How do I mend this conflict?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi guys.
This is going to be a long post and I apologize but I really need some help.
I'm here today because I need advice.
My BPD boyfriend and I have been on a downward spiral for the past month. He has recently been diagnosed but I've suspected BPD was what he had for a long time now. The episodes have been happening weekly now. Sometimes 3 times a week and lasting for days. We go two or three days with him being kind and loving and then several days with him hating me.

This week he felt once again like I dont show him enough affection. I feel like I'm very loving towards him 99% of the time. I have tried to nip this fight in the butt but he believes I never work on proving my love to him. The fight just spiraled out of control. Its been three days now.

He called me 3 days ago from work angry. He asked "How much money did you use on my debit card?" I reply " 10 dollars, why?" He said he was just wondering. Mind you, I never asked for his debit card. I didnt need it. He told me he was leaving it for me in case I did. This is part of his control. He was then upset because I had a friend over and we went kayaking behind our house. He doesnt like this friend. I reminded him that we only went kayaking and she was only over for a couple hours. We didnt do anything wrong. He then told me I needed to leave our home and go sleep at my mother's house because he was annoyed of me and didnt want to see me. This hurt me. With all of the fighting we have been doing, I got up and left. I literally could not handle another night of fighting.
This relationship has been so draining lately and I try so hard to not engage in his fighting but sometimes it is so hard. He accuses me of things I dont do and he twists my words around. It drives me insane. He constantly tells me how I feel. I tell him I love him, and he says no you dont. It's so hard trying to fight for our relationship when he has convinced himself  that I dont love him.

So I leave and go to my moms. We end up texting each other and I tell him I cant take this anymore. I tell him that we cant keep living like this because it is so unhealthy and toxic. I tell him it all needs to change or I will have to leave. I feel like this because I just dont know what to do anymore. I have tried and tried to prove I love him. I literally do nothing anymore with any of my friends because he gets mad, so I've adjusted my time with friends to pretty much nothing to make him happy. I stay home and I do all the things a good girlfriend would do. I clean our home daily, I make supper for him everynight. I do his laundry. I make sure our bills are paid and on top of that I take care of my 13 year old son and deal with my BPD's emotional unstableness. I am trying so hard to keep this all together and stay positive but sometimes i feel so alone in the struggle.

Yesterday was his first appointment with his therapist. He told me, inbetween all of our fighting that his apt was good. He likes her, and he broke down to her. He was embarrassed of this but I told him that was a good thing. It's better to dive right in and get to the root of the issues. I'm hopeful that with therapy he will be able to heal.

He has a very awful relationship with his father. His father made him feel like he was worth nothing his whole entire life. Never received any kind of praise, love or validation his whole childhood from his father. They're relationship has been absolute turmoil his whole life. My BPD boyfriend feels like he is never good enough. He works for his father now and someday will take over his business. I think the working for his dad makes the healing process so much harder because he is still dealing with the emotional abuse from his dad.

So today, he will be coming home after work and I want to prepare myself for it. I need to know the right things to say because I feel like I do it all wrong and make things worse. The issue right now is, he is upset that I threatened to leave yesterday, even when he was the one who made me leave. He said he cant be with someone who gives up. I dont want to give up. I have told him this but I know I messed up when I said I'd leave if this didnt change. It furthered his fear of abandonment I guess. How do I have a healthy and productive conversation with him to make him see that I want to make this work and that i dont want to leave? I do want to stay but only if he works on himself and continues therapy. He thinks I blame everything on him and his BPD and that I'm the one who causes all of our problems. I have such a hard time agreeing with that statement because I know I'm a good girlfriend but when I defend myself it makes it worse? What are techniques you guys use to stop the conflict ? Any advice would be appreciated. I'm so new to this and I'm so overwhelmed. I feel like anything I do or say is always wrong.


 

[Stargaze88]

Hi guys.
This is going to be a long post and I apologize but I really need some help.
I'm here today because I need advice.
My BPD boyfriend and I have been on a downward spiral for the past month. He has recently been diagnosed but I've suspected BPD was what he had for a long time now. The episodes have been happening weekly now. Sometimes 3 times a week and lasting for days. We go two or three days with him being kind and loving and then several days with him hating me.

