Separated soon to be ex husband manipulating my family after my Mother’s dearh

[Annieface]

Hi I am really just venting but any advice would be much appreciated. My Mom passed away and my soon to be ex husband with undisguised BPD is manipulating my family. He is in the food business so he made arrangements for the after funeral meal etc without consulting with me and against my wishes. My family can’t understand why we should turn down free food. They don’t understand that he is manipulating them to feel beholden to him. We had a dinner tonight before the funeral tomorrow and as usual he drank too much and wanted to drive home. He already has one dwi. I refuse to get involved and say that is his problem and leave the dinner in my own car. My 25 year old son came with me because he was drinking too.  His father wanted him to drive his car. So now my daughter who has her own car feels she is stuck driving her father home. He refused to leave his car where ever were so my daughter ended up driving my soon to be ex home and leaving her car behind. She accused me of screwing her because she had to drive him home. She feels responsible and is afraid that if he drives drunk and Kills someone it would be her fault for not stopping him. I get that but I feel she is enabling him by not letting him be responsible for his own actions. I’m in mourning because my Mom just died and he has completely shifted the focus to himself and now my daughter is mad at me!  Help!

[Turkish]

It must be so painful to deal with others without giving you time to properly mourn your mother's passing... .

Call the cops to turn him in? Call an Uber? It sucks that your daughter is blaming you for her dad's behaviors. I could see how you would view it as enabling, and I would mostly agree, but she did what she had to do based upon her own feelings.  She was cast on the role that you were over the years and likely she was also given your husband and her dad. 

This specific incident might blow over in a day or two (between you and your daughter... .and here the validation tools might help between you two) when everybody sleeps on it.  Yet the elephant is still in the room: your stbxh and how you and the kids are processing this,  all through your grief.  What do you think is next?

[pearlsw]

Hi AnnieFace,

Sorry to hear of your mother's passing. I am also sorry that you have to deal with all this extra family drama at this time.

One of my relatives passed away earlier this year and there was enough family drama for a movie! In time it's gotten smaller though, and I hope yours does too.

Although he may be trying to get others to be beholden to them, they can choose their responses to that.

Once he is your ex officially how do you expect things to change between you two?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Annieface]

Thank you both for your thoughtful responses.  Yes, it did blow over, and my daughter let her anger go.  I think what bothers me and yes I know I allow it to bother me, is that my family does not see that he only does these things to put him in good favor.  They don't live with him, and they don't have to suffer through the years of hidden abuse that I have.  As advised by my therapist... .I told my family that this is my decision and they have to respect that.  They can't see the abuse that has been thrown my way which is just as abusive as physical abuse, it's just invisible, except for my IBS, panic attacks etc!

[Annieface]

Oh and PS... .once he is my ex I don't know how I will handle his interference with my family.  For years he's said he can't stand them and since the divorce started he's been trying to win over their sympathies.  One good thing about my Mom's death is I didn't want her to know we are getting divorced, so now she won't have to.

[pearlsw]

Hi Annieface,

I hear ya! I feel like no one would really believe what my partner is like to be with, the amount of damage he's done to me. And it is hard because sometimes he will acknowledge he's deeply hurt me, others it is unbearable for him and he's too tongue tied to say much.

In terms of good favor, did it work for him? Did him being in a good light hurt you? Does it seem false somehow? Unfair? Don't let me drag ya backwards if you are moving forward from this!

with compassion, pearl.

[pearlsw]

Oh and PS... .once he is my ex I don't know how I will handle his interference with my family.  For years he's said he can't stand them and since the divorce started he's been trying to win over their sympathies.  One good thing about my Mom's death is I didn't want her to know we are getting divorced, so now she won't have to.

Once he is your ex will you cut him off completely? Or because of the kids you can't avoid him entirely?

Why do you think he wants the sympathy of others?

~pearl.