Update: suicide threats, possible breakup, etc.

[pearlsw]

Hey all,

I posted some new stuff on another board, but I'm still here supporting ya day in and day out!  And getting support in return!   Thanks as always!

It's really great how we are here for each other and give and take together!

Just wanted to let you know so there aren't big holes in my story. (But feel free to reply here or there if you want.)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=2.0

love to all, pearl.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Whole situation is making my head spin. More has happened in the last few days than I want to deal with in a year. (Or a lifetime really.)

He's been off and on with me I don't know how many times in the last days. I can't find my balance. It's a big roller coaster and I can't even get out my own thoughts, feelings, reservations.

I can't find the support and help I need.

[Buzz2]

 

Hi Pearl,

I have been reading your posts and following your experience but not posting as I am a Newbie and don't feel I have a lot of constructive things to say.  But I did want to chime in and say I'm so sorry for what you are going through and if I was there in person I would 100% have your back.

You are a thoughtful, kind, and intelligent person.  Hang in there.

Buzz

[pearlsw]

Thank you Buzz2! You truly made my day!

No worries, we're all in this together, all equals. Words of support mean the world! 

sincerely, pearl.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Pearl,

I read your thread on the other board. You certainly are in a stressful situation and I am so sorry you do not have a sufficient support system in place. There are challenges that come with treating mental illnesses in any country, but trying to navigate such a serious matter in your non-native country and language must be extremely frustrating and difficult. Also, the irony that you are able to communicate in several languages yet still do not have close, in-person friends to lean on for support was not lost on me. You said you are naturally a loner, and I understand that as I am the same way. I am not anti-social, but I don't have "close" friends.  I do have friends that I share some things with, but I save the really messy stuff for these boards. I do have a counselor, but I can only schedule appointments about every three weeks. Sometimes its hard in my sessions to even express what I need to get out because there is just so much on a daily basis.

How are you feeling, Pearl? I can imagine it must be a colorful mix of just about everything. In your posts, you speak of being the logical one in the r/s and you seem to maintain an even control over yourself in the wake of your h's unbalanced and volatile state. Perhaps your ability to do that is now making it difficult for you to identify your own feelings? Emotions are fluid, elusive, flowing like the tide. Sometimes it's hard to get a clear picture in a logically-inclined mind of feelings that are neither right or wrong, neither fit in Box a or Box b, and do not easily allow themselves to be organized or categorized. I struggle with this all the time. It reminds me of the Sound of Music movie... .the song about Maria:"how do you keep a wave upon the sand?" that's what I feel like I am trying to do sometimes when I am trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings about my BPD r/s.

You said you were making a list of reasons to stay and reasons to leave. Have you considered looking over your list and trying to identify the feelings that each reason evokes in you? Maybe that would be a starting point to help you pull some of those feelings and thoughts out of your head and put them in a somewhat tangible form- words on paper. I think I may have to do that myself. I like to analyze and get to the "bottom line" and sometimes I just can't do that in my own head. I stay frustrated and stuck if I can't organize and list and identify problems/solutions.

I don't know if any of this is helping, I just know that I care about what you are going through and I hope that it gets better for you and your H, whatever the outcome of your r/s.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[pearlsw]

Hi Pearl,

I read your thread on the other board. You certainly are in a stressful situation and I am so sorry you do not have a sufficient support system in place. There are challenges that come with treating mental illnesses in any country, but trying to navigate such a serious matter in your non-native country and language must be extremely frustrating and difficult.

How are you feeling, Pearl? I can imagine it must be a colorful mix of just about everything.
I don't know if any of this is helping, I just know that I care about what you are going through and I hope that it gets better for you and your H, whatever the outcome of your r/s.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

Hi Redeemed,

I can't tell you how much it warmed by heart to read such a nice reply after a long difficult 5 day period.   Thank you for sharing so much about yourself and making such a nice effort to relate to me in return!

Yes, it is ironic, huh?  I notice it is hard to to make close friends like before because I can't really represent my relationship to anyone like I normally would, normally have done in life. Just last week I went out for wine a few times with a fellow vacationer/language student and I was able to open up a bit. She was a bit older and had her scars from life as well so... .it was great... .Just two gals laughing and sharing stories about guy problems and doing it in 3 languages at once!

Yes, I am torn to pieces by the thoughts whirling around in my head. The voice that says, this is over and done, get ready for the phases of this break up. The voice that says, you made a commitment and you have to help him if at all possible and give him a last chance to make it work, don't abandon him in his time of need. The voice that says surely there is a better, happier life out there so go and look for it, life may have something even better in store if you are willing to take a risk on love again someday off in the future. My mind skips all around. I must make a decision and I must act before more of my life slips away. I want to make it better and it feels like a ton of bricks keeps falling on me before I can.

I know some of this is my own doing. I brought the old me over here to this part of the world, and the new me that has come into existence while here is a bit of the old me mixed with the me that exists in relation to my SO's rolling ongoing crisis of a life. I really didn't think things would be so daunting, and so bad, for so long. The old me is so much of a go it alone type that I am trying to do way too much on my own and can't always see that I may have more access to help (back home) than I keep in mind. I hold so tight to my privacy and seem not to want to give it up at nearly any price.

Ah, yes, the reasons. I've written them up and I am still adding more to them! I have to say one moment I noticed I broke the other day, began to tear up, when I was really thinking about leaving him and it was like I could feel my father dying all over again. I watched it, let the tears come, but I will not let this hold me to being with him if he can't do better. Honestly, he's already kinda shown me he can't do better, at least on his own. He needs outside help. It will be a long, expensive process for him to get it. I am not sure I have enough love and hope left in me to go down this road much further.

But it hurts. I was looking at him today. He was looking back at me and all I could think is what a tragedy this is. It will be a tragedy if we don't stay together. It is not easy to feel, or remember why we fell in love all those years ago... .but I am sure we did. I am sure we did. But... .I don't know if I will ever be at peace or have enough stability or can break this isolation or control... .I am sure I can't. I am sure I can't, but oh how it hurts to lose yet another relationship and all I invested in it.

Oh yes, this helped a lot!   I just basically wanted to take some time, and it is going to take me a few weeks if not months, to talk this all out if I can find a space to do that... .If I had friends I'd just talk it over with them. I would, and have done so in the past. I can't do this all in my head. I wish I could, I prefer to do things alone because it is so hard to get others to recognize my needs and help me, but... .it would be nice if I could get some kind of support somewhere/somehow.

with deep gratitude for recognizing my humanity and extending a hand to me, pearl.

p.s. Your cross reminds me of all the old churches I get to see in this beautiful part of the world and makes me smile and has been such a comfort to me in some of the darkest times these many years overseas. I love to stop in and have a moment of peace in them whenever I can. Thank you again!