she will attack for me spending too much time in the shop, so at times I will just sit and do nothing to try to maintain peace but then I get stir crazy and that is not healthy either.  It is quite difficult for me to find the proper balance but the more I read and interact here, the easier it gets to identify things I can do to hopefully make things more manageable.

Woodchuck

[Notwendy]

Woodchuck-
I'll do something that was done to me when I had a sponsor for co-dependency 12 step groups. If I vented about someone - she turned the mirror on to me. That isn't because the other person did no wrong, but it was because I can't change them, just myself.

I've read several books on marriage that make an interesting point- we attract and are attracted to people who "match" us emotionally in some way. Our attraction/ who we attract is influenced by our own FOO patterns and our boundaries. How did some of us end up here? Because there is something about us that matched our spouses. Another person may have been initially attracted to them, but because of the dysfunction/boundary issues probably would have moved on eventually. Yes, there is the love bombing stage but they would have felt something was "off".  Basically, we have the relationship we are emotionally capable of having. I also read that breaking off a relationship and not examining our end of it and making changes- we are likely to repeat the dysfunction with someone else. There are people who have had more than one relationship with someone with BPD.

How to change this starts with the person we can change- us. We can't change someone else, but if one person changes in a relationship, and the dynamics change- the other person will feel some discomfort- then they will either have to adjust, to the new dynamics, or they will move on. That is the risk of changing, but without change, the dynamics are likely to stay the same.

The division of jobs may not be "settling" but letting each person be responsible for their part in things. If she offers the mattress to the Pastor, then it is her responsibility to get it to him- or to ask you for help. If she doesn't like the workmen in the house, well that is her choice- either they are there to fix it, or live with a broken part of the house. (FWIW- we have had work on the house done and it is irritating to me more than my H if I am home with them and he's out at work- they are in my workspace- but I tolerate it so that the house can be fixed). Her discomfort is her own discomfort. You don't have to fix her feelings for her. It's reality- workmen in the house can be disruptive, but  you gotta deal with that if you want the house fixed.

My perspective on role modeling changed when I dealt with my own co-dependency traits. I agree it is confusing as a child to be taught certain ethics and behaviors and have a parent, like my BPD mother, not role model them. Yet, seeing her behaviors was obvious. I knew not to do what she did. What I could not see were my father's behaviors. To me, he was the "normal " one and I perceived him as a victim of my BPD mother. I know that if not for my father, we'd probably have been homeless- I attribute my well being as a child to him. It wasn't until I had to look in the mirror at my own enabling behavior that I realized that he was more of my role model than my mother was. Honestly, given the two choices, I know it was better to behave like him, but it still set the stage for my own issues in relationships.

When you do the work on the house to "relieve" your wife of the discomfort of workmen there, when you fix her mattress dilemma, when you behave like the quiet suffering servant to her, when you focus on her feelings and how to relieve her of them, your children are watching you. No parents are perfect, we all make mistakes- but if you can't change what your wife role models, you can change what you do. Venting is a way to start because, if there is an issue that irritates you, you can look at it from both sides and get clues to how to work on your part.

[Woodchuck]

Woodchuck-
I'll do something that was done to me when I had a sponsor for co-dependency 12 step groups. If I vented about someone - she turned the mirror on to me. That isn't because the other person did no wrong, but it was because I can't change them, just myself.

I've read several books on marriage that make an interesting point- we attract and are attracted to people who "match" us emotionally in some way. Our attraction/ who we attract is influenced by our own FOO patterns and our boundaries. How did some of us end up here? Because there is something about us that matched our spouses. Another person may have been initially attracted to them, but because of the dysfunction/boundary issues probably would have moved on eventually. Yes, there is the love bombing stage but they would have felt something was "off".  Basically, we have the relationship we are emotionally capable of having. I also read that breaking off a relationship and not examining our end of it and making changes- we are likely to repeat the dysfunction with someone else. There are people who have had more than one relationship with someone with BPD.

How to change this starts with the person we can change- us. We can't change someone else, but if one person changes in a relationship, and the dynamics change- the other person will feel some discomfort- then they will either have to adjust, to the new dynamics, or they will move on. That is the risk of changing, but without change, the dynamics are likely to stay the same.

The division of jobs may not be "settling" but letting each person be responsible for their part in things. If she offers the mattress to the Pastor, then it is her responsibility to get it to him- or to ask you for help. If she doesn't like the workmen in the house, well that is her choice- either they are there to fix it, or live with a broken part of the house. (FWIW- we have had work on the house done and it is irritating to me more than my H if I am home with them and he's out at work- they are in my workspace- but I tolerate it so that the house can be fixed). Her discomfort is her own discomfort. You don't have to fix her feelings for her. It's reality- workmen in the house can be disruptive, but  you gotta deal with that if you want the house fixed.

My perspective on role modeling changed when I dealt with my own co-dependency traits. I agree it is confusing as a child to be taught certain ethics and behaviors and have a parent, like my BPD mother, not role model them. Yet, seeing her behaviors was obvious. I knew not to do what she did. What I could not see were my father's behaviors. To me, he was the "normal " one and I perceived him as a victim of my BPD mother. I know that if not for my father, we'd probably have been homeless- I attribute my well being as a child to him. It wasn't until I had to look in the mirror at my own enabling behavior that I realized that he was more of my role model than my mother was. Honestly, given the two choices, I know it was better to behave like him, but it still set the stage for my own issues in relationships.