This week he felt once again like I dont show him enough affection. I feel like I'm very loving towards him 99% of the time. I have tried to nip this fight in the butt but he believes I never work on proving my love to him. The fight just spiraled out of control. Its been three days now.

He called me 3 days ago from work angry. He asked "How much money did you use on my debit card?" I reply " 10 dollars, why?" He said he was just wondering. Mind you, I never asked for his debit card. I didnt need it. He told me he was leaving it for me in case I did. This is part of his control. He was then upset because I had a friend over and we went kayaking behind our house. He doesnt like this friend. I reminded him that we only went kayaking and she was only over for a couple hours. We didnt do anything wrong. He then told me I needed to leave our home and go sleep at my mother's house because he was annoyed of me and didnt want to see me. This hurt me. With all of the fighting we have been doing, I got up and left. I literally could not handle another night of fighting.
This relationship has been so draining lately and I try so hard to not engage in his fighting but sometimes it is so hard. He accuses me of things I dont do and he twists my words around. It drives me insane. He constantly tells me how I feel. I tell him I love him, and he says no you dont. It's so hard trying to fight for our relationship when he has convinced himself  that I dont love him.

So I leave and go to my moms. We end up texting each other and I tell him I cant take this anymore. I tell him that we cant keep living like this because it is so unhealthy and toxic. I tell him it all needs to change or I will have to leave. I feel like this because I just dont know what to do anymore. I have tried and tried to prove I love him. I literally do nothing anymore with any of my friends because he gets mad, so I've adjusted my time with friends to pretty much nothing to make him happy. I stay home and I do all the things a good girlfriend would do. I clean our home daily, I make supper for him everynight. I do his laundry. I make sure our bills are paid and on top of that I take care of my 13 year old son and deal with my BPD's emotional unstableness. I am trying so hard to keep this all together and stay positive but sometimes i feel so alone in the struggle.

Yesterday was his first appointment with his therapist. He told me, inbetween all of our fighting that his apt was good. He likes her, and he broke down to her. He was embarrassed of this but I told him that was a good thing. It's better to dive right in and get to the root of the issues. I'm hopeful that with therapy he will be able to heal.

He has a very awful relationship with his father. His father made him feel like he was worth nothing his whole entire life. Never received any kind of praise, love or validation his whole childhood from his father. They're relationship has been absolute turmoil his whole life. My BPD boyfriend feels like he is never good enough. He works for his father now and someday will take over his business. I think the working for his dad makes the healing process so much harder because he is still dealing with the emotional abuse from his dad.

So today, he will be coming home after work and I want to prepare myself for it. I need to know the right things to say because I feel like I do it all wrong and make things worse. The issue right now is, he is upset that I threatened to leave yesterday, even when he was the one who made me leave. He said he cant be with someone who gives up. I dont want to give up. I have told him this but I know I messed up when I said I'd leave if this didnt change. It furthered his fear of abandonment I guess. How do I have a healthy and productive conversation with him to make him see that I want to make this work and that i dont want to leave? I do want to stay but only if he works on himself and continues therapy. He thinks I blame everything on him and his BPD and that I'm the one who causes all of our problems. I have such a hard time agreeing with that statement because I know I'm a good girlfriend but when I defend myself it makes it worse? What are techniques you guys use to stop the conflict ? Any advice would be appreciated. I'm so new to this and I'm so overwhelmed. I feel like anything I do or say is always wrong.


 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Stargaze88,

I am sorry to hear about your struggles! There is a lot going on here. It takes time for things to improve.

For the short term, just him coming home today, be friendly, nice, loving, reestablish the connection between you two. Don't keep apologizing I'd say. You've said it. Going forward don't say it's over unless it is over.

For now, if it must be addressed, talk about how much you want to see things improve and are hopeful I'd say.

But there are other issues here. You should not have to give up your friends, or alter so much to be with someone... .but these are longer term discussions we can have with you here.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Calmcollected]

This sounds so familiar. The telling him you love him and he saying “no you don”t. Everything you’ve written, I could har written except the therapy part. Mine will never go, so you have hope.