When you do the work on the house to "relieve" your wife of the discomfort of workmen there, when you fix her mattress dilemma, when you behave like the quiet suffering servant to her, when you focus on her feelings and how to relieve her of them, your children are watching you. No parents are perfect, we all make mistakes- but if you can't change what your wife role models, you can change what you do. Venting is a way to start because, if there is an issue that irritates you, you can look at it from both sides and get clues to how to work on your part.

Notwendy -
Good morning!  I have really been focusing on 'turning the mirror on myself' and I think that it has helped.  I fully recognize that I can't change her or anyone else for that matter.  I may be wrong or in denial or justifying or maybe a bit of each but I think it is more about wanting to have my needs met and be validated myself than changing her although as I write this and think about it, that would involve her changing. 
I think that our relationship started out very 'abnormal'.  Meeting online and deciding to get married after only spending a day of face to face time together is not normal and I believe that neither of us really knew each other.  I believe the things that drew us together, at least from my perspective was having similar family backgrounds and being from the same town.  I am convinced that if we had spent any real length of time together in day to day interactions before getting married, the relationship would have not lasted.  But that is really not of any importance as things did not go that way.
 
So over the last few days, there have been several interactions where I believe I have made some headway---

She has had an outdoor chair that has needed fixed sitting in the house for 3-4 weeks.  She has asked our son to fix it but he does not know how and has told her so.  She has also refused to ask me to fix it.  I see it every day and have the urge to just take care of it but I realize that she is capable of either fixing the chair or asking for help to fix it.  She started yelling at our son last night, asking him why he hasn't fixed it yet.  He got frustrated and told her that he didn't know how and had already told her that.  After that, she went and found what she needed to fix the chair.  I just quietly let her do her thing instead of jumping in and 'rescuing' her.  Apparently she successfully fixed it.  That included her going and using some of my tools and leaving them not put away but again, not something worth addressing with her.  I felt like it was a win for me setting a boundary for myself.

I had to go take care of the dog that she had me get rid of because the guy that has him now was not going to be home until late.  Typically I would do this covertly so she would not know.  The kids have voiced that they miss the dog many times.  I decided yesterday to just communicate openly about what I was doing.  I told the kids (with her present) that I was going to go take care of 'Fido' and asked if they would like to go.  They were excited and said yes.  So we got ready and went over and had a great time with the dog.  It was great but sad to see them enjoy seeing him so much.  I looked at this as another 'win' for me changing myself and not 'walking on eggshells' to 'protect' her.  I love the dog, the kids love the dog and it is her problem if she doesn't.

While we were taking care of the dog, she texted me and asked me where her keys were.  I had used her car earlier and her keys were still in my pocket so I simply replied, 'I guess I still have them, sorry' and left it at that.  She asked when I would be home and I responded with just the time I was planning on being home.  Typically in a situation like that, I would be rushing to get her what she needed but I finished taking care of the dog and went back home.  I would also typically ask her if she needed me to pick anything up on the way home but did not as she is fully capable of asking if she needs something.  I look at this as another 'win' with taking care of what I need to take care of and communicating in short factual ways rather than allowing myself to get involved in a senseless argument.

Friday night is usually family night with pizza and a movie so when we got back from taking care of the dog, I gave her keys back to her and she started getting ready to leave.  I simply asked if she was planning on being at home for dinner and she replied that she did not plan on being home for dinner.  I just let it go and she walked out.  Typically, I would start JADEing, explaining that it was family night and we always spend it together etc.  You can imagine how the conversation would evolve.  So I proceeded to order our dinner and had a great time with the kids watching a movie.  She showed up around the end of the movie and did not say anything.  After the movie, I put everything away and went to bed.  I see this as a 'win' as I set boundaries for myself and just kept doing what I believed was right and did not allow her actions to really impact me and trigger me.  I was also able to recognize JADEing was going to be an issue and refrained.

All of these are minor steps but it is a start and it feels good in a way to be more aware and just do without being 'fearful'.

[formflier]

  I am convinced that if we had spent any real length of time together in day to day interactions before getting married, the relationship would have not lasted.  But that is really not of any importance as things did not go that way.

Actually... I think it is very important.

Decision making "should be" very structured.  Many people decide what "feels" right (and sometimes that is best way).

Usually it's most helpful to look at where you are, look at how you got here and figure out if you are happy with results.

If the answer is no... that you wouldn't do it again... .then usually you should make a dramatically different decision going forward

Or... .you should have some very well thought out reasons why you shouldn't.

So, if you get it that the relationship shouldn't/wouldn't have lasted then... .why should it now?  (there may be very good reasons why)

FF

[Woodchuck]

Actually... I think it is very important.

Decision making "should be" very structured.  Many people decide what "feels" right (and sometimes that is best way).

Usually it's most helpful to look at where you are, look at how you got here and figure out if you are happy with results.

If the answer is no... that you wouldn't do it again... .then usually you should make a dramatically different decision going forward

Or... .you should have some very well thought out reasons why you shouldn't.

So, if you get it that the relationship shouldn't/wouldn't have lasted then... .why should it now?  (there may be very good reasons why)

FF

FF-
That is a very good point.  I guess the main reason that it should now is because of the children that we have together.  I know this is a debatable topic but currently, I believe it is best that I choose to stay.  Going forward, I would not rush into a relationship with anyone.  Meeting someone online that you are interested in great and normal these days but I would not allow myself to develop a 'deep' relationship with them without getting to really know them in 'real life' as much as possible.  I guess what I was getting at as far as it not being important is that I can't go back and change anything, but you are correct that it is important moving forward. 

Woodchuck

[Cat Familiar]

Good work, Woodchuck with changing your patterns in the relationship.