[Stargaze88]

Hi guys.
Thank you for replying.
He will be home soon and I am going to try really hard to remain calm and collected even if he pokes and prods. I'm going to try validating his feelings because I know they are real to him. It's just hard sometimes. I have been reading about setting up boundaries and I think I will try to have a discussion with him about that when the time is right. Are these examples what people mean by boundaries? I was thinking of these for our relationship.

1. If he starts to yell or verbally abuse me, I will walk away and not talk to him until he is calmed down and can talk to me without getting heated.

2. I should be allowed to have time with my friends at least once every two weeks. I would also check in to make him feel better about it. (Baby steps)

3. If he is starting to angry, sad or any way towards me that he will try to talk to me about it in a calm way, and we can try to come to a healthy resolve without getting angry.

These are only 3, but I think they are important ones. I do notice he does better when we have a schedule or a routine on our days off. Leisure time with no plans usually gives him time to think and I believe that creates an environment of disaster for him. He also gets very insecure when we are around other people. Especially if it's more than one couple. He gets jealous. Very jealous.

Theres so much for us to work on but I'm happy I've found this place and that hes in therapy. I hope to go with him when hes ready as well.

@Calmcollected
I dont know what I'd do if he wouldn't want to go to therapy. That must be discouraging. Is there a reason why?

[RomanticFool]

Hi Stargaze88,

Welcome to these boards. You will find a lot of help and support in here.

The one major thing that you have going for you that most people on these boards do not, is that your bf is in therapy. Without that you are going to continue to struggle with his BPD behaviour.

A red flag for me is jealousy because it can make people aggressive and in my opinion you should not have to deal with a man being aggressive. Absolutely set that boundary and leave the house if he gets up in your face.

In my experience a pwBPD will rarely apologise and blaming you for everything going wrong is part of the disorder. Something I find highly effective in these situations is to take all of the drama out of the situation. Do not go toe to toe with him in an argument. You will never win - as you have discovered. He has just wasted three days of your life with his disorder. What I did last night with my ex partner is end the finger pointing and simply changed the subject. I stopped trying to get her to apologise for something she was never going to and asked her how things were going (we hadn’t spoken for over a month after she cut me off FB). Mine was a text conversation so I didn’t see whether she was emotionally upset but if your bf is raging then allow a cooling off period. I have found my ex to be like a dog with a bone when arguing and the more I accuse her of doing something she actually did, the more unstable and indignant she becomes. It is far better for me to validate her emotions and then tell her how it was an ineffective strategy to take the action she took. It’s like parenting an adult in many ways, but it does work and soothes the emotional dysregulation.

Validations and boundaries are the best way to communicate with a BPD and I have been quite successful at dealing with my ex when being validating around her feelings. I say things like, “I understand you were upset with me when you thought I was ignoring you, you must have been hurting. However, cutting me off FB does not help you feel better and it means we can’t communicate.”

There are people on these boards who are very skilled at validating and I think it is a key tool in dealing with BPD. However, being shouted at and abused should not be tolerated nor should you allow him to control who you see and when. You need to set a boundary whenever he tries to bully you. I would say leaving the room and then coming back when he is calmer to discuss the situation might be an effective strategy. He has to realise that bullying behaviour is not acceptable. If you are ever in fear of harm then leave the house.

Imagine you are dealing with a 14 year old child in that regard. They need boundaries and so does your bf.

RF

[pearlsw]

Hi to all posting,

Just wanted to thank you RF for this post. I had to deal with some of what you describe here tonight, it was a very rough night, and your words of wisdom here help a lot and bring me some peace!

Sincerely, pearl.

[RomanticFool]

Hi pearlsw,

I’m sorry you’ve had a rough night. It took me a while to understand that validations are really the only successful way to communicate with my pwBPD and I can’t do it when I’m emotionally charged. I literally have to stop midflow sometimes and shut down my own feelings in order to communicate effectively. On the other hand if I don’t set boundaries then, like a child, she will run roughshod over me.

If you’d like to talk about it I’m here to listen.

RF

[Calmcollected]

One suggestion I have is to not just walk away. Do it, but after saying I think we need take a break for “insert time” and we’ll talk about it later. That way you don’t trigger the abandonment